Crying Because Of Hunger

Do I actually like him or do I wish someone would make me feel literally anyhting else else other than sonder, hopelessness , anger, dispear, misery or just emptiness??

I guess we'll never know.

I was not made to be happy, it seems to me I was made to be miserable. I've realized that I am unable to have fun like others, interact and feel joy like others, to see life like others, to enjoy things and activities like others. My face doesn't get that puffy even when I cry frantically for hours, the redness around my eyes always fades very quickly. Ironically it really is as if my body was made to be miserable.

One of my darkest secrets or thought, is that I wish, fantazise abt my parents dying. I actually don't want them to die, i love them so much, I want them to live happily till they're very old. But they are the thing that is stopping me from killing myself. I know it would destroy them, ruin their lives, I've already done that a bit being alive, I can't do it even more. I can't hurt them like that. But killing myself is my only true desire.

I simply can't be happy in my body, with this mind. That's why I want out, even when I won't be happy, I atleast won't be miserable, I will be free. I genuinely feel I am either not meant to exist at all or only meant to exist to feel miserable, both make me want to die either way.

I spend my nights wishing something would get better but it never does, it only gets worse. These are supposedly the best years of my life, what the fuck is the rest gonna be like that then. Worse of course lol.

If he ain't like this I don't want him /hj

Treat me like your toy, I’m made solely for your pleasure, be so very selfish with me, be greedy, be greedy, be so very greedy.

It's Friday night and I'm crying over things that will never change. I can't can't fucking cut myself since my dad is in the room next to me.

I just wish is wasn't myself. I wish I had a different mind, a different body, a different existence. That I didn't exist at all

I cant bring myself to do anything. I have so much to do, but I don't do anything. It feels like I'm incapable of everything. I just want to not exist anymore. Just not be.

I crave his warmth so bad. He looks like he would be so warm to the touch. Being in his presence sends my heart into overdrive, being able to be in his arms would simply make my mind melt. That's all I could ask for. No thoughts other than his warmth and touch.

What do I have to do to attract a yandere?? Do I have to summon them with a ritual, bring a sacrifice??

I really wish I had a good spot to cut at home. I have literally nowhere to do it and it's so unfortunate and frustrating.

It's gotten to the point where I can't blame my incompetence on my age anymore. I've realized im just incompetent. Not as an excuse rather as in I'm just dumber, less progressed, weak, specifically too weak to cope with life overall. It feels like I won't ever be a fully or well functioning part of society.

I've been starting to actually feel bored. My brain can't really even maladaptive daydream anymore, so my brain is just empty, nothing to look forward to, literally nothing. Except my death in like 80 years (I hope my parents live long), just waiting to wait and hurt more.