Just Randomly Felt Like Drawing Ariel. First Time Ever Using Alcohol-based Markers And It Was Kindave

Ugghhh

Aaaaaaaah, I used up 4 pages of my journal last next while feeling shitty.

Regrrrrreeeeeettt thaaaaaaat sooooo muuuuuccchhhhh, uggggghhhhhhhhhhh

Whatever,, though, because scribbling mimicked scratching, so I did that instead, scribbling, I mean.

Doodles and poses of The Reaper, the Rabbit, and Her Conscience, cause it's been awhile since I've drawn them. It's so much fun to draw Lucy, which is obvious thanks to how often I draw her, in comparison to Dani and Luthier.

I'm mostly numb but I cry sometimes.

I kept debating as to whether or not I should post about this but then I remembered that my only other relatively-social outlet is my therapist so I decided to post.

My childhood friend shot himself yesterday. He died this afternoon while in the hospital.

At first I thought: "I won't be majorly affected by this, I haven't talked to him in over a year! I'm just uncomfortable because talking about suicide makes my anxiety spike due to another friends of mine attempting with me as her last goodbye!"(She's alive as far as I know, thank fucking god)

But then my mom was talking to my grandmother about what happened and mentioned that I'd been friends with him and his little sister...

And I realized... Jacob is dead. One of my childhood friends killed himself.

We're only 15... My friend is gone and we're practically still children

I keep having random bouts of re-realization because it just doesn't make any sense...

I can't feel anything. He's dead. He's gone and my emotions keep going in and out like an indesicve tide hugging the shore.

One second I'm sobbing and then, for a while, I'm completely numb.

I... I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I was so sure that this wouldn't affect me.

But she's ok. The friend I mentioned earlier is still alive.

I'm so glad she's alive, though. If I'm reacting like this to someone I haven't talked to in almost a year- I can only imagine what I'd be feeling if she'd succeeded...

I hope she knows how happy I am every time I remember that she's alive.

And how comforting that thought is now.

Because we're still just kids. Because we shouldn't be dying.

We're just kids

Went to the creek near my house and these flowers have sprouted up everywhere. Feel free to use for whatever I guess, i don't really give a crap either way.

Me: *finds a thing that i like that isnt problamatic unless taking out of context and given malicious intent through biased descriptions*

Person: *does that*

Me brain: you are no longer allowed to like this thing because if you do then you're a terrible person and your inevitable murder is justified because you'd deserve it.

Me: ... ok..

Source

Video of Tama

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Halloween costume ideas so far:

Mae from NITW

Alex from Oxenfree

Fuckin librarian?

Sometimes I forget to be obsessed with stuff and end up feeling bored and empty until I dredge up things I used to like of find something new.

I'm starting to realize that liking certain stuff shouldn't feel like a chore.

Being in a fandom shouldn't feel like going to school, when school felt like climbing up an endless staircase with the goal of reaching it's nonexistent top.

Having interests shouldn't make me feel like I'm bullshiting my way though an essay but I'm not even sure if it was ever assigned.

I just want to find something to love that I won't forget to like.

I CHANGED MY MIND ABIUT MY HIGHSCHOOL BEING A HELLHOLE, MY FRIEND GOES THERE AND SAID THAT THEY MISSED ME SO IM REALLY EXCITED TO GO BACK NOW!

My sister had already started making dinner when I said: we should go buy some rice!

Now, I was only being 79% serious so I didn't expect her bf/father of my nephew to agree.

Now, publix is supposed to close at 9 so buying a (I think) ten(?) Or something pound bag of rice at almost 9:30 was kindave an adventure.

Bonus: me and him ended up talking about chick tracts, video/and tabletop rpg games. Why? Because we can.

Oh, and I'll be making a ton of rice dishes in the coming weeks sooooo, fun for me!!