Day 5/6(?) Still Don't Know How To Fix Tumbles Need To Rotate

I'm mostly numb but I cry sometimes.

I kept debating as to whether or not I should post about this but then I remembered that my only other relatively-social outlet is my therapist so I decided to post.

My childhood friend shot himself yesterday. He died this afternoon while in the hospital.

At first I thought: "I won't be majorly affected by this, I haven't talked to him in over a year! I'm just uncomfortable because talking about suicide makes my anxiety spike due to another friends of mine attempting with me as her last goodbye!"(She's alive as far as I know, thank fucking god)

But then my mom was talking to my grandmother about what happened and mentioned that I'd been friends with him and his little sister...

And I realized... Jacob is dead. One of my childhood friends killed himself.

We're only 15... My friend is gone and we're practically still children

I keep having random bouts of re-realization because it just doesn't make any sense...

I can't feel anything. He's dead. He's gone and my emotions keep going in and out like an indesicve tide hugging the shore.

One second I'm sobbing and then, for a while, I'm completely numb.

I... I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I was so sure that this wouldn't affect me.

But she's ok. The friend I mentioned earlier is still alive.

I'm so glad she's alive, though. If I'm reacting like this to someone I haven't talked to in almost a year- I can only imagine what I'd be feeling if she'd succeeded...

I hope she knows how happy I am every time I remember that she's alive.

And how comforting that thought is now.

Because we're still just kids. Because we shouldn't be dying.

We're just kids

Oof, I don't like this lineart, please end me

Gonna get my haircut tomorrow!!! Really excited!

WHAT THE FUCK, RAINBOW! THE FUCK DO YOU FUCKING MEAN "THIS WILL END IN FLAMES???" BITCH LIKE THE FUCK IT WILL, YOURE NOT HURTING MY BOYS! DONT YOU FUCKING TOUCH THEM!

I have some... feelings about the Carry on sequel that I have to wait two years for.

Sometimes I forget to be obsessed with stuff and end up feeling bored and empty until I dredge up things I used to like of find something new.

I'm starting to realize that liking certain stuff shouldn't feel like a chore.

Being in a fandom shouldn't feel like going to school, when school felt like climbing up an endless staircase with the goal of reaching it's nonexistent top.

Having interests shouldn't make me feel like I'm bullshiting my way though an essay but I'm not even sure if it was ever assigned.

I just want to find something to love that I won't forget to like.

I missed. His funeral.

Fuck.

I missed the entire service because my nephew was being loud/giggly/fussy and I offered to walk around the church lobby and outside for a bit to see if he's calm down.

He didn't.

I missed the entire. Fucking. Service.

I was actually relieved at first but then almost immediately get super pissed about it, because this is someone that I was friends with when I was like 3-9 years old and he killed himself and I MISSED HIS GODAMN FUNERAL.

What the fuck am I supposed to do except be fucking pissy???

Long story short: I'm being a bitch because I didn't do something that I didn't even want to do.

Ugghhh

Aaaaaaaah, I used up 4 pages of my journal last next while feeling shitty.

Regrrrrreeeeeettt thaaaaaaat sooooo muuuuuccchhhhh, uggggghhhhhhhhhhh

Whatever,, though, because scribbling mimicked scratching, so I did that instead, scribbling, I mean.

Doodles and poses of The Reaper, the Rabbit, and Her Conscience, cause it's been awhile since I've drawn them. It's so much fun to draw Lucy, which is obvious thanks to how often I draw her, in comparison to Dani and Luthier.

Dude, that freaking sucks, I'm sorry you have to deal with that shit

yeah being out is cool and all but have you ever had to pretend that you feel better after your dad assures you there’s probably a load of guys just waiting to make a move

Day 4 of my painting kick-

(I don't know why Tumblr keeps rotating my photos and I don't know how to make it stop...)