Damian : [creeping Behind Jason To Stab Him]

my friend and i realized Jason probably has had to make a list of things he missed while he was dead Steve Rogers style so obviously I had to make this, enjoy

And here’s the empty one in case anyone wants to make their own lmao

batfamily twitter but it’s tim drake being a rapscallion

Give me more tired boi Bruce Wayne!

His sleep schedule must be absolutely fucked. My mom worked nights for years and even now that she hasn't been for over four years, she's still basically nocturnal. So Bruce 'Running around as a bat at night' Wayne has no hope.

I want constantly tired Bruce. A tiredness that no coffee or stimulant will fix. A tiredness that comes with trying to solve every problem around you by yourself for years.

The family is eating breakfast? Bruce has his head down on the table asleep while everyone else is chatting. Cass covers his food for him to eat later.

At a board meeting? Everyone else thinks he's wearing shades indoors to be pretentious but Tim knows that it's to hide the fact that he's conked out.

There's a gala on? People wonder where Bruce Wayne has disappeared to, if he's taken some pretty girl (or guy) back to a room to show her a good time. In reality, Dick saw him nearly topple over while talking to someone so he swooped in and led Bruce to a back room for him to nap.

That's why Batman is rarely seen during the day. Not because he doesn't want to be but because he just cannot function whatsoever due to his exhaustion.

It makes him feel a bit bad cause he wants to spend more time with his kids outside of the cowl. He wants to go to more petting zoos with Damian, do more puzzles with Duke and have more cooking lessons with Jason.

He tries his best but all the batkids can tell he's genuinely exhausted. They cover him with blankets when they catch him napping in random places. They try and be a bit quieter when he's asleep. Y'know just make things a little easier.

And while some of them will deny it (read: Jason) their favourite activity to do with their Dad is all cuddling up and taking a nap together.

cough cough @bruciemilf

headcannon that when alfred finally caves and allows the wayne family to get a roomba, the bat brothers just go nuts over it:

Damian names it, and gets disgruntled when people simply refer to it as “the roomba”. Like, no, that is Cerberus? Get it right please

Tim tampers with it on more then one occasion. Hooks up some motion activated speaker/microphone mechanism complete with a voice modulator so that he can speak to whoever it passes. Steph is convinced for a whole WEEK that the roomba is sentient

Jason puts a few knives sticking out from it at some point. The whole family can hear Bruce’s screams when it enters his study.

And Dick just turns the damn thing off every time he sees it. He thinks it’s the worst purchase of all their collective lives

I so see this happening

I just know Jason is so fed up with the rest of the Batfam not knowing how much of a shitbag Dick was when he was a teenager. I know this man looks like a complete nutcase when he tries to convince Tim or Damian that Dick had his asshole phase, too. Don’t believe his fucking golden boy, depressed, running on fumes, burnt out, “I’d give everything and then some for the good of the world” act. He’s a lying liar that lies. It’s ALL lies.

Mr. Professional Older Brother was a goddamn menace to society, and Jason Todd is gonna PROVE IT, DAMNIT.

“I know what you are,” says Jason.

“Lol,” says Dick. “Lmao.”

ya know how it’s canon that damian was taking acting lessons with carrie? and that he was really good at it?

what if that’s his civilian job when he’s older?

like we know some of the bats have civilian jobs. bruce, obviously, runs WE. tim is CEO. dick is a cop.

what if damian’s civilian job is an actor?

i know it wouldn’t make total sense bc he’d probably have to leave set randomly in the middle of a scene because he’d have to go on a mission but hear me out.

we know he loved acting because he gets to be someone else. carrie says this:

and then damian says the same thing in super sons

yeah he could’ve been saying that to fuck with jon but because carrie said the same thing, i think he was being honest.

and besides, look at how he played that old man. that is a jolly old fella and i personally read it in sweet old man voice.

and the disguises he always chooses when going undercover are outfits like these

and yes you could say that it’s just a gag bit the writer put in to be funny or you could say that that’s how damian feels like “normal” people dress and he’s trying to fit in but to me!! i feel like it’s him trying to be the opposite of how he is. you know, being somebody else.

plus he’s so good with voices. he could easily put on any accent necessary.

and so i think he would be an actor. yeah, he wouldn’t be able to be in gotham all the time filming movies and stuff, but personally i love the idea of damian being like dick and moving out of gotham to become his own hero/person.

he’d get the opportunity to experience what it’s like to be someone else, someone who wasn’t taught to kill someone before they could walk, someone who wasn’t forced to grow up way too fast, someone who doesn’t have to risk their life every single night, somebody who doesn’t have to hold possibly the world’s biggest secret. he could embrace being a completely different person, even if it’s only for a few hours at a time.

and imagine how funny it would be for the batfamily to turn on their tv and watch their mean, stern little brother have a wide smile with an australian accent in a romantic comedy.

jason storming out of the manor after damian insulted him 30 times and then he turns on his tv to get his mind off it and there damian is on a beach searching for treasure side-by-side with tom holland

damian in a wired google search interview and the first result is “is damian wayne robin?” and damian just sighs.

damian on a press tour in an interview and he’s just shooting the shit with jennifer anniston.

tim watching the tiktok edits of damian and just silently fuming at the comments that are like “he’s so babygirl”

damian getting an offer for a star wars movie and yeah, he might hate star wars because the lightsaber duels follow no sword fighting etiquette but he takes the role anyways so that tim can’t watch his beloved star wars without seeing damian wielding a light saber with ewan mccgregor

would dc do it? no definitely not and logistically it wouldn’t work because crimefighter hours probs do not mesh with 14 hour days on set. however!! imagine damian in a buzzfeed puppies interview.

I know that its basically canon that Jason's not afraid of death and thus acts the most reckless possible because he's already been there done that, right? And its not like theres anything worse than death, so he might as well go all in at all times, but what if he was instead terribly afraid of dying? Not because of death itself but because there is something worse that death, and it's coming back from it.

Jason knows death is not that bad really, because at least the pain stops, then. But coming back? That's what truly terrifies him, and it's only possible if he dies.

He has a thousand contingencies in place to make sure that if he does die again (and theres a half thought there of going out to find a way to never die, because no matter what he suffers after, it's never going to be worse than coming back), nothing is able to bring him back.

One night, a freak explosion leaves him seriously injured, a stray metal shard digging itself deep in his stomach. As the bats rush him back to the cave, delirious from the pain and blood loss, Jason begs Bruce to please, please, get rid of my body, dad, I dont wanna come back again, please swear to me you won't bury me again.

And Bruce, poor Bruce, has to look his son in the eyes and tell him that yes, he'll make sure he doesn't come back again (and oh, how does it hurt, knowing that the best thing that happened to you is the worst pain you son will ever feel).

Jason steps into fights only when he knows every single detail of it, and it's what makes him ten times more efficient and just as much scarier to criminals. He is swift when dealing out justice, and as precise as a surgeon. No one really escapes him, be it petty criminals or mob bosses.

He still gets hurt a great deal, because his pain tolerance is definitely fucked up, and he knows his limits, so he can tell when a wound is nothing to get worried about.

Red Robin has a podcast

The first episode was made after he got benched from patrol with an injury while quickly getting hundreds of listeners eager for episode two, then he just keeps making them.

They don’t really have any real theme to them, mostly just Tim ranting about what his latest hyperfixation/annoyance/case had taken his sleep schedual away this time.

Viewers have also taken note of this and will have running bets on how deranged this weeks episode would get:

He once gave an hour long rant on how to legally get rid of a shitty neighbor, at one point describing how to make an exploding glitter bomb and giving colorful examples of what to put inside of it, such as rotten milk or fish.

Another episode he was near screaming after dick had eaten Tim’s jolly ranchers and one episode where he seamed to just be too exhausted to emote anymore and so sleepy that his voice was nearly whispering while he talked about the differences between different types of snow before going silent for a whole minute till finally saying “holy shit… I think I just solved string theory…” and then furious white board sounds before finally a thump, the track cuts to a much more awake sounding Red Robin

“It’s the next day. I did not solve string theory, I did however create one of the most algorithmically perfect snow cone recipient in existence.”

Some of My Favorite Batfam Fic Tropes

In no particular order:

 - The batfam have their own language of chirps, trills, tweets, and whistles, and they use it in front of other ppl (civilians, the jla, whatever) and the other ppl go “what the actual fuck”

 - Bruce throwing the batarang at Jason Todd’s neck actually Does Damage™, and eventually the other members of the family find out and lose their shit

 - “Hey Tim?” “Yeah?” “Where’s your fucking spleen :)” “Lost it.” “LOST IT??”

 - Damian calling his brothers Akhi :)

 - “How many kids do you HAVE??” -The entire Justice League

 - Jason going to Titans Tower, seeing Tim, saying “is anyone gonna parent that” and then not waiting for an answer.

 - Literal Toddler Tim Drake informing the Batfamily that yes he knows everyone’s identity, and really if you didn’t want people to figure it out you should stop showing off your extremely niche skills during patrols Nightwing.

 - “Dude your son is a crime boss.” “Ex-crime boss :/”

 - A Batfamily member hearing someone talk about their civilian identity (bc, yknow,, they’re famous) and just having to Deal With It because what the fuck else are they supposed to do??

 - The Justice League hearing about Batman and assuming he (& his family) are demons or vampires or some other cryptid, and then meeting him and finding out he’s just Some Guy.

 - The batfamily learning the origin of the name Robin

- The Justice League meeting the Batfamily and specifically learning who Red Hood is, and one of the heroes nervously asks “Didn’t the second Robin.. die?” and Jason just goes “yeah lol”