Latest Posts by crowpickles - Page 4

Tim, making chicken and dumpling soup, dropping a dumpling on the floor: This is sadder than the time I lost my spleen.

Bruce, choking on his coffee: Excuse me?

Batman pulls out a long pointer and emphatically slaps it onto a projection screen currently displaying a slide which states, in jagged white letters, YOU WOULDN’T EMBEZZLE A BATMOBILE

Joker dies bcs during his big dramatic speech of the day he tries to be be all insane and funny by pretending to shoot himself in the head with his BANG! flag gun but he fucks up getting distracted by flirting with Batman and mixes up his guns and he shoots himself in the face in front of the bats. Jason, who was being bodily held back from shooting him himself by Bruce and Dick for the past 15 minutes, laughs so hard he fractures a rib and has to be carried back to the batmobile

12 year old, 4'4ft Jason: Tall people really act like they earned their height

17 year old, 5'10ft Dick: Short people really act like we stole their height

Bruce, internally: [don't laugh, don't laugh, don't laugh-]

-

[Years later]

19 year old, 6'2ft Jason: Hey, remember when I stole your height? Good times

24 year old 5'10 Dick:

Dick: First oF ALL, YOU SASQUATCH SIZED BITCH-

Bruce, internally: [DON'T LAUGH, DON'T LAUGH, DON'T LAUGH-]

This is probably a hot take but I don't think anybody actually cares who Batman is outside of the GCPD and conspiracy theorists.

When Batman first shows up he's a friggen poltergeist. He's a cryptid. For a second there maybe people thought he was just a creepypasta.

Then when people start to think… actually it kinda seems like he's a guy…? Like, he's a real…? Person…???

Then the GCPD is like, 'Okay, well, then he's breaking laws.'

But your average schmo is like, 'And? Yeah he's a guy; he gave me fifty bucks to get home last night. Right after he saved me from an acid piranha pit.'

But the thing is, Bats has his own personality. He's a whole person as the mask. People don't ask who Superman's secret identity is because, as far as they're concerned, Superman is just Superman, and when they can't see him, it's because he went home. It would be the same with Batman. They probably think he sleeps or hangs upside-down all day.

I think Gothamites like him as Just Batman; he's the city's pet monster, and they like it that way.

I think we get super caught up in the, "Batman's secret identity might be revealed! 😱" because Batman's secret identity is famous. But if someone unmasked Clark or Barry or Hal it would be like

"…I have no idea who this is."

And they expect the same of Batman.

GCPD wants to know so they can arrest him, conspiracy theorists want to know because they wanna know where he fits into the machine, gossip columnists want to know so they can get catch some drama, and real-person fanfic authors wanna know so they can accurately describe him when he takes his mask off to kiss Bruce Wayne.

Tim Drake, about trying to convince Batman to not almost kill criminals and himself:

Headcanon that when Duke becomes comfortable with the family he instantly starts pulling the Black Card to win an argument.

The first time it happens is when Batman asks him to stay late in the cave to go over some reports but Duke is tired Damnit and B isn't listening to his protests so he pulls his best sad face and asks "Is it because I'm Black?" When Bruce says that Duke can't ask his siblings to cover for him. Cue the biggest panic that any of them have seen in a long time as Batman switches to Bruce and starts assuring him and telling Duke to go relax.

From there Duke has realised he's gotten a get out of jail free card that he uses carefully (Re: to get out of a gala early, to get his favourite food for dinner a couple of times.)

Using it on his siblings only works once or twice before they start on the orphan card that rarely works as they're all orphaned one way or another.

One time he used it on a villain and they almost instantly stopped beating him up to protest the accused racism.

Bruce: Alright, Chum, seen as your twenty one you can have a drink too.

Dick: awww, babies first shot!

Bruce: he won’t be doing shots for his first drink-

Tim, down three shots consecutively with a straight face:

Bruce:

Dick:

Alfred:

Damian:

Jason:

Batcow:

Tim: ooo it’s burns, anyway-

Tim: Here’s a list of suspects I’ve put together so far.

Bruce: Tim, your name’s on this list.

Tim: I don’t remember where I was last Friday night, Bruce. Therefore, I have no alibi. I’ve been tailing myself for the past three days.

Pie Prank Gone Wrong

Beast Boy (holding a cream pie): This is going to be so funny! Cyborg you want in on this?

Cyborg (sipping coffee from a distance): I'm not getting involved. I may be half-machine, but I'm not stupid.

Beast Boy: You're no fun dude. I bet when he gets hit with this pie he'll laugh.

Cyborg (doubtful): Mm-hm.

The door to Titans Headquarters slid open as two men entered, and Beast Boy immediately splattered the pie right into Jason Todd's face. Roy Harper took a few steps back, a mix of amusement and concern on his expression, while Jason stood there, pie still covering his features, unmoving and silent. Cyborg nodded, having anticipated that this was bound to go wrong.

Cyborg (holding up his coffee): Jason, good to see you!

Beast Boy (covering his mouth): Oh shoot, sorry dude! That was meant for Nightwing. Still funny though, right?

Jason wiped the remnants of the pie from his eyes, Roy Harper took a few more steps back, stifling laughter.

Jason (seething): That's real funny, man.

He forced a fake chuckle, still dripping pie filling.

Jason: Roy, can I see your bow and arrow, please?

Roy (hands over his bow): Sure thing!

Jason (still smirking at Beast Boy): You’ve got ten seconds and then I shoot you with these arrows. As a prank!

Beast Boy: You're kidding?

Jason: 10, 9, 8, 7—

Roy (chuckling): You should turn into a bird; this is not going to end well for you.

Beast Boy: On it!

In an instant, Beast Boy transforms into a hawk and flew out the door just as Jason finished counting down.

Jason: 1! Time to hunt!

Jason bolted after Beast Boy, a determined grin on his face while the animal changing hero flew away. Cyborg took another sip of his coffee while staying seated.

Cyborg: I was just here minding my own business.

Roy: Smart choice.

Little Dick and his chips in Batman #54

at 3 am

Tim: You can say 'Have a nice day!' without a problem.

Tim: But you can't say 'Enjoy the next 24 hours' without sounding vaguely threatening.

Jason: How the fuck did you get into my safehouse again?!

Hi 👋, My name is Mohammad, and I’m reaching out in a moment of desperate need. I’m a father of three young children living in Gaza, and we are caught in the midst of a catastrophic war. Our home is no longer a safe haven, and the future here seems increasingly uncertain. 💔

I’ve launched a fundraising campaign with the goal of raising $40,000 to relocate my family to a safer place where my children can grow up in peace and have a chance at a brighter future.

Unfortunately, my previous fundraising efforts were abruptly halted when my account was terminated without explanation. However, I remain determined to keep fighting for my family’s safety and well-being. 🫶

If you could take a moment to read our story, consider donating, or simply share our campaign with others, it would make an incredible difference. Every act of kindness, no matter how small, brings us one step closer to safety and a new beginning. 🙏

Thank you for your time, compassion, and support. ❤️‍🩹

https://gofund.me/fd1faea2 🔗

i currently can't donate anything but i figured id share in case anyone seeing this can. i wish the best of luck to you and your children <3

things jon missed while stalking his colleagues:

the fact that sasha had been half lined up for gertrude's job and how that would be a pretty good murder motive

the discrepancy between elias's hiring in 1991 and how he said he was working as a filing clerk in 1972

tim's brother's mysterious disappearance/death directly preceding his change in careers

martin's real age and literally any of his academic or employment history

conclusion: he's bad at this <3

Jason Todd with his goons:

Sometimes i'm standing in the middle of a bunch of timsteph shippers and they start talking about how cute it was when tim was super annoyed at steph and felt entitled to take her costume away and tell her identity to other heroes and criminals and I'm just screaming and crying and throwing up because it wasn't cute he was being an asshole and having steph be endeared by a guy taking away her agency was just sexist stereotyping and projecting from the men who wrote this romance can anyone hear me its so dark in here

Jim Gordon keeping a family tree of the bats with updated names and costumes cuz those guys switch up every couple months and never tell him so whenever someone has a costume change or gets more emo durring their teenage rebellion he's all like "that's great kiddo, but which one are you" like a grandparent with too many damn kids

literally. genuinely prefer the fanon over the canon because i feel like the writers so often put aside character development (especially for bruce) so that they can focus on plot/crime stuff/fighting and while i genuinely like the universe and such (can't say much for the plot because i only really know the robins's lore/stories) i just can't find the actual batman likable because of how emotionally stunted he feels like.

this is also why i personally really like the hc of him being a millionaire over being a billionaire honestly. saw someone else post about it and honestly it would make much more sense for the storyline if he were a millionaire because he literally can just. pay off all the lawmakers if he really wanted to with that amount of money but no, he just beats up criminals instead

i can and WILL blame all bruce's bad parenting on the writers idc u cant stop me he's a flawed person but BAD PERSON? BAD FATHER? no. the writers don't get him sometimes ok trust me bro

not entirely sure on how all of the bats would react but i personally feel like jason would very likely pull a gun on a karen (assuming that it's a karen pulling the freak out). for example:

karen (being kicked out of a mcdonald's or smth and screaming her head off): HOW DARE YOU TOUCH ME, GET YOUR HANDS OFF OF ME!!!!!

jason, actively on patrol assuming this is a mugging or something and plopping down behind the mcdonald's security guard and pulling his gun: alright buddy, take your hands off of her

security guard: gladly, i'm just trying to get her to leave. she just threw a drink at the cashier

jason:

jason, turning to aim the gun at her with a death glare for wasting his time at 2 am: welp, you heard him. leave before i fucking shoot you.

of course he wouldn't actually shoot her but she doesn't know that

You guys know those public freakout videos, right?? How do you think the batfam would realistically react in a situation like that. Just as an example I guess, one day they're patrolling, and they hear someone in trouble--Though, it turns out to be someone losing their mind because they didn't get their way or something. Cause, I feel like that would be something they could run into??

Thoughts?

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"littlewing" is the cutest shit ever but brat wonder is funnier so it's the best nickname Dick gave Jason ever

this actually sounds like it'd be so fun to write tbh. itd be the perfect opportunity for a fairly well balanced angst/crack fic

Au where Jason is under the impression Talia told Bruce Jason was alive and just moves back to Gotham to get back to the life he missed. GED, college, part time job, etc. Runs into one of the bats at a coffee shop one day and is confused why they just fainted

I WAS TODAY YEARS OLD WHEN I DISCOVERED JASON CAN JUST FUCKING SUMMON SWORDS???????? WHY DOES NO ONE EVER MENTION THIS???!!?!?!!!

reading superbat is so funny because superman always says/thinks "damn idk why batman is so broody and cold, i wish he were more like that one guy bruce wayne! he's so much easier to talk to and understand!"

buddy i have terrible news for you.

thinking deeply about the hc of Tiny Tim (tm, not a markiplier reference wdym) wearing really shitty disguises while he stalks the batfam. read about it once in a fic and it just has been fermenting in my mind for a while ever since

like me personally, i like to imagine him with a shitty blonde wig, some sort of colored eye contacts, and some random clothes he got from goodwill. he absolutely has specifically thrifted a bunch of clothes specifically for this purpose as well, because his paranoia started young and he wanted to make for damn sure he wouldn't be recognizable if he got caught. he also definitely tried to do makeup as well but even he knew it was too shitty to wear out.

i also like to imagine him like going to a random gas station or something because like what would the workers even say to that???

for example:

tim: *goes up to the register at 7/11 with a dozen redbulls and some snacks in his full disguise*

employee, confused: ? are you a cosplayer??

tim: what? no this is how i look??

employee, more confused but too tired to really question why this costumed 7 y/o is buying enough energy drinks to kill an elephant at 11 pm on a school night: ......alright that'll be $31.73

Broke:

Belle has Stockholm syndrome because she falls in love with the Beast, her kidnapper.

Woke:

Stockholm syndrome was coined to slander a woman who had been in a hostage situation but openly criticized the poor police response which recklessly put her in more danger and escalated the violence. She was then belittled and discredited publically by the police for this.

So. Yeah. Maybe Belle does have Stockholm syndrome actually.

i can't believe i specifically put off listening to tmp because i wanted to binge listen just to come back to it today and find out that it's on hiatus and so only ONE episode came out since i last listened to it :,)

brb i'm going to commit war crimes