Little Moodboard For Myself Featuring Brown Treesnakes. (None Of These Pictures Are Mine)

resources when your symptoms aren't cutesy and quirky <33

i was alone on friday since the colleague that usually sticks by me at uni was absent, and by god was it the most peaceful, blissfull uni day

I like the colleague but god i'm not that social of a species, i don't need to belong, i don't need to feel included in the human game of let's be social for the sake of it or to be "understood" or "seen", i don't care, i just want to be alone. They are not my kin and i do not see them as fellow hares to casually hang around to graze.

I want to read my books and do my reaserch, draw, post, draft my thoughts, get lost in whatever corner of wilderness i can find, headphones in and let the veil drop for at least a second. The human's need for socialising for no real reaon or else you'll be asked "what's wrong????" is so so suffocating.

Psychosis is 3x more common in autistic people than in the general population. Why?

This is a question that scientists are trying to answer. There’s not enough research on the comorbidity of autism and psychosis to be sure exactly what all of the reasons are for this overlap, but there are some interesting facts about it that I’ll outline here.

Psychosis is a symptom, which is composed of a constellation of smaller symptoms. Psychosis can be caused by schizophrenia spectrum disorders, but it can also be caused by mood disorders, stress, illness, and substance abuse. And research seems to be showing that autism might be a factor in developing psychosis as well.

...

I have always been interested in the connection between psychosis and autism. One of my uncles has a schizophrenia spectrum disorder, which was diagnosed after he went to a psychiatrist to be evaluated for autism- the reason he went in being that he saw himself in me, and wondered if he might be autistic, too. Turns out, he has psychosis.

Within the past few years, I have also been experiencing symptoms associated with psychosis. It would be very difficult for me to accurately identify any “negative” symptoms of psychosis, given that I already experience executive dysfunction, fatigue, sleep & appetite changes, etc. due to my ADHD and physical health problems. However, what I have been noticing are “positive” symptoms of psychosis. Namely: hallucinations, delusions, and paranoia.

My most frequent auditory hallucinations are of my alarm clock, and the cricket alarm on my iPhone. I hear them clearly, as if they’re coming from outside my head, at random periods throughout the day and in different locations, when the actual alarms aren’t going off. Around two years ago, I hallucinated a stranger’s voice calling me into another room. I was extremely confused and disoriented by this, as I got up to look around but nobody was there. I haven’t heard any voices since then, which is good.

I often hallucinate scents associated with significant people, places, and memories, even when those people aren’t present and I’m not in a location where the smell would naturally occur. At first I thought this could be chalked up to migraine aura or something like that, but I don’t get migraines.

I’ve also had extreme “sensed presence” hallucinations where I feel like someone is watching me even though there’s nobody else in the room. At times, this hallucination has fed into paranoid thoughts that there are cameras in my shower drain, etc.

My main delusion in episodes I’ve had in the past has involved the extreme significance of certain numbers and symbols. At the time, I didn’t think anything was wrong. In fact, I was convinced that I was on track to uncover the pattern that organizes everything in the universe, and all of my interpersonal relationships. As part of this delusion I would vocally repeat certain numbers (as a strategy to figure out what they meant), and spend copious amounts of time writing down all of my “findings” in Google documents and notebooks. At one point, I ended up writing down a bunch of dates in a row and adding up all of the digits to discover how they were connected to the numbers 4, 5, and 7, which I had decided were the most important numbers in my life. Looking back on the Google document I stored the data in, I have absolutely no clue what my thought process was at the time.

...

So, I’ve been wondering what all of this means.

When I start putting the pieces together to examine my own life, things start to make some sense.

First, as I mentioned earlier, autistic people are 3x more likely to develop psychosis than the general population. Obviously, that statistic is relevant to my situation, since I’m autistic.

But I’m not just autistic. I also have a decent handful of mental illnesses, each of which overlap and carry their own risk factors for psychosis. The main ones I’ll be talking about here are severe generalized anxiety/panic disorder, OCD, and BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). I consider my OCD and BPD to be ~spicy spinoffs~ of anxiety, because they have the same root cause: my anxious, socially traumatized brain. We’ll get to that in a bit.

For now, here are some statistics:

A study conducted in 2012 found that psychotic symptoms were present in 27% of people with anxiety and/or depression.

A study conducted in 2014 found that people with OCD are around 5x more likely to develop schizophrenia than the general population.

A study conducted in 2017 found that 43% of people with BPD experience hallucinations, and stated that other studies have found prevalence rates of hallucinations in BPD ranging from 26% to 54%.

...

So alright, great, I’ve got a lot of risk factors. But what caused me to have those risk factors/mental illnesses in the first place? Let’s look at this specifically from an autistic lens. I’ve already talked about a lot of this in my “Autism and Mental Health” post on our Instagram, but these statistics are worth repeating in this context:

Around 40% of autistic people meet criteria for one or more anxiety disorders at any given time, compared to only 15% of the general population.

Autistic people are 4x more likely than neurotypicals to be clinically depressed at some point in their lives.

Autistic people are 4x more likely than the general population to experience severe loneliness.

Autistic people are 3x more likely than the general population to experience maltreatment (a catch-all term for various forms of abuse).

A study conducted in 2012 found that 63% of autistic children had been bullied, and were 3x more likely to be bullied than their neurotypical siblings.

And what does the research say about the long-term effects of bullying and abuse?

According to a 2012 study, children who are bullied by their peers are at an increased risk of developing Borderline Personality Disorder. And BPD is, as previously established, a risk factor for developing psychosis.

According to a 2014 study, people who were bullied in childhood are 11x more likely to develop anxiety disorders in adulthood, but especially OCD. And, as previously mentioned, people with OCD are 5x more likely to develop schizophrenia.

But the link between bullying and psychosis gets even more explicit than that.

A 2013 study found that children who had been bullied were 2x more likely to experience psychosis symptoms than typical controls, and that children experiencing first-time psychotic episodes were 2x more likely than typical controls to report having been bullied in the past.

...

This is not to say that being bullied and abused is the only reason why autistic people sometimes develop psychosis. There are obviously a great deal of different factors, some genetic & biological, that lead to the development of mental illness. But the role of trauma and other social/environmental factors can’t be discounted.

If two people are exposed to the same negative experience, it’s possible that one will become traumatized and one won’t. That’s because one person may have been genetically/biologically predisposed to have heightened fear responses to environmental stimuli, while the other person didn’t have the same predisposition. Yet, the genetically predisposed person would not have been traumatized if they had not experienced the negative event.

I was bullied as a child. I was also abused. Both of those things deeply affected me, because I’m autistic and therefore hypersensitive. The trauma caused me to develop BPD and severe abandonment anxiety, which often feeds into paranoia. My generalized anxiety also morphed into OCD, which caused me to have disturbing intrusive thoughts, and compulsions. All of this predisposed me to develop psychosis. And in the past few years, *surprise*, I’ve started having psychotic symptoms.

When I look back on my life experiences and how they interacted with my autistic brain & positive family history of psychosis, none of this is surprising. It actually makes perfect sense. And because it makes perfect sense, in a way I’m reassured. My hallucinations and delusions fit the pattern, so there’s no need for me to be scared. I know why this is happening. The trajectory is predictable. And if I keep taking care of myself and monitoring symptoms, I know I’ll be alright.

~Eden🐢

I really relate to the eating quickly thing. I don’t understand social meals. I eat fast and then eating time is over and it’s time to go. Humans make eating into a social event instead and spend long portions of time talking instead of accomplishing the task at hand as I see it. I think some other animals have social meals as well. I doubt it’s an exclusively human thing, but it’s not something my species does and so I find it very odd.

I also have to remember to chew my food since I forget I’m not supposed to swallow food whole.

I tend to forget to eat until food is actually in front of me at which point I must eat it all. Which I assume is due to me being an opportunistic feeder that doesn’t have to eat very often.

This might be one of my "weirder" rants but I think I came to a realization that the way I eat has been a pretty big sign my therianthropy.

Ever since I was little, adults in my life have been nagging me that I "eat improperly."

The biggest thing I got told off for (and still get told off for) is that I eat too fast, or a I take too big of bites when I eat. I never have understood why people thought this was such a big deal. I'm eating the way that is most comfortable for me and somehow that's the "wrong way."

I am eating like I should .

To me, this has been part of my disconnect from "the human experince." I don't eat like a human, I've always been eating like an animal; even without realizing it. Subconsciously eating as fast as I need so that my competitors don't take my food. Big bites, like a bear would. Sometimes even large portion sizes, like a bear would.

I would like to know other alterhuman's experience with food and/or eating habits. Does anyone else feel like they were eating a certain way or only eating a certain type of food and not realizing they were doing it?

The appearance outwardly of my physical body is an illusion. I wish the fur, wings, fangs and whatnot could actually be seen. It's there, but the illusion, the veil, the glamour..

also this point is a bit unrelated, but I find it funny that I keep rats when I’m a snake. whenever I play with them all I can of think is the phrase “playing with your food”. despite the fact that they are technically my prey, I have no urges towards them. again, I see them more as children than anything else.

I don’t know if it has to do with the neurodivergence or the nonhumanity but my relationship with pets is a bit odd. they are more siblings or children than anything else. we are both creatures which is something humans often fail to recognize/respect.

the rats I take care of are my friends. not mine through ownership, but mine through relationship.

I doubt this view is really all that uncommon in the nonhuman community, but I have yet to see much talk about it.

I think this is so interesting and now I really wanna hear more about the ways different people interact with animals. ​I have many pets and have always been a very animal-obsessed person so I wanted to add some thoughts.

Personally, I’ve have found that the neurodivergent people I know (myself included) tend to personify animals much more than is usual. For example, when I get a new animal it takes me a while to “become friends” with them. (Which is basically just us getting to know each other/getting into a routine.) But everyone I’ve met has always been very confused by that.

Another weird thing is I’m not super empathetic towards people, but with animals I’m hyperempathetic. And I’ve seen tons of other neurodivergent people express this online! It’s such a strange thing I love it!

the cool thing about working with animals is that I have one singular neurotypical colleague (as far as I know). and it’s become super obvious to me that the way autistic people relate to animals is fundamentally different to how allistics relate to animals. and the way people with ADHD relate to animals is fundamentally different to those without. 

(only one of my colleagues has Tourette’s and only two of us have OCD, so I don’t think that’s enough to make any grand sweeping statements). 

anyway. a real interaction between two of my colleagues today.

ADHD: Maggie won’t stop barking at me. I think she’s upset.

autistic: let me go talk to her. I can fix this. 

and that’s not uncommon? my autistic colleagues and I seem to talk to the animals to a much greater extent than anyone else. my ADHD colleagues and I seem to be the best at associating the correct name and breed and dietary requirements to the correct dog, which is weird, because I can’t do the same when it comes to humans.

I know that most people communicate with their animals but… it’s different in a way I can’t quite explain. the communication and connection seems so much deeper… I don’t know, it’s just wonderful. also, the fact that so many ND people work with me… that alone… indicates something. 

Totally get this, I constantly shift into species dwelling in tropical regions like why??? There are snakes in my area that I could be, and then I wouldn’t feel so out of place in my environment.

It's one of the "why can't i be a snowshoe, brown, arctic or mountain hare why do i have to be a physical jackrabbit? Why of all things must i be the lagomorph that feels so alien in my own birthplace's climate and environment" days.

Get me out of here it feels like biological species edging with being so close to those hares and yet so far. Worse yet i have not been able to physiclaly morph into another lagomorph so far at least, making the whole ordeal worse

there’s a lot of odd things humans do, but right now I’m very hung up on parades. I do not understand them whatsoever??? they are gaudy and overwhelming and very very strange to me

The amount of posts I see on here, especially about delusion-related stuff, that are like "I don't experience this and admit I don't have a good understanding of it at all, but anyway here's my opinion on why something those who experience it do is harmful" is so annoying.

Holy shit, if you straight up know you don't know enough about this topic, just shut the fuck up. You don't need to share your opinion on shit that doesn't include you and you have no actual idea about.