Bruce Would Have Interesting Ways To Discipline His Kids.

I'm not crying you're crying

Uncanny X-Men #6 - "The Change in Ourselves" (2024)

written by Gail Simone art by Javier Garron & Matthew Wilson

Dick, texting Wally: hey, patrol kinda boring tonight, do you want to play 20 questions?

Wally: yeah sure man, what's your favorite family meal?

Dick: triangles.

Dick: do you like boys?

Wally: yeah.... I... Came out to you first...

Dick: just checking. You free on Friday?

Wally: yeah?

Dick: good, I'll pick you up at 12. Bye.

Wally: ... Okay but our game? Hello??

Outside of the texts

Dick: I asked him out.

Barbara: saw, you technically didn't but better than you pinning for him all day. Good luck.

Dick: don't need it, I'm Dick Grayson, I got this.

Bruce: oh no, you don't, I said the same thing, you're gonna fail bud.

Dick, looks at Bruce funny: you are bad a pep talks.

Allen-west house hold

Wally: MOMMA HOW DO I KNOW HE ASKED ME OUT OR NOT!?

Iris, from the kitchen: WHAT THE TEXT SAY SWEETHEART?

Wally: IT SAYS "good, I'll pick you up at 12"!

Iris: HE'S TAKING YOU OUT ON A DATE BUT SHY A OUT IT! DRESS CASUAL.

Wally: THANKS MOMMA!

Barry: WHY NOBODY YELLING FOR ME FOR DATING ADVICE!

Wally: BECAUSE MOMMA FLIRTERD WITH YOU THE WHOLE TIME AND YOU WERE STUCK IN YOUR OWN HEAD, I NEED HELP NOT MORE PROBLEMS AND QUESTIONS!

Barry:

Barry: FAIR, ALSO WHY ARE YOU YELLING FROM YOUR BEDROOM YOU COULD HAVE SPEED DOWN HERE!

Wally: BECAUSE I'M EMBARRASSED!

-at a justice league meeting in the midst of a very very stressful few weeks for Batman where everything has gone wrong, alfred is on vacation, and Bruce has not slept in days-

Batman: -outstandingly still coherent, lays out an extremely detailed plan on how to take down the Villain Of The Week- Any questions?

Nightwing: -slowly raising his hand from across the table-

Batman: Yes?

Nightwing: So... in all of this planning did you block out time to go pick up Robin from school like you said you would, or do you want me to do that?

Batman: ...

Nightwing: I'd say we could just let walk home alone, but the last time you did that, we found him trying to dismantle a section of the Russian mafia about two hours after he was supposed to get home.

Batman: ...

Nightwing: And he gets out of school in -checks wrist like he's wearing a watch- ten minutes, so you might want to make a decision soon.

Batman: ...Fuck.

Imagine:

The JJ incident happens after Bruce disappears into the time stream, and before Tim gets kicked from Robin. Due to dick being spread so thin and Tim(Headcannon) Being antisocial and disappearing for days on end due to being used to solitude, this sudden disappearance goes overlooked until the joker starts jeering at batman any time he sees him, making jokes about how his new son is better now that that Robin mentality has been removed. Dick panics, searches high and low through Tim's normal hiding spots and finds nothing. Instead of Harley having taken Tim in this au I like the idea that she had left the joker when Tim first became Robin though the joker kidnaps her and manipulated/brainwashes her while he's ruining Tim too. Tim kills the joker like usual but he also throws Harley into a rehab center, before dick can talk to Tim he runs off to find Bruce.

Ooooooooh!

The best part about this is that Tim chucks Harley into a rehab center before diping. He's all like, "Damn. That was traumatic. You'll definitely need some help with that. Not me, though."

He can't even glance at himself in the mirror now, but he's fine. He's gotta go pick up Bruce from the timestream daycare.

There is one plot hole, though. Does Joker taunt Dick, Tim kills Joker, Tim leaves, and then Dick searches for Tim?

That'd be hella interesting.

Also, since JJ is so fresh, what if Ra's dunked Tim in the slime juice? Would Tim's mind just shatter?

Poor Tim. He's grieving the loss of 1.7 dads (Bruce isn't actually dead, and Joker isn't technically his dad either), maybe was told he's losing it by Dick before Joker forces him to actually lose it, and has the guilt/relief of killing Joker on his hands.

I would be interested in seeing Tim trying to cope with JJ as he travels. He sees JJ transposed over his image in reflections out of the corner of his eye. He hears the sound of electricity when he tries to sleep. Laughter echoes in museums and the cave. No matter what disguise he wears, it's difficult to stop smiling. The smell of face paint and bleach is ever present.

Anyways, I'd so be down to read a fic about JJ: Red Robim edition.

Somehow, someway, I can see this happening

what if Damian wasn’t sent to Bruce by Talia and instead decided to do a bit of early child-rebellion by running away to him himself. Talia, pissed off but too busy dealing with uprisings in the league to go track him down herself, calls up the person Damian is most likely to listen to other than her; his brother, who she trusts to keep him safe.

the thing is, Jason is 1: busy with his own missions atm 2: was also once a rebellious little asshole who liked to run away from home. he was Damian’s tutor once, he knows the kid can handle himself and he also knows if he CAN’T handle something he’ll contact Jason for help. he knows this because about a week before Talia called him, Damian called him.

Jason, phone balanced between his ear and shoulder: what do you want, i’m undercover

Damian: i require money for a fake passport.

Jason:

Jason, letting go of the guy he was beating up: alright you have my attention.

Damian: i am running away from home. i wish to do something ‘for the lore’ like the stories you used to tell me as a child.

Jason:

Jason ‘i’m going to ethiopia’ Todd: there’s some stuff in the fake panel under my bed. don’t tell me where you’re going, i don’t want to be complicit when Talia calls. also don’t die, because if you do i’m gonna make you eat dirt once you get out of the pit.

Damian: understood. if i am about to die, i shall call again.

Jason: have fun kiddo.

so Jason tells Talia he’ll ‘keep an eye out for any leads’ and then goes back to his normal business. league missions, his own missions, some outlaw shit, and eventually he ends up crime lording it up in Gotham. he’s a little confused when Tim Drake is seen swinging around as Red Robin rather than just Robin, but he got over his obsession with the Robin shit a while ago, so he ignores it.

until he runs into Batman and Robin. and there isn’t a mask in the fucking world that could hide his kid brother’s face from him.

Red Hood:

Robin:

Red Hood:

Robin:

Batman: why are you two staring at each other like that. what’s happening.

Robin:

Red Hood: *deep sigh*

Robin: are you going to tell mother-

Red Hood: -when you said ‘like the stories i used to tell you’.

Robin: *looks at the floor*

Red Hood: i did NOT think you meant running to a different country to find your birth parent. you fucking COPIER.

Robin:

Robin: …but you made being Robin sound so cool…

Batman: what the fuck are you two talking about?

Red Hood, pointing: you stay out of this, this is family business.

Batman: ????

I just know Gordon internally dies every time someone in the bullpen has some gossip magazine with Batman's highly distinct jawline splashed across a cover or spread.

The justice league sees Batman periodically updating a database of his, at the oddest of times, and naturally they think it's got something to do with his contingency plans or a dataset about the Gotham rogues, but in reality it's just him keeping record of his many children's changing tastes

Superman: Woah, he's writing down with such concentration, wonder what could be in there, maybe a new villain in Gotham?

Bruce, writing: "Dick has refused his favourite Pb&J five mornings in a row. Delete from favourites. Ask for new favourite food."

"Jason didn't seem as Eager to read the new book by his favourite author, put it in neutral category."

"Tim chose a green shirt instead of a red one at the mall today. More research needed."

"Cass listened to arctic monkeys on repeat this week. Update to favourites."

"Duke expressed an interest in slam poetry and called band practice lame. Put poetry in favourites and band in neutral."

"Damian watched Bluey for a total of 50 hours this week. Update to favourites."

jason [monologuing]: — after me there aren’t any other robins hurt at the hands of the joker, and i intend to keep it that way

tim [remembering the joker junior incident]: sure…

jason: wdym by that replacement?.. robin? tim what are you talking about!??

Dick 9 times out of 10 failing to hide a severe injury from the rest of the batfam because without fail when he’s tired or drugged or generally not firing on all cylinders his native accent comes out as thick as the day he met Bruce.

- - -

Bruce: Dick come down for a check up I saw you take that hit for Tim.

Dick, halfway towards the cave exit and still going, in the quietest voice possible: im fine

Bruce: Say squirrel and you can leave.

Dick:

Bruce:

Jason:

Tim:

Damien:

Dick: …skweeerrehl.

Jason: Get him boys.

Arkham Knight: IF

I've been doing a lot of Ace Attorney reworking lately... I figured this gives me the perfect excuse to dive into a one-shot for Arkham Knight. One of my fav games, in spite of the criticisms against it. (人◕ω◕)

As a forewarning: this universe is set apart from comics and established game universe (despite there being some similarities in the game's lore). I'm not an avid comic reader, so it is not my intent to upset anyone. I'm merely presenting a possible universe based off information I learned through the Arkham games and any tidbits I pick up from elsewhere.

And if you're wondering why I'm skimming over Jason being saved? Or a retelling of Arkham Asylum? Well, a good buddy of mine wrote a couple fanfics on those events a long time ago. I don't feel like treading the same ground as him, and I'm skipping Arkham City because it's just the major catalyst of what I wish to really muse on. Maybe one day I'll circle back and muse on it, but for now I'll focus on Arkham Knight. (人◕ω◕)

But I'll give a brief rundown of the events that led up to this. Batman manages to save Jason from Joker after a few months. Tim Drake still joined on as Robin because Bruce needs backup out there and he was making too many careless mistakes because of his tireless, relentless search for Jason. Moreover, Barbara was shot by Joker during these few months, which is why she couldn't step up as Bruce's sidekick in Jason's absence.

When the second Boy Wonder is saved and brought back to Wayne Manor, things are... tense. Jason has to recover physically and mentally from Joker's brutal torture, and he doesn't take it very well that Tim stepped in as Robin. However, Tim steps aside gracefully to let Jason reclaim the mantle of Robin since it's so important to him. Not that Tim quits as a member of the Bat Family - he just transitions to the title of Cardinal (may become Red Robin at a later date; for now Tim's thinking of Jason's feelings). Jason... isn't completely satisfied with the pity shown to him, but he hashes things out with Bruce and establishes that he's still Robin, that he still has a home at Wayne Manor. Barbara, Tim, Alfred, Bruce, they all still care for Jason. (人◕ω◕)

Arkham Asylum progresses similarly to canon, just with Jason tagging along as Robin and wrestling through his hatred for Joker. Doesn't help that Joker knows he broke this Robin, and uses every opportunity to steal him back... But it never pans out. Joker is prevented from a Titan transformation at the end of the night - Jason snipes it out of Joker's hand before he can inject himself. Keeps the events on the island from being televized, at least. And also - Scarecrow still gets devoured by Croc to some extent. That doesn't change. Dr. Young is spared from dying... though she does have much to answer for in developing Titan... (人◕ω◕)

Arkham City as such progresses with a healthy Joker and a mentally spiraling Jason. (人◕ω◕);;; He's starting to feel that keeping these crooks alive isn't worth the pain if they're just going to bust out again and be terrible human beings. But right now it's Joker he's focused on... because he targeted Bruce (and himself) on Arkham, and the Clown's being given all this freedom in Arkham City... He's not happy.

Bruce tries to keep him out of the Arkham City fiasco, but he slips in with Tim when Cardinal brings Batman the line launcher. Jason not hooking up with Bruce does bring a wave of uneasiness, and it complicates the mission to bring down Arkham City. Bottom line? Batman and Oracle still stop Protocol 10 after it's initiated, but Jason kills Joker before Clayface kills Talia. Batman, Robin, and Talia then take Clayface down together... But after Bruce blows up the Lazarus Pit, there's the matter of Jason taking a life and having to own up to that to GCPD.

Ultimately, Jason is arrested and sent to prison, but the lawyers manage to argue it was in self-defense, which shaves off years of his sentence. Being too invested in Jason, Bruce is kept in the dark about his son's rehabilitative process; Alfred is allowed to know certain details, but for some reason Bruce is kept out of the loop. They tell him their hands are tied due to Jason being uncovered as a member of the Bat Family, but even Batman can't... get anything out of Gordon. It's clear that something is amiss, but Bruce doesn't press too hard, even as Batman confronting Gordon - Jim begs his old friend to trust him, and Bruce...grudgingly backs down. (人◕ω◕)

So already, we see some stark differences in this timeline: Joker never became terminal because of the Titan, so he didn't infect all those people (including Bruce) with his blood. This means no people to cure of Joker's blood. Which in turn means when Scarecrow makes his move against Gotham, Batman has no excuse to keep Tim away from events, as much as Bruce would like to tackle this all on his own because of his failure to keep Jason from crossing the blood red line. (人◕ω◕) Alfred, Barbara, and Tim can tell that Bruce's guilt is gnawing away at him, but they won't let him face this night alone. They're also aware of some things that Bruce will... likely react negatively to.

But when Scarecrow has so much of the criminal underworld collaborating on a scheme to kill Batman and ruin his reputation...? Well. They can't treat this night like any other. (人◕ω◕) Batman's going to war, so the Bat Family is joining him on this crusade. All of them. (人◕ω◕) And not just the Bat Family... Gordon, Cash, GCPD, and some new faces that will throw Bruce for a loop. Scarecrow is relying on Deathstroke to run a militia in the hopes of overwhelming Batman with gear, weapons, and sheer numbers. On this night more than any other, Bruce needs an army of his own. (人◕ω◕)

The first stretch of the night involves Batman tracking Scarecrow down and stopping his plans at Ace Chemical, turning the facility into a bomb to spread his toxin across the entire eastern coast of America. That goes about the same, with Deathstroke remotely piloting the helicopter to kill Batman while he's searching for hostages. And his militia move to occupy Gotham while Batman is busy with Ace Chemical.

But as he's wrapping up the mess at the factory, Bruce is cut off from Oracle abruptly and this alarms him - believing somehow Deathstroke got to her. He demands Tim go check on the situation, and focuses on shrinking the blast radius since it's too late to stop the factory from detonating. Bruce manages to apply the four canisters of the neutralizing agent, and then ride out of there in the Batmobile. Outside, he gets updates on the city's situation from Alfred, and contacted by Gordon. Feeling Barbara's life is at stake, Batman requests to meet up and confess everything.

... When he rendezvouses with Jim, Bruce is given his first major shock of the evening: The Commissioner already knows Barbara is working for him, and he further already knows who Batman is. Gordon didn't want to say anything until preparations were complete, and he assures Bruce that only the people Jim trusts with his life know Batman's identity. They've been preparing this past year, ever since the incident in Arkham City. Preparing for a threat too large for Batman to contain by himself. As it stands, they're not as ready as Jim would like to be... But the criminals of Gotham have made their move, and all they can do now is react accordingly.

It's revealed that for this past year, Jason has been training a small militia of his own under the strictest supervision by GCPD. Trained them in everything he knew about how Batman fights and passing on the techniques and, to some extent, the gear. And through his knowledge of the Bat Family, of his connections with Wayne Enterprises and Lucius Fox, GCPD has been rebuilding Arkham Island without the city's council (or anyone) being any the wiser. It's difficult to ask the people of Gotham to keep trusting in the police when they keep letting things spiral out of control; Arkham City wasn't completely on them, but the public only sees the disaster that happened there. It still falls on GCPD's shoulders to do... something, anything...!

Hence, they're trying things this way. The public appreciates Batman to some extent, so if they have a task force that can operate like him and cut down on crime in the city... It should help in tackling the gauntlet that Scarecrow has thrown down with this alliance of Gotham's underworld. Batman won't be alone out there, and they won't just be using the GCPD's holding cells until the nightmare is over, Arkham Island's reopened... for the most part (a year is hardly time to fix everything wrong on that island). They can worry about the courts and the public's reactions later. Right now? Barbara's stationed there with a few of Jason's most trusted men. He's been making great strides in his rehab, though that could also be attributed to the friendships he's made with the personnel they've brought in - former soldiers of all ranks and sizes. Soldiers that were abandoned by their countries and left with nowhere else to go. The numbers may not compete with Deathstroke's army, but it's something.

Though he's troubled with Jason leaking secrets to Gordon and GCPD, Bruce is nevertheless thankful they've tried to contain these endeavors to people they trust without question. It still complicates things with more people knowing who Batman is, but for now Bruce will trust in Gordon, Lucius, Alfred, and everyone who spun this into motion. They're really trying to help Batman... And only time will tell how Jason's "army" will pan out after tonight.

Focusing on the here and now, free of having to worry about Barbara, and only the concern of Tim and Jason acting on their own in the city, Bruce lets his allies handle Bleake Island and make that their stronghold. He turns to Miagani to tackle elements of Deathstroke's militia and confront the Penguin with Dick swinging in from Bludhaven to help share intel on North Refrigeration. Knowing better than to even try sending him away from Gotham, Bruce allows his oldest son to keep tracking trucks so that they can destroy all of Penguin's caches.

Shortly after losing track of Penguin, Batman follows up on a lead that brings him to Stagg's airships and Jason hooks up with him, bringing along a few of his men to fight off Deathstroke's militia. The two of them finally chat after a year's worth of silence. Jason reveals that he was the one to come up with the idea of forming a "Bat Army" after the snafu with Tyger operatives in Arkham City. He hated feeling so overwhelmed in Arkham City, wondered if they would really survive the ordeal. Jason knows that by all accounts he betrayed Bruce by killing Joker; but to this day he still doesn't regret putting the Clown in the dirt. Jason is doing his best to power through rehab, to understand the gravity of ending lives... It's just, the Joker was deeply personal to Jason. After suffering for months under that sadistic torture, after stewing in so much anger and hatred over what that Clown did to Barbara and what he could do to Bruce, to Alfred, to Tim, to Dick... Jason has no regrets about that kill. When Jim came to him with the idea of working together to help Batman, Jason gave in without question.

Because... even if he and Bruce don't see eye-to-eye on everything, Jason doesn't want him to die. He's still loyal to the Bat Family, and he's felt capable and useful training these guys. It's a rush to be the Commander for once, to plan and make contingencies... He's not just Bruce's "underling" anymore. Jason needs Bruce to understand they're working with him, not for him. ... And yes, Barbara helped him iron out these feelings of his. Those were her words, and he agreed 100%.

It's sobering to see his son so grown up, to see all his "sidekicks" acting independently and yet so cohesively. What they're doing is bold and reckless, but it's no different than what he's been doing for years as Batman. And perhaps it's for the best they're operating as a team - for all the weaknesses that come with more people knowing their secrets, it's made up by the fact they have a reliable network of people looking out for one another.

Bruce and Jason confront Scarecrow together... But Deathstroke extracts his boss with the Cloudburst and escape. Still, they take Stagg into custody and Jason has a few more men collect the defeated militia members left on the airships. While they work on a strategy to counter the Cloudburst (approaching Ivy for assistance), and a strategy to mount an assault on Founder's Island... Some threats are knocked out by their allies.

When Two-Face starts hitting banks, Tim personally handles that one with Barbara offering remote backup. Dick tracks another refrigeration truck and takes out another of Penguin's weapons caches. Before he proceeds to Founder's Island, Bruce is asked to help restrain Firefly, who's attacking the fire stations across the city; Jason makes sure the pyromaniac stays down after the first loss. Jason's men go about tracking the missing firefighters, and investigating Professor Pyg's murders. As for Riddler, Talia resurfaces and takes him down with her sister and her faction of the League of Shadows; they leave Nigma for GCPD to collect. This liberates Catwoman without a need for a massive scavenger hunt.

With all of this taken care of, Bruce moves onto Founder's with Jason and his men providing backup with APC's. Bruce eliminates the Cobra Tanks, and then they go about combing Founder's Island, taking out Deathstroke's militia meticulously and searching for the Cloudburst. It's a slog with so many criminals and militia working together, but it gets easier as the night progresses because of the minor threats getting chipped away at. The firefighter's are rescued by Jason's men, including the Chief; Professor Pyg is taken down by Tim; Dick tracks down the last few of Penguin's caches and brings him down personally; Azrael is confronted by Talia and Nyssa, and freed from his brainwashing; the Man-Bat is identified and administered a cure by Jason with Oracle's help; Blackfire and his cult are taken down by Tim and Dick collaborating...

It's a long night. Deathstroke still rides out in a tank and sets off the Cloudburst... Bruce works with Ivy to quell the threat after dealing with Deathstroke's tank, yet the assassin does slip away after suffering defeat. Ivy disperses the cloud left hanging over Gotham, and because of their quick reaction time to the main threat she's left close to death but ultimately saved and hospitalized. This leaves Bruce and allies to chase down Scarecrow and Deathstroke, who do everything in their remaining power to fight back. They rely on distractions that Harley, Hush, Killer Croc, Freeze, Mad Hatter, and Ra's create to take Jim hostage. The threats are all eventually incapacitated or convinced to leave Gotham... But Deathstroke mounts a final massive assault on GCPD with drones and tanks, and has a final clash with Jason, while Bruce goes after Scarecrow and Jim.

In the end, Scarecrow doesn't even come close to winning, even with holding Jim hostage. He gets a dose of his own medicine and is left a twitching, paranoid wreck as they haul him in at last. Batman's identity isn't unmasked publicly, so there's no need to enact the Knightfall Protocol. GCPD is tangled up in court proceedings with all the crooks they rounded up, but the new Arkham Island proves to be a decent enough prison to hold them all. The important part comes next - turning the prison into a proper rehab center, nipping all corruption in GCPD's ranks before it can become a problem again. Working more intimately with the Bat Family from now on... that seems doable. Especially with Jason's trained militia being the main guards for the foreseeable future. The fact that Ivy helped Gotham after all her years of hating it... Rehabilitation is possible. They just have to keep trying; hope for the best, and prepare for the worst.

It's a lot to adjust to moving forward... But Bruce isn't alone in his quest to protect Gotham. (人◕ω◕)