I Need To Fucking Kill Myself

J don’t even like dressing up anymore

I dont Even know what to say I’m just speechless. I shouldn’t of asked him how you were doing and I shouldn’t have checked your twitter again. It didn’t trigger me THAT bad but I just can’t keep doing this over and over. I just wish you would hurt. I just wish you would feel my pain. I wish you would obsess over how bad you’re hurting like I do. I’m sorry

I don’t think my partner cares about me anymore

Getting beat and kicked down until I’m close to an unrecognizable mess and then you kiss me disgustingly on my blood filled mouth. I give you my full consent to beat the shit out of me and leave me clinging onto consciousness then admiring what damage you have done to me. I love being abused what can I say. It turns me on

Kill me im so fucking done I’m so done i can’t take it anymore

“I’m sorry, my baby, for letting you down on so many occasions”

“I only wished I had more time with you, and that I not wasted so much of the time I did have”

“I hope and pray I see you soon, my baby, like I always do”

I want to hide away from everyone forever. I dont want anybody to see me or to look at me anymore

Please god fucking help me

I just feel so embarrassed about everything. I don’t know what to do. I hate when people give me this attention because it just makes me feel so helpless. But yet it’s something I complain about. I don’t fuckin know what I want. I don’t know what I want to choose, or what I want to happen, or anything. All I am is fucking confused and chaotic. I am struggling so fucking hard right now and I feel nothing but guilt and shame. I have no other outlet. I’m not trying to get people to feel awful for me or terrible or anything. I want to be left alone yet I want people to hear me and realize that I am fucking struggling man

I just want to go ghost. I want to leave everything behind and just be by myself for the rest of my life. Yet I can’t even fucking do that. I can’t do it. I need someone it seems. It seems i struggle with being by myself. Everything is just so fucking hard. I don’t know what I am going to do. I’m so tired of this. I’m so tired of consistently going through these intense cycles of emotion. I’m tired of having breakdowns every month. I’m fucking sick of living this way but it just feels like there’s nothing I can do besides give up hope

I dont know what specifically happened, but I don’t think I really need this account anymore. I mean I’ll still use it, what I meant is that I don’t think I feel as empty as I did when I first started.

I got a job and I love it. I finally got my permit after about 3 tries. I an getting out way more. I am dating the ACTUAL love of my life and am getting closer and closer with him. I’m getting closer to my irl friends. I’m doing … mostly ok in school, but I’m not worried about it. It’s my last year in school. I’m in therapy and I get along with my therapist. I feel more confident about myself and my body. I have proper medication that really works. I have a new special interest. I’ve been extremely creative, both art + music + edit & even writing wise. I’ve been finding some new music that has been inspirational to me. I’m sort of re-developing my clothing style. I have a wicked ass tattoo. Ive been smoking weed and having fun with that. Whenever I think of her I dismiss it and move on. I have amazing friends both online and irl and am developing decently normal relationships. I’m laughing so much more. I’m becoming more independent. I’ve redeveloped a love for energy drinks, specifically Monster. People have been more kinder to me. I am a trendsetter at my school and everyone talks about me. Im about to get a big paycheck. When I get my proper driver’s license, I’m going to be able to drive around. Im getting my issues solved. Next year I will HOPEFULLY be able to get a house with my partner and we can live on our own.

There’s so much more, but I can’t list them all. Im pretty forgetful. I just think I am healing. There are times where I feel like im not, and where I relapse back into old habits but I believe I’ve been getting better at that. I think that in general I am getting better. I am more grateful for the little things in life. I have no need to look back on the past, get upset about the past, etc. What’s done is done and there’s nothing I can change besides how my future will end up. I have people who love and support me forever and I am glad I do. Whether it’s 2 people or 20, I am happy I am in their presence. I think I am getting okay. It’s only up from here everyone