I Dont Even Know What To Say I’m Just Speechless. I Shouldn’t Of Asked Him How You Were Doing And

I wish I could show myself off like </33 I want to bottom so bad but it feels like I can’t 4 nobody it’s so terrible oughe 💔💔💔

I don’t know why I try to do anything I am so untalented and fucking retarded and stupid oh my fod I need to die I want to slit my wrists I want to fucking hang my self I hate myself so fucking much I can’t take it I want to kill myself i want to die why haven’t I died yet why am I still here I have no purpose I hate everyone I want to die

I am so fucking worthless when will this end

I wish it didn’t fucking hurt as much as it did. I wish it didn’t take everything in me to not text you and beg for you back. I can’t do it.

I just have to accept you’re gone and that you never really loved me. Why does it still hurt? Why am I still affected like it happened yesterday? I shouldn’t be judging myself for this because it is completely human, such as I, and I experience emotions like everyone else albeit very very intensely. I just feel so alone and I don’t know why.

I have everything I want it feels like. I’m learning how to make music on computer. I have friends. I have a wonderful relationship. I have support. I get constant money and am so lucky financially. I get out more. I have all the clothes I want. I have parents who care. What the fuck is wrong with me and why am I like this? Why do I feel alone right now? Why do I feel the worst I’ve ever fucking felt?

My life is over

I’m a failure and an embarrassment

I did everything for you. I was molded into the perfect person for you. God damn i miss you. I miss you so much every day.

Sometimes i delude myself into thinking that we are some sort of angsty trope, the trope where we both want and love each other but can’t have each other so we just mourn while thinking of each other positively. I cannot be more wrong. I have to stop acting like this is what’s happening.

I miss you so much. I want to talk to you one more time—PROPERLY. But even then, I don’t know what the fuck would happen. I think I’d be hurt more.

God, I fucking miss you. You’ve still left such a fucking impact on my heart. I miss you. I miss you so much and sometimes I remember how destroyed I feel when you aren’t present anymore. There are so many things I want to show you. So many things that remind me of you that I want to tell you about. So much new music I’ve found in your favorite genre. So much improvement in me that i truly thought you’d be proud of.

I wish people understood. I talk to my friends about how much I miss you sometimes, but really try to talk lightly as to not annoy anybody. They just don’t understand. They just think it’s a simple “not moving on”. It’s so much worse than that. It’s torment. It’s hell that I still love you so much and I don’t even think you care anymore.

I want to restart everything. I either want to go back in time to prevent meeting you, or go back in time to take things slower and actually do things right. Would it really ever go right, though?

I know in one universe we worked out. I wish I woke up in it sometimes.

I wish we were friends. I know it would be even more terrible than what we had, but I would do anything to just hear your voice again. I miss you so much. And it hurts knowing you don’t miss me. I have to accept it, and I have to learn not to be mad at you for it.

What anyone thinks or feels about me is none of my business. I don’t need to dwell onto what you could possibly be thinking about me, it’s quite pointless. I should be allowed to feel as deeply as I do for you still while also moving on.

I am sorry things went the way they did. I know that I was mentally fucked up, and sincerely not prepared for what was to come. We moved too fast, and while I thought it would be a good idea to get you immediately, it was truly the fear of abandonment and my insecurities. I never meant to drag you into a relationship you weren’t ready for. I wish that you would’ve told me if that was the case.

I know my communication wasn’t the best and I took out my rage onto you when there were times where you really didn’t mean it. There were just some times where it truly didn’t feel as if I was heard. I still shouldn’t have been mean. You were trying your best and that’s all that matters. You handled it well, and you did give me a lot more chances than you should’ve, and I feel I took advantage of that. I am sorry that I acted so immaturely during the relationship and after it.

I couldn’t ever mean those things. I could never, EVER pretend that those evil things I said to you were genuine. I just wanted to hurt you. It’s funny, because I love you so much yet I said shit out of malicious intent that I know cut you deep. I just wish you knew what I felt. I wish the process was gentle. I wish that we didn’t have to feel the same way while going on different paths.

I know we can’t ever have each other again, but I wanted to say thank you for the time you did spend with me. It’s fucked up that we can’t be together. You may not even feel the way I do still, and I suppose I understand. It’s not my business to understand, but to respect your choice and let you do what’s best for YOU, despite how it much it hurts me. You don’t make up my entire person, nor do you own me. I have lived without you before and I can do it again, but that doesn’t mean I want to.

Thank you so much for listening when nobody else would. You really, truly made me feel heard even if the times I split on you said otherwise. It was so enticing teaching you about my life & learning about your culture. Introducing you to music I’m passionate about and you loving it will always be etched into my brain. Smoking cigarettes while you begged me to be careful is a memory that plays often. Hearing you cry because of how much love you had for me still resides in my mind.

You have left an impact on me. I loved our memories, and I still do. Despite if you hate me or not, I hope you know im not mad at you. I still love you. I still wish the best for you. I still wish that you will recover from your self harm addiction, mental illnesses, trauma, suicidal and homicidal ideation, and everything else that may be troubling you. I want you to grow and become a better person. I still have love for you, and you may not have love for me, but that just shows how kind I really am.

I know that you did me wrong but I forgive you. Your actions were fucked up, and they did hurt a lot. I know that I hurt you too, maybe in a different way, but I still affected you. I know that no matter how much love we had or still have for each other, that there just isn’t any reason for us to be together. It hurts so much. But it’s for the best, and I want the best for you. I want the best for me.

One day I will type out my last vent about how much I love you. That doesn’t mean I’ve forgotten about you, or that I don’t love you anymore. It means that I am finally in a better place, and hopefully around that time, you are too. I forgive you. I apologize for my terrible actions. You are still a human throughout your flaws and mistakes. I hope that you fix yourself, and that you get to be the very best you possibly can be, whether that journey includes me or not. I love you.

I think im going to kill myself

I’m repulsive to everyone I love

Everybody that I love or end up in a relationship with are all the same they all think I’m disgusting and repulsive and will leave me I fucking hate romance it’s dead to me and I would rather fucking end my life then ever be romantically involved again it has done nothing but hurt me and kill me and make me feel so small and insignificant and hideous and ugly and stupid I fucking hate everything

I try not to be so pessimistic or nihilistic but it’s like there is nothing to be happy about for me today was actually a good day but it all came crashing down when I realized everyone I love doesn’t care about me nor do they see me as a man and they see me as some hideous disfigurement of a person and they would all like me better if I had a fucking cock I hate myself so much I just wish I was likable

I’m too flirty while I’m manic I don’t know what’s going on with me