I Wish I Could Show Myself Off Like

I’m so fucking sad man why do I have to be like this I can’t take it

I hate being schizophrenic because I was straight up so paranoid I was pregnant and it added onto my breakdown yesterday I beat the fuck out of my uterus and now I’m cramping and I don’t know if I work right down there anymore

You make me feel so ugly

Kill me im so fucking done I’m so done i can’t take it anymore

I relapsed and it didn’t fucking do anything of course I’m so tired I want to drill the blade into my disgusting body and just die and bleed out I fucking hate myself and my life I want to die

Everything hurts it was like I was talking to her again I’m hideous and I never want to look at myself again I just feel so ugly and terrible and so unworthy I wish that a specific genital was preferred over my whole entire fucking being I hate myself you Make me hate myself I’m so hideous and ugly and I never want to be seen by anyone ever again

I genuinely believe God isn’t taking me out yet because this is his version of Hell for me which is being but can’t successfully die and purposely he’s dragging me through all of this pain and forcing me to stay alive because he knows I want out he won’t let me out he hates me

This is genuinely Hell I’m already in hell and he shaped it to seem like I’m living an individual shitty life no this is a punishment i don’t know what for but I’m scared and nothing I can do will ever let him forgive me and I’m scared I don’t want to be an awful person

I want to be forgiven in general but I just don’t want this anymore ill be a good person if you just let me fucking go on to a different place please I have prayed asking for d**th and nothjng has fucking happened because he knows there’s nothing I hate more than being alive

Fuck I’m cursed I don’t know if this is psychosis I don’t know but I’m genuinely convinced I’m living in Hell and that this is a punishment for something I did long long ago I am genuinely convinced I’m In hell Icant get out of my own brain what am I gonna do

Not even the one I love loves me anymore

It's all my fault I've ruined my own life and now I have to deal with it and instead of taking accountability like a man I'm threatening suicide like a pussy and this is why I don't deserve to live and why I should be killed I am actually so evil I’m not kind I’m not nice I’m not thoughtful I am actually genuinely so evil

I genuinely need to die