Source

im starting to suspect that we (the snare trap system) is another layer to the poke system.

its weird. the main system still seems to be stuck in this headspace of "we are a teen and we are still in the trauma". while our system feels more...like an actual adult? and we are able to step away from the trauma better.

the main system is stuck in the events still. like they are in a whirlpool. and we are outside observers. but we also existed in there at some point? we are just...not them anymore.

idk how else ro describe it. maybe layer is not the right term.

but the main system feels like they are still stuck in the "we are in the active abuse events". when it has been years since that has ended. we are in a safer and better place now kinda. still live with one of our kinda abusers? the main one is gone. so we are...safer than before.

it feels strange to have this sense of calm compared to Dune. Dune and I are probably the most connected out of the two systems. even Dune and Sonar are not as...similar as we are.

i feel like im a more mellow version of it. in some ways ig.

idk.

ig i shouldn't dig up too much before a stressful day. everyone in the main system is panicking and losing it. they are so scared of disappointing others. to be able to be so aware and step away from those feelings. that is what convinces me that i am totally separate from them.

i am aware i am not in the bad situation anymore. the main system is not. they still think they are a teen in many ways. i do not. they think that they are still under main abusers watch. i know that we are not.

i am clear headed rn. they are not...i wish i could help them. but their head space is like a mine field. and they are huddled in the middle of it.

i cant approach. i can only observe. Dune and Sonar are vaguely aware of me amd the others but they cannot reach us. i can see their emotions and thoughts and feelings but i cant go and talk to them.

its like being able to log into another computer in read only mode. i cannot modify anything. i can only observe. i try to leave "sticky notes" and such to help them but I know as soon as i stop fronting. there will be chaos again.

...i worry about them. but there is not much more i can do. :(

i just have to try and believe that they will be ok tomorrow.

any other canine therians live away from town n when something goes bump in the night you are ALERT and AWAKE my ears are SWIVELING and my hackles are RAISED WHERE’S THE DANGER WHERE IS IT

green slime mood-board :D

from the cherenkov radiation wikipedia page

the scientists used to enter my enclosure with radiation suits on. they were advised not to get close to me cause if i bit them or they hung around me too long, they could get a lethal dose of radiation.

but some of them still would pet me when they pumped me full of chemicals. some would leave parts of their lunch for me near the entrance to my enclosure. the way some of them looked at me...i think they forgot that i was just a reanimated corpse of a wolfdog that had been be so modified it could barely be considered a wolfdog anymore. i much more resembled some kind of alien or shapeshifter.

still though...some of the scientists wanted and still want the best for me. even now that they remotely monitor me.

sometimes i can hear their radio calls in my head. make observations about my behavior. giving me migraines to deter me from getting too close to humans. making my body hurt and ache when i stray too far from where Im meant to be.

i wish my current environment was more like my enclosure. nice and foggy and chilly. mostly wastelands expect for a few sparce shrubs and dead trees. i used to dig burrows in the dirt and sleep underground. i miss the smell of dirt.

was listening to this song all day. idk where its from but it was reccomended to me. not even the lyrics really spoke to me its just the background music is so nice.

Luca Zanier

trying to navigate figuring out what content of wolf i am and what breed i am mixed with. but it is kind of triggering to sit down and think about it.

my brain is rejecting the idea that i should associate myself with dogs at all.

even though im sure im a low content wolfdog.

i hope one day i can love my dog side. and not run away from it.

i just dont wanna acknowledge that i am domestic in any way. it feels like its proving those who hurt us right.

like yeah they were right we are just some dog and trying to pretend to be feral at all is foolish.

but I know that i am feral and wild. i may be part dog but my feralness will always be stronger.

for now at least.

just until i can learn to accept that i am also part dog.