Falmorrune - Rainy Day

“Connection is either there or it’s not.”

I heard that this morning, and all I can think about since, is how some people have no idea what deep connection feels like. They carry on, sipping their tea, smiling at the sunset in the company of a stranger, and they long for nothing. I’d be a liar if I said that I didn’t envy something about that. Because once you know deep connection, surface level feels like drowning. And well, I’ve been gasping for air for quite some time now.

I feel like such a bad person.

Am I truly a bad person for wanting to just talk? I feel like I always am a bad person. Sometimes I wanna talk about current problems and other times I bring up my own past or other people's pasts. I try not to I just find myself doing it out of habit from always being stuck in MY past. I feel like if I ever want to talk to someone about how I feel that I am being to overbearing and putting to much on just one person, so then I just stop talking in general. I always get upset really easily too when something out of nowhere bothers me, like a simple little thought that just happens to pop into my head. I try not to let it out on other people but then I just get so overwhelmed that that I let it out on everyone who cares about me. Then I cry later because I think of sh!tty of a person I am for doing that to the people I love. What makes this all ten times worse it that I have Bipolar and I don't know how to control my emotions fully (I am working on it slowly) and it sucks because then it effects all of the relationships I have with people; whether that's a friendship, family relationship, or an actual relationship. It just sucks feeling like a bad person or the one who causes all the problems all the time.

august 12

on days like this

i want to yell at you

i want to scream at you

push you around

and tell you that past me is hurting

and she’s crying on the ground

the old me is nowhere to be found

all because you picked up that phone

on days like this

i want to wish you misfortune

because for this past year

thats the only thing i got

on days like this

i want to kick and scream and cry

all because you hurt me

you hurt every inch of my body

and my head is now throbbing

with anger

you go on like august 12th is another day

on that calendar of yours

that you cross off

but for me august 12th

is the day i question my sanity

its the day i lost a piece of myself

is there anything i could have done

to change your mind

is there anything i could’ve done

to stop you from saying goodbye

august the 12th is the day i failed

to get closure from you

and august the 12th is the day

i wish i was never alive

They will find someone better than you. They will replace you.

You are replaceable.

you didn't say goodbye and part of me believes that means you are coming back

i need to be knocked out

to stop the delusions

that keep hurting me

realizing that you belong to someone

that isnt me

I have a distinct memory of laying in my bed as a kid and wishing with all my heart that I would get hurt. That I would get into a bad car crash or I'd disappear. So my parents would cry and realize they didn't cherish me enough.

I find it sad that younger me thought she had to get hurt to feel loved.

dying inside while pretending that everything’s fine

Took a long time to register heh😅

We try to act fun to make the other person feel comfortable. But this doesn't work. We act the other way. Again this doesn’t work. Or any other way. If a person is not even an ounce of interested in you, even if you try a world of things, it won't work any good. This is how my balance gets disrupted. Never change to make people happy. You will suffer. Always be yourself