Wonders

I realized that I don’t miss you

I don’t miss you

I miss the way we were when we were together

I miss being held

I miss being loved

I miss having a “us”

But not us in particular

Because we were wrong in so many ways

So no, I don’t miss you

I just miss having a you

~ excerpts of me moving on ~

Shine on

“I love looking at the night sky”

“You do? Weren’t you always scared of the dark?”

“I was- I mean I still am, but look how bright everything up there seems to be. Isn’t it amazing to know that most of these stars don’t even exist anymore, but their light still travels through space and brightens our nights? Something that’s long gone and still shows us its beauty.”

“That surely is wonderful.”

“I know, right?”

“But then what about the moon? It needs to be shown off by the sun, can’t even shine by itself and still - everyone is amazed by it. Isn’t that unfair?”

“Some grace needs help to blossom. I love the moon and everything about it. These nightly rays that light up the dark and then feeling them shine on me - that makes me feel magical.”

“You are magical.”

“Don’t you dare try to make this about me. It’s about the beauty of the universe.”

“But why? When I feel your eyes on me I feel magical, I feel like you help me blossom every single day and I for sure guarantee you that your beauty will forever shine on in this universe.”

“Don’t be silly, I ain’t got no shine. And it won’t be seen forever in no universe.”

“In my universe it will.”

We love each other

neither one of us wants to admit it, but

in the weirdest way possible

we love each other

~ honestlywhatfor ~

Silence.

5 weeks of total silence. Nothing but our friends telling me that you don’t want to see me, telling me about how you turned right around, the second you heard I’d come too and went back home.

I felt stupid. Uncomfortable, since you brought me there first and now I’m the one keeping you away from this place that was once ours.

Sad, angry, desperate for explanation. Why are you acting as if I was the one who messed up. I did nothing but show you love. Making you laugh in moments of sadness, sharing moments of true happiness, bringing you comfort after a busy day at work.

And damn did I try hard.

And damn did it hurt to fall back into reality, losing hold on cloud nine. Free fall. Hitting rock bottom.

Broken, but still looking after you from afar. Now watching her settle on the cloud that was ours, her making you smile.

I’m crying down here watching you two fly high, reaching cloud nine. But as long as I can see your smile, I’ll stay on the cold ground.

Ready to catch you, the moment you might fall.

“Every time I look at you, I fall in love all over again”

Karma will handle it for me

You keep switching between me and her.

You selfish prick.

Try thinking about others for once.

We’re humans as well and your behavior towards us is nothing but inhumane.

Go fuck yourself.

It’s about you

I miss you since the last time we spoke. I wish I could bury my head into your hoodie and get one of these hugs I’ve been missing so dearly. I wish I could see your smile, knowing that I’m the person who made you laugh...

There’s so much that I’m wishing for in the moment, but I just want you to know that every single wish that appears in my head is

only

about

you

I realized that it got better when I finally found the courage to put my phone on silent over night for the first time

Not waiting for your usual 3am call anymore, like the ones I always got when we were still together

I’ll realize that I’m even better when I’ll get to sleep trough my first night without waking up, checking whether you called or not

I’m still proud of myself

One day, I’ll be able to be even prouder

~ excerpts of me moving on ~

I wish I could fall in love with you

I’m a person that falls in love easily.

I’ve fallen for the boy on the bus that always saved me a seat in the morning. I’ve fallen for the guy that drove me around town on the back of his motor cycle. I’ve fallen for a boy who just kept texting me whenever he felt like it. It took me about 2 seconds to fall in love with my ex. The list seems endless.

I never really liked that about myself, I felt naive and vulnerable and everyone else seemed to notice it as well.

But now there’s this guy. He would save me a seat on every bus we’d ever get on, he drives me around whenever I ask him to and he keeps texting me, telling me that he just thought of me and wished I’d be with him right now. And god is he wholesome.

And god do I hate myself for not falling in love with him.

Why am I like this

Sometimes I open tumblr because I feel like writing. And then I sit and stare at the blank canvas that longs to be filled by my thoughts but I just...can’t. I can’t. And it makes me angry. I want to write something, I need to write something, but trying to pin down the words that are constantly circling around my head makes me realize that I don’t have a f*vking clue.

I don’t know

Anything

I’m lost in my own mind and the longer I stare at the letters in front of me the harder it gets to come back up and breathe fresh air.

I don’t know

Anything

At all

And I can’t help but hate the words that make it onto the pages because they are not what I want them to be and they make me believe things that aren’t there and

Damn

I really don’t know

Anything

At all

Or at least that’s what this post makes me believe.