“Every Time I Look At You, I Fall In Love All Over Again”

Addicted

I don’t know how we reached the point that your apartment feels like home

Your bed sheets smell like me

There are shirts specifically chosen for me to put on at night when I’m coming over

Your fridge stores my favorite foods

Your shower gel is the one I once left there

I’m laying in your bed right now,

You’re at work already, your alarm always wakes me up first, but I rarely stay awake until you’re out the door

I feel at home here

You’re my home

But we don’t even consider each other dating

We’re just us

Complicated

But nevertheless addicted

Letting go

I am letting go

It feels like I’m burning alive and being frozen at the same time

Withdrawal

Sadness sitting in my bones

Memories flooding my brain

But I need to let go

No one should ever be able to hurt me like that and still get my love

Not anymore

I need to move on

Even though I can only think about the good times we had

and it is breaking me in ways I can’t seem to explain

I need to let you go

Because all you did to me

Would be enough to break ten peoples hearts

And still

You managed to do all that to a single one

My one

My still deeply in love one

Maybe we will meet again in another life and our souls will have learned enough to finally make it work

But for now

Please let me let you go

~ honestlywhatfor ~

Today was a beautiful day

Today was a beautiful day. The sun was shining and I listened to my favorite music all day long. My thoughts were light and positive and my face showed a constant little smile. I was happy. After being down for such a long time today felt like a dream. Ups and downs are normal, but once you’ve experienced a very long Low, every little Up will bring joy even though you may have felt like you’ll be stuck in the depth of your own mind forever. I’ll tell you that you can handle it. Believe me it’ll be worth it. Try fighting for every single Up your life might bring you.

Today was a beautiful day and I’m pretty sure more will follow.

Shine on

“I love looking at the night sky”

“You do? Weren’t you always scared of the dark?”

“I was- I mean I still am, but look how bright everything up there seems to be. Isn’t it amazing to know that most of these stars don’t even exist anymore, but their light still travels through space and brightens our nights? Something that’s long gone and still shows us its beauty.”

“That surely is wonderful.”

“I know, right?”

“But then what about the moon? It needs to be shown off by the sun, can’t even shine by itself and still - everyone is amazed by it. Isn’t that unfair?”

“Some grace needs help to blossom. I love the moon and everything about it. These nightly rays that light up the dark and then feeling them shine on me - that makes me feel magical.”

“You are magical.”

“Don’t you dare try to make this about me. It’s about the beauty of the universe.”

“But why? When I feel your eyes on me I feel magical, I feel like you help me blossom every single day and I for sure guarantee you that your beauty will forever shine on in this universe.”

“Don’t be silly, I ain’t got no shine. And it won’t be seen forever in no universe.”

“In my universe it will.”

We love each other

neither one of us wants to admit it, but

in the weirdest way possible

we love each other

~ honestlywhatfor ~

Missing Home

And again

I am surprised

about how much

a person

can feel like home

even though

they once

made coming home

the worst part about your day

~ excerpts of me moving on ~

Making it count

Last week I was at a classmates funeral. Everything about it seemed wrong. She just turned 18 three weeks ago, therefore being way too young to leave this world and as I stood at her open grave, looking down at the bright wooden coffin her dainty body was in, imagining her just sleeping inside, I felt like I’m living my life the wrong way.

In that moment everything seemed so important to me. Because standing there, watching her older sister break down in tears, filled my heart with so much fear of not only dying but losing people I love before I had the chance to tell them everything I wanted them to know and spending as much time together as possible.

In that moment I wanted to call both my parents and tell them I loved them.

I wanted to wrap my arms around every single one of my friends and thank them for the best memories ever.

I wanted to tell my favourite teachers how much they inspired me and helped to create a new version, a better one, of me throughout the past years.

I wanted to make sure my brother knew that he has always been my favourite person on this planet no matter how hard we had fought in the past.

I wanted to show up at this particular boy’s door and just kiss him and thank him for slowly putting back all the pieces of my broken heart another one had left me alone with.

I wanted to be fearless. To be brave enough to just do whatever I felt like. To stop caring about what others might think of me and do whatever my heart desired.

I wanted to make every single minute of my life count, because I realized how fast everything might fall apart.

RIP Leo,

forever loved.

It’s your birthday

I’ve feared this day for the past month

This night I woke up 8 times, thinking I forgot to tell you happy birthday as the first person on this special day like I always did, followed by a tight hug and a sweet kiss

Just to remember that you wouldn’t even answer the phone now if you’d see my name on the screen

And I’m hurt

Because I do wish you nothing but the happiest birthday ever, but I know I’m no longer part of it and I would ruin your day by saying hi

Happy birthday my love

May this year bring nothing but brightness to you

I still peak out the window whenever a car stops in front of our house

Hoping it’s you,

Knowing it’s not.

I’m still learning to get over you,

Because life has more in store for me than waiting for your apology.

~ excerpts of me moving on ~

Last Thursday

„I‘m lonely, you know.“ I slowly sank back into the grass and looked up into the sky, filled with stars shining down at us. - „I don’t see the problem, honey. Just go up to him and tell him how you feel. To be honest I‘ve experienced that I’ve never really noticed someone in that way until they came up to me and I realized that they’d be a perfect match.” - “But you’re different, people wanna be noticed by you.” - “Honey, you’re worth so much more than you think. I swear this guy over there is the luckiest man alive, and the only problem is-“ - “The only problem is that he doesn’t know yet.”