Making It Count
Making it count
Last week I was at a classmates funeral. Everything about it seemed wrong. She just turned 18 three weeks ago, therefore being way too young to leave this world and as I stood at her open grave, looking down at the bright wooden coffin her dainty body was in, imagining her just sleeping inside, I felt like I’m living my life the wrong way.
In that moment everything seemed so important to me. Because standing there, watching her older sister break down in tears, filled my heart with so much fear of not only dying but losing people I love before I had the chance to tell them everything I wanted them to know and spending as much time together as possible.
In that moment I wanted to call both my parents and tell them I loved them.
I wanted to wrap my arms around every single one of my friends and thank them for the best memories ever.
I wanted to tell my favourite teachers how much they inspired me and helped to create a new version, a better one, of me throughout the past years.
I wanted to make sure my brother knew that he has always been my favourite person on this planet no matter how hard we had fought in the past.
I wanted to show up at this particular boy’s door and just kiss him and thank him for slowly putting back all the pieces of my broken heart another one had left me alone with.
I wanted to be fearless. To be brave enough to just do whatever I felt like. To stop caring about what others might think of me and do whatever my heart desired.
I wanted to make every single minute of my life count, because I realized how fast everything might fall apart.
RIP Leo,
forever loved.
More Posts from Honestlywhatfor and Others
Letting go
I am letting go
It feels like I’m burning alive and being frozen at the same time
Withdrawal
Sadness sitting in my bones
Memories flooding my brain
But I need to let go
No one should ever be able to hurt me like that and still get my love
Not anymore
I need to move on
Even though I can only think about the good times we had
and it is breaking me in ways I can’t seem to explain
I need to let you go
Because all you did to me
Would be enough to break ten peoples hearts
And still
You managed to do all that to a single one
My one
My still deeply in love one
Maybe we will meet again in another life and our souls will have learned enough to finally make it work
But for now
Please let me let you go
~ honestlywhatfor ~
Your love hurts
I don’t know what it is about you
That makes you sabotage it every single time
Ripping craters into earth
Opening gates to what might be called hell
Standing on the edge, balanced
Grabbing my hand
Jumping
Clamped together
I never wanted to fall
Life on the edge was great
But again and again
You need us to hurt
So here we are
Falling
and falling
and falling
and falling
~ honestlywhatfor ~
“Every time I look at you, I fall in love all over again”
It’s your birthday
I’ve feared this day for the past month
This night I woke up 8 times, thinking I forgot to tell you happy birthday as the first person on this special day like I always did, followed by a tight hug and a sweet kiss
Just to remember that you wouldn’t even answer the phone now if you’d see my name on the screen
And I’m hurt
Because I do wish you nothing but the happiest birthday ever, but I know I’m no longer part of it and I would ruin your day by saying hi
Happy birthday my love
May this year bring nothing but brightness to you
One minute in your arms can make me forget all my doubts.
A power I never wanted you to have.
~ honestlywhatfor ~
Why am I like this
Sometimes I open tumblr because I feel like writing. And then I sit and stare at the blank canvas that longs to be filled by my thoughts but I just...can’t. I can’t. And it makes me angry. I want to write something, I need to write something, but trying to pin down the words that are constantly circling around my head makes me realize that I don’t have a f*vking clue.
I don’t know
Anything
I’m lost in my own mind and the longer I stare at the letters in front of me the harder it gets to come back up and breathe fresh air.
I don’t know
Anything
At all
And I can’t help but hate the words that make it onto the pages because they are not what I want them to be and they make me believe things that aren’t there and
Damn
I really don’t know
Anything
At all
Or at least that’s what this post makes me believe.
Last Thursday
„I‘m lonely, you know.“ I slowly sank back into the grass and looked up into the sky, filled with stars shining down at us. - „I don’t see the problem, honey. Just go up to him and tell him how you feel. To be honest I‘ve experienced that I’ve never really noticed someone in that way until they came up to me and I realized that they’d be a perfect match.” - “But you’re different, people wanna be noticed by you.” - “Honey, you’re worth so much more than you think. I swear this guy over there is the luckiest man alive, and the only problem is-“ - “The only problem is that he doesn’t know yet.”
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