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Self Destruction - Blog Posts
it's selfish,
I know it is.
I apologized for it,
which I know means nothing.
yet I still pressed send,
for me not for you.
and I tell you that,
in typed out abbreviated words.
'so sorry chat',
like it fixes my cruelty.
I could've left well enough alone,
but who am I kidding.
my friends wonder why people vape,
when they know it's bad for them.
well why do they procrastinate writing essays?
why do we stay up late on school nights?
why do I scratch and scrape at my scared skin?
why did I press send on that damn message?
it's selfish,
self harm its in the name.
I apologized for it,
which I know means nothing.
I am so fucking sorry,
for all the wrong reasons.
Why is it that every single person that I open up to ghosts me within 2 months. I'm too much for anyone to handle. I'm not even surprised anymore. It happens with every single new relationship and I barely even care anymore. I wish I could just become a total bitch so everyone would be too scared to get close. This just fuels my desire to get as bad as possible and give people a good reason to leave.
God. Damn. The feeling of smoking a cigarette after not having one for a few weeks is heavenly 😍😍
can y’all please please PLEASE ask me anonymous questionssss
i’m in school and i’m so boreddd
i’m just scared i’m gonna get t worded again
I DID IT!! DM IF YOU WANNA SEE
i love my man i would carve his name into me for him.
good god, how terrible of a person must i be?
how twisted, how sick, how depraved and pathetic must i be to be chasing, begging, dare i say even lusting after someone who’s entire line of communication, who’s entire relationship, stems from something specifically platonic.
he’s right. as unfortunate as it may be, he’s right. i’m nothing, nothing if not a loyal mutt. i bite any other hand that dares feed me, save for my master. the kind of mutt who you pick off the street, so loyal that you could push it down the stairs and it would simply trot back up and sit in front of you, protective and possessive.
it’s almost amusing, this illusion of choice i had. you’ve always been a part of my life. we’ve been friends forever. it would be impossible, or near impossible, to have not taken you up on your offer.
where is the line drawn, between my source memories/relations and yours.
what i wouldn’t give for you to feel the same deep-rooted infatuation, the same fuzzy, cloudy feelings, the same soft, gentle warmth.
i’m a sick, sick man, aren’t i.
sick for wanting the duality of life itself, sick for wanting you. sick for wanting you at your worst, the screaming and manipulation and threat. sick for wanting you at your best, even if your best is feral and violent and obsessive.
i will bow before your alter, for forever, if it means i get to be near you for forever.
i want him at the red crescent-moon-shaped indents that bubble up blood as i beg and plead and cry, and i want him at the soft, soothing, big brown eyes as we both gently whisper murmurings of forgiveness.
i am but a sick man.
he may be this..this manipulative, god-status-having figure. but i am nothing if not a willing devotee, offering up my heart, body, mind and soul.
Do you ever feel like a starving carnivore?
What do you mean?
Well, sometimes, very rarely mind you, but once in a blue moon I get into this mood where I like, feel like I wanna eat organs or some shit. Not a random person though, I'm not Jeffery Dahmer! It's like I wanna eat myself? Like I get a rage and my head gets filled with violent gore and screaming and I wanna tear flesh from bone like I'm a wild animal or a monster or something, but in a weird way at the same time I always wanna be torn apart myself, feel the pain, I desire it. I tend to eat gas station meats when I feel like that, viciously rip it with my teeth, sometimes I get cheetos or takis too and it's like I'm breaking through bones, and in a weird way, I'm not me anymore. I'm a monster tearing myself apart. I'm a ravenous creature feasting on fresh meat and chewing through bones and drinking in the viscous blood. I'm me and I'm the monster I run from, I'm the monster and the meat.
When it ends it helps, I feel better, I'm not mad anymore, the monster is fed and it can go back to it's cage for a long time before it inevitably begins to starve again.
I don't know how to get rid of the monster that desires so desperately sometimes to eat me and begs for a visceral mess of carnage. I don't think I could deny it forever no matter how hard I tried. I can delay it, I don't open that cage until I am home, but the monster won't let me rest if I don't feed it eventually, fake meat, fake blood, fake bones, for the imaginary monster. I don't know how to get rid of the desire to be torn apart by it.
Like I said, it doesn't happen often, and I never hurt anyone in reality, I don't even hurt anyone in my head, the monster eats me, I am the monster, I only eat myself. I don't know what that means though.
The best way I can describe it is feeling like a starving carnivore.