Thinking About A Future Without You Used To Fill Me With Feelings Of Dissatisfaction.

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Amazing. Nothing unusual there.

So can we talk about the absolutely stunning duplicity going on here?

Laughter feels good for about 3 seconds.

Then melancholy quickly plummets into despair and longing.

Must ignore

Must push back

d o n t t h i n k a b o u t i t

Today is harder than any day I ever thought I'd bare;

It's even harder cause I'm surrounded by people who do not care.

They may care about me and the pain that runs through,

But they are perfectly incapable of actually missing you.

I feel that you're still out there though it does feel far away;

How am I supposed to accept that you have gone a different way?

I've loved and fought for so long I don't know how to stop,

And it's even fucking harder to finally give up.

I worshipped you, I prayed for you, I fell down to my knees

Hopin' and prayin' for a life we fought to see;

But now you've taken your own life and brought it to an end;

I thought that at the very least I'd find a way to call you friend.

I thought I had accepted that our love just couldn't be,

But what I failed to realize was how strong you were still holding on to me.

I was holding onto hope for us harder than any drug I've had,

Even though I knew that any ending would only turn out bad.

But this was not an end that I'd ever thought I'd see,

Now you're gone and taken every single piece of me.

This was us...

This is exactly how I remember it.

A family vacation coming up

The day before we leave

She was super excited about it just yesterday,

But I noticed she seemed a little sad.

Today its just...distant.

Quiet...short responses...but most of all

The feeling 8n the air itself that terrible things are about to happen.

It's easier now, to see that it is probably my ptsd...

But it does confirm that there is ptsd to work through, and that makes me sad.

Because I'm fidgeting just hoping and praying and doing everything in my power to be kind and thoughtful and PERFECT

Because I trained myself for years to avoid the outburst I could never keep from coming.

I'm the protagonist and let me tell you it ISN'T A GOOD THING

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isn't it insane though how schizophrenic people are viewed as violent and dangerous by the majority of society when in reality schizophrenic people are nearly 14 times more likely to be on the receiving end of violence than to be the perpetrators...

The nature of our relationship was not one born of lust or desire. It was irrational, illogical, and instinctual.

Ours is a connection, a magnetism, two polarized forces turned to attract the other. It is an orbit born of gravity and inertia, a centripetal force between us two constantly keeping our centers inseparable.

I felt you in my chest, beneath my sternum, and in my gut, between the hollow of my ribs. I feel the place where our souls used to dance like a giant's fist has ripped out my insides.

I want to scream, and everytime silence finds me, crawls inside me all I hear is my broken voice screaming your name until my lungs ache and my throat bleeds and my blood drips from the corners of my mouth and all I taste is salt.

I have lost the desire to numb myself because I know there is nothing that will numb me. Anything I do will crank my ribs open and lay everything I no longer have bare for anyone to see. It is a dark bloody husk inside my chest with shriveled lungs and a bruised heart that kept beating for you and believed in your promises and aspirations.

My grief is unmatchable, it refused to grow and move, I remain stuck now as I have for the past two munths; in firm denial.

Our connection is irrational, illogical...

And now so am I.