Curate, connect, and discover
Thinking about a future without you used to fill me with feelings of dissatisfaction.
Now, with no other options, it fills me with grief. A dread so deep, you almost don't want to.
I really don't want to...
Envisioning a future, a happy future, without you is more difficult for me than imagining I am a dragon or a shrimp. It feels empty and fake; a blank page covered in brand-name stamps.
The nature of our relationship was not one born of lust or desire. It was irrational, illogical, and instinctual.
Ours is a connection, a magnetism, two polarized forces turned to attract the other. It is an orbit born of gravity and inertia, a centripetal force between us two constantly keeping our centers inseparable.
I felt you in my chest, beneath my sternum, and in my gut, between the hollow of my ribs. I feel the place where our souls used to dance like a giant's fist has ripped out my insides.
I want to scream, and everytime silence finds me, crawls inside me all I hear is my broken voice screaming your name until my lungs ache and my throat bleeds and my blood drips from the corners of my mouth and all I taste is salt.
I have lost the desire to numb myself because I know there is nothing that will numb me. Anything I do will crank my ribs open and lay everything I no longer have bare for anyone to see. It is a dark bloody husk inside my chest with shriveled lungs and a bruised heart that kept beating for you and believed in your promises and aspirations.
My grief is unmatchable, it refused to grow and move, I remain stuck now as I have for the past two munths; in firm denial.
Our connection is irrational, illogical...
And now so am I.
Today is hard and horrible; my wounds gaping and sore. Every moment brings another knife of memory from before.
Anger pulses through me followed by crippling sadness. I feel nothing but my own craving for madness.
I'd give anything, everything, just to go back; just to wake up hung over after New Years again.
I would do so much different, and so much the same, but in the end my only goal would be to save you.
You: passionate, loyal, brave and kind. Cursed and playful with a magnificent mind.
It's almost been two months and I still cannot see how there is any possibility that you gave up on me.
I’m not crying... I just got something in my.... Oh man this freaking sad and beautiful and sad and heartbreaking and sad.
I’ll write a fic of this someday... but first.
*Starts to cry*
how do you think Lightning will react about if Sally dies suddenly ? I'm feeling a little down right now
Oh…. oh. Wow. Okay.
Well I hope you feel better soon, anon. I don’t know if this will help or make it worse, but I hope somehow it helps you out.
Everyone thought he took Doc’s death hard. That was nothing compared to this. When they heard the news, he started screaming and swearing, completely turning into someone else the townsfolk had never seen.
He just leaves town without saying a word. He can’t take seeing it without her. She was the one who really made him appreciate it to begin with.
No one sees him for three or four days, no one knows where he went. Turns out, he drove up into the mountains and just sat in isolation while he mourned her. He couldn’t bear being around anyone.
He makes it back for the funeral, but doesn’t speak. Everyone is trying to provide what comfort they can, but it’s like talking to a brick wall. She was his life. Nothing, not even his racing career, was as significant as her.
Afterwards, he spends a lot of time at her grave. They buried her near Doc. He tries to talk to her to ease his conscience, but he can’t say anything without breaking back into into sobs.
He tries to find someone to blame for his pain, but can’t. He can’t control his thoughts and goes back and forth between being vehemently angry and unbearably anguished.
He’s torn between leaving Radiator Springs for good and staying. It all reminds him of her, and it’s painful. But at the same time he knows she’d want him to take care of it now that both she and Doc were gone.
He never goes to visit Wheel Well again. He can’t even look at it. He still supports and manages the operation, but he’ll never go back. He makes a point not to look at it if he has to drive by it. That was sacred ground for them as a couple. It’ll never be the same.
He treats the Cozy Cone motel similarly, although he still stays there. He hires on an old friend to keep it running so he doesn’t have to do it himself. Going into the office was hard to take. All the decor was still as she’d left it.
A couple weeks later, Mater finally gets him to talk. He doesn’t respond much, but it’s an improvement. Mater doesn’t push him, but he does say something that strikes a chord with Lightning. “Forgetting her won’t make it [the pain] go away.”
Lightning was given similar advice when Doc died, and he knew that he needed to honor her in a similar manner. He decided that he wasn’t going to leave town. That town was her everything, and if that’s all he had left of her besides memories, he was going to do whatever he could to support it.
Later on, he tries to focus more on racing, but it’s not quite the same. He still does well, but he finds himself pushing himself to the limits a lot more and thinking a lot less. It’s not a good strategy, and his eager spirit is just gone. He misses seeing her there in the pits waiting for him.
It takes several months for things to return to any degree of normality. The town is still much quieter, as Sally’s bubbly, optimistic personality isn’t there to supplement it anymore, but everyone at least functions again.
Lightning eventually remembers how to enjoy himself and have fun again. He spends more time with the other members of the town and even with his racing buddies. He’s gotten to a point where he can think about her and not feel overwhelmed by her absence. There’s still a void in his soul, but it’s one he intends to keep, in memory of her.
Event: Angstpril 2025, hosted by: @chaos-company
Prompt: Day 1: Forgotten
Fandom: 9-1-1
Ship/Romantic Attachment: Eddie Diaz/Evan "Buck" Buckley | Buddie
Rating: T
A little back posting because I definitely only found this event today \(^.^)/
To the world it was supposed to be a beautiful, cloudy Tuesday morning. To Eddie and Christopher, it was something completely different. The atmosphere felt heavy, and like gravity was pushing down on their lungs. Christopher had lost something, and it was so tangible that Eddie felt the melancholy of the moment.
They had both lost something, and Eddie, for the life of him, couldn't remember anything that he used to find comfort in. The way that Buck’s smile would crinkle in the corners of his eyes, and how light his laugh sounded. Most of the time it could be mistaken for a chorus flying on the wings of the Southeastern wind.
No matter how many people told him it was the wrong choice, he hadn’t left El Paso. He never went back to Los Angeles to rejoin the 118 firehouse. Now, it was too late, and everyone moved on. Everyone. Including.
Baby blue eyes that could smash any wall that Eddie had ever dreamed to build around his heart. But ten years later.
Ten years later, he was starting to lose touch.
Those crows feet around Buck’s eyes were softening out into a bleary view. His voice starting to fade into ether where Eddie knew he couldn’t follow. Some days Eddie had to pinch himself to remember that his name was Evan Buckley, not just the frat boy nickname he picked to be called. And Christopher. He knew that something was wrong.
They had moved during such a turbulent time that Eddie knew that Chris felt the empty space that’s only coincidentally Buck-shaped. A good parent, would make sure Buck doesn’t stay forgotten in his son’s mind—or a figment of his imagination. A heartbroken man, however, will continue to live in the fantasy his son created where they never lost their other half.
It was too late to call. Or, to try and re-forge the bonds he already threw away.
He put his phone down, and tried to close his eyes. It’s better to just sleep away the pain before he could drown in it.
NOT GOOD ENOUGH NOT GOOD ENOUGH NOT GOOD ENOUGH NOT GOOD ENOUGH NOT GOOD ENOUGH NOT GOOD ENOUGH NOT GOOD ENOUGH NOT GOOD ENOUGH NOT STRONG ENOUGH NOT STRONG ENOUGH NOT STRONG ENOUGH NOT STRONG ENOUGH NOT STRONG ENOUG NOT STRONG ENOUGH NOT STRONG ENOUGH NOT STRONG ENOUGH NOT STRONG ENOUGH NOT STRONG ENOUGH NOT STRONG ENOUGH ...............................RAGE
The hope, that you may never read these words.
The fear, that you may never read these words.
You are my most painful past that i don't want to change.
- Um sentimento que nunca imaginei sentir, é aquele de viver uma década de amor, e agora não somos nada mais do que conhecidos um na vida do outro…
“ e no final quem mais dizia“Eu te amo” foi quem menos amou, e quem mais se “silenciou” foi quem se mostrou quem mais amava…”
“Mesmo depois de tudo, quem mais disse amar, hoje se diz estar feliz com a escolha de um término, e quem menos pronunciou um “Eu te amo” é o que mais sofreu com a sua perda e sua ausência…”
“ você era tudo que eu queria e então, eu nunca mais te vi, seja lá onde quer que você esteja, eu posso dizer que ninguém mais poderia te dar o amor que compartilhamos, eu sei que não esquecerei o amor que tivemos”