Walking My Turtle

i just wish my brain was the same as everyone else's i feel like i have to work thrice as hard to be a normal person who does normal things

Born to write silly little romance books, forced to be a psych major

"everything i've ever let go of has claw marks on it" is so real because yeah i'll be the best if you let me but try to take it away from me and i'll claw my way up until my fingers bleed and even then i'll keep clawing and clawing and clawing because i don't know how else to be. i'll carry your remains under my fingernails if that's the only way i can have you. how do i be nonchalant when someone is leaving me behind, how do i accept that betrayal?

new year, consistently corrosive me

favorite thing to do is steal other peoples creative decorations and pretend like i thought of that like i saw a computer decorated w stickers and i decided im gonna copy exactly that and pretend i thought of it

loneliness is not a disease it is a medicine to be alone with your thoughts and release the crinkled eyebrows you've been holding in all day and it feels upsetting to not have the presence of another person but then you are aware of your own soul overtaking the room and filling you up with your warmth and suddenly you are burning like a blue flame because you forgot the kind person you are and everything is okay in the world for the moment you are able to sip some water and curl in your bed and its lonely but its your comfort

i think its hard for me to be alone. my english professor told us today that all relationships we are in and lose are failures and you lose and lose and lose until you find a person and you're with them forever. it made me realize that i want to find a girl that fits into my edges and cracks and fills me with soil and cement and stitches me up like im a used dog toy. i want a girl to hold my head in her arms and kiss my forehead as i tell her my nightmare. i want a girl to lay down beside me under the stars on a picnic blanket and tell me about her biggest dream as i fear for frogs. i want her to show me when a butterfly lands on her nose, or call my name to kiss me in the bath. i want a girl who holds me close when she sleeps, and i want to fall asleep listening to her heartbeat until i have it memorized and i'm so convinced it beats in tandem with mine. thats why its hard for me to be alone. i have all these dreams of a mystery girl that i want to give my love to, a love all mine that we can share, i have so much to give and so much to love, and i want to devote it to her. i just want her already

thinking about this

my girl ghosted me. hope i die