Chuuya: Okay, Listen... We Just Gotta Stop Hanging Out With Geniuses Because You're Gonna Figure Out

Dazai: Now I'll arrange our security.

Atsushi: Why?

Dazai: The mission is dangerous and we're hot. The enemy will want us for our info and our boddies.

Atsushi: Our info maybe...

Dazai: Speak for yourself kitten...

Dazai: Now I'm calling the only man who can fuck me.

Atsushi: What???😨

Dazai, calling Chuuya: I mean, who can protect me...us...

Atsushi: Ugh. 🤦‍♂️

Chuuya, picking up: What now?

Dazai: Well hello my big dick chibi.

Chuuya: What

Atsushi: the

Chuuya: fuck

Atsushi: Dazai!

Dazai: Language everyone!

Chuuya: If we were together every day, all day, if we slept together, if we woke up together and if we ate together what would we be?

Dazai: A master and his dog?

Chuuya:

Chuuya: NO.

Dazai: I need a top.

Ranpo: Chuuya is in the pm, but Atsushi can go get him for you.

Dazai, blushing: I meant for this food container!

Yosano: Ok, bottom...

Dazai: Yosano, please.

Yosano: ...drawer.

Atsushi: So is this thing between Dazai and Chuuya supposed to be a secret?

Akutagawa: Hardly, the only people who don’t know are Dazai and Chuuya.

*married soukoku au*

Chuuya: I dont understand. I thought we were on the same page about kids. We talked about this.

Dazai: We did?

*flashback*

Chuuya: Aw, look at these pictures of Q and Elise.

Chuuya: *shows photos of the kids in a water park*

Dazai: Mm.

Chuuya: We should do this someday. What do you think?

Dazai: Are you kidding me? Of course!

*end of flashback*

Dazai: I was talking about going to the water park! You were talking about having kids???

Chuuya: Yeah! I said, "Do you think we can afford it?" and you said, "We'll start saving right away."

Dazai: So you mean, all that water park money I've been saving, you want to spend it on kids now?

Dazai: Please don't tell anyone but I think I'm a little bit in love with Chuuya.

Atsushi, who genuinely believed the two of them had been married for the past 7 years: ???

Atsushi: Oh.

Chuuya: I find that I adore a person pleasantly more if they can speak a second language, especially French.

Dazai: Ma ciao!

Chuuya:

Dazai: We both look very handsome tonight!

Chuuya: You know, if you'd just said that I looked handsome, I would have said "so do you."

Dazai: No you wouldn't.

Chuuya:

Chuuya: Yeah, you're right.

Kunikida: Ranpo have you seen Dazai?

Ranpo, clearly lying: Um, no. That idiot's probably off working his dumb plan.

Ranpo, who also helps Dazai with his plan: He's so stupid.

Kunikida:

Ranpo: You know, the only reason the president hasn't fired him is that we're worried that he'll kill himself.

Ranpo: *leaves*

Kunikida, internally: Yep. They're up to something together.

Dazai: When you see him, please don’t freak out ok?

Kunikida: I’m not going to freak out. Who ever you’re dating I’ll always be accepting of them. Even if they were working in the port mafia...

Dazai: Alright, you can come in!

*Chuuya walks in*

Kunikida: Mr. Nakahara, please get out of the way. I’m trying to see who is Dazai dating!