15.12.2024 , Sunday

Day 3/271 days until finishing my A-level resit

Pretty chill day today, met up with some friends tonight and was totally fascinated by some flowers they had in their living room :D

Did some essay plans for the evaluation of the cognitive perspective

Edited a 15 mark essay for my tutor next week

FINALLY finished off my Observational Methods Research essay!

I’m looking at trying some more study resources/methods. I’m currently using Quizlet and Notion a lot but I’d love some recommendations of other interesting resources!

Snack of the day ~ left over mac and cheese

Unloved

As I sit in my room with

books scattered in front of me

My blankets bundled up because I don't bother to fold them

i wonder

What is so inherently unlovable about me

I'm just 17

nobody stays forever ,I know that

but with the fast moving lives everyone from my generation around me is living

I fail

I fail to make my parents proud

I fail to make my friends be there for me whenever I actually need them

heck , I fail to even get a boyfriend

I don't have one

never had one

every boy I have ever talked to has at one point just given up

they do call me beautiful

they do say they like me

but like everything and everyone around me they don't want anything "more" from me

with nothing in my hands

I often believe not even my parents love me

but maybe that's an exaggeration yk

they do stay unlike everyone else who just walks away

But

They don't help either

They do love me I know

They do support me I know

But it's just a rarity for us to just sit and talk

without fights

without my self esteem down the drain

I can't remember the last time I sat with my dad and discussed the latest Bollywood movies

I can't remember the last time I gossiped with my mom about our relatives

it's so funny that even for a family of three lovi under the same roof

we have managed to distance ourselves

so

If even the people i live with don't stay with me

who will?

and As I lay on my bed with

books scattered in front of me

My blankets covering up my face because I fear someone will see the tears swelled up

i wonder

What is so inherently unlovable about me

and i drift off to sleep

hoping to find the answers in my dream

FINALLY GOT EM AFTER A WEEK OF SEARCHING!!! 😭😭

I WANT HARRY POTTER KINDERJOY

Closure.

[looking back at a diary entry]

It's 31st May , 2024 , 6 am in the morning

I didn't sleep at all I stayed up doing random things, but all of it ended with me praying

well , for someone as pathetic as i

there could me many things to pray for ;

a better life , health , my parents to (finally) love me , good grades , any improvement of any sort infact

But at the end of a day and the start of another

I find myself praying for him

for how I wish I could hug him goodbye

how I wish I could meet him for one last time

how I wish I could look into his eyes one last time

how I wish I could hear him laugh one last time

How I wish I could see him smile one last time

and oh how I wish to just lay my eyes on him one last time

to just rest my eyes on him and memorize every little detail

the way his almond eyes are a little widespread

the way his nose scrunches as a reflex everytime he's in sun

the his smile is slightly titled towards left

the way his lips just stay in the same position when he laughs

the way his eyes catch the first hint of emotion that eventually creeps across his face

the way he raises his eyebrows subconsciously

the way he touches his nose everytime he is thinking

the way he shifts his head to one side whenever he stands

the way his teeth are bent forwards at a 10° angle

he is a beautiful boy

I probably don't even remember what he looks like exactly

I would just love to admire him one last time

I was not sure whether i should use past or present tense when I talk of his face

I am sure he changed

He probably looks prettier now

only to make me hate myself more

I often wonder if he is completely oblivious to my feelings

is he completely unaware of how much I want to hug him

not to feel anything but just a warm embrace

by him

by the first boy I fell in love with when I was just a kid

the first boy whose name I wrote at the back of my diary to find "flames" of lol

Embracing him would be like embracing my entire childhood

my ages through puberty

my acne phase

my bob-hair-tomboy-anjali phase

my boyband phase

my bangs phase

my theater phase

my artist phase

my jee phase

through it all he was there

not physically but somewhere in my heart

Just there

like an asshole really

somewhere he shouldn't be

but just with his legs on the table with shoes still on , a ciggerate in one hand and my diary in other

he owns it

he knows the command he has over me even if he isn't there

is that what romanticizing someone out of bounds feels like?

someone who isn't yours, was never yours ,will never be yours

but you know that the world is a game of gamble

and even a chance as small as a spec of sand is still a chance

and you hold onto that chance so dearly that everything you think about is consumed by that tiny possibility against the innumerable odds

yet you fight the world and it's rules just to think of yourself as his and his as yours

irrationally , erratically, irresistibly

I fantasize sometimes that maybe if i hugged him good bye

maybe then he would take his shoes off the table and leave

maybe that hug could do what almost 10 years of life couldn't

I fantasize sometimes that maybe if i had a huge fight with him and told him to get out

maybe then he would flip me off and leave

maybe that fight could do what almost 10 years of life couldn't

but that hug and that fight are the spec of sand

against the odds that I might never see him in this lifetime

and if I do I am sure that I would turn into that little girl again who understood what being vulnerable meant at an alarmingly young age

I wish I could just lie in his arms and cry

cry about how much I miss him

about how much I wish he was mine

about how much I hate him

about how difficult it has been to hate him

and about how I would go to the moon and back just to see him break into a titled smile

I was literally ready to fight anything and anyone to protect him

and I did

until i realised that he doesn't want my protection

until I realise how foolish it was to go to battles for someone who doesn't even want you to

; not because they care about you getting hurt

but because they wouldn't care at all even if you died

maybe he was blind and didn't see me

Or maybe he saw me and used my help and just left like that

I truly don't know which one is worse

I hate how much space he consumes of my thoughts

I hate how everything reminds me of him

his song pops up in my recommendations

everytime I open my eyes I see his favourite colour

when I open my phone and there are messages from him

when I open my phone and there are no messages from him

i hate how much I love him

when I don't cross his mind at all

I need to find my way back

Last one standing

Unique ; is it the new normal?

I was 4 when I first heard the adjective

I was 10 when I heard it being used for me

I was joyous and blushed timidly in glee

I thought of myself as distinctive as the snow that falls on December 1st

I thought of myself as the honey dew that quenches the oak's thirst

i thought of myself as sole as the titanic beneath the sea

I thought of myself as second to noone ; there's only and only me

But as I grew up

I stepped down

I lurched around

I stumbled upon an abundance

Of personalities that strike resemblance

to me , and me to others

"Was it all just a farce?"

Was I not as unparalleled as the striking beauty of marble under moon?

was I not as novel as the trooping of hues paraded across june?

was I not as isolated in this world as i thought I would be?

I wanted to be second to noone; the world to have only and only me

But as I walk through my life I find a piece of myself in everyone I see

some beautiful some horrific

and some beautifully horrific

some prude , some so kind

some weak and some with a sharp mind

some eccentric, some basic

some with witts and some ritz

some ambitious, some unsure

and some who couldn't take it anymore

but one piece that I'd find in them all

t'was their wish to be the last one to fall

that one piece encapsulating everything-myself

a bit of me that made them me

a bit of me that made me myself

no matter who's in the right and who's wrong

no matter whose weapon is feeble and whose strong

no matter who started first

no matter who said more

I'll always have the last laugh

I'll always reach the shore

so I am second to noone

there will only and only be me

because I'll be the last one standing

no matter what the scene

thankyouuuuu 🩷🩷🫂🫂

22.12.2024 , Sunday

my physics exam didn't go well at all , actually yesterday sucked , the teachers didn't let us leave after our exams and we had to wait a long time, there were other things as well, just a bad day

Well tomorrow is my English exam!! I'm usually very excited for english because it's a relatively easy subject and actually quite interesting

It's just very..very lengthy.. literally.. I'm usually writing until the last second and my hands are cramping

I hope I'm able to manage the time well :))

I have gone over the writing format and I have to read a few chapters

Here's all that I need to do

the rattrap - selma lagerlöf

The interview - Christopher Silvester and Umberto Eco

Indigo - Louis Fischer

Poets and pancakes - asokamittran

Memories of childhood - zitkala-sa , bama

Tiger king - kalki

Journey to the end of the earth - tishani doshi

Aunt Jennifer's tigers - Adrienne rich

whew , I hope tomorrow doesn't suck , I'm able to finish all the questions and they let me leave after the exam!!!!!

Wish me luck!! (pray for me y'all) 🩷🩷🐝

65/100 days of productivity

a recap of my summer!! i managed to get a lot of research/writing done, and even started working on a journal paper as well! I'm definitely not a summer person, but I somehow managed to survive the heatwave - I'm so ready for the well-deserved vacation starting tomorrow :)

listening to: sixtones lost city

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