[looking Back At A Diary Entry]
Closure.
[looking back at a diary entry]
It's 31st May , 2024 , 6 am in the morning
I didn't sleep at all I stayed up doing random things, but all of it ended with me praying
well , for someone as pathetic as i
there could me many things to pray for ;
a better life , health , my parents to (finally) love me , good grades , any improvement of any sort infact
But at the end of a day and the start of another
I find myself praying for him
for how I wish I could hug him goodbye
how I wish I could meet him for one last time
how I wish I could look into his eyes one last time
how I wish I could hear him laugh one last time
How I wish I could see him smile one last time
and oh how I wish to just lay my eyes on him one last time
to just rest my eyes on him and memorize every little detail
the way his almond eyes are a little widespread
the way his nose scrunches as a reflex everytime he's in sun
the his smile is slightly titled towards left
the way his lips just stay in the same position when he laughs
the way his eyes catch the first hint of emotion that eventually creeps across his face
the way he raises his eyebrows subconsciously
the way he touches his nose everytime he is thinking
the way he shifts his head to one side whenever he stands
the way his teeth are bent forwards at a 10° angle
he is a beautiful boy
I probably don't even remember what he looks like exactly
I would just love to admire him one last time
I was not sure whether i should use past or present tense when I talk of his face
I am sure he changed
He probably looks prettier now
only to make me hate myself more
I often wonder if he is completely oblivious to my feelings
is he completely unaware of how much I want to hug him
not to feel anything but just a warm embrace
by him
by the first boy I fell in love with when I was just a kid
the first boy whose name I wrote at the back of my diary to find "flames" of lol
Embracing him would be like embracing my entire childhood
my ages through puberty
my acne phase
my bob-hair-tomboy-anjali phase
my boyband phase
my bangs phase
my theater phase
my artist phase
my jee phase
through it all he was there
not physically but somewhere in my heart
Just there
like an asshole really
somewhere he shouldn't be
but just with his legs on the table with shoes still on , a ciggerate in one hand and my diary in other
he owns it
he knows the command he has over me even if he isn't there
is that what romanticizing someone out of bounds feels like?
someone who isn't yours, was never yours ,will never be yours
but you know that the world is a game of gamble
and even a chance as small as a spec of sand is still a chance
and you hold onto that chance so dearly that everything you think about is consumed by that tiny possibility against the innumerable odds
yet you fight the world and it's rules just to think of yourself as his and his as yours
irrationally , erratically, irresistibly
I fantasize sometimes that maybe if i hugged him good bye
maybe then he would take his shoes off the table and leave
maybe that hug could do what almost 10 years of life couldn't
I fantasize sometimes that maybe if i had a huge fight with him and told him to get out
maybe then he would flip me off and leave
maybe that fight could do what almost 10 years of life couldn't
but that hug and that fight are the spec of sand
against the odds that I might never see him in this lifetime
and if I do I am sure that I would turn into that little girl again who understood what being vulnerable meant at an alarmingly young age
I wish I could just lie in his arms and cry
cry about how much I miss him
about how much I wish he was mine
about how much I hate him
about how difficult it has been to hate him
and about how I would go to the moon and back just to see him break into a titled smile
I was literally ready to fight anything and anyone to protect him
and I did
until i realised that he doesn't want my protection
until I realise how foolish it was to go to battles for someone who doesn't even want you to
; not because they care about you getting hurt
but because they wouldn't care at all even if you died
maybe he was blind and didn't see me
Or maybe he saw me and used my help and just left like that
I truly don't know which one is worse
I hate how much space he consumes of my thoughts
I hate how everything reminds me of him
his song pops up in my recommendations
everytime I open my eyes I see his favourite colour
when I open my phone and there are messages from him
when I open my phone and there are no messages from him
i hate how much I love him
when I don't cross his mind at all
More Posts from Parihere and Others
Letters from Juliet (I)
We're astrologers aren't we jack?
Predicted it all long before our story was anywhere near to "near the end".
Why does it hurt then?
Back in July ,
I remember.
summer skies,
cherry lies.
You and me.
My endless stories.
Your pointless jokes.
loud laughs turned to silent cries,
for how long should one try?
My feet are calloused
My hands are sweaty
And I promise, i can do with all
but my heart.
It's tired.
It has been crushed before
And it can't take it no more
The world has its daggers at me
I crave warmth,
you gave it to me.
held me.
rocked me back and forth.
I loved you,
You loved me.
this was never a love story.
All the predictions we had
"How will it end?"
none ended with us together.
We are not each other's first
And we'll certainly not be last.
But I had faith,
In heaven.
In God.
You didn't.
so god saved you.
-Agrima Nath
17.12.2024, Tuesday
I have my physical education exam tomorrow, and cause it's pre boards i actually need to get my shit together.
I'm talking to my friends a lot these days so I get a good dose of serotonin <3
speaking of serotonin, i still need to finish biomechanics lol , here's everything I still need to do
training in sports chapter
biomechanics
psychology and sports
physiology and injuries in sports
test and measurement in sports
revise all the yoga poses (ik it's insane)
solve 2-3 sample papers
I'll go to sleep 3am anyhow , gotta have my brain functional
wish me luck!!!!!!! (Pray for me folks)
15.12.2024 , sunday
I have my pre boards from 18th and I'm just cramming up all year's syllabus right now...whew
gotta finish entire physics tonight so that I can do maths tomorrow, I'm gonna be more active over here cuz i am in desperate need of inspo
prolly gonna stay up till 4:30 or 5 am
no way out , gotta lock in 🗣️
to be done -
electric charges & field
electrostatics
current electricity
moving charges
magnetism
emi
AC
if I'll be able to finish this by 5 somehow then I'll also complete electromagnetic waves
Letters from Juliet (II)
All the faith I put upon our names
"Jack and Juliet"
I hear it all the time
I hear angels sing
I see Eden's rosemary bloom
They just fit perfectly with eachother.
But did we?
watching it shatter
As if I didn't know it would.
Everybody looks at me in awe
and my heart aches for your glances
It's saddening.
It's maddening
Too less , after all the nights we spent wrapped around each other's fingers
Our hearts beating together
Our souls touching eachother
"Noone understands me better" You said.
I smiled and told you "I like butterflies"
I like you too.
i fixed your place.
between my coffee and sleep
Between dusk and dawn
Between mortal and immortal
between the gods and devils
Was I really meant to be just one of the chapters in your book?
Was Our story only meant to be till here?
Was this how it was supposed to end?
It's funny.
It's hilarious.
I wish for you.
30 years from now ,
just have a hand on heart and
open the lock on our memories once and look at it ,
with a smile
with a frown
with a tear?
If i was destined to be your distant memory then I hope I gave you good ones
Do call me if you remember my name.
Do come over if you have my address.
If I slip away to hell in my sleep someday
just like we talked about , chuckling
Do you promise to bring lilac prints and lilies to my grave?
Which will probably be lost amongst all your other juliets.
But I promise to tell Satan all about you.
only you.
- Agrima Nath
I am going to eat grapes at midnight, if this doesn't magically fixes my entire life then what's the point???
when you let go of people you are painfully seeking approval or love from, you return to yourself. you return to what feels truer to you and to what brings you happiness. you are reminded that life does not always have to feel bad, that you do not always have to feel like you aren’t enough, that what you want for yourself and your future goes beyond a single person’s regard of you. you notice the energy start to shift and flow more fluidly. pay attention to all of this.
02:40 AM
I have my physical education theory paper this morning (fml) never thought I would have to memorize yoga poses (fml again)
pulling an all nighter rn
3/6 chapters done , 3 more to go
I guess I'll stay up for an hour or two more take one hour nap and go for it (I'm not proud of myself ik)
mid-term week ; let's see if I finish mid-term or mid-term finishes me
30.12.2024 // free dayy
I went to the mall with my bestfriend yesterday, it was soo fun we even went to the book store in there :))
I picked up Matthew Perry's autobiography - Friends, Lovers and the Big Terrible Thing
and I was flushed with a wave of nostalgia, sadness and overwhelming love for that man.
Even though I was born three years after friends ended , I still grew up on it and chandler was the one I related to the most ,Infact he was my friend's favourite character and we would talk about chandler a lot or repeat his jokes and that made him even more special to me.
It really feels like we are reading his personal diary as it takes us through his life. There are several pictures in there as well and one of them is of him as a teenager surrounded with a bunch of kids and the caption is -
"I have always been great with kids. Man,I wish I had one of my own"
this just..stayed with me and I think it will stay with me for a while, I miss him. I hope he's in a better place. <3
jimin riding the struggle bus all over connecticut feat. jungkook sometimes helping and sometimes not helping
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I'm just a girl...standing in front of tumblr asking for some attention
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