Letters From Juliet (II)

Closure.

[looking back at a diary entry]

It's 31st May , 2024 , 6 am in the morning

I didn't sleep at all I stayed up doing random things, but all of it ended with me praying

well , for someone as pathetic as i

there could me many things to pray for ;

a better life , health , my parents to (finally) love me , good grades , any improvement of any sort infact

But at the end of a day and the start of another

I find myself praying for him

for how I wish I could hug him goodbye

how I wish I could meet him for one last time

how I wish I could look into his eyes one last time

how I wish I could hear him laugh one last time

How I wish I could see him smile one last time

and oh how I wish to just lay my eyes on him one last time

to just rest my eyes on him and memorize every little detail

the way his almond eyes are a little widespread

the way his nose scrunches as a reflex everytime he's in sun

the his smile is slightly titled towards left

the way his lips just stay in the same position when he laughs

the way his eyes catch the first hint of emotion that eventually creeps across his face

the way he raises his eyebrows subconsciously

the way he touches his nose everytime he is thinking

the way he shifts his head to one side whenever he stands

the way his teeth are bent forwards at a 10° angle

he is a beautiful boy

I probably don't even remember what he looks like exactly

I would just love to admire him one last time

I was not sure whether i should use past or present tense when I talk of his face

I am sure he changed

He probably looks prettier now

only to make me hate myself more

I often wonder if he is completely oblivious to my feelings

is he completely unaware of how much I want to hug him

not to feel anything but just a warm embrace

by him

by the first boy I fell in love with when I was just a kid

the first boy whose name I wrote at the back of my diary to find "flames" of lol

Embracing him would be like embracing my entire childhood

my ages through puberty

my acne phase

my bob-hair-tomboy-anjali phase

my boyband phase

my bangs phase

my theater phase

my artist phase

my jee phase

through it all he was there

not physically but somewhere in my heart

Just there

like an asshole really

somewhere he shouldn't be

but just with his legs on the table with shoes still on , a ciggerate in one hand and my diary in other

he owns it

he knows the command he has over me even if he isn't there

is that what romanticizing someone out of bounds feels like?

someone who isn't yours, was never yours ,will never be yours

but you know that the world is a game of gamble

and even a chance as small as a spec of sand is still a chance

and you hold onto that chance so dearly that everything you think about is consumed by that tiny possibility against the innumerable odds

yet you fight the world and it's rules just to think of yourself as his and his as yours

irrationally , erratically, irresistibly

I fantasize sometimes that maybe if i hugged him good bye

maybe then he would take his shoes off the table and leave

maybe that hug could do what almost 10 years of life couldn't

I fantasize sometimes that maybe if i had a huge fight with him and told him to get out

maybe then he would flip me off and leave

maybe that fight could do what almost 10 years of life couldn't

but that hug and that fight are the spec of sand

against the odds that I might never see him in this lifetime

and if I do I am sure that I would turn into that little girl again who understood what being vulnerable meant at an alarmingly young age

I wish I could just lie in his arms and cry

cry about how much I miss him

about how much I wish he was mine

about how much I hate him

about how difficult it has been to hate him

and about how I would go to the moon and back just to see him break into a titled smile

I was literally ready to fight anything and anyone to protect him

and I did

until i realised that he doesn't want my protection

until I realise how foolish it was to go to battles for someone who doesn't even want you to

; not because they care about you getting hurt

but because they wouldn't care at all even if you died

maybe he was blind and didn't see me

Or maybe he saw me and used my help and just left like that

I truly don't know which one is worse

I hate how much space he consumes of my thoughts

I hate how everything reminds me of him

his song pops up in my recommendations

everytime I open my eyes I see his favourite colour

when I open my phone and there are messages from him

when I open my phone and there are no messages from him

i hate how much I love him

when I don't cross his mind at all

25.12.2024 , Wednesday

Merry Christmas everyone!! <3333

I hope your christmas is going better than mine as I literally couldn't celebrate at all cuz I have my chemistry exam tomorrow :")

my family's over for dinner, I just paid them a quick visit and excused myself for studying and yet

Somehow I don't think I studied enough as well , I had so much time and I didn't utilise it well but there's no point in regretting rn

so here's all that I'll try doing before I take a pre-exam nap :

d and f block quick revision and imp questions

physical chemistry quick revision and imp questions

ncert line by line of atleast one of the electrochemistry

revise all the above once before sleeping

that's all , I hope I'm able to manage atleast these

wish me luckkk!!! (pray for me y'all 🩷🩷)

65/100 days of productivity

a recap of my summer!! i managed to get a lot of research/writing done, and even started working on a journal paper as well! I'm definitely not a summer person, but I somehow managed to survive the heatwave - I'm so ready for the well-deserved vacation starting tomorrow :)

listening to: sixtones lost city

30.12.2024 // free dayy

I went to the mall with my bestfriend yesterday, it was soo fun we even went to the book store in there :))

I picked up Matthew Perry's autobiography - Friends, Lovers and the Big Terrible Thing

and I was flushed with a wave of nostalgia, sadness and overwhelming love for that man.

Even though I was born three years after friends ended , I still grew up on it and chandler was the one I related to the most ,Infact he was my friend's favourite character and we would talk about chandler a lot or repeat his jokes and that made him even more special to me.

It really feels like we are reading his personal diary as it takes us through his life. There are several pictures in there as well and one of them is of him as a teenager surrounded with a bunch of kids and the caption is -

"I have always been great with kids. Man,I wish I had one of my own"

this just..stayed with me and I think it will stay with me for a while, I miss him. I hope he's in a better place. <3

how does active recall work?

active recall is a method of studying where you actively stimulate your memory during the learning process. instead of passively reviewing notes or textbooks, you test yourself on the material, forcing your brain to retrieve information. this process strengthens your memory and enhances your understanding of the subject.

the principle behind active recall is simple: the more you practice retrieving information, the better you become at remembering it. this technique involves:

asking yourself questions about the material.

summarizing information without looking at your notes.

using flashcards to test your knowledge.

teaching the material to someone else.

11:07 AM

Just came back after giving my physics mid term,

whew

Stayed up till 5:50 for an exam at 7:15 AM

I honestly don't know how it went , it could've been a lot better , I'm not happy with the way it went :''(

My brain hurts a lot, i just want to eat and sleep rn but guess fucking what? ...chem tomorrow

kill me now kill me now

I'll have to start studying by mid noon anyhow

I can't complain cause i brought this on myself

Karma is a bitch

I should've studied beforehand

don't be like me

study now , be sane later

But it's okay , I know I'll bounce back , I just need to take it one day at a time

Sometimes you just need to grab something to eat , take a good nap and get back up

that's it

let's see if I finish mid term or mid term finishes me

15.12.2024 , sunday

I have my pre boards from 18th and I'm just cramming up all year's syllabus right now...whew

gotta finish entire physics tonight so that I can do maths tomorrow, I'm gonna be more active over here cuz i am in desperate need of inspo

prolly gonna stay up till 4:30 or 5 am

no way out , gotta lock in 🗣️

to be done -

electric charges & field

electrostatics

current electricity

moving charges

magnetism

emi

AC

if I'll be able to finish this by 5 somehow then I'll also complete electromagnetic waves

Beach Prints

I see beautiful tragedies of life in the footprints prints on the beach , do you?

i sat down on the sea shore

as a visitor

only to find myself in an ocean of footprints

A sign of visitors

that walk over

pass by the beach

i looked down on my body

only to find myself drowned in those footprints

a sign of visitors

that once walked with me

now pass by me

these scars are just footprints then.

what do I think of them?

which ones i treasure

which ones i mourn

whatever I think of them,

they will remain on me , as a sign.

a sign of visitors

and just like that,

i found the proof of

every tear

every laughter

every time I felt sick of someone

every time I felt homesick for someone

i saw the tides gently wipe away some of these footprints while leaving the most

only to make space for more visitors to come

the visitors leave , their footprints stay

until another visitor walks over them

to create a new trail of these prints

they don't reach far beneath surface

but they are the decorations of sand

what do they teach me?

something beautiful

something tragic

i see the beautiful tragedies of life in the footprints on beach , do you?