Every So Often My Fast Beating Heart, Hole In My Stomach And Reason For My Ever Lasting Disdain Comes

When I like or relate to a character enough, I'll often take their name and use it for myself. Im not quite sure why i do this if im being honest, I dont do it very often to but when i find a character, i really love. i can't help but want to be like them. i dont like my name at all. It has no elegance or interest in it or anything remarkably nice about it. "......" It's boring, but i suppose all names are after a while. It has 6 letters in it, which is a cold number, but it is even, and it has mostly warm letters, which are nice [I dont like cold numbers or odd numbers]. It means something to do with religion, which is ironic cause im probably going to end up in hell anyway. None of my close friends call me it anyway, I'm usually referred to ell although i wouldn't mind more people calling me tori or jane, which are all names I've taken from characters i like. Tori/victoria from Solitaire, Jane Doe from Ride the Cyclone, my favourite musical, and the genderbent version of Edd from eddsworld Ell. [who I have since claimed as my own character]..it feels silly but when i find somthing or somone i can really relate to i desire to have some sense of similairty of closeness with them wich i find the easist to achive with name, albeit it has created this sort of affect where i feel i have no real name at all. Although theres only 3 I've really taken on I've been told that i have lots of actual names that my parenrs have aince forgotten with of course the addition of the various ways to say my name and the english version. But if im being honest, im not sure I'll ever have a name that will ever fit me, meaning or sound wise. I guess that it's my fate to be nameless and avoid any proper recognition, and so in addition to my void, i can now add a blank sheet signed "nameless."[Not my art]

I think most of my life is being scared over simple human things, i truly dont know whats wrong with me but i despise the person i am, i hate the feelig that i get when a pit in stomcach resides and i have to live with the memory of a simple human error I committed,I dont mean to be rude I dont mean to be creepy I dont mean to hate people I don't mean any of it. If a time machine was a real concpt I'd simply use it to fix the itty bitty mistakes I made that no one would give a second thought to, if im not perfect and surpress everything I made to be well than I am an individual who does not deserve to live. I hate wallowing in the things I've done, constantly thinking of the choices I make and the things I end up doing, I am forever stuck in my mind and will rot away as my blackened hole grows.[Not my art]

Every so often, I am reminded of my dysfunctional brain as it scrambles to remember thoughts that I feel that I do not have anymore and have lost in the deep sea of changing desires and misery and Like my sanity my brain is slowly decaying with every passing day as I have denied myself a rose coloured life and wallow in the tainted window of my own self reflection and hinder on every small detail of every small thing I did to mess up. Everything in the world is my fault. If I can't save everyone, then I dont deserve saving.[Not my art]

Wet socks are so uncomfortable😭

Sometimes, I wish I could just sleep forever. When anything happens, big or small, if I start dwelling on the past or the things I don't confront, if I start thinking of how defiant I am to liking myself, or how defiant I am of giving myself peace my solution is always to sleep. Being asleep is like a fever dream, and to me, it's a reset button to when the problems in one's life become to apparent. When you're asleep 9 times out of 10, you're not in your reality, but somewhere else, it's so stupidly pathetic, but I often wish I had no friends no family and no one who cared about me so I could just sleep an be somewhere else all day. I sometimes think no one understands how weird the concept of sleep and dreaming is like.. you just close your eyes, and your consciousness is just gone? Your body does all ghese things to repair itself, and you don't even know any of it? I think it's rather interesting and it's. A nice way to avoid your problems. I sometimes desire to never have to speak to anyone. I always plan to just sleep and ignore reality. Ignore my friends. My family ignores myself ignore "her" ignores everyone around me, and just..be gone." Because being gone is better than stewing in my feelings.

I often wish I wasn't inside my own body, not from hatred of my body or anything but hatred of myself as a whole, I hate having my thoughts and having my feelings I hate everything about my surroundings and reality. I often wish we weren't the main character In our own lives because I hate being the most important person in mine, I hate the sense that all kids where there thie feeling that the world resolves around them because I know it doesn't but its just somthing I can't shake. I dont like being in my body, my face, my mind, my home, my reality, my Universe, galaxy, I don't like being....in my shoes. I wish I was a narrator watching over everyone and everything I hate the feeling of being in my own thoughts and mind it makes me for so horribly self centered "This is my fault" "is he mad at me?' "I shouldn't have done that." Simple things, simple thoughts make me feel so caught up in my own world and reality. Why must I be forced to inhabit a person whom I don't want? I wish I could be anything else, anything other than here, anything other than me as a whole. I'm not completely sure what I'm asking to be honest, I dont know if I want to narrate over people's lives be able to switch from different people or just be god themselves but I do know I don't want to be..me I'd rather just be no one.

It's kind of psthetic, but the majority of my life is just living in a made-up world of things that will never happen. Every day all the time constantly all im ever doing is daydreaming no matter what I'm doing my head is up in the clouds somtimes about the past futue or possible outcomes but ny mind never seens to be in the present. Sometimes , I wonder how often my mind is somewhere else, and I'll abruptly stop what im thinking about and look back on how long my mind was elsewhere. Usually, i can't remember, so it's kind of pointless. It feels quite silly that simple things Ive made up in my head can result in such diffrent emotions, to the olunt i can often atart crying of giggling from glee like an idoit..if it hasnt become apparant i make alot of stuff in my head and then get sad about it. I dont really know why i do it.. maybe as an escape from reality kr as an escape from myself, but in my heads world, everything is always better..the people, the romance, the scenery, just reality in general. Day dreaming fills my empty head with a possibility of a different reality. It's calming in a way. I often start smiling and giggling in public about things no one else thinks about. Sometimes i daydream of things i hope will happen. Like falling of a building or fainting and going into a coma in the middle of class. Or being famous or something.... I often think that I ponder on life so much that I take away possibilities from god.[Not my art]

Posted this on tiktok but wanted to share it here too. Pls pls pls interact rtc fandom 🙏🙏

NOT MY ART

Hello all I hope your having a lovley evening day or night, im just posting these pictures here because I need help on a character. I was just wondering what one may describe the clothing the characters are wearing as or what aesthetic it may be. Ive tried clown and jester but it hasnt really helped so im seeking help here, any help would be very appreciated<33 if I had to choose the one most accurate to what im imagining I'd say 4 and 3.

Winter is Nye:

Winter is coming.

"Winter is coming?"

..."Winter is coming!!"

Falling from the above camparible To the petals of lily valleys being scattered about.

Falling from the sky

Snow as white as the miser himself

comes down like the wallowing

of a tearful goodbye.

The sun shines no longer as

winter is Nye

Somewhere far away a person

Dances waiting for there love

A stream hums gently nearby

All alone in the pearly snow

The beauty something I will never get enough

The winter makes one's heart grow cold

Snow flakes cover Your tounge With frost

Flowers covered in snow to be lost

Dears and bears prance about

Trying to find shelter to rest

A snowflake falls upon you winters kiss.

Winter hath come a snowfall bliss