Latest Posts by pisforpandemonium - Page 6

um, so I feel really buzz-y and blank and I genuinely cannot focus on anything, I have absolutely no motivation - it's not like I'm drained, but rather empty (if that difference makes sense). The socio thing is coming up, everyone's (Poline, Swathi and Rheena in our group) discussing about it, they even did a video call to discuss and they sent the points in the group, I said I wasn't in the mood for studying, so I didn't join the call - but everything just went over my head. I didn't read anything they sent and I'm not sure I'm going to cause my head's been feeling woozy and I don't know how I'm going to submit the damn assignment on Monday.

And I'm not stressed because I can't feel anything, I'm forcing my brain and my mind to atleast remember that there's an assignment due, but it's as if I have no object permenance - I don't even remember that there's this thing until or unless they talk about it, and when they do, I ignore it because it goes completely over my head.

I honestly don't think I'm going to be able to do anything this semester because it's been this way for months. Swathi was talking about exams prolly coming up and I was like shut the fuck up because I can't even imagine what's it going to be like ( I didn't tell her anything of course, cause it's a 'me' problem and not a 'they' problem ). I'm not scared, I'm not stressed, I don't feel anything and even as I'm sending this I don't feel any of this, I just feel empty and I know this is supposed to evoke some sort of tension, but it isn't, so I just don't know what to do.

TW : MENTION OF SUICIDE

Do you also conjure up scenarios of you dying of suicide in multiple different ways and draw out how you're going to inform people and how they're going to react/feel and basically draw out a whole ass novel up in your head when you're feeling down and then once the story's done up in there, feel better and go live life monotonously like before the tiny breakdown or do you have good mental health?

My maternal grandma and I were talking about large age gaps in relationships and the importance of sex education, especially for women and I was ranting about all this to her.

My mom and my grandma never had proper sex education. So whatever they learned, they had to learn from their older, much more educated husbands. And no matter how much a good person your husband is, in such a situation, there will be some amount of grooming/manipulation involved - consciously or unconsciously. They'll teach their wives things they like, they'll only impart limited knowledge - they can only teach another person things they know, so if they don't know anything about women's pleasure, they won't know how to tell their wives either. And purposely or not, they might only teach their wives things they like - so a woman believes that these are things they *have* to do while having sex, things they *have* to do in a marriage to make their husbands happy and they could live their whole life not knowing what they like/want. It's so easy for husbands to take advantage of their wives. Even if it's in a tiny way, still. And they might not give them proper sex education, sex education from an "objective" perspective. Moreover, if the husband is conservative and believes in sex only for procreation, they won't even try to make their wives feel good and their wives wouldn't know any better!

But this same man may have gone through pronographic magazines or whatever when he was younger, he may already know about male pleasure. He might have already explored his likes and dislikes, but his wife never got that chance, and now she never will.

It's all so fucking messed up.

My grandma agreed with me tho, completely.

I genuinely don't feel any emotion, I'm great at facial expressions, I'm great at sounding like I feel things, and I realised that I have no empathy, absolutely nada. All the "empathy" I used to think was empathy was in fact only sympathy (not pity though!!!!!!)

My family constantly tells me how I never call them when I'm at my other side of the family's house and vice versa and that it seems as if I don't care about anyone because I don't keep in touch with them. And I feel terrible for the fact that I cannot feel that feeling of wanting to stay connected. My friends tell me they miss me and that they want to see me, but even though I say I miss you too, I don't, I honestly don't.

I only feel empty inside. Not numb, just empty. Only surface level emotions, nothing that's "deep".

I don't feel like I've numbed myself to those emotions. Numb feels like a balloon filled with air, the pressure is there against the balloon but it's just air, empty feels like a non-blowed balloon, with literally nothing inside

Another emotion I feel like feeling like a monster/terrible person/other very messed up things etcetc - but that's only when I'm having an episode. And I feel guilty only when someone tells me how uncaring I am and when I lie to people about it

But the thing is, this isn't a recent occurrence. It's been this way with my family since forever, they've always told me this. I made up excuses for myself and I made myself believe things, I didn't want to admit to myself that I genuinely couldn't feel. It was after I started learning about the difference between empathy/sympathy/compassion that I admitted to myself that I wasn't an empath and then gradually all this other stuff.

a nightly routine? oh, wait! I have one those! It's called, 'having a mental breakdown until I finally pass out'.

It's 5:30 AM and someone took away my favorite pillow, the only which is comfortable and suits my neck and I'm thirsty and there's no water bottle in my room and I can't go it rn and wceeytgubt feel so WRING AND I WANT TO DIE

It also kinda perpetuates a negative/toxic view of romantic relationships. Like, y'know how people most of the time talk about their partner in a degrading way (not gender specific, this is gender neutral) - not just when they're annoyed at them, most of the time. It's mostly snarky.

Married couples are the WORST. They talk about how they're "trapped" now blah blah blah (kindaaa gender specific because cis men tend to do it more). Just take the WhatsApp family group forwards - how many "jokes" are made about physically hurting or even killing their spouse?

There's so much bitterness. Majority of the people roll their eyes and shit on couples who post lovey dovey stuff on social media, but to be really honest, I shit on the people who talk shit about their partner openly on social media. Including 'bashing the ex' vaala posts. Like, no, just no. That's immature and disrespectful. It's better to be cheesy than hateful.

It's as if once you get into a romantic relationship your individuality, your freedom, your space, your likes and dislikes are automatically gone/irrelevant - that's how it's portrayed is what I mean, when people say stuff like this. And that just shows how many people are in unhealthy relationships but don't realise it's unhealthy, they're normalising unhealthy patterns and not even educating themselves (and/or others) on how a healthy relationship should be. A healthy relationship shouldn't feel like a trap or any of the above. It's supposed to make you feel _free, safe, comfortable and confident with yourself_, supposed to make you feel good inside.

edit : and this is from a person on the aro-spec

I feel so POWERLESS. I feel so fucking powerless. I'm not in control of ANYTHING in my life, absolutely NOTHING. I have a goddamn fucking bed time, a wake up time, I'm told what I should wear and what I shouldn't, everyone has unnecessary opinions on every tiny little thing I do. I've to go where they tell me to, stay where they tell me to, talk when I'm asked to, lower my voice when ordered to. People make me feel bad for asking for things, well, they had for a long time. And now whenever I ask for even the tiniest little favor, I feel like a burden to people, an inconvenience. I've been told stuff like - when I stay at my grandparents' place for a long time, I'm adding on to their stress, they have to make food which I like, do stuff while keeping me in mind and that just inconveniences them.

I basically have no control over anything and on top of that I feel like I'm a baggage to people and I feel like breaking away, I feel so overwhelming emotions because I feel like nothing I say, none of my choices matter - that my voice doesn't matter. But I can't talk to them about this, if I do it's ALWAYS going to be "it's for your own good" // "if you don't want us to tell you things, then fine, you don't care about us, you'll understand when we're no longer here and you have no one to tell you" // "if you were more responsible and knew how to take care of yourself we wouldn't have to do this".

AND THAT'S NOT THE FUCKING POINT! THE POINT IS THAT I FEEL LIKE I CAN'T DO THE TINIEST THING WITHOUT ASKING FOR PERMISSION, I FEEL LIKE I'M A FUCKING INCONVENIENCE TO PEOPLE IF I ASK SOMETHING OF/FROM THEM, I FEEL LIKE I'M JUST FOLLOWING PEOPLE IN LIFE AND THERE'S NOTHING I CAN DO ON MY OWN and now it's so fucking difficult to change things and I feel so empty and de-motivated inside, I don't feel like putting energy into anything. I can't do anything on my own without an external push. And this "just be determined and you can do anything" is FUCKING BULLSHIT, THAT'S WHAT IT IS! I CAN'T BE DETERMINED BECAUSE MY BRAIN ISN'T WIRED TO BE. YOU THINK I HAVEN'T TRIED? YOU THINK I STOP DOING THINGS I LOVE, THAT I LOSE INTEREST IN THINGS I LOVE OR I'M PASSIONATE ABOUT BECAUSE I WANT TO?! I HAVE NO FUCKING CONTROL OVER ANY OF THIS! I don't know why I'm this way, but I genuinely, legitimately cannot.

And now, I just want to rebel and disobey people, but there's always this guilt that drowns me and I hate it but I want to go against people, I want to be a bad child so I wouldn't feel so bad about myself, I want to lie without choking, I want to all this without my fucked up head thinking thoughts of death and disappointment and killing myself and running away and guilt, so much guilt and cowardice.

I feel so suffocated, so, so bad.

WHEN IS IT GOJHN YO GET BETTER?! WHEN THE FUCK WILL IT GET BETTER

I can't handle this oh my gosh so much pain, I can't fucking handle this it hurts so so so so much I feel like I want to I want to die eventhough I'm not suicidal

Pleasepleaseplessepleasepleaee oh gosh it hurts so much fuck fu kfu K fuck

remember when we were younger and thought that calling people crazy/insane/mad and asking them if they've taken their meds that day and saying that they had a mental disorder/were mentally unstable and that there was something wrong with them was considered cool/fun/hilarious? bleck, the absolute horror-- can't imagine doing that shit rn. and can't imagine being friends with people who do that shit rn.

I don't know what's wrong with me. I can't commit to anything, I can't stick with anything, I have absolutely no motivation or drive to do anything that requires even minimal effort. I don't register for webinars due to the fear that I won't be in the "mood" to attend it when it starts, I don't give my name for or take part in any program that my drama club plans/conducts (online, of course) because I don't feel like doing anything. I feel so frigging average - I'm not the best at anything, I don't do anything well. I don't do yoga everyday the way my teacher tells me to do because I don't feel like it at all. My core is empty and I feel nothing.

I feel like such a worse of space, such a disappointment of a person, a dysfunctional human being, a good for nothing. Is this laziness, or is this something worse? I don't even know.

OPINIONS

This is kindddd of an unpopular opinion, but...

I don't really think it's "morally wrong" for straight guys to watch gxg porn and feel turned on by it, I think it's only an issue if these guys meet a wlw and ask them if they're up for a threesome or something like that because they believe a wlw's sexuality is somehow connected to them or that a wlw somehow exists to cater to their sexual fantasies. Of course I acknowledge the fact that just because straight guys watch gxg porn, it doesn't mean that they're not homophobic/biphobic. I can acknowledge both of the above at the same time - it doesn't exist in dichotomies.

There's a huge difference between the two.

I think it's important to know that there's a difference between reading a particular genre of erotica or watching a type of porn but NOT wanting to have anything to do with that in real life. And I don't think erotica/porn actually influences people in such a way to such a large extent like how most people make it out to.

Just like how, when people read or write fanfiction, though they imagine their characters to be like this person, they don't usually *_identify_* the character with the person - I think that difference is important. Like, when I read Larry fanfics, I don't identify Harry Styles and Louis Tomlinson to their character, I imagine their relationship dynamic, but I don't think of real life Louis and real life Harry doing whatever it is that's written in the fanfic - except for a rare few people, literally no one does that. But a lotta people don't understand that difference and that results in them being against fanfiction altogether.

//

One thing I don't like about 'one night stand' culture is how people make it out to be "fucking and dumping" and that shouldn't be so.

Sex is a form of intimacy and we're human beings, after doing something that requires both physical and emotional effort/energy, we need to feel soft, we need to feel safe. So the cuddling after sex or the resting for some time after sex together to feel like a person who had sex with a person and not like just a toy is super important. In books, they kinda make it sound like staying till the morning after and grabbing breakfast together ruins the whole "it's an only sex relationship", when in fact people need that to not feel like they've been used, it's extremely valid. It doesn't mean they have a _romantic_ connection per say, but they do have a connection because having sex is a vulnerable thing, no matter how hard a person tries to keep emotions and feelings separate, that doesn't happen. But just because you feel emotions doesn't mean that you necessarily want to date the other person, it just means you did something intimate and meaningful together - and you can have that vaala relationship and connection with how many ever people you want. But not actually talking after or having aftercare later does affect the person's mental health.

I think that's why so many people are against one night stand/only sex culture, when instead of being against that, they should stress on the importance of aftercare and communication.

SPOILER FOR FLEABAG

Fleabag and Boo were not in love. They were not romantically attracted to each other. They had a strong, beautiful friendship which transcended amatonormativity. Their love was so deep and so meaningful that people who're limited by the belief that only romantic love can be so, cannot comprehend how friends can love each other so purely and deeply.

This is what our amatonormative culture is doing - it's robbing us of the ability to appreciate real friendship, one which isn't beneath romantic relationships, one which isn't placed on the bottom of a relationship hierarchy, one where best friends talk to each other, and treat each other as if they're lovers; because they are, they are lovers in the sense that they have unconditional love for each other, they are lovers in the sense that they started a café together and stayed together to run it, they are lovers in the sense that Boo was Fleabag's emotional anchor when her mother passed away, instead of her boyfriend. They are lovers in every sense, except for the romantic one.

Another thing I absolutely love about Fleabag - the show - is the fact that Fleabag's life didn't revolve around finding romance. She had fulfilling relationships with her best friend, her best friend's hamster, her sister, a practical stranger who saved her life and a priest who picked God.

She never made the priest feel bad for not picking her, never pressurised him to reciprocate her 'I love you', never slighted his relationship with God despite her being an atheist.

She was such a wholesome character and I fell in love with her in all the ways a person can fall in love with another person. I am so frigging heartbroken that I'll never get to experience the rest of her life, but I am also so frigging content with how the show ended. It was absolutely beautiful.

TW : VIOLENCE AGAINST ANIMALS//DEATH

SPOILER ALERT FOR FLEABAG

I keep thinking about the scene where Fleabag tells Boo about the 11 year old boy who was put in juvie because he inserted the rubber part of the pencil up a hamster's rectum, and instead of making a joke about it or saying something on the lines of how he deserved it, Boo is surprised that they didn't provide him with proper mental health care. She tells Fleabag that he obviously wasn't happy, because "happy" people don't do things like that - he should've been given help instead of a punishment. She says the entire point of pencils having an eraser at the end is cause people make mistakes.

Now flash forward to the future where Fleabag tells people how Boo died - she wanted to make her boyfriend feel guilty for cheating on her by getting admitted to a hospital for light injuries, she did not want die by suicide, but unfortunately that wasn't how it went - and we realise that Boo made a mistake, and it wasn't one that could be corrected using an eraser. That is also when we realise that Boo wasn't a "happy" person either, because "happy" people don't do that.

Instead of demonizing her for emotional manipulation, or blaming her for dying, Fleabag is compassionate and that is one of the million reasons why I love this show.

Me to me : Hit me with your best shot

*afterwards*

Me to me : I TAKE IT BACK!!!! I TAKE IT BACKKK!!!! FOR FUCK'S SAKE, I TAKE IT BA-

hahahahahahaha, can I please delete my existence 🙃

I don't like this belief/practice where when one person does something they're uncomfortable with or sacrifice something, it's seen as an act of love or loyalty or whatever to the other - similarly, when person #2 expects person #1 to do the same to "prove" / "show" their love for them; and not sacrificing something or not putting themselves in a difficult/uncomfortable situation is portrayed as not loving the other person enough - "you love me right, so why won't you do this for me" is emotional manipulation and T O X I C. You don't have to make yourself uncomfortable, you do not have to sacrifice something that makes you happy, you do not have to do any of this to prove your love to your loved one. I don't understand from when or where or how people started romanticizing the idea of sacrifice. From wives sacrificing their hobbies and their occupation for their husband or family and expecting all girls to do the same for their husband/boyfriend (cishet relationships in this context) to expecting close friends to attend parties to give you company eventhough they've made it perfectly clear that they're uncomfortable with doing so, this entire concept is normalised to the point that now it's considered not-true love, not strong enough love when others don't sacrifice/don't get out of their comfort zones/don't do things that makes them feel uncomfortable for others.

I feel so frigging tired and I wanna cry and the thought of having to attend my online classes tomorrow and being a productive person makes me feel horrible and on top of that having to attend my online yoga class in the evening and everything is just URGH, I just want to sleep away my life, please

TW : SEXUAL HARASSMENT/R*PE

Can people PLEASEEEE stop saying shit like "it's not sexual harassment if you like it" // "it's not harassment if you're turned on" // "your mouth might be saying no, but your body says yes"?!

It does not sound cool, it does not sound sexy and it is absolutely NOT okay for anyone to say this. For one, you need to ask BEFORE you touch - affirmative consent : yes means yes, not no means no. Two, most people's bodies are wired to like physical/sexual touch, and by 'like', I mean respond to it - that does not mean it's consensual. This is also one of the reasons why people don't consider it r*pe if the survivor has orgasmed, and that's just messed up.

We reallyyy need to learn to stop using phrases and language which perpetuate r*pe culture 🤢

For a long time I've believed that if I were to be pro - sex work/ supportive of sex workers, I had to be pro-porn, I had to think of porn as empowering, instead of oppressive, I had to think of the porn industry as something that allows sex workers to explore their sexuality and empower themselves. It took a lot of learning and unlearning to finally understand that being pro-sex work/ supportive of sex workers and believing that porn empowers certain sex workers can co-exist with the fact that the porn industry is messed up, misogynistic and exploitative. It doesn't exist in dichotomies - both are facts.

The porn industry is exploitative, Pornhub is exploitative and rape apologistic - but acknowledging and criticising the misogyny and abuse in the porn industry does not give you the right to shame sex workers in any way. They're not perpetuating or encouraging any of this, they're not aiding in their own oppression - they're a part of a system which exploits them; shame the system, not the workers.

//

If you don't blame or/and shame the people who're being exploited by capitalism for being exploited by the system, what makes you think you can blame and shame sex workers for the same? Where the fuck does your hypocrisy end?

funny (not really) how the same people who find certain professions/occupations "dishonorable" and "degrading" have no issue availing services of the people who do those jobs. If you want to avail someone's services, respect what they do or fuck off.

Me : *watching something in peace*

My grandpa : ayyy, what's this ridiculous thing you're watching, change it and watch something else - there are so many good movies blah blah blah

Me : *thinks back to when he was watching a movie where a few misogynistic assholes were talking about a girl as if she was sex object, slut shaming her and literally texting her asking if the b in her name stood for blow job*

Me : I don't know why but I have a feeling your version of "good" and my version of "good" are quite different,,,,,,

This "there are no personal boundaries within a family" / "everything belongs to everyone" bullshit that adults preach about REALLY needs to end.

Boundaries are necessary everywhere - it doesn't matter how close a relationship you have with someone, boundaries ARE necessary. When an adult tells their kid "you cannot have privacy because there's nothing called privacy within a family", or "you don't own anything of your own - everything you have can be used by anyone in the family, it doesn't matter if they ask you for your permission first", or "you can make whatever comments you want on someone else as long as you're family" - you are not only teaching them that they have no individual value-- that what they say, or what they feel don't matter, but you're also teaching them to be inconsiderate human beings. This is wrong on so many levels and "it's our culture, we grew up like this and we turned out okay" mindset is MESSED UP. YOU DID NOT TURN OUT OKAY! A person who has no respect for another's boundaries or privacy or autonomy or property is not a sign of someone who has "turned out okay".

I am so, so, so sick and tired and just DONE with this shit.

White Man's Burden

Ethnocentrism :

The poem rests on the themes of ethnocentrism and racism. The very reason white people find it okay or even acceptable to conquer and change other cultures is because they believe theirs is the superior culture-- they are the better, more progressive, educated, civilised nation. This cultural superiority complex comes from the unnecessary comparison of the latter to the former on the basis on Eurocentric standards of comparison.

Coloniasm, Imperialism and White Saviour Complex :

Kipling portrays the white man as a philanthropic, selfless rescuer whose duty is to educate and civilise non-white people in order to make their lives better, make them more progressive and save them from their primitive lifestyle. It seems as if white men have internalised the facade they intended to show the world, and themselves believe to be saviors of "savages" and "uncivilized" people.

Patriarchal Masculinity :

Not once does Kipling mention women in his poem. It is considered a man's duty to conquer and save others, responsibilities boys are supposed to fulfill to "become a man" or reach manlihood. But it is important to note that his poem wouldn't automatically become more progressive or better in any way even if he did include women- the fact remains that though the poem is patriarchal, the major issue is white saviour complex and ethnocentrism.

damnnn, I see people actually liking my posts and I'm super grateful, but tbh I use this platform to post drafts and stuff like that hehe - Tumblr is kind of like my post space? If that makes sense. I didn't expect this, but thank you 🥺🖤

For a while now, I had been procrastinating thinking about how I felt about certain things; how uncomfortable I feel when people refer to periods as something that is a "cis woman" thing, how uncomfortable I feel when my friends send me posts or made comments which were directed at or about solely cis women, how disturbed I feel when people call me a "woman" or a "lady", the feeling of discomfort and disgust in my throat and tummy when people say things such as, "perks of being a (cis) woman", how I always felt that sick feeling when people gendered things, as if it were only for "cis females".

At first, I thought it was because of how cisnormative it was, how gendered - but then I realised that I've been feeling these feelings since I was small, since I was a child. I had absolutely no idea about the lgbtq+ community back then, I had no idea what "gender roles and norms" were, I wasn't even aware of what feminism meant- so it surely wasn't because of that. Then I forced myself to believe that I was in the process of getting over my internalised misogyny. After a lot of introspection, I realised it wasn't that either. With the help of a few of my friends, I could finally admit that it was because I wasn't a "cis female", it was because I was a demigirl (/an agender girl) - to myself and to them.

Figuring out my gender identity wasn't easy, it wasn't the same as figuring out my sexual orientation. There were days when I would beat myself up - calling myself a fake person, a wannabe. I didn't think that my feelings were valid because I didn't actually mind my body - I didn't have dysphoria; little did I know, back then, that body dysphoria wasn't the only type of dysphoria that existed, and moreover, I didn't have to experience dysphoria to be nonbinary.

I invalidated my own feelings, I refused to acknowledge them, I was afraid of talking to others about it because I didn't want them to confirm my doubts, my insecurities - so I shoved my feelings into a box and hid them away.

But now, after a lot of introspection and a lot of external validation, I finally feel secure with my gender. I am an agender girl, which means, though I do not mind the label 'girl', I do not identify with the meaning people have assigned to it; I do not identify myself as any gender, I am genderless. My pronouns are still she/her. I comparatively feel more "girl" than "agender" - when it comes to the label - but that doesn't make my identity any less valid, that doesn't make *me* any less valid.

My identity is not an oxymoron, my identity is not a buzzword which I find interesting, my identity is who I am, and who I am is not up to you to judge, who I am is up to me to own and accept.

\\

If someone asked me to explain my gender to them - eventhough I know I don't owe anyone any explanations - it would be somewhat like this :

Imagine you were born in a world with no labels, no categories. You don't know what gender is, you don't know what it means to be a girl or a boy or neither or either or both. Imagine you were a person with XX chromosomes, a uterus, a vagina and boobs and that was it. You don't know you have a gender, you don't know your parts and your chromosomes have a sex - you just know you have certain characteristics and that's it. Suddenly, a person from another world classifies you as a girl and you're okay with that, it's a simple classification, doesn't hurt anyone - but then they assign that label an identity, you. You are identified as that label, and on top of that more gendered labels are identified with you. But that's not you, you don't feel that way. You don't feel like boobs are a "female" thing, boobs are just boobs, when it's forcefully called "female parts", you feel sick, you feel like shuddering and curling into yourself. When people say that boobs are an advantage of being a girl, your entire body shakes with disgust, when they add meaning to the label "girl", you feel shaken up, you feel revolted.

But weirdly enough, until they assigned a meaning to the label "girl", it was just an empty word, and you were okay with that.

That is how being an agender girl feels like.

//

Function and Mechanism of Patriarchy in the Play

Before beginning my essay, I would like to add a warning, since it talks about matters that might be triggering to some - such as sexual harassment and rape.

Everything, from the clothes we wear to the work we do is gendered; the way we talk, the way we sit, what we study, what we don't study is all gendered. Gender roles and norms dictate our actions, define our personality and act as a moral rulebook for the society. All this is supported and perpetuated by a system of oppression, widely common and sadly normalised by all of us. Patriarchy, to put simply, is - "a system of society or government in which men hold the power and women are largely excluded from it"; it ranges from sexist microaggressions, such as jokes about how women belong in the kitchen and how women can't drive, to violent misogynistic acts such as female foeticide and honor killings.

Girls are taught to be quiet, to not talk until spoken to, to make their presence unknown and to shrink themselves to fit into society, so that they grow up to "wife material". The conditioning they undergo since childhood grooms them to be the "perfect wife" - obedient, subservient and aquiscent. But marriage is nothing but a patriarchal system created to benifit men and suppress women. Dowry deaths are far too common in our country, and even though it is supposedly illegal, people still demand for dowry. This becomes a reason for families to consider girl children a burden which results in female foeticide and infanticide. What is heartbreaking is the fact that women are made to believe that they're at fault for giving birth to a girl child, they're forced to believe that they themselves are a burden to their family and thus, their daughters are too.

Domestic abuse and marital rape are forms of violence that millions of women face daily after moving in with their husband. What is not surprising, but extremely disappointing is the fact that marital rape is still not recognised as a crime, as rape, by the Indian constitution. As if the possibility of women filing false cases against their husband has to be given more consideration than the torture women are forced to go through daily, as if men deserve more protection from false rape cases than the women who're survivors of marital rape. In olden times, what defined the status of a man, or what proved his masculinity was the control he held over his 'zan' (woman) and the 'zamin' (land), both which were considered his property. The same mindset has continued to the present times, in the sense that after marriage, women are considered property of their husband, she has no body autonomy, no right to consent, and since anything done to a person's own property isn't considered a crime, marital rape isn't considered a crime because wives are nothing but objects used to satisfy their husband's needs.

In 'Kamala', we see how angry Jaisingh gets when Sarita tells him to stop his sexual advances. He calls her derogatory terms because according to him, since she was his wife, it was her duty to have sex with him. Jaisingh doesn't consider his wife an equal, she is not treated with any respect, instead she's treated like a personal assistant, an unpaid personal assistance who exists only to obey and serve him. She is nothing more than a trophy wife, someone whom he shows off like a prize at parties and then treat like an object at home. For all his talk about exposing the sex trafficking industry and saving those women, he doesn't treat his wife much better than a slave. The hypocrisy is astounding.

Kakasaheb is no better. When Sarita talks to him about her plans to expose her husband because she can no longer stand to be treated that way, her uncle tells her that he's a man, and thus, it's normal for him to act that way - it's her responsibility to adjust, sacrifice and obey. He even proudly talks about how he ill-treated his own wife because of his male ego, seeing absolutely nothing wrong with how men treat their wives, but seeing something very wrong in the way Sarita wants to stand up for herself.

The way Jaisingh treats his maid, Kamalabhai is a different story, extremely disrespectful and cocky. When we talk about the patriarchy, it's impertinent that we talk about how the patriarchy oppresses women of different social standings differently. Kamala is oppressed in a certain way which is different from the way Kamalabhai is oppressed and different from the way Sarita is oppressed. The way domestic workers are treated in Indian households is shameful and disgusting. Nivedita Menon, in her book, 'Seeing Like A Feminist' states that, "The callousness of the Indian middle classes towards their ‘servants’ outdoes the worst excesses of feudalism. The polite term ‘domestic help’ that has replaced the word ‘servant’ in public usage is perniciously misleading. Make no mistake—these are servants. They are treated as less than human, less than pet animals. Apart from facing physical and sexual abuse—which is common—domestic workers perform heavy unrelenting toil, for they have no specific work hours if live-in; no days off or yearly vacations if part-time. Not to mention the routine humiliation that is their due. Several times now, I have noticed in Delhi restaurants the truly appalling sight of young women who are clearly maids in charge of toddlers, standing throughout the meal that their employers are consuming, ready to take charge of the baby at any point, and not being offered so much as a glass of water."

When Kakasaheb tells Jaisingh that he'll drink his tea along with Sarita so that Kamalabhai wouldn't have to do double the work, Jaisingh brushes it away and tells him that it's Kamalabhai's job to serve them - he has absolutely no concern for her wellbeing. He is a sexist, classist chauvinist who cares only about his name and his fame.

Partriachy doesn't just effect housewives and domestic workers, it effects working women too. The glass ceiling and the wage gap aren't myths, contrary to popular sexist claims. The percentage of women in STEM related subjects is very low, not because their brain is wired in a different way or because they're incapable of logical thinking, but because their entire life they've been made to believe that they are not good enough for the STEM field. Add onto it the discrimination they face by men in their workplace, and its no wonder many women who were toppers discontinue or not go for work at all. Sexual harassment at their workplace is another huge problem women face. Male employers many a time force female employees to do them "favors" for a promotion, threatening them with the possibility of getting fired if they don't listen. In the entertainment/film industry, the casting couch is a looming threat.

Apart from the discrimination they face at their workplace, women also face a lot of discrimination and set backs on their way - the 'mommy track' which Nivedita Menon talks about in her book, refers to when a woman sets apart the most productive years in her life to look after her children, which results in a slower career track upwards. The onus of looking after the children is put on the mother and the father plays absolutely no role. This is harmful not only to the women, but also to the men, since this is why in most divorce cases, the mother gets custody of the children, even if she's incompetent simply because she's a woman and looking after the children is considered her responsibility.

On the other side of the coin, this puts pressure on women to be mothers, it tells women that being a mother is all that you're good at, so that's what you must become, it is your duty, you get no choice. So even those who aren't fit to be mothers and those who don't want to be mothers, are forced to have children solely because they're women and its considered a women's job.

Kamala pities Jaisingh when Sarita tells her that she's unable to have children. She says that Jaisingh invested a lot in her, but he's not getting much in return. Her point of view is understandable since that was the kind of mindset she was exposed to her entire life. But unfortunately, today's urban society shares a similar mindset. If a couple can't have children, shame on the woman and oh, no, poor man.

Toxic masculinity is another aspect of the patriarchy and of the book. Men are expected to be brutes, they're expected to be insensitive, egotistical people who act as the head of household. Otherwise, they're considered incompetent husbands. Toxic masculinity takes a toll on men and women, mostly because the pressure it puts on men is taken out on the women. We see that in Jaisingh and Kakasaheb's treatment of their wives.

Rape culture being another. Rape culture doesn't refer to a culture in which a lot of rapes take place, but it refers to a culture which normalizes and sexual violence. Not considering marital rape rape is rape culture; catcalling and eve teasing women and girls is rape culture; blaming women for being sexually assaulted by telling them its wcause they were dressing provocatively is rape culture; the belief that men cannot be raped since they're stronger than women is rape culture, and the belief that if a man were to be sexually harassed, he must have enjoyed it since all men are considered to be sexual beings is rape culture; telling a gay person or an asexual person that they can be "turned straight" through violent sex is rape culture.

Patriarchy and Brahmanical Patriarchy go hand in glove. Sati was a practice introduced by Brahmans. Honor killing of women to protect her "purity" and "dignity" was also a practice introduced by Brahmanical patriarchy. Women who're SC, ST or OBC face a triad of oppression - for their caste and their gender, that is a result of Brahmanical patriarchy. For casteism to end, it's cardinal that so does Brahmanical patriarchy, which unfortunately isn't considered an actual issue by most mainstream, savarna feminists.

When we talk about patriarchy, it's all these major things and the microaggressions together. It's when brothers are given an extra fish and sisters are made to clean up after their brother, it's when "boys will be boys" is a scapegoat for men, but "you're a woman/girl, so act like one" puts unnecessary pressure on women to live up to a certain societally constructed standard, it's when heterosexuality is considered compulsory and normal for the purpose of passing on the family name and property and its when the honor of the family is placed on the shoulders of a young girl.

When feminists talk about "smashing the patriarchy", they're referring to dismantling the entire system so that none of these oppressive practices exist. So that we can live in a world where there is equity and justice, where there is no discrimination - a utopian world which unfortunately, cannot be reached anytime soon.

Pride 🌈

I've discovered what beauty truly is -

Beauty isn't sparkly eyes or plump lips

It's not perfect curves or sexy dips

It's not sharp collarbones or the moonlight on glowing skin,

Beauty is green grass in the form of glittery tutus

Beauty is the night sky in the form of a gold- black saree draped with attitude

It is the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, glowing like your smile, splitting your face in two

It is the vast ocean in the form of fishnet stockings and face paint on you.

Beauty is an aurora spilling across the black sky, beauty is the plethora of hues

Beauty is a loud cry, sometimes a gentle tune

Beauty is rough, beauty is crass

Beauty is leather jacket and no shoes

Beauty is suspenders and a skirt, beauty is contradiction like the icy fire and the liquid earth.

Beauty is the body, both covered and nude

Beauty is resilience, beauty is revolt

Beauty is a whisper, beauty is a shout

Beauty is poetry, beauty is the way you move

Beauty is art is you.

I've discovered where beauty truly lies -

In the seven sins that'll guide you to hell, there lies beauty, slowly being fed.

There's beauty in your vessel, there's beauty in your essence, there's beauty in the revolution and the people that it represents

There is beauty in your stride, there is beauty in your fight

There is beauty in this community,

But most importantly, there's beauty in our

Pride.

Role of Conflict and Violence in the Society

For centuries, humans have built themselves up by tearing each other down - countless wars, communal violence, hate crimes, violation of human rights and mass killings. In such a world where one thrives off of conflict and violence, it is imperative that we understand the role both plays, especially in this day and age, especially because death and destruction no longer shocks us, no longer disturbs us, especially since we've become passive and immune to all the violence around us. Today, in this day and age, conflict and violence are not just political issues, it is a personal issue - the political has become personal and it is becoming incredibly difficult to draw the line where one begins and where the other ends.

The growing hate among humans can be seen via the gruesome crime of mass shootings - an extremely widespread and prevalent issue in the US at present. In 2019 alone, there have been over a hundred incidents, most of which were hate crimes against people of color and lgbtq+ people. What was once brushed away as an issue of gun control - a political issue - is now considered to be something personal because a lot of these mass shootings take place in schools, in most of these situations queer people, Latinx people and Black people are targeted, and they could be a neighbor, a relative, a friend, a family member, an acquaintance. According to some studies, the United States has had more mass shootings than any other country in the past years - which shows the importance of proper gun control and strict laws against gun violence. But this is not solely an issue of gun control, it is also a human rights issue, it is proof that prejudice against minorities is on a hike. In the prose 'Whisper of the Bodhi Leaves', Buddhist monks are killed by shooters solely because of their religious differences, because they were from two different communities. Conflict between two communities or violence against a particular community occurs when the in-group feeling goes of out hand; when that happens, one starts to place their community or group on a pedestal and starts viewing different groups as "others"- someone who isn't worthy to be considered their equal. From here stems prejudice and then later on, discrimination. There are so many different forms of discrimination, so many groups discriminated against, remaining apathetic or apolitical in such situations only encourages the oppressor and never helps the oppressed.