Latest Posts by pisforpandemonium - Page 5

I'm walking around the house braless and my grandma was whining about it and I asked her - in a very jokey/teesy tone - why she had a problem with it when I didn't, and that it was my body anyway, she was like I don't like you staying here, what about that then - what will you say to that. And I'm so fucking angry and upset and so, so done. I hate adults. I hate adults. I hate adults. They're insensitive, cruel and self centered.

I feel like I'm unwanted, to my family, you know? Like, um, yesterday my grandpa and I were arguing a bit. I was eating Lay's and he wanted to check what company or something makes it, so while I was eating it he grabbed the packet and twisted it to see and I whined and I was like bad manners, I'm eating, how can you do that while I'm eating - in a whiney tone so that it wouldn't be rude cause they're elders and I can't show anger. And then he got pissed off and was you have so many bad manners, you trouble us and stuff, and then I was like there's a difference between bad manners and that, manners is like please and thank you and excuse me and all that - I was saying everything in a jokey tone, and the argument escalated and my grandpa was like what do you know, you know nothing, you are nothing and that just, fuck, that just hits differently y'know? Something like that.

And um, later on, before dinner, I was lurking around the kitchen cause my mom and grandma were there and I wanted to interact with people. And I was trying not to block the way, but I accidentally did and my grandma was like can you both (at me) give me some peace/quiet/space ( a Malayalam word, that's a rough translation ) - and she's like I'm going to die soon from all this hardwork and stuff, and looking after you (me) is enough for that to happen.

And my mom has MA psych classes and she's always in the room okay, the whole day, and sometimes it feels like that's all she cares about, she never wants to talk to me, never listens when I do talk, always looks at her phone, tries to get away as soon as she finishes eating - the only time she comes out - even if I'm sitting alone in the dining room, the last person to finish. So due to all that, sometimes I go into the room to annoy her in between classes because atleast I'll get some sort of attention, y'know? It's childish, I'm aware, but yeah. And my mom gets super pissed at me and stuff. And it usually is funny, but sometimes it just, it just feels like no one wants me around

In my family

This is my mom's family btw. My dad's family does want me around, but over there I'm nervous of criticism and judgement and stuff, because yeah. And I don't feel that comfortable talking to them because I don't know what to talk about cause it's unpredictable what they find unacceptable and wrong.

And my dad wants me to go to his place cause we've been at my mom's for quite a long time, but I don't want to because my kitten is here and it wouldn't be a good idea to bring the kitty there for many reasons and also because I like the vibe here - the place's vibe, if that makes sense. This house feels better, this area feels better, it feels good. So that's also conflicting.

I just feel like I'm just an annoyance or a burden to my family. And I don't know, I feel super upset

I want people to stop being mean to me, and rude to me. I want them to be nice, but I know I can't control what they say or do and I just feel so fucking horrible

Why are adults so mean to kids

Why do they use tones which seem like they just want to do whatever duty they have and then get rid of me

It's like, when they're angry or upset at me, they say horrible things. My grandpa uses bad language and my grandma would be like (they built a house in Palakkad - a village area, a few years ago because they were planning to move there. But my grandpa wanted to stay here because he wanted to be there for me and all, so they rented out the house) 'we should've gone to Palakkad, I told you (to my grandpa), but noo, you wanted stay here to fix your grandchild, it's all your fault' and stuff. So they just say whatever comes to their mouth without any consideration and that fucking sucks

I don't have any adult I can open up to. I used to open up to my uncle, but he kind of betrayed that, used it against me when he was worried/upset about me, in front of everyone. So I can't trust him anymore. And I told him I'd never be able to open up to him again when we talked about the issue and solved it. And I have no one else in my family, no other adult whom I can be emotionally vulnerable with.

I feel like I don't have much of a relationship with my mom anymore. She's alwaysss, alwayssss busy with her MA Psych classes - morning, afternoon and night, and when she does come out of the room, the only thing she talks about is this leg pain she has and how this massage thingy is so good, with my grandma. She doesn't listen to me when I talk, she doesn't want to hear anything I say, but somehow she thinks she can come and scold me and repeat the things my grandparents tell me to do when she gets the time 😒 when all she does the whole day is stuff related to her class.

And what made me the most upset today was the fact that she said my kitten would die if it ate kitten food rn because it's too small and won't be able to digest it when I was talking to my GRANDMA. She never listens when I freak out about my kitten, never proactively asks about it or gives it any attention - atleast as far as I know, she claims that she gives it attention in the morning and I don't see cause I'm sleeping, but whatever. I dunno, maybe it's super petty and childish, but I feel unwanted.

me, finally does something that I want to :

my family : you should think about us, the society, the world, that random stranger on the street and not just do what you like, why are you so self centered/you shouldn't do that, it's wrong, do it the way I told you to/do what I like, not simply whatever you want

me : 👁️ 👄 👁️

me, doing anything :

my family : what are you doing/why are you doing that/why are you doing that right now/do you have to do that/don't do that

me, eating something :

my family : what are you eating/why are you eating it now/do you have to eat that/why did you not ask us before finishing it, you're so selfish/don't do that

me, unable to do simple things without asking for permission because I want to avoid being questioned and criticised :

my family : why do you ask us everything, you should make your own decisions and be independent, you shouldn't be asking permission for such silly things

me : 👁️ 👄 👁️

Saw a quora ask where a cis woman is like should I let my 13 yr old son sleep in the same room as my 16 yr old daughter. And another, old, convo thread where cis adult women talk about how they wouldn't let their husbands bathe their baby daughters 🤮🤢

Why do people have to sexualise all this?

If you don't make a distinction between safe touch and unsafe touch, and sexual touch and non sexual tough - like, if there are no clear cut lines/limits, then how do you suppose people will understand consent and stuff properly?

If you classify all touch as bad, you're not only harming people by taking away affection, but you're also sexualising everything! Which is fucked up. This is the reason why innocent hugs and hand holding and cheek kisses and etcetc are sexualised - because people don't make a distinction. Like, no matter what you say about how bad the world is, there should be a basic amount of trust between human beings - otherwise what's the point of _being_ human beings?

How can people sexualise stuff like this, I felt sick.

I sometimes sleep with my grown up, adult vaala uncle when he comes over (he's in Pune), and the first time, everyone was a lil surprised that I was fine with it. But then why wouldn't I be? Why is it "normal" to see everything with a bad lens?

If a person is personally not comfortable with it, that's valid, but then all this shit? I don't know if this is only my opinion, or if it's an unpopular opinion, but I hate this.

Being cautious is one thing, seeing everything as a dirty thing is another.

It's like how adult women tell girls they need to dress "decently" because their dad/grandpa/brother/uncle/male relative is around. That's fucked up in SO many ways.

Kinda lost my train of thought here, I got it back now - - -

Cont. from 'if you classify all touch as bad' : you'll be confusing kids on what good/safe touch is and what bad/unsafe touch is.

TW : PEDOPHILIA, INCEST, BEASTIALITY, NECROPHILIA (SEX) EROTICA/FANFICTION

wellll, you know how a lot of people read and write erotica about all that, including beastiality, necrophilia etc even when they know and say that it's obviously wrong in real life? Like, how come people read and write such things even when -

1. They agree it's wrong

2. They wouldn't do it nor would they like someone to do it to them

3. Wouldn't watch it

Not talking about survivors in this case, as in, not talking about it as a form of catharsis or something in this case.

And not just that. Like, there are asexual people who read and write and enjoy erotica. Ace people who're sexual acts repulsed in real life.

So this is basically a bigger vaala question - if people wouldn't do it in real life, what makes them enjoy it? I don't know if I'm phrasing it correctly, but yeah.

And how do people feel aroused while reading things like necrophilia erotica when it'll disgust them in real life?

So many questions.

And like, there are fanfiction where one person is a literal child and the other an adult and the author obviously puts a warning, but people read and enjoy that - so many people.

Is it something about the taboo factor that excites them?

And my friend said people who go search for child involving erotica/fanfiction must have mild pedophilic tendencies, so I asked - "But shouldn't that mean that people who go search for and purposely read beastiality, incest (one of the most common) and other taboo vaala erotica have mild those tendencies too? And asexual people who read erotica must have mild those tendencies too? 🤔

It's so confusing and I have so many questions. I'm not looking for a moral judgement, I'm looking for the psychology behind it btw.

yes, I'm sex and kink positive, and yes I believe that the minimum age for people to start having sex must be atleast 16 - and yes, these can exist together.

I can talk about the problematic aspects of hook up culture and want to have casual sex and support casual sex at the same time. the problematic part (or atleast one of-) of hook up is this belief that sex is purely physical, purely mechanical - like, you follow these steps to reach the orgasm and stage and then you're done and you up and leave. But no, that's not what it is. Sex is so much more than that - sex also involves emotional, psychological attachment, and that has nothing to do with gender. When someone tells you to have sex with people, only whom you trust and that sex is so much more than simply, well, "sex", they're not shaming you (unless they actually are, then fuck them), they're telling you the truth. Sex does affect your psyche, that's why this 'humping and dumping' culture where there's no aftercare or no communication is WRONG - that does impact your emotional health negatively.

What I hate, one thing, about wattpad books is that most of the time, writers write about a player who has sex with girls and leaves before they wake up to show lack of romantic attachment, and later on portray those girls as clingy/whiney people who don't understand the concept behind one night stands. There are SO MANY things wrong with that.

1. Sex takes an emotional toll on the so called player too. There's always a backstory, which is why they're using sex as an escape mechanism. But instead of using that backstory to justify that assholeness, try and talk about mental health properly, urgh.

2. Upping and leaving after having sex doesn't show a lack of romantical connection - you don't have to hump and dump in the fear that you'll form a romantic connection. Staying is important because of the emotional attachment formed when you have sex with someone.

3. Emotional attachment after sex doesn't have a gender. And it's harmful to all genders if you perpetuate this bullshit. Girls can be into one night stands and casual sex without being romantically attracted to the person immediately afterwards and boys can feel romantically attracted to the person right after a one night stand. Fuck these stereotypes/tropes.

Having casual sex or one night stands isn't "cool", it's just a thing. It's not a cool thing, it's not a bad thing, it's just a t h i n g, with absolutely no morality attached to it. And so is not having sex - that's also simply a thing. Waiting for a special person to have sex with isn't "lame", isn't bad and not wanting to have sex at all - whatever the reason - is also VALID. Being sex positive means supporting all of this, not just one night stands and being against slut shaming.

WARNING FOR ACEPHOBIA AND AROPHOBIA

People "pitying" partners of asexual people because they believe their "needs" aren't being met are FUCKING TRASH AND SHOULD GO FUCKING PUNCH THEMSELVES IN THE FACE. Sex is not necessary for a relationship to be meaningful and valid. Sex is only an extra, for some people, it's an extra they need and for some people, it's unnecessary. Sex is not a "need" - nothing will happen to you if you don't get sex (I'm not talking about the influence of mental health on sex rn, that's a different topic altogether), except for the fact that you might remain horny most of the time, which is a YOU thing, not an another person thing. If you can't live without sex, that's on you, keep it to yourself, don't go making other people feel bad just because you want sex.

An asexual person and a sexual person can be in a long lasting, happy, meaningful, fulfilling relationship BECAUSE SEX IS NOT NECESSARY FOR A RELATIONSHIP TO BE THAT. A sexual person and another sexual person who doesn't want to have sex ever because of whatever reasons can be in a long lasting, happy, meaningful, fulfilling relationship because again, I reiterate the same.

And this might be an unpopular opinion, but breaking up with someone whom you've been in a long time relationship with, been in love with each other, like properly - just because the other person is asexual or doesn't want sex is fucked up. It. Is. Fucked. Up. It's shitty, it's mean and it's insensitive.

Yes, yes I know how people do say you deserve to be with someone who understands your kinks and lets you explore them and be comfortable in them, and that you deserve sexual gratification in a relationship - and that's valid too, but not at the expense of people who're sex aversive. And these posts don't even talk about asexual people, they need to be more inclusive. Moreover, being kinky and being asexual can exist together cause asexual people can be into kink. Kink is more than sex, it's about the feeling, so all that matters is communication and understanding between people. Sex isn't everything.

Breaking up with someone because you need sex is a personal choice, personal decision to make - but breaking up with them by making them feel bad for not being able to "fulfill your needs" is shitty and messed up.

Demonizing aromantic people who're allosexual by perpetuating microaggressions such as "oh you can have how much ever sex you want without being attached to the person" is arophobic and insensitive. And so is saying stuff like they're being a predator or objectifying people or sexualising people. Sexual attraction isn't a bad thing. How do you suppose are going to learn the importance of consent, and safe, sane and comfortable sex if you can't make a difference between objectification and thinking that someone is sexy? If you can't make a difference between wanting to have sex with someone and being a predator?

There are so many nuances and it's important to acknowledge all of them.

I feel so detached from people, my friends mostly, as if we don't have a connection anymore, as if they're just people I talk to - chat with, people behind a screen. They don't feel real. People don't feel real, my family included. I don't feel that attachment and I don't know what's wrong with me.

Moreover, when I send something and I don't get an immediate response, or even after a while, I forget about it. It's like we keep sending stuff to each other, but there's no emotional connection. As if that line has snapped.

I don't miss them with an ache in my chest, I don't miss them at all - anyway. I don't feel anything properly. I don't feel like my family is *family*, you know? That sense of being 'yours', I don't feel that with most people in my family. I don't feel like these connections are ***real***, I don't know how to explain it, I just can't feel emotions properly, I can't feel that my relationships are real, as in existing in reality (NOT real as in deep or meaningful) - everything just exists in the surface and I just want my relationships to be real as in deep and meaningful, where I feel like we have something.

I feel so much, s9 fucking much pain a n d I'm sobbing and I'n literally duckubf PRAYING TO GOD FOR THIS TO SYOP PLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASE BPD IS THE FUCKING WORST IT'S 2 25 AM AND I'M SLEEPING BETWEEN MY MOM AND GRANDMA AND I'M PULLING MY JAIR AND THE EMOTIONAL PAIN IS too MUCH I CAN'T EVEN GO AND FUCKING SRLF HARM RNNN

you think that someone understands you, that someone in your family finally gets you, but then it turns out that - nope, not really. it was all pretend, all fake, nothing deep, nothing genuine. they never understood, they tried to, maybe pretended to, but they never truly did. I opened up to my uncle about how I couldn't commit to anything and about me having no motivation and even sent him snippets from my diary about how guilty I felt that I'm wasting my family's money and effort and stuff like that, and he used it against me. He fucking used it against. He tried to get me to rejoin this online yoga class but I didn't want to, so he threatened me. He said that he'd pay for an entire year's worth of classes and I'll have to attend it then. Said that I wouldn't be able to stop in the middle cause I'd feel guilty/then it would mean I had no value for his money. I confronted him a few days after, asking him why he did that and he explained that he was concerned about my health, really, genuinely terrified because he knew how horrible bad physical health was because he, himself suffered a lot and he didn't want that for me - so even though he didn't know the impact that would have on my mental health, he knew the impact bad physical health would have on me, he kind of risked the unknown for the known (mental health for physical health). I don't agree with what he did, nor will I ever be able to open up to him again, but I understood where he was coming from and I striked a deal with him. Anyway, that's that. Then he continued proving that he doesn't truly get it. He tried to tell my mom to control me and take away my phone/laptop so that I would be forced to sleep early cause I wouldn't have anything else to do. Bear in mind that he's there's a lot of family dynamic that I'm not mentioning, so he's not the worst, or even bad, per say. But I guess I kinda jinxed it when I told my mom that he's the only one who understands me in the family a long time ago, I guess that's biting me in the ass. I don't know if I can ever open up to him or show vulnerability to anyone again - family I mean. I had told him I get bad thoughts at night, intrusive, dark thought long ago and he pointed that out today too, in front of my mom - though she was on her phone and prolly didn't hear, but still. I hate adults. I hate them. I hate them. I hate them. They're never transparent, never straight with you. They could use anything you tell them against you when they feel like they're at their wit's end. And I fucking can't. I'm fragile okay, I'm fragile and sensitive and I can't handle all this. I just want to not exist anymore - I'm NOT going to kill myself, but I just want to die.

I knew my Tumblr would glitch, so I took screenshots 🙂🙃

I feel like I'm wasting my life doing

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my social dysphoria acts up every time my cousin (9 years old) talks to me about bras, boobs and the such because it sounds like "girl talk" and it makes me feel sick, and I wish I were a boy sometimes (I'm NOT trans, I'm an agender girl, I say this because I don't want her to feel this comfortable having girl talks with me) so that she wouldn't be so open. sometimes to irritate me/annoy me, she describes how she imagines me with a saree and mailaanji and long hair and pottu and ornaments and stuff and I feel like crying and puking at the same time because I hate it I hate it I hate it, I'm not a girl I'm not a girl I'm not a girl stop stop atop

I feel this heavy nauseating feeling in my chest, throat and tummy when I hear anything akin to that, it's so revolting and I think I'm out of words to describe how fucking horrible I feel when she does stuff like this. It's not funny, gosg, it's NOT FUCKING FUNNY STO STOP STIO

And eventhough I tell her ewww and to stop saying stuff like that, she doesn't take me seriously, she's like, it's not realll, I'm just imagining it. and everyone wants me to dress decently because I'm a girl and I shouldn't be showing so much skin, revealing my body parts and other bullshit like that. AND ALL THIS IS TRIGGERRING MY SOCIAL DYSPHORIA AND FUCK EVERYTHING

I don't want to have "girl" talks with my cousins, I don't mind answering their questions - I'm one of the only people who give proper answers, so she asks me - but I don't like how it seems as a "bonding" moment, because it's not, it's not, it's not. There's nothing to bond over, I'm not like her, I'm not a girl and I hate this so fucking much. I hate when I'm considered a part of "women", and that when I grow up I may become a "wife" (I'm talking about the terms my family uses), and it sickens me. I feel disgusted and I hate it.

But I love my body. I don't gender my body, it doesn't have a gender, it's just my body, with it's parts. I don't want to be considered a girl - the identity of a girl - just because I have boobs and a vagina. I am agender. Call me a girl, but don't consider me one. Demigirl makes more sense, but I don't want to considered a girl even if it's in half. I'm agender, but the only "feminine" label I can tolerate is 'girl', maybe because it refers to young kids? and it alludes to not having an openly sexed, "female" body, but 'women' alludes to being a mature female, and it rubs me the wrong way - I don't know if this'll make sense to someone else, but it makes sense to me and I wish that's all that matters. And that is all that matters. But I want others to consider me agender too. URGH.

please :)) stop :)) sexualising :)) my :)) body :))

do adults even understand that when they tell a teenager to stop wearing sleeveless tops and short shorts, they're inadvertently sexualising their body? do they realise that when they tell a teenager to close their legs while sitting and dress decently, they're sexualising their body? do they realise that telling a teenager that they can't wear what they're comfortable with even at home, they're making it an unsafe space for them? do they realise that telling a teenager that if or when people come over and see them in those clothes, or if they step out of the door and their neighbours look into their house and see them wearing those clothes, they'll think it's shameful and indecent, hence they should stop wearing such clothes, they're thus giving more importance to other people, and placing the responsibility of not being viewed sexually on the teen? do they realise that when you tell your kid that now she's above 18 (19), she needs to understand all this, they're sexualising her body? huh?????? huhhhhh????????

ALSO, if I feel good enough in my body to wear sleeveless tops with large holes, and short shorts, then why do you care??! it's my fucking body, not yours. if you feel uncomfortable with me wearing such clothes then stop fucking looking at my with such a messed up mindset, stop regarding my body as a sexual entity. nothing is inherently sexual except for sex, get that through your fucking head. not how you keep yours legs, not what you wear, not even the kink community is sexual unless the specific acts are sexual. nudity isn't inherently sexual either. it's all about personal choice and consent and I've internalised this so much, so well, that even the slightest remark which is narrow-minded or conservative pisses me off. urgh.

Tomorrow's a sunday and I've literally spent my weekend the same way I spend the rest of my days and I feel this chronic boredom and it's choking me and I was so fucking upset and I want to cry because I'm wasting my life and not doing anything worthwhile.

you know what I realised? How conditioned we are to be mean, to be rude, to be tough. From parents being "strict" with their children, strict here translating to disrespectful, disregarding and just plain mean, to friends insulting each other and being rough with each other, scared of showing vulnerability and affection, we've become incapable of being sensitive and soft. asking someone to be nice, to be kind is mocked and unacknowledged. we've become so used to this, we consider kindness either fake - a trap, a romantic gesture or something that we refuse to accept, that we're unable to accept. why is that so? why can't we all try and unlearn this?

petition to cancel people who straightwash Achilles and Patroclus' relationship 🙂

(jk, jk...

...or am I?)

I'm sad.

I hate the fact that I'm so fucking fragile sometimes. Like, there are days when I have no energy and I like to make those days lazy days, y'know? I feel kind of numb inside, but light, and really smol™. And on these days, if anyone says or does the tiniest little thing, I get upset. Like, today for example, my socio ma'am raised her voice a little bit at me because she was getting annoyed at our class cause we weren't responding properly, and she was like I'm not talking about that when I accidentally said the wrong thing (she didn't say it in the bad way, she's an amazing person/teacher, she's my favorite) and I felt like crying, but I held it is. And then later on my grandpa scolded me for not obeying him and waking up early AT 7 (WTF, NEVER GONNA HAPPEN), and my grandma was like you better change from tomorrow before he stops saying nicely and starts getting angry and that made me sad. And then I was in a very fragile mood so I was spending a lot of time alone with myself, and then I spent some with my cousin. And after a while I was just feeling reallyyyy tired, so I stood outside looking at the sky and zoning out and she kept pushing my back, and it hurt a bit and I told her to stop it but she kept doing it, so I felt this very flat, no energy vaala anger and I told her if she does it again I'll push her back and she'll fall down because I'm strong, and she said no I won't, I don't mind, do it and I wanted to teach her a lesson so I did and she fell on her butt, and my dad started scolding me eventhough he was watching the entire thing. And that just added on to my fragile vaala mood, but I could control my tears and so I turned around to stare at the sky again after apologizing to her. But she started doing it again and I got upset and I stormed into my room and started crying. I feel so pathetic because I'm so fucking sensitive. Like, no person is this sensitive. WTF is wrong with me. A few days ago, there was this huge conflict at home, and just, I dunno. Whatever. I'm a bad person and I deserve to die.

I deleted my previous rant in the hope that my post would be posted since the reason they showed was I had reached my limit, but nope. hahahahaha🙂

When I think about sex psychology, I get so excited and ajsjskskwkle and I feel like ranting because it's SUCH an intriguing subject and I'm probably gonna specialise in it later on sometime

when you remember that Niall wrote multiple songs about girls who like to have one night stands, who didn't want to commit or want labels, without victimising himself or slut shaming them, instead promising them unconditional acceptance, respect and non judgement, and you fall more in love with him than you already have 😌

I feel so bored and lonely and empty and I want to meet someone new and form a connection and go through the getting to know them process again, but I until and unless I feel an instant "click" with someone, I feel bored if I'm talking to them online - do you see my frigging dilemma

I feel so fucking lonely

cishets™ : why do you have to make everything gay

me : we don't make everything gay, y'all made everything straight when you decided to close your eyes to how queer history actually was, and enforce heteronormativity and cissexism to such an extent that pointing out how un-cishet things actually were seems to you as if we're making everything gay, when in fact things were always already pretty much gay and you were just too bigoted to see it

me, going through bumble :

🎶where them girls at🎶

people : happy gandhi jaya-

me : no thank you

I feel like there's no point to anything. The only thing I do everyday, the entire day, is stay on my phone or my laptop or sleep or eat, nothing else. I feel so drained and demotivated and just so empty.

My mom made me get out of bed to unlock my bedroom door half an hour before my alarm went off (at 9:20, my alarm was supposed to ring at 10AM), when I slept at 5:15AM ; I missed all of my classes because I slept through them; I started writing(bullshitting) the assignment which I had to submit at 3 PM at 2:20 or so because I was having mental breakdowns thinking about it yesterday and I submitted it at 4 ; I got my period today and I'm having cramps AND I haven't eaten one single thing since now and it's 4:30PM and I genuinely feel like absolute shit and want to die.

edit : //and now my head hurts\\