Tired And Full Of Void

venting and oversharing to the void for a sec:

i try my hardest to be like “yay healing!!” but idk trauma work is hard. fanfic and fandom culture got me through the worst of the worst moments of my life. it’s alarming, because this past year i somewhat now have a life that isn’t unbearable to be present in. but today i find my brain needing to be anywhere but in the real world.

i’m 16 again, filling my head with fluffy stories where i’m not this deeply traumatized girl and things all turn out perfectly. being 16 does not feel good.

i wish things could be different,

i fear humans like a street dog. rejection after rejection, hurt after hurt, it all gets too much for my already crowded mind.

dez told me to try to put myself out there again in some way or another. and i have, i am trying. not very hard granted; i still am in this safe haven of social isolation and overworking myself in school.

but i have found someone that has proven that strangers can be kind, pure even, and is trying to steer my western brain back towards the light of the east again. he will never know the true weight of the words he writes with, and how i await responses with my tail thwapping against my bed. teeth smiling, not bared.

all i can do is pray, so i do. but god does this hurt.

the days repeat over and over and over and over and over and over and over and when and over and over and when will this end and over and over and stop please and over and over

my heart hurts, everything hurts, i leave teeth marks in everything i’ve ever loved

i’m splitting on you so hard my sebastian wilder it’s not even funny

bpd is a bitch.

i forgot how fucking delulu i get over this specific person. i need to just be fucking shot.

i miss you, but also fuck you.

Recently I went to one of my favorite museums of all times, the Muskegon Art Museum, and discovered this new bronze by UK artist, Beth Carter, Minotaur Reading. When people think of the myth of the Minotaur it’s almost always in context of his violence, his lust, his impossible body. Here all that is swept away with this monstrous form reading a small golden book. This made me crazy happy to see.