Shadetpf - Shade

sometimes i wish i could feel.

at the end of the day, i feel nothing

being drunk only enhances it.

Franz Kafka

where do you put the emptiness that feels too heavy to carry

life lately <3

- visited the science museum with my mom to donate blood, was very disappointed not to see any bacteria exhibits

- finally made a friend in my human physiology lecture!!! she got my number and we did our group quiz together :) she is pre-nursing

- drank for the first time and learned that my anxiety disappears when im tipsy-ish, also pet a stray cat

- had my first human physiology lab, not too sure about my group mates so far... but we'll see!

life is going really well, but i miss a lot of my friends who i dont see as often now.

t-1 year til pharmacy school starts hopefully. my application is due in october and my interview will be in december!! so excited!!!!

bpd culture is my mother saying everyone has to walk on eggshells when i’m around.

(girl you’re kind of one of the reasons i’m like this tho)

the rainy weather is perfect for homework

Life as I know it is changing, but unlike before, I find myself happy to see change.

I am trying to live a healthier life and it is starting to manifest as I had hoped. Here's to a great year, hopefully!

kinda feeling a little empty

i think one of the saddest parts of grief is how time robs you of indulging in it

each april, i think of that day and i try to allow myself to feel that grief, but yet i cannot grieve fully because of the people i love, the life i live, and the expectations i face now

the people who knew at the time of what happened are gone; life has taken us in different directions

now, i have no one close to me who understands what that day did to me

my family hardly remembers, the best friends i had back then have moved on, and i have a boyfriend who didn't even know me when it happened

so what am i to do? how do i explain this void in my heart that only comes around once a year during the month of april? how do i explain this inexplicable urge to curl into a ball, brought on only by the weight of my memories?

i have two events scheduled the day of. i won't even have time to waste being upset, mourning what happened to me that day. i will go out and do my social duties, conversing with my friends and peers, only to return home and regret not letting myself mourn.

it'll be 7 years. 7 years of regret. every year, april 30th comes around and i feel the weight of emptiness that day left in me. yet, i am the only one privy to it's significance. no one else understands; there is no way for me to tell anyone the truth. i don't want their pity and i don't want their concern.

i went through that day alone. i laid on my bedroom floor, weeping for what i gave up. but now i cannot do the same. time has robbed me of that chance; it has robbed me of the grief i was once allowed.

this month will be rough. 7 years is a long time to grieve. i am different than i was then, for better and for worse.

life has been so kind to me lately

Did really well on my 2nd human physiology exam!!! I'm really proud of myself cause I went in really tired and not having studied much the night before, but I think studying throughout the weeks beforehand helped a lot!!

Had another night of drinking with my friends and I felt so happy and at peace with the fact that my friends and I are living our lives the way we should 🙂

Haven't done much school work recently besides the bare minimum, but it still feels okay since I am keeping on top of it all and not falling too far behind

I applied to Pharmacy school!!! Still waiting to hear back, but I am not too worried since I have a guaranteed interview because of my program I am in. The actual interview is gonna be the hard part 🫠🫠 Hoping it goes well, but my program directors say I will do fine!!