Sophisticated-trash - Unbetitelt

I’ve been really getting into Space Orcs

Alien: Jake, what are you doing? Human: Oh, hey K’van. I’m just petting my cat. A: … what. H: Y’know, my animal companion? They use touch to express affection, so I’m petting her. A: But… is that not a predator of your world? I know of its cousins, and some of them aren’t much larger than that! You wouldn’t pet those, would you? H: First of all, if given the opportunity, and assuming they wouldn’t tear my arm off, I completely would, because I love cats. Second of all, yes, literally everything about Mittens is designed to kill. She has toe pads and a stride that make her virtually silent, whiskers that can detect the slightest movement, and retractable claws and razor sharp teeth. She can also jump, like, at least to my height. Yeah, she’s got at least two ways to kill me if she ever decided to. A: Then why would you ever domesticate a creature like this?! H: Well, we didn’t. A: I’m sorry, what? H: Yeah, they’re genetically and behaviorally identical to their ancestors. They just kinda hung around us because there were lots of rats and mice around our grain stores. A: So, you have essentially wild animals in your homes that don’t hurt you because they tolerate your presence? H: Yeah, pretty much. But they’re pretty affectionate. A: Really. H: Yeah, if we die and can’t feed them, our corpses are their last resort. A: This world is beyond screwed up.

. . . :)

Space Chefs

So I don’t know if anyone’s written about this yet, but I was trawling through the humans-are-space-orcs tag and I was hit by the sudden realization that I’ve seen nothing about space chefs. 

Space chefs must be like one of the most knowledgable professions out there, think about it:

“Alright, so this is a Crexian from Norix- that means capsicum is a deadly poison, Omega-3 will cause muscle spasms and due to the atmosphere on Norix, calcium will give them terrible diarrhea- no wait, this is a male, so Omega-3 is actually delicious–”

“–a Bio-bot, model Gamma-341, so absolutely no organic oils in anything or their systems will stop working, and for Stabby’s sake do not let anything with iron in it so much as look funny at their food–”

“–Mariddian fresh out of hibernation, shove as many protein additives into that meat as you can get away with and remember not to use salt, it fries their neural pathways–”

Like. I bet there’s an Interstellar Chef magazine in circulation full of recipes that are two pages long and then all the species that can and cannot eat it are listed for the next five. And every time a new species joins the intergalactic mess, the magazine runs a special issue as all the space chefs die a little more inside. The special issue gives a brief breakdown of the new species biology and then dives straight into what’s poison, what’s nutritional, what’s considered delicious and whats considered choke-worthy. If at all possible, the special issue also includes recipies from the species native culture while all the space chefs desperately try to figure out what dishes they can jury-rig into a new definition of edible.

They probably love humans though.

“Hey Jaxki, did you hear about the new species that the Crynsu found? They’re supposedly from a Death World, can you belie–”

“Oh fuck another speices?!?! They found three last spin and I’m still trying to figure out what to feed the Hrethad. Any word what they eat? You get the Chef before me.”

“Hold up let me look, I just got it today…void and dust!”

“Oh novas, what, can they not have water or something?”

“Jaxi these fuckers eat everything! They can digest chlorogenic acid! Some of them do it every day, by the void-loving gallon!!! And that’s just the nose of the Quarlag! This thing has a whole list of chemicals these guys consider delicious or edible and I swear to you it’s like someone mixed their list of the universe’s most common compounds with its spacing deadliest poisons!”

“Oh thank FUCK.”

Weird Humans: Supression of basic needs in face of greater goals.

Humans have a history of denying themselves basic needs in face of a greater goals. Some humans become so consumed by their set task that needs such as sleep, food, hydration, and safety are put aside. At The Gathering, one of the largest gaming conventions in Europe, a part of the volunteer crew is tasked with making rounds to check that people are following up on their basic needs for sustenance, sleep, and movement. Certain athlethes will abstain from physical contact, paeticularly sexual contact, to improve their focus before an event. Artists, office workers, soldiers, nurses - allmost every group of humans can bring forth a story, either from personal experience, or heresay, to underline the human ability to repress basic needs for a period to accomplish something.

And then you have the optimized aliens who have seen the light and have structured everything so that they have every need met at mostly any given time. Now, take this alien and put them in a group project with other humans. Who are of a mind to finish everything quickly and then slack for the rest of the allocated time. Because humans are experts at using external stimulants, such as caffeine and nicotine, to supress being tired or hunger. Because college is no joke and humans are good at riding the bullshit wave.

Imagine some haggard student introducing his alien friend to the great Student God: Bullshitticus, and his two lovely muses Thesaurata and Caffeinata. Alien never studied human religious practices and gets awed about the fact that there is a human deity dedicated to writing papers, and his muses are the personifications of a vocabulary and an external stimulant used to forcefully keep people awake. Of course human student is full of caffeine and running on spite and pizza, so they forget to mention that this god is an old tumblr meme (and aliens have actually made courses that study memes) so this Alien edits the Horrendous Human Handbook ™. The knowledge spreads and aliens are baffled. The humans familiar with this old meme will quietly laugh and pretend nothing is wrong, because humans are also masters of waiting to see if shit hits the fan in a hillarious manner.

Saturn and Neptune by Voyager II

Insult names to use instead of "idiot,"

None of these are actually meant to be hateful, if any of these have truely offensive meanings (such as the r word) that I was unaware of, please tell me so I can remove it! Tried to avoid cursing, but it contains some!

Jerk

Ass-hat

Dumb-dumb

Dummy

Doofus

Dork

Stupid

Moron

Fool

Nincompoop

Oaf

Ninny

Blockhead

Dunce

Imbecile

Jack-ass

Dope

Nit-wit

Numbskull

Simpleton

Twit

Birdbrain

Bonehead

Buffoon

Dullard

Half-wit

Knucklehead

Ignoramus

Dingbat

Dumbbell

Loser

Addlepate

Muttonhead

Cretin

Goon

Pea Brain

Dull Pencil

Mole Rat

Turd