Goncharov (1973)

Saturn and Neptune by Voyager II

Humans are weird “Tears for Everything”

Hey all. Didn’t think I would get this sort of response, but since I have. I have decided to do at least one of these “Humans are Weird or Humans are Space Orcs” every day. If you have any ideas you’d like to see me write, I’d be thankful for suggestions. 

Alien: *walks in to mess hall sees human sitting at a table crying*

Alien “Human, what is wrong. Why is your face leaking.”

*human looks up wiping eyes* 

Human: *Sorry, I’m just really upset. This is what happens when humans are upset, we cry….. There was a bombing back home, none of my family is answering.”

Alien: *walks back in later, human still crying*

Alien: “Oh no, human, are you ok? What is wrong?”

*human looks up wipes eyes again*

Human: “Oh sorry.” grins “my family just called back and they’re ok.”

Alien: *in confusion* “Why are you upset about that?”

Human: “Oh no, you misunderstand. Humans also cry when we’re happy or relieved 

Alien *rolls eyes but doesn’t question. Humans are weird after all 

Alien *returns later to see the humans in s big circle, all of them are crying so hard they are almost bent double. They have to be upset.*

Alien: “What’s wrong now?”

human: *regains breath and wipes tears from eyes, “Nothing, nothing, Jim just told a really funny joke. Laughed so hard I cried.”

Alien: *annoyed now. Walks away shaking his head*

Alien: *walks in to lab and is nearly hit by a metal trey flying towards the wall*

human: *screams in anger tears rolling down their face*

Alien: *tentatively peeks out from behind shelf* “are you alright, human?

Human: “NO I’M NOT ALRIGHT. I’M PISSED OFF!” *turns away wiping eyes*

Alien: *hurried from the room to scared to be annoyed*

human: *sneezes*

Alien: *turns around to find human’s face leaking again, exasperated* “What NOW? Why can you possibly be upset, happy, or angry NOW?”

Human: *looking confused* “I’m not any of those, my allergies are just really bad right now.”

Alien: *Sputtering in exasperation*

*out on a mission, the planet is freezing cold*

Alien: *looks at human*

Human *dribbling from the eyes and nose. this Cannot be laughter or allergies, they have to be upset*

Alien: “What’s wrong human?”

Human: *wipes nose* “Nothing, just cold.”

Alien: “You’re ****ing kidding me.”

*Human yawns. wipes eyes*

Alien “What now! What now. How can you possibly be doing this now. Are you hungry, horny or frustrated WHAT! WHAT IS THIS RIDDLE!”

*human: holds up hands wiping eyes* “nothing just tired is all”

Alien *screams in frustration*

Alien: *glares at human as human wipes their eyes*

Human: *Sees the look* “Sorry, eyes are burning. don’t know why”

Alien: *stands up* “Don’t know why. Don’t know why. Of course you don’t know why” *storms out. Opens human behavior log. scribbles our years of dedicated note taking. Writes In big bold letters*

WE KNOW NOTHING

Insult names to use instead of "idiot,"

None of these are actually meant to be hateful, if any of these have truely offensive meanings (such as the r word) that I was unaware of, please tell me so I can remove it! Tried to avoid cursing, but it contains some!

Jerk

Ass-hat

Dumb-dumb

Dummy

Doofus

Dork

Stupid

Moron

Fool

Nincompoop

Oaf

Ninny

Blockhead

Dunce

Imbecile

Jack-ass

Dope

Nit-wit

Numbskull

Simpleton

Twit

Birdbrain

Bonehead

Buffoon

Dullard

Half-wit

Knucklehead

Ignoramus

Dingbat

Dumbbell

Loser

Addlepate

Muttonhead

Cretin

Goon

Pea Brain

Dull Pencil

Mole Rat

Turd

Humans are... confusing

Human expressions confuse me a lot of the time so I can’t imagine what it would be like for an alien

Human: *drops something* oh fuck me! Alien: *blushes* Um I… umm… Human: Oh no no! Sorry! That’s just an expression we say! I don’t want you to actually… ya know *laughs* Alien: *smiles* Phew! I thought you actually wanted me to engage in sexual activities with you which worried me as I find the fleshy and hairless human form to be really quite repulsive. My mistake! Human: …cheers

After you finally finished your time machine, the first thing you did was to visit Stephen Hawking’s Party for Time Travelers in 2009. Little did you know, Hawking was planning to hijack your machine to go to the future and leave a body double behind.

the umbrella academy but there’s no context

hmmm