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Feigned Death: Rumors of Padmé Amidala’s Survival

Anyone on that planet will tell you how they grieved at Padmé Amidala’s funeral. Some know the truth. Few will admit it. She did not die in childbirth, but she knew that to protect her children that the whole galaxy had to believe that she died.

Upon her internment, she fled, hid in the outer rims and lived out of reach, in great heartbreak, out of reach of her family, her children, out of reach of him sensing her.  She lived a long life, some say even had more children and went on to help others in need, but never fulfilled, always a void, sad.

Strong rumors even spread that she made a few daring visits to her young daughter on Alderaan (fuzzy accounts exist that she visited her son on Tatooine) but that it became much too dangerous, and she had said a final goodbye to Leia at such a young age that the child would probably just hold the memory as images, nothing certain, an impression of her beauty, her heart, her longing, her pain.

“What does it matter if my grandmother had more children? They would not be strong with the Force unless she had met another Jedi as strong with the Force as my grandfather.” Ben mused.

“Wouldn’t it matter to you that you have more family out there? This stranger pushed. “Perhaps they aren’t strong with the Force, but perhaps there are more ways to be powerful in this galaxy. Perhaps they would have stories from your grandmother about your grandfather.”

She hadn’t decided if it was wise or not to hint at these stories passed down amongst her people from the descendants of the Amidalas, but it was too late to take back what she had just implied. And her intention was to remain silent no matter what his next words were because she felt like that she had just revealed the location of Padme’s descendants although she didn’t even know where that was. 

She questioned herself on why she felt the need to share all this with him, only knowing him for these few months, but she also knew the answer to the questions that she posed to herself about why she felt so compelled to share details with just him.

she sensed Kylo’s excitement, and his hunger—as if he were a beast finally freed to confront its tormenters

You Cannot Always Trust in Hope

Light Side Fallacies: Rey Sets Herself Up, Again, for Disappointment

Sometimes the things you hope for so dearly, with intense energy and focus, will never come to fruition. And you hope and hope and have faith in in and faith in hope, but it will never come to be. Many on the light side fall into this trap.

When Kylo Ren told Rey who her parents were, all her hopes of them coming back or being people of more importance, hope that they had to give her up reluctantly, and maybe once loved her, all that disintegrated. 

Although, as many do, I do wonder if he is even telling her the truth, if he even has any knowledge of who her parents are. How does he know? Like a good dark side disciple, he may just be taking advantage of this fierce vulnerability of hers. Her trust in the good in people leaves her gullible to believe him, his lies. 

Well, in her defense, how can one resist anything that pours forth from those delicious lips? I would happily lap up just about anything from them.

With his revelation, true or not, she was forced to stop. To give up hope…in them.

Sometimes we have to do that; sometimes hope is not enough to make it so, and sometimes someone in our life has to distinguish that hope for us because we are stubborn and want to believe that if we just trust to hope that this thing we most long for can actually come to be. Sometimes there will be no happy ending to one of our life’s stories no matter how much we hope for it.

But it provides a moment to move on, a moment to channel that sometimes obsessive energy into something new that could be. Rey also has hope that Kylo Ren can be redeemed, will she again put trust in hope with the possibility that she will have to accept that hoping something will not always make it so? 

Now that she’s given up on the dream that is her parents, coming back to her, revealing their identity, she has that energy to place hope in Kylo Ren. Is she setting herself up again for disappointment? (I hope so, as I do not want Kylo Ren to be redeemed; I can’t lose my dark side cupcake.)  

Oh how those on the light side willfully delude themselves with hope. 

Hey, my variant cover to issue 50 of Marvel’s Star Wars comic hits the stands today. Thought it’d be fun to look back at my Star Wars covers for Marvel thus far.

There is this artist whose work I truly love on an unfathomable visceral level.

This drawing is one of the many beautiful examples of their creation. For the love of all that is holy and unholy, please check them out and give them a follow! 

Link: https://www.instagram.com/mlptte

(Edit: sorry I’m not normally so blatant but their art does move me on an unprecedented emotional and intellectual scale)

Hopefully Hapless Introverted Romantic

An introvert attracted to someone easily slips into obsessively imagining as the desire to connect with someone drowns within the inability to socialize, to get through the insignificant chatter with a stranger that allows the introvert’s preferred social medium to come into being. As each of those desired moments with the desired slips by, as the fear of being alone with that delicious stranger keeps those very moments unattainable the introvert channels that deep desire into obsession. A continuous imagining of what could be if she could just be more social, could deliver the charming small talk to win the interest of the other person, drives her into her imagination, building a relationship within that universe that she has total control, where her introversion is the charm, where the one she desires brings down that barrier not so she can take on extroverted traits but so her genuine thoughtfulness, insights and vibrancy naturally flow.  How she desires that this person has the patience to understand her introversion, to look into her eyes and see her life and is willing to wait for this seemingly quiet stranger to find the significant words to make a conversation charming because the words are worthwhile.

If you are an introvert, find some way to connect, find some way to interact with those you deeply desire to know so you don’t spend your time writing down the obsessive imaginations of relationships you hoped you had because you could control the social awkwardness, because even know, this introvert is writing stories of love affairs she wished that she could have and is still getting stuck in those social situations that introverts dread. And I’m not even writing great ways for the introvert to conquer those situations because I’m not sure how to conquer them; it’s still a stumbly, awkward mess of staccato words and looks and gesticulations that sometimes murder a relationship between two otherwise largely compatible and loving people.

Diluting Your Other Half

“Vltava, also known as Die Moldau (German name), was composed between 20 November and 8 December 1874 and was premiered on 4 April 1875. It is about 12 minutes long, and is in the key of E minor. In this piece, Smetana uses tone painting to evoke the sounds of one of Bohemia’s great rivers. The composition follows the river Vltava (German: Moldau), from where it starts as two small springs — one cold water and one warm water spring — which then merge together.”

Marriage of many things attempts this kind of merge and marriages often fail, although failure is met with denial. Or maybe it succeeds or is called success when the two souls dilute each other into something plain, paled, warm.

Cognitive Struggle Experienced, Simultaneously, by the “The Force Awakens” Audience and the Film’s Villain: Part 2

A Sith Scholar work-in-progress (Draft of the second section of my current research, and a bit dated)

Restraints and the Stress of Keeping a Secret

Kylo Ren is not skilled in showing restraint. His mask is literally on but figuratively off because he reveals his emotional state. We cannot see any facial expression when he is angered, but it’s manifested in physical violence.  When he first unmasks himself he shows incredible restraint as Rey refuses to tell him voluntarily about BB8. Not only does he remain calm when she refuses to tell him and gets sarcastic, he doesn’t throw a fit. He’s almost bragging about his restraint at this time Rey is restrained in a chair capable of many tortures. He tells Rey, “you know I can take anything I want.” He remains calm and uses the Force to look into her mind.  Her secrets are revealed and soon after are his. Revealing a secret releases stress. 

According to “Incognito,” if we keep a secret, we're protecting a confidence, which is what we think we want to do.  But there's an urge to spill the beans because another part of the brain knows it will relieve stress in our bodies” (Eagleman). When Ren uses telepathy, he relies on his victim’s brain’s urge to reveal a secret to extract the information he wants. He makes that urge harder to resist. Rey’s secrets about her loneliness are revealed, and she must have felt some stress relief, a release of pleasure for which she had to credit Ren. However, she never gets to reveal her secret of the map. 

(Imagine the stress of other secrets kept in this saga: secret of Luke and Leia’s parents; Anakin’s father, Anakin and Padme’s secret relationship; Finn not telling Rey he’s a stormtrooper gone AWOL; those in the film and makers of the film keeping the secret about Rey’s parentage -- all these people with extra stress from keeping their secrets!)

In return, Rey provides stress relief to Ren by revealing his secret fear that he won’t be “as strong as Darth Vader.” He is unable to remain restrained after she resists him, but he doesn’t harm her. He voluntarily, literally unmasked himself for Rey, but, under Rey’s control, he involuntary, figuratively unmasked himself. He heads in a panic, still unmasked, literally and figuratively vulnerable and exposed to consult with Snoke. He’s so distracted he doesn’t realize that Hux was right behind him, eager to tell Snoke that Ren’s the one that decided that all they needed was the girl. Ren was either completely sure that he could read Rey’s mind and get the information Snoke wanted, or something inside him wanted to delay the First Order locating the Resistance.  The latter is what Hux wants Snoke to infer. Hux wants to reveal that Ren intentionally defied Snoke’s orders. Ren’s pull to the light is, again, evident here.

Although he defied Snoke, possibly confirming his pull to the light, he still seeks belonging and approval through the dark side. His inability to get the map and letting the droid go, defying Snoke’s orders, will not get him the approval from Snoke that he so desires. To try to make things right he must retrieve Rey, but she is gone. His attempts at restraining himself are done, he ignites his lightsaber and destroys his interrogation room. He finds relief in not restraining, not holding his emotions, not keeping them a secret, as explained in Kornhaber’s article, “Darth Vader 2.0,″ “...what sets Ren apart is that “he’s full of emotion,” which at first sounds like a platitude but then seems like an important distinction—while Vader worked to conceal his conflicted feelings …” (Kornhaber). As obsessed as he is, as much as a fan he is and wants to be like Vader, his lack of restraint keeps him from being like Vader, which probably further fuels his tantrums.

Kylo Ren likely still loves his family – which is why he is so conflicted. Hearing that the droid fell into the hands of his father, knowing the resistance, led by his mother must have made certain feelings resurface. Certainly feelings of resentment resurfaced, fueling his desire to ally with the dark side, but certainly any fond memories or feelings for his parents he had resurfaced as well.

So if Kylo Ren is a humanoid, the impact of sending him away must be similar to the impact it might have on a human adolescent here on earth sent away to boarding school. Dr. Joy Schaverien in a 2011 paper in The British Journal of Psychiatry, argued that boarding schools "can cause profound developmental damage" (Schaverien). 

So one can imagine that on top of the genetic burden Ben Solo carries that these feelings he has of being sent away to the Jedi Academy are akin to those felt by children sent away to boarding school. So much is set up against a well-adjusted adolescence that it cannot be surprising that he is vulnerable, attracted to the dark side. It should not be surprising that as a young adult that he is not emotionally well-developed or balanced. He has big issues stemming from the legacy he carries in his blood and the circumstances he faced in his formative adolescent years. This is not to excuse his behavior, but it might help to explain a lot and show that there are multi-dimensions to this villain that many try to keep in a one dimensional category.

We see this manifested when they fail to get the droid from Jakku. Hux proposes to use their weapon to destroy the republic which supports the resistance. Kylo Ren turns to look at Hux as Snoke approves the suggestion. Hux knows that this hits close to home for Ren. His parents are protected by the resistance military forces, thus this is a threat to his family. And still being conflicted, this shows that it worries him.  Later, when Hux proposes using the weapon against the resistance, Ren begs Snoke for guidance to get the information from Rey. He is desperate to please Snoke but he is not ready to be implicit in the death of his parents at the Resistance base, perhaps desperate to save them as well.

When he confronts his father, who it’s apparent he has bitter feeling towards, we find out, when he reads Rey’s mind and senses her fondness for Han, he is calm, not in a rage, tearful. The scene begins with him masked, but his father persuades him to unmask himself. He submits to his father’s will by removing the mask. And now he stands literally unmasked and he tries to maintain a facade of toughness, disregard for his father in this stand-off.  However, he flinches when approached by Han. I don’t think that even at the moment they were eye to eye that Ren knew if he was going to join his father or kill his father. 

I am convinced that his words, “I want to be free of this pain.” were a genuine cry for help, a moment he was ready to ask to come home, a step towards the relief in revealing his secret that he just wants to rejoin his family. As a fan, I wanted that so much for that to be true, for this tension to result in a reunion, for Leia and Han’s son to go home so we can see them become a family again. But as a film viewer, that would have been too easy solution to this conflict; it would have been unsatisfactory. So I was fearful of what was to come next; I was yelling in my head to Han Solo, “RUN!” And although Han really could not escape, I thought that maybe Ren would attempt something but that maybe Chewie would intervene and maybe Han would just get badly hurt. I was not prepared for Ren to do what he did.

As the light changes to red, something makes him decide that he will seek the relief by making the decision to kill his father. And in igniting that lightsaber and holding it intently into his father, he face is so sinister and hate-filled. As he backs away he does sign in anticipation of a sense of relief for revealing the degree of hate he felt for his father. He had been mourning the metaphoric loss of his father for a long time, and it’s a loss that he acted to make real and permanent. But he knows deep down that he did not hate his father enough to feed a murderous rage. And he dons a figurative mask, feigning relief in making this final act to bring him to the dark side, but those dark, doe eyes keep the audience from believing that.

During the firing of the Starkiller base weapon passing by Ren’s ship (the finalizer), the camera is positioned behind him then the view is switched to a head on shot of his masked face. The glare of the weapon’s beam is reflected on his mask, but no emotion is shown.  Ren knows that this show of Force brings the First Order closer to destroying the resistance, his mother, if he is unable to track down the map to Luke. We supply the gravity of this moment as Lisa Zunshine explains with the Kuleshov Effect, where images are juxtaposed with expressionless faces, the audience supplies emotion (80). We supply the emotion of this scene--Ren’s thoughts because we know he was trying to prevent this action from happening. “What drives our interpretation of a character’s mental state are our earlier interpretations of other mental states.” (81) We know that he is conflicted, that he feels remorse in destroying the Republic – this is part of the conflict, the “light” he feels pulling him away from the dark side.

The audience is conflicted about Ren because he is the product of one of our favorite couples, and we want him to choose a path that makes them proud of him, that honors all for that they fought. The audience is also conflicted because of the ways this villain tries hard to compare to, but mostly contrasts Darth Vader. He is not the ruthless villain Darth Vader was for the audience of Episode IV and V. Compounding this conflict is Ren’s unmasking. Darth Vader was not unmasked until the very end of his life. Ren doesn’t even need a mask, but he willingly reveals himself to his enemy, Rey. 

The audience’s conflict about Kylo Ren grows because his unmasking reveals the actor’s face, and many may have worked to reconcile the other roles in which they’ve seen this actor with his portrayal of Ren. As Zunshine explains, “In film the actor adds another dimension to the character, an extra level to process.” So not only is this character the son of a favorite couple, he is also a character from another story. However, the filmmakers have done such an incredible job distancing him from his other known role. Many of the Star Wars actors first became known to the audience through the Star Wars films, but the actor who played Ren was a familiar face to many of the audience members. 

I was in the position of seeing this actor for the first time as Kylo Ren and not as any of the other characters he has portrayed. However, I have since seen him in his role in other films and the TV show, “Girls,” and I am impressed on how different and convincing he is in these different roles. Something about the films made him look very different from the character he plays in “Girls,” and I can’t quite pinpoint what those particular strategies are in the film besides his acting: lighting, hairstyle, angles, costuming, makeup perhaps. Something was done to make him distinct in this film. I wonder if the audience that had seen him in the TV show “Girls” before seeing him as Kylo Ren think that his appearance is really different between the two productions. Part of me still believes that this is not the same actor, and I want to know why, even though Adam Sackler on “Girls” behaves somewhat like Kylo Ren when he gets frustrated. As commented on in The Atlantic, “I can imagine Driver-as-bad-guy being a bit petulant and petty, not unlike his Girls character in a bad mood, or like Loki, the one successful Marvel movie villain thus far.”

My impression and assessment of Kylo Ren is compounded by this actor. As Zunshine explains, “Once the actor’s face gets factored into the equation, our mind-reading adaptations have some-thing extra to process” (85). The filmmakers and Adam Driver have done a spectacular job making Kylo Ren look nothing like the other characters that Driver has played.  The filmmakers have done an incredible job showing Kylo Ren’s many faces. Of course, there is the Kylo Ren we see with a mask. Then there is Kylo Ren unmasked, not repulsive to Rey nor the audience, actually quite attractive to many when he is interrogating her. When he rushes to Snoke unmasked, the angles are not flattering. His crooked nose and teeth are accentuated. But when he confronts them in the snow battle, he is almost more youthful, even his voice sparks of innocence, “We’re not done.” But most of all, he does not look like Adam Sackler of “Girls” or other films that this actor has been in. When he shouts “traitor” it hints of ugliness, but then during the scene he is an attractive sight. When he has Rey backed against the chasm and tells her, “You need a teacher” his desperation is manifested in an unflattering angle, but these moments that he is unmasked depicted in an unflattering light or angle are not as dominant as the attractive face, and attractiveness is typically associated with the hero, the light side, further emphasizing his conflict and pull to the light. I don’t want him redeemed because I love my dark side cupcake, but in this film, it sets it up so that result would not be a surprise.

Flailing, Failing My Muse

And just like that it’s gone. The thoughts the inspiration the desire the motivation to write my thoughts to reminisce to put in motion the first step in one of many big big plans is gone. The loud music in the car bringing me to tears the compulsion to jot it down to get one step closer to the goal is gone.  I just want to lay in bed and watch another episode of Star Trek the Next Generation, one I’ve seen many times before and just be satisfied with someone else’s writing, someone else’s ideas, someone else’s desires, someone else’s thoughts I wish. I think of them as my friends, as a group of people, the kinds of people I wish I had in my life but don’t. 

My social life is Facebook. I wish for a group of people wanting to take me out for my birthday or a group that wouldn’t miss coming over to my house for a birthday party for me. But I am not a good friend to anyone so do not deserve such.  I’d like to write a short story about one student night at Rock City. Those nights in Nottingham were some of the most fun nights of my life. I was the person I had dreamed of being, and I liked what that place and my friends who went with me brought out in me. 

I try not to dwell on the fact that I live in this “suburbland” vortex I swore to leave and never return to. It’s not a bad place but not the place I want to be. I don’t reject it because the here and now is what I have and must embrace it. But I need it to be temporary. 

I think about all I want to accomplish and juggle and how I’ve taken the first step towards many of those goals but never go back to take the second. It’s just like my writing. One step, never to return. Never to do anything about it. I’m tired and I imagine, “Oh, I’ll go to bed now and wake up early and work on some things. But I won’t. I have this conversation with myself over and over and over and over again but end up back here.  

If only this might help someone or be of slight amusement it might be worth something...it’s just the cycle I keep on full force. I need inspiration I tell myself, I need time, I need this, no I just need to work on it but I don’t. I make slight progress but nothing, nothing significant. I’m stuck here because I choose to be, and that is depressing. But I don’t want to let myself get depressed but I don’t want to delude myself. 

What is it? It is in the late nights I think, but I’m so exhausted, I’m not thinking well, I just want to shut down, but then I lie in bed and wallow in the what if and what I want to do and then I don’t get enough sleep before I’m woken up and need to attend to the requirements of the day. 

Wasted wasted wasted decade doing nothing to get to where I want to be. 

Dreaming only dreaming, believing it was enough to just want something badly and not doing anything about it. 

Now I scramble between desires and make no significant progress. Not uninspired but lazy. Unfocused on the lack of result instead of focusing on what I am doing. Now I feel like I want to lie down and stare at an electronic device and just daydream about how great I can be. I’m so tired of having this conversation with myself and even more tired about writing about this conversation with myself, but I’m stuck. I’m stuck and will seek some exotic trigger to get all this inspiration organized into a plan of action and, possibly find one, and repeat this all over again.

Kyloha

A (tiny, crocheted) shirtless Master of the Knights of Ren visits Oahu 

My sister lives in Oahu and made these dolls for me, so I had to go pick them up. I decided to make this Flat-Stanley-esque photo essay with my adorable Kylo Ren. 

I arrived with a trooper escort but soon got into the Aloha spirit and gave the trooper the week off.

View from the balcony of my accommodations. I don’t want to give away the name of the place lest they be flooded with visitors wanting to sleep in the same bed that I graced.

Taking Uber makes it easy to get around the island, away from the crowds

Enjoying a guava dumpling for breakfast at Island Brew Coffeehouse in Hawaii Kai

Halona Cove Lookout. This is a much prettier seaside location than where I “hooked up” with Rey, but it messed up my hair.

Halona Cove Lookout

At Koko Crater Botanical Gardens, I really felt the Aloha flowing through me. The Plumerias were beautiful and smelled almost as intoxicating as Rey.

At Makapu’u Beach working on my tan

Thought I heard some Resistance Scum nearby

Some shopping at Manoa Chocolate Factory. I hope Rey likes chocolate.

Rum tasting at KoHana Distillery

I wanted to see what they aging barrels look like, so I sliced them open.

Laie Church of Latter Day Saints Temple. Much better than any Jedi Temple

Going to find Rey a Hello Kitty sticker at Don Quijote

Happy Hour at Buho Cantina in Waikiki

It was taco Tuesday

I had a lot to drink. Met this cute, but very drunk, girl and her friends. She was strong with the Force and kept trying to touch my saber. I was a bit drunk, so I hope Rey understands.

Went for a ride with her on her Biki. I was too drunk to pedal the thing, but she wasn’t in a much better state to be pedaling, either, so we parked it.

Duke Kahanamoku statue on Waikiki Beach. He must have been as awesome to his people as I am.

Couldn’t find another Biki to rent, so I Force-choked a local and took this cruiser.

Breakfast on the last day of the trip

Alohi cakes with Guava jam and banana sour cream. I think Rey would like these.

Seeing if this banyan tree might be a Force tree while waiting for my tour of the Iolani Palace.

Darth Vader’s castle was much better than Iolani Palace.

Some final souvenir shopping at Ala Moana Mall

I hope Rey likes cookies

Waiting to board my flight. My saber needs some repairs. I had a great trip. Think I got a bit of a tan, too. I hope Rey likes that.

“Advice” for Women Suffering Period “Discomfort” with Commentary (or How I Learned to Want a Menstruation Hut)

Source: “Can’t Sleep While You’re On You’re Period? Here’s Why  from The Huffington Post

Your body temperature rises over the course of your menstrual cycle

Your core body temperature rises between a half and a whole degree during your period. This can be a problem because an evening drop in body temperature is one of the main biological triggers that makes you feel sleepy.

How to fix it: Make sure your bedroom is cooled to optimal sleeping temperature: about 60-67 degrees Fahrenheit. ….[Trick] your body into drowsiness with a warm bath or shower, because moving from warm water to your cool bedroom will make your body temperature drop. And consider sleeping with fewer covers.

Take a warm, soothing, comforting shower then expose yourself to un-comforting cold. Just stop feeling so icky; just take off the blanket and the other blanket and the other one.

Mood swings make you feel anxious or depressed  

Period-related mood swings are very normal; hormones like estrogen and progesterone drop right before your period, making you experience negative emotions more strongly. And anxiety and depression make it tough to fall asleep at night.

How to fix it: First, just being aware that some of your mood swings can be attributed to hormones can help ease the problem, by untangling your mind-body matrix. So consider tracking your period with an app or on a calendar. During your period itself, you can try deep breathing, meditation or yoga to relax and unwind before bedtime.

NO FUCKING SHIT! Mood swings make you feel anxious or depressed or both! But just think it away. Simply tell yourself, “eh, I’m on my period. That’s why I’m moody. Ok. Back to being well-adjusted.” Let me just set up an app or calendar so I can have alerts for these miserable days. Being aware will make it all better.

Then take your period achy body and contort it into positions that might not feel natural to your inflexible corporeal self. Obsess further on the negative thoughts that will send you spiraling into a deeper depression.

Nausea, indigestion, and other stomach issues make it tough to fall or stay asleep.

You may have noticed digestive upsets during menstruation such as indigestion, nausea or diarrhea, all of which can disrupt sleep.

How to fix it: Although you may be tempted by ice cream, chocolate or other comfort foods…[avoid] heavy meals before bedtime. Instead, try one of these snacks that can actually help you sleep, like toast, trail mix or plain rice.

Yummmmmmmmmmmy! Browned bread, nuts and raisins or the stuff my raw fish lays on in my sushi instead of creamy ice cream or sweet, comforting chocolate. Why does anyone suffer from period pain when these delicious foods are available? After all, these are same tasty foods that are recommended to people who are nauseous or have diarrhea.  

Cramps, headaches and muscle pain can make it hard to get comfortable.

This one’s a no-brainer: For many women, periods = pain, whether that’s through cramps or generalized muscle pain. Left untreated, this pain can make it hard to get comfortable enough to fall asleep.

How to fix it: Try changing your sleep position, adding or subtracting pillows, or using a heating pad to relieve pressure. You can also pop a mild painkiller like Tylenol or Advil to relieve discomfort. But, Dr. Duncan cautions, don’t overdo it: If you regularly take Advil or other painkillers, you can actually experience withdrawal when you quit, which can make the problem worse. “Know your own body,” Duncan says.

When it comes to headaches, a small amount of caffeine can be helpful, but overdoing it can have the opposite effect. To make sure you’re tired enough to fall asleep, Duncan recommends cutting caffeine out altogether in the afternoon.

Can’t sleep? Toss and turn. Move the pillows around in various places in and around under and between body parts (Are you still trying to sleep with the blankets on? Tsk. Tsk.) 

Take a painkiller…but wait, not too many. You don’t want to make your period give you withdrawal symptoms or liver damage now do you? 

Didn’t we mention earlier that your period will make you tired? Okay because don’t try to use caffeine to help you get through your day if it’s already the afternoon. 

And for pain, wait, I have the blanket off to keep cool, but should I use a heating pad?

Your cycle actually causes insomnia

During your period, your body’s levels of the hormone progesterone drop dramatically. This can make it hard to sleep because progesterone is a “soporific” hormone, meaning it has a mild sedative effect. (Higher-than-usual progesterone is also why you may feel sleepy the week before your period, during PMS.)

The fix: Again, Duncan recommends avoiding caffeine for several hours before bed because it will exacerbate the issue. And the week before your period, recognize the fact that increased progesterone increases your need for sleep, and try going to bed 30 minutes earlier. Or take a 20 minute power nap, suggests Duncan. You can also keep a sleep log or make a sleep schedule to regularize your bedtime, and note any fluctuations in sleep behavior for next month.

Duncan suggests one thing that can blunt many of these symptoms: any type of hormonal birth control (like the pill or a certain IUDs). “Any hormonal birth control decreases the fluctuation in estrogen and progesterone that is responsible for nearly all of these symptoms,” says Duncan. “So an added benefit of these forms of contraception can be better sleep!”

While you’re deep in the pit of despair from depression and bawling uncontrollably because your crush doesn’t exist in real life or simply because you dropped your child off at school, or you yell at the CVS cashier because he’s trying to save you money on your feminine hygiene needs, sure, take a moment to just be logical and recognize that your progesterone is increasing and you should take a nap or go to bed early. 

So what if you’re a single mother who has to work 2 jobs or stay up late grading papers or have a child who broke out in hives – forget all that. Throw in a power nap that you usually askew on non-PMS or period days simply because you don’t need it, not because you have absolutely no free time. Do laundry or power nap because I’m on my period? Shower or power nap because I’m on my period? Leave my child unsupervised because I need to get to bed early? 

Go on the pill? Bitch, this is all happening and I’m already on the pill!

Isn’t there just a magic pill? One thing I can take to help to make this all go away? 

Painaway Advertisement

Having a period is a natural thing. Didn’t mother nature make sure there were things in nature that can help relieve this. What about supplements? Hold on. Let me try another source.

Source: unknown

So, shit, being on my period, my memory is impaired, and I forgot to keep track of where the following information on supplements came from. Being certain I will be busted for plagiarism will give me something to fixate my sharpened anxiety on as I lay awake from insomnia.

A number of supplements have been shown to help ease PMS symptoms by improving metabolic function and hormone metabolism. Here are the superstars:

Magnesium citrate or glycinate — Take 400 to 600 mg a day.

Calcium citrate — Take 600 mg a day.

Vitamin B6 — Take 50 to 100 mg a day along with 800 mcg of folate and 1,000 mcg of vitamin B12.

Evening primrose oil — Take two 500mg capsules twice a day.

EPA/DHA (omega 3 fats) — Take 1,000 mg once or twice a day.

Taurine — Take 500 mg a day to help liver detoxification.

A good daily multivitamin (all the nutrients work together)

Herbs and phytonutrients can also be very helpful. Here are the best studied and most effective:

Chasteberry fruit extract (Vitex Agnus-astus) can help balance the hormones released by the pituitary gland that control your overall hormone function. Studies of over 5,000 women have found it effective. Take 100 mg twice a day of a 10:1 extract.

Wild yam (Dioscorea villosa) and cramp bark (Viburum opulus) can help regulate cycles and relieve menstrual cramps.

Dandelion root can help with liver detoxification and works as a diuretic.

Isoflavones from soy, red clover, or kudzu root improve estrogen detoxification by boosting the activity of specific detox enzymes. They can be taken as supplements or consumed in the diet.

Flax seeds contain lignans that help balance hormone metabolism and block the negative effects of excess estrogens.

Chinese herbal formulas may also help. One of the most effective is Xiao Yao San, or Rambling Powder. It contains: Bupleurum Root (Bupleurum chinense), Chinese Peony Root (Paeonia lactiflora), Dong Quai Root (Angelica sinensis), Bai-Zhu Atractylodes Root (Atractylodes macrocephala), Poria Sclerotium (Poria cocos), Ginger Rhizome (Zingiber officinale), Chinese Licorice Root (Glycyrrhiza uralensis),and Chinese Mint Leaf (Mentha haplocalyx)

Replacing healthy bacteria in the gut also helps normalize estrogen and hormone metabolism. Take 5 to 10 billion live organisms in a daily probiotic supplement.

For intractable cases, I will occasionally use topical, natural bioidentical progesterone in the last two weeks of the menstrual cycle. The usual dose is ½ tsp (20 to 40 mg) applied at night to thin skin areas for the last two weeks of the menstrual cycle.

Oh, good, only 15 – FIF-TEEN! – supplements, herbs, and phytonutrients to take. Do I fucking use all of them? Where the fuck do I even get these? 

Source: “13 Ways to Deal with Menstrual Insomnia” from Reader’s Digest

Adjust your pill times

On the other hand, if you’re already taking another medication that has drowsiness as a side effect, ask your doctor if you can take that drug an hour before bed instead of whenever you’ve been taking it. A side effect like drowsiness can work against you during the day, but you can use it to your advantage at night.

Oh shit! Which one of those 15 supplements will make me drowsy and which will keep me awake so I can follow advice about not taking medications that might keep me awake?

Watch out for wild cards

“Some women may have other conditions that worsen during their cycle,” says Dr. Moline, and any associated sleepiness may become exaggerated, possibly because of changes in blood volume. When blood volume increases, your blood levels of medication may drop outside the therapeutic window.  

If sleepiness may become exaggerated then why is there insomnia still a symptom?  As for the blood level thing, do I need to take extra doses of supplements for them to have an effect?

Kill the pain

If pelvic pain keeps you up during your period, talk to your doctor about taking an over-the-counter NSAID (non-steroidal anti-inflammatory drug) like ibuprofen, plus a vitamin B complex and magnesium supplement. And don’t forget the old remedies of a heating pad or sex to relieve the pain. You can also often block the chemicals that produce pain with a daily aerobic workout. 

Again with a heating pad but try to stay cool by keeping off the covers. Oh, aerobic exercise! Sure that’s what I’m motivated to do when it feels like my uterus is being inflated into an iron maiden, and I’m tired because the other source told me that I might be so tired that I should take a power nap. Should I schedule the aerobic exercise before of after the power nap that I squeeze in by avoiding eating or spending time with my child? 

And kill the pain with sex? Well, I ruined that possibility while I was PMS-ing. The guy I might consider having sex with almost lost his head when I tried to bite it off after I misinterpreted something he said the other day. This was after I threw my drink in his face. After my PMS-yelling-and-sobbing-for-forgiveness fit, I did straddle him, but for some reason, he wasn’t interested in sex, then, so I’m not so sure he’d be willing now. Besides, I’m too damn tired to fuck because my god-damned period causes fatigue.

Pay Attention To Basics

Increase the likelihood you’ll sleep by creating a restful environment. Make your sleep area a comfortable, dark place in which you feel safe. Keep soothing teas and herbal hot packs within reach.

Wait, keep hot drinks and hot packs near me while I sleep when I’m supposed to try to keep myself cool, kicking off the blankets? What? I’m so fucking confused and more irritable from this advice than I was when I desperately began seeking advice for relief of this misery of menstruation.  

Stick with just a nibble

Menstruating women sometimes get so hungry they seem to eat every couple of hours. But eating heavily right before bed could leave you wide awake with an overly full belly. If you’re hungry close to bedtime, stick with just a bite or two of something light, like a few nuts. Find out the best foods to eat during your period here.

So this is even more restrictive than the other source’s advice. Just nuts. Not even the toast or rice. But like the other advice: No chocolate. No ice cream. No bag of chicharrones. No cans of frosting. What about all those 15 supplements suggested by that other source? That’s more than a nibble…

Channel your thoughts

Focus on things you love, like the flowers you might put in the garden next spring or remembering taking your kids to see the ocean for the first time. Trying to work out problems right now will only leave you wide-eyed and anxious.

Oh, my fucking god! Shut the fuck up! Fucking, fuck are you fucking kidding me? Flowers? Kids? Yes that is all those of us with a uterus love: Flowers and kids. Fuck! Are you fucking kidding me? Seriously? Fuck! 

My advice: Menstruation Hut

I know, I know that the idea of hiding away women in a menstruation hut is a horrible, deadly reality for some women around the world, and the Red Tent effort to make the menstruation hut a positive experience by bringing women together in this small shelter is not my idea of a good time, even when not on my period. 

However, my version of a menstruation hut would be to isolate myself for the safety of others and myself. No way do I want a bunch of other women in there bugging the shit out of me. It would be a place I could go to upon the onset of PMS and through the end of bleeding. I would need to have someone lock me in there, cut off my access to social media, stock it with lots of Kleenex, a heavy bag, a baseball bat, padded walls, a soaker tub and shower, comfort foods and sedatives, lots and lots of sedatives. 

My menstruation hut could, hell, should really just be a state of unconsciousness. My worst PMS is usually on Saturday and I’m done bleeding by Thursday. So once a month, just knock me unconscious from Sunday to Thursday. And I, and the world, will be better for it.

Adam as Kylo Ren in The Last Jedi  (2017)

P.D: Please note the wind in his hair , the scar and his beautiful lips ♥

Love can ignite the stars.

6 Ways You Are Safer Thanks to NASA Technology

By now everyone knows that we are to thank for the memory foam in your mattress and the camera in your cell phone. (Right? Right.)

But our technology is often also involved behind the scenes—in ways that make the products we use daily safer and stronger, and in some cases, that can even save lives.

Here are some examples from this year’s edition of Spinoff, our yearly roundup of “space in your life”:

Impact Testing

What happens to your car bumper in an accident? When does it crumple and when does it crack? And are all bumpers coming off the assembly line created equal?

These types of questions are incredibly important when designing a safe car, and one technology that helps almost every U.S. automobile manufacturer find answers is something we helped develop when we had similar questions about the Space Shuttle.

Before flying again after the Columbia disaster in 2003, we had to be sure we understood what went wrong and how to prevent it from ever happening again. We worked with Trilion, Inc. to develop a system using high-speed cameras and software to analyze every impact—from the one that actually happened on the Shuttle to any others we could imagine—and design fixes.

Finding Survivors

We’re pretty good at finding things you can’t see with the naked eye—from distant exoplanets to water on Mars.

But there are also plenty of uses for that know-how on Earth.

One example that has already saved lives: locating heartbeats under debris.

Engineers at our Jet Propulsion Laboratory adapted technology first devised to look for gravity fluctuations to create FINDER, which stands for Finding Individuals for Disaster and Emergency Response and can detect survivors through dense rubble.

We have licensed the technology to two companies, including R4, and it has already been used in natural disaster responses, including after earthquakes in Nepal, Mexico City, Ecuador, and after Hurricane Maria in Puerto Rico.

Fighting Forest Fires

As we have seen this year with devastating wildfires in California, forest fires can spread incredibly quickly.

Knowing when to order an evacuation, where to send firefighters, and how to make every other decision—all amid a raging inferno—depends on having the most up-to-date information as quickly as possible.

Using our expertise in remote sensing and communicating from space, we helped the U.S. Forest Service make its process faster and more reliable, so the data from airborne sensors gets to decision makers on the front line and at the command center in the blink of an eye.

Safer, Germ-Free Ambulances 

When paramedics come racing into a home, the last thing anybody is worrying about is where the ambulance was earlier that morning. A device we helped create ensures you won’t have to.

AMBUstat creates a fog that sterilizes every surface in an ambulance in minutes, so any bacteria, viruses or other contaminants won’t linger on to infect the next patient.

This technology works its magic through the power of atomic oxygen—the unpaired oxygen atoms that are common in the upper reaches of Earth’s atmosphere. We’ve had to learn about these atoms to devise ways to ensure they won’t destroy our spacecraft or harm astronauts, but here, we were able to use that knowledge to direct that destructive power at germs.

Air Filters 

Did you know the air we breathe inside buildings is often up to 10 times more polluted than the air outdoors?

Put the air under a microscope and it’s not pretty, but a discovery we made in the 1990s can make a big impact.

We were working on a way to clear a harmful chemical that accumulates around plants growing on a spacecraft, and it turned out to also neutralize bacteria, viruses, and mold and eliminate volatile organic compounds.

Now air purifiers using this technology are deployed in hospital operating rooms, restaurant kitchens, and even major baseball stadiums to improve air quality and keep everyone healthier. Oh, and you can buy one for your house, too.

Driverless Cars 

Car companies are moving full-speed ahead to build the driverless cars of the not-so-distant future. Software first created to help self-learning robots navigate on Mars may help keep passengers and pedestrians safer once those cars hit the road. The software creates an artificially intelligent “brain” for a car (or drone, for that matter) that can automatically identify and differentiate between cars, trucks, pedestrians, cyclists, and more, helping ensure the car doesn’t endanger any of them. 

So, now that you know a few of the spinoff technologies that we helped develop, you can look for them throughout your day. Visit our page to learn about more spinoff technologies: https://spinoff.nasa.gov Make sure to follow us on Tumblr for your regular dose of space: http://nasa.tumblr.com. 

(425): He’s very cute and has a totally sit-able face.

This one’s mostly for a friend of mine, who liked the idea of TKOR as a band.

Some more from the setlist:

I Haven’t Slept In Eight Days, Does It Show?

I Touched A Girl And I Liked It

Look Luke, I’m Darth Vader, Am I Worth Saving Now, Asshat?

Okay, This One Goes Out To the Rabid Cur Little Bitch Who Keeps Yelling From The Balcony. It’s Called We Hate You, Please Die

The sequel

Archives of The Last Jedi Academy (continued, part 7)

Impulse Requited

The rain had started to come down, she could tell it was one of those rare storms, soon the pressure would increase in the atmosphere, intensifying gravity, and send down the heavier, rain infused with metallic particles, but she was determined to confront him. The moments after her release of regret, her conscious regained dominance and her anger surfaced. She marched to his quarters and didn’t find him there. She closed her eyes and sensed his presence; she whispered a spell to detect its location.

In the cave past the meadow she found him pacing. Instinct led her hand to her waist even though she knew their lightsabers were with Master Luke.

“What were you doing out there?” She interrupted his brooding.

“What about you? A witch! Infiltrating the Force with your spells.” She clenched her teeth together; her hand without a saber grasped its absence tightly.

“It’s not witchcraft. You have no understanding. All your talk about evolving the Jedi, changing the order, drawing on the diverse powers of this galaxy, this universe to strengthen the Force, and you’re questioning that I draw on unconventional resources to enhance the Force?”  

He retreated into the cave as the air pressure became denser. She, using a spell remained outside, cornering him in his retreat, the metallic rain beading off of the shield she conjured around her. The pressure of the atmosphere pushed him down to the stone floor. Angry as she was, she felt sympathy as he struggled with the the pressure. She entered the cave and altered the pressure. She smiled, acknowledging how she could set the spell and relinquish her control as opposed to the Force where she had to keep energy focused on what she made it control. At least for now that was the limit of her control with the Force.

“Thoughts on my abilities, now?” She stood over him as he regained composure. He looked up at her; his pupils dilated, eyebrows raised and she sensed the pulse of his heartbeat so strong it felt as if it was directly pressed against her own. Her gaze penetrated through his as she took a deep breath, elongating her posture, entrenched in the moment of this immense control, the power she felt over him, a power she had never felt over anyone. And then it became a weakness as he Force-pushed her and her arrogant stare back. Her spell broke and so had the rains. The pressure of the atmosphere had returned to a state acceptable for their species. The remnants of the metallic downpour streamed into the cave pooling around her as she sat prone on the ground.

“Your complacency with those obscure spells is your weakness.” He stood over her now, but only momentarily as his statement returned her anger to her and she hopped up from the ground. Insults about her heritage were unnecessary, but she was prepared to return them.

“Your aspirations to be your grandfather is yours.” Saberless, she tried to pierce him with these words; they locked in a stare but both shared the fear of what any attempts to control the other with the Force or what hand-to-hand combat might lead them to. He was no longer the lanky awkward adolescent for which she felt a silly girlhood crush for; he was a young man, body built and cut by intense training, and she was surprised at her lack of power to resist being drawn to him, into him....

She sat upright next to him, drenched by perspiration that streamed down her bare chest, awakened from a vision of the metallic rain, a disturbance, masked figures. She focused on making her breath short deep gasps into slow breaths. She glanced back down over her shoulder at him, certain he would have felt such a tremor in the Force, but he lay vulnerable in his stripped slumber, cloaked only in such comfort she glimpsed for a moment the innocent boy emerging from the loneliness and isolation of his time in training. Such comfort his peace gave her that she lay back down on his pale, bare chest and slept until uninterrupted by the late rising of the eastern suns cutting through the redwoods and into their shelter. Impulse requited.

Yay! New clothes for me!

Been coloring in my new coloring book (skills are shaky cuz of my bursitis)

When This All Goes Away (pt. 2)

Hearing your devastating story of the years missing between us made it clear, made me understand you on a deeper level, and I loved every moment of you sharing – how does one love during a moment of hearing a heartbreaking story? 

In my whining and pining and imagining you rejecting me in the future, it reminded me to remember that it’s not all about me. Indeed, as you said, you need time for you to just be.

And as someone who has many times lost herself, been hidden by others from herself, submitted to pressure to give up myself, and as someone who then has had many years to be exactly who I want to be without interference let alone repression and the suffocation you suffered, I get it, and it is my biggest wish for you.

I want you so much to heal, recover, repair. Please don’t ever let me get in the way.

Of course, now I think I love you even more, now.

Master Ren loved my holiday shirt

Made Vader waffles (that were actually more like pancakes) with my new gift. Master Ren (my delicious cupcake) loved them!

 …. meanwhile on the Supremacy you know this is going to happen sooner or later, right?

nobody’s perf—

Archives of the Last Jedi Academy (continued, pt. 6)

Impulse Unleashed

She had devoted a portion of her strength controlling her impulse to use some of the forbidden arts of her culture. She wanted to learn the ways of the Jedi, pure, unaided by ancient spells and powers. Training was getting more difficult as was her ability to keep this skill set repressed. She was proud as she excelled past those with whom she had begun training, even after her injury, and often detached from the moment wondering how much farther she could excel if she had allowed herself to use those powers. The distraction was so disabling but it set a great contrast to those moments that she could clear that from her head and allow the Force to flow throughout her, she felt more powerful than any spell ever made her. She worked on forgetting her past, the traditions, her mother’s teachings to keep her mind consistently clear. She made a deal with herself to stay away from the archives just until she could have complete control of thoughts of her culture, then she promised herself she would return to her research.  

Ben and she had found other places to meet. He saw the acceleration of her control of the Force and on hiatus from their research, they would test each other in their secret meetings. He had a such a surge of the Force that she wanted to match; it seemed more powerful sometimes that he could not control it. She began to imagine that she could match his power if she returned to her culture’s craft, that ability would help her equal the surge of the Force in him. And soon, the memory of being intimidated by him became distant and implausible.

In their training with Master Luke, she and Ben were paired up to spar. She feared that Master Luke would sense her use of that craft but more feared losing a match to Ben. She exploited his confidence and lack of control over the immense Force flowing through him. She held back on using any of her familial arts for half the spar; he had seemed to be holding back; he feared any similarities in their methods could reveal their secret training, and then he became unpredictable. Luke cautioned Ben on the the feelings he sensed, confused about the fear he sensed Ben was trying hard to conceal. She decided to provoke him, to push him to reveal that fear because it would give her an advantage. 

In spending time together, she could push taunting him. He revealed good humor and patience with her contrary to the rumors she had heard about him reacting strongly to any attempts to reveal his vulnerability. She had seen glimpses of it in his training with Luke who knew the potential Jedi inside of Ben, pushing him harder, testing his temper.

Suddenly in sync, the flow of the Force released any control that she felt, including drawing forth her craft, the act of defeating Ben no longer required her conscious thought. He seemed to move in increasingly slower movements, she could see the molecules vibrate with each of her moves, her saber leaving trails with each movement. Then she felt a shattering in the Force, and Ben no longer moved in slow movements but in erratic, fierce pulses. The swings of their sabers left intertwining glowing trails in the air as they no longer sparred but fought. As they charged for each other and locked sabers, their master held them in place forcing them to stare at each other, to fix on the expression of the other, to silence the growls of their attempts to use mind tricks against each other. Their muscles began to burn frozen in this stance and Master Luke shut off their sabers and took possession of them and pushed them away from each other, both falling to the ground. He looked back and forth between them, finding a moment of weakness as the adrenaline drained away.

As she felt her thoughts slip from her control, she felt Ben panic at her slip then felt his anger at her use of her culture’s spells and those thoughts became clear to Luke. “Much more training do you both require.” He turned and walked away. Vulnerability on display brought a surge of relief and she began to cry; there was no need to expend any more energy on these secrets. She wiped her tears and stood up and looked across at Ben. She knew that anything between them had to end, had to be let go in the flood of regret between them.

Last Jedi got me like

When you realize that by the end of TLJ, this guy is the most powerful man in the Galaxy

Kylo Ren is effectively ruling the Galaxy by the end of The Last Jedi when he killed and took over Snoke’s position as De-Facto Leader of The First Order

By extension, he took over Snoke’s position as Leader of High Command, making him Commander-in-Chief of the FO Military Council 

KYLO NOW HOLDS THE TITLE SUPREME LEADER OF THE FIRST ORDER

AKA THE FORMER GALACTIC EMPIRE, aka, THE PROGENY OF EMPEROR PALPATINE’S REGIME. THIS IS A FEAT HIS GRANDFATHER NEVER MANAGED TO ACCOMPLISH BUT CRAVED TO SO BADLY.

THIS 30-YEAR-OLD

HAND-HOLDING

GLISTENING 8-PACK WEARING

SLIPPITY-SLIDING

SLEEPY-ANGEL LOOKIN

PUPPY-EYE-POUTING

TEARY-EYED BABY BOY