I’ll Make An Entire Dedicated Blog Post About It Just For You My Mysterious Tumblr Mutual. It Probably

The holidays are mega weird when you’re depressed. Like this Christmas season has just felt so empty and it’s not for a lack of reasons to celebrate. I’m just getting older and my brain hates existing so it just doesn’t feel the same way that I have about the holiday season in the past

Heck yeah

I am very grateful for the Wolfenstein reboots and the Sniper Elite games because while gaming as an art form has come a long way and all the beautiful stories and complex characters are really wonderful and important, sometimes we need to remember our heritage as gamers, go back to our roots for a bit, and shoot a bunch of nazis in the face

If you don’t like me when I’m being weird, you ain’t gonna like me at all.

Man I love being both autistic and adhd at the same time. Can’t focus on just one thing I gotta collect all the hyperfixations like trading cards that I’m never gonna do anything with. It’s great lol

Happy New Year to my fellow gremlins, hope you all have a grand old time and achieve all you want to achieve

Fellas. My wonderful amazing moots. The random followers who are also wonderful and amazing too. I may or may not have some big news. Not sure how to share it here yet, but I am working on it! Expect some good stuff here soon.

Very accurate. I really don’t care to pretend around people. If you’re being an idiot I’m inclined to either say something about it or let my distaste for it, and you, be very evident. Usually the latter. But also sometimes there’s nothing you can do and so you just gotta walk away because if you don’t you’re going to lose braincells.

One of my favourite parts about autistic people is how you can use other peoples' reflections of them like an echolocation bullshit detector. Like they personally do not need to do shit for this to work, they just passively emit their own autistic vibe that bounces off every surface around them, and you can assess another person's level of self-awareness by how they reflect it back.

"Autistic people do not understand social hierarchy" nope, they understand you're supposed to be an authority here, but they won't politely pretend to respect you if they think you're incompetent.

"Autistic people do not understand humour" nope, they just don't politely pretend to laugh to humour you, and you are simply not funny.

"Autistic people are rude" nope, they just don't think it's polite to lie to you, and don't care about trying to tell you what they think you want to hear instead of telling you what they think.

"Autistic people sometimes have emotional meltdowns for absolutely no reason" nope, you're just insufferable to be around and the person with the lowest tolerance of your shit is simply the canary in the coal mine who breaks first.

Little more serious post/rant today. Sorry it’s so long, I don’t feel like doing a TLDR. If you don’t want to read about mental health struggles skip this post. Hope to return to goofy dumb stuff soon.

Dealing with heartbreak sucks. I’m not a perfect person but being lied to and feeling like no one gives a crap because you’re a flawed and broken person trying to be as good as possible is one of the worst things in the world, especially when they then continue to act like nothings wrong.

What makes it worse is when I’m not entirely sure what all exactly I did wrong. I know of a few things that I’ve been working on since finding out, but I was never really given a reason as to why it all fell apart. I don’t know if it was all my fault or not and I hate that. Like I’m a deeply empathetic person and care about what those I care about think and feel. I want them to be happy. And if I make them unhappy I want to know why so I can improve myself in areas I may be lacking.

I mean, they’re my friends, family, or other loved ones. The people whose opinions I care about. But with being autistic it’s really hard to not be a people-pleaser sometimes, and sometimes I just want things to go back to how they were. But they aren’t going to and so I want to try to be better. When that’s not feasible for any reason, whether because I’m too dumb to figure out how, or people just won’t tell me what I did wrong, or whatever, it hurts like hell.

I’ve spent a good chunk of my life so far living through a personal Hell, and the only things keeping me sane is a loving family and a good therapist. I’ve been blessed with great parents, though often times they don’t know how to help. My therapist has told me that I need friends. The thing is, my friends rarely speak to me anymore, they’re always busy, and care more about their friends at college or at work. They’ve all moved on in their lives, and seem to have completely forgotten about me. And yet I can’t help but still care about them.

I live each day with crippling pain and intense loneliness and it feels like nothing ever changes socially. I can grow and improve myself all I want, but that won’t make people like me or even remember me. Because at the end of the day, I’m still an autistic, depressed freak of nature that the world and society aren’t made for. And I’ve got to live with that every day. Sometimes I grow so tired of it that I wish I was different so that I could feel accepted and wanted. So that I can feel worthy of being loved by someone else.

Oftentimes, as I’m doing things I enjoy by myself, I feel like I’d be happier spending my time with someone else. But no one cares enough to do that. Not anymore anyway. They’ve all got lives and I’m stuck unable to work while waiting for school to start. Life is lonely. One of my favorite songs, At the Risk of Feeling Dumb has the lines “At the risk of feeling dumb, check in / it’s not worth the risk of losing a friend” I wish I was worthy enough of a friend for people to check in from time to time.

But to be honest, I’ve lived this long without it, that at this point it feels like a luxury just out of my reach. There was a time I really really needed it, and didn’t receive it, and yet I’m still here. Somehow I made it on my own. I know I’m capable of doing it all on my own, but I don’t want that. I want other people to be around. I want them to want me around. And right now that’s just not really a possibility.

I’m so tired. I woke up this morning feeling really freaking depressed, and getting this all out of my head onto the one site where no one knows who I am (except of course for one person), and where next to no one reads this blog of mine, feels good.

If you’ve read this far, thank you. Have a good day because you deserve it. I hope to have a more goofy, fun post out either later today or sometime tomorrow.

Can’t imagine how people can live their life alone as adults. Like what do you mean I can’t just call up a friend and plan an outing to get food, or watch a movie, or just hang out? What do you mean society and life in general tries to keep people apart??

As a kid I was taught that having friends and being a good friend was super important, but we all let our work and other life worries get in the way of that, so what changed? Is having friends just not actually that important?? Am I missing something or what?

OR, just maybe, it’s me. Maybe, just maybe, I haven’t found the right people yet…

Oh who am I kidding, society hates when people have social lives and friends. All of our time is supposed to be put into making money so rich people can make more money. No time for friends, we gotta spend our time wasting away either in school or at work for the establishment because otherwise it’s really freaking hard to even survive. Moreso work than schooling, since I do believe that getting an education is important, but we also gotta have a good work/life balance so we can have time to spend with our friends and families.

Anyway random thought of the morning over

Oh shush it gets even better. This weekend’s been extra lonely because of the holiday, and as we speak she’s trying to cheer me up and let me talk about what’s going on. As if she ain’t the one person I want to tell everything but can’t because it’s her and if I do I risk pushing her away and that’s exactly the opposite of what I want. She’s literally just so kind and pretty and goodness gracious my heart

"Have you been avoiding me?"

"What?! Me? Nah… it's not like i, uh, caught feeling for you and now I'm having literally the worst existential crisis ever" starts hyperventilating "what reason could i possibly have to avoid YoU" chuckles awkwardly while trying to catch his breath