Loving Me Must Be So Fucking Hard And I'm So Fucking Sorry

I saw it coming but at the same time I didn't because I didn't believe the world could possibly be that fucking cruel.

Every time I think about messaging or calling someone, I have to remind myself that no one cares. If they did you wouldn't have to be the one always reaching out. They'd probably check up on you by now.

unfortunately for the both of us, i really like you

i hate that BPD gives me such a lack of emotional permanence.

you can spend hours describing the ways in which you care about me, yet the moment you stop my brain will immediately decide you hate me and are destined to leave me.

i hardly have any pictures of myself after the age of like 6 because nobody around me paid attention to me and when i became a teen i hated myself too much to take pictures, and i don’t even take them now as an adult. it makes me sad when i see pictures on social media of my friends hanging out and doing things, having photographed memories they can look back on.

me? i sit and rot in my bedroom, not going out and unable to look at myself without feeling disgusting.

having BPD is like simultaneously being a black cat and a lost puppy

you can be the sweetest little kitty and do no wrong but there’s nothing you can do to change some people’s mind about you. they’d stereotype you and believe all the misconceptions without giving you a chance.

you’re also constantly looking for your person. your place to call home. longing for that warmth and comfort of love but you feel so helpless in a storm that doesn’t seem to stop pouring. following mindlessly any person that gives you the slightest attention and being obsessed with them until you look up and realize you’ve lost them and are alone again in the unforgiving storm.

when you're having a hard time and trying to reach out for support and suddenly you're a child again hearing "i'll give you something to cry about"

I fucking hate looking in the mirror. Why the fuck do I look like that and why the fuck can’t I be different and how the fuck can anyone even tolerate being near me.