Thisfeelswrong - This Feels Wrong

It finally clicked in my brain, that the reason you don't treat me like you treat others in your life, is because you love the others in your life. You love having them in your life. I've simply become the obligation you can't untangle yourself from.

thinking you're being overdramatic and paranoid over nothing only to be proven completely right is such a sickening feeling.

that moment when you’re empty and nothing matters anymore . you don’t even know who you are anymore but it’s okay it doesn’t matter , you just want to disappear .

sorry I ghosted you I wanted to see if you cared about me and would miss me if I was gone

From the bottom of my worthless heart, I genuinely don’t know if I can survive another year.

bpd is actually so crazy i cannot tell you how genuinely intense everything feels.

i get so, so upset during episodes over the smallest of things. it isnt just "oh im sad" either its fucking cutting myself, wanting to die, hyperventilating and begging and pleading and making a plan to kill myself because what im feeling genuinely seems like the end of the world. theres a void inside of me that can only be filled by a love so intense that it drives me to insanity. i will overeat, spend unnecessarily, hurt myself, cling and depend on people who give me the slightest bit of attention, send suggestive things of myself to others, and put myself in dangerous situations just to feel something. that void can only ever be truly filled by an fp. without one, i feel so, so empty. i truly feel like im nothing without them. their whole existence, getting to see and talk to them everyday, getting to be with them, is the whole reason that i continue to survive. the moment theyre gone, even for five minutes, its back to nothingness. i cannot feel without them, i physically cannot bring myself to. but having a fp is so, so painful. their mood determines mine. how they treat me will determine how i feel. everyone else compared to them feels miniscule and unimportant. i could be seriously harmed by another person or admired by another person and it wouldnt matter, because the only person whos opinion of me matters is my fp. i would cut off all of my friends just to be with them and them only. i would do anything to stay with them. and when they leave, you have to understand that my whole purpose has been torn away from me. my whole reason for continuing to live gets fucking ripped away from me. and when they ignore me? i put myself in dangerous situations, i hurt myself, just so theyll come and find me and save me, take care of me, feel bad for me. i try to make them feel the same pain they make me feel by ignoring them, purposely triggering them, trying to get back at them. i hate them, because what could be more important to you than me? i put you above all else, why cant you do the same? nobody else, nothing else, should be more important or as important than me, because thats how i feel about you. and fuck, it hurts so bad knowing my partners will never feel as intensely for me as i will for them, unless im their fp. it hurts knowing that theyll truly never feel the same level of obsession and want for me that i feel for them. that theyll never be able to fully return those feelings. but its so hard being mutual fps with someone. it drives you insane. it can lead to horrid situations.

bpd is so, so hard. i hate this disorder.

𝐆𝐞𝐭𝐭𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐚𝐧𝐠𝐫𝐲 𝐦𝐚𝐤𝐞𝐬 𝐦𝐞 𝐰𝐚𝐧𝐭 𝐭𝐨 𝐡𝐮𝐫𝐭 𝐦𝐲𝐬𝐞𝐥𝐟 𝐨𝐫 𝐜𝐨𝐦𝐦𝐢𝐭 𝐦𝐮𝐫𝐝𝐞𝐫

When did this start? When did I wake up hating myself? When did I start avoiding every mirror I came across? When did I hate being in pictures? When did my smiles become forced, and difficult? When did I stop looking both ways when I crossed the street? When did I stop leaving the house because I hated the way I looked that day? When did I grow to hate myself so much that I did physical damage to my body? When did I realize I had to change my wardrobe to hide the scars? When did I start avoiding everybody that ‘loves’ me? When did I start wanting to leave this world? It’s been so long, I don’t remember.