Does Anybody Get In That Mood Where If You Don’t Absolutely Destroy Your Life In The Next 5 Minutes

Idk if thats a bpd or a me thing

that moment when you’re empty and nothing matters anymore . you don’t even know who you are anymore but it’s okay it doesn’t matter , you just want to disappear .

I never think it’s paranoia.

and when all the distractions dont work anymore and its the end of the day, i’m left with just myself and the want for it all to please just fucking stop.

I genuinely think there’s something so irrevocably wrong with me that no matter how hard I try to recover and distract myself with good people and nice things I will never be able to escape it

Having suicidal depression is like having a constant itch you can’t scratch. Even if you don’t plan on actually committing suicide the feeling doesn’t just go away. It’s constantly in the back of your mind. Whenever road blocks happen in your life instead of figuring out how to fix things like a normal person would your brain immediately goes to, “just kill yourself.” When you wake up in the morning the first thought you have is about killing yourself because your dreams are the only time you can escape the pain of living with suicidal depression. You find no worth in your accomplishments. Even when you actually do accomplish something it’s like it has no worth because you don’t find worth in yourself. You constantly compare yourself to your peers and wonder if you would have actually been succseful like them if you didn’t have a mental illness. Even if you do feel happy for a moment that moment ends and you remember that you have no worth, are stupid, haven’t accomplished anything in life and are a waste of space who needs to just end it already. You know you’re unlovable. No one wants to be with someone with suicidal depression because they don’t want to be with someone who will bring them down. You constantly are thinking about killing yourself and knowing that you can’t makes you feel trapped. Dying isn’t a soluation but you don’t want to live another disappointing year where nothing but bad things happen to you and you don’t grow or change at all. Having suicidal depression is watching everyone around you grow and change while you remain the same. And no one can see how much pain you are in.

I wanna burn down every single bridge I built cause I’m tired of being the only person that makes sure it doesn’t fall apart

~ Girls when they can never be as pretty as the others, no matter how hard they try ~