P.J.Q.

but... i can't write anymore

POCKET DIARY 2012

An entry

It can only take a second      for lingering feelings      to slip into      your heart again

Just like how a flower      can bloom again      in a garden      you left to wither

— "14", y.g.

(eusie.)

i exist

you ask me if i’m fine. i say i’m fine. you look at me with one eyebrow raised, but you didn’t do anything after that. all these nights when you feel like shit, i swear i can feel your soul tearing apart with just one look at you. and you give your heart out as if you’re making love to me. but i know it’s only your sadness flowing out. and it’s not about the fact that you’re actually falling for me, or that you actually like talking to me. i ask myself what did i ever do wrong to be treated and feel this way. i ask myself what would i give for you to at least show that you care even for a damn minute, or a damn second. i just want you to know, i really need you to know... i exist; this heart inside of mine is beating. and it used to scream your name, but now it only stutters out each letter with so much pain as if with every one, one of my heartstrings break. i exist; the love i feel for you is real and it’s not made up. i exist; yes, you acknowledge that. but not entirely, only when you need someone when the one you actually need doesn’t want you. and yeah, i only exist during those times. am i fine? no, i’m not. but you wouldn’t know, because you wouldn’t care. i exist; i am human, and i have feelings. don’t break these pieces of my heart and shutter them more than they already are. i exist; can’t you see? (eusie.)

“Will you still love me in the morning?”

a.k.a. She says, “Yes,” while he answers, “No.”

She arrives at home a few minutes after five, clutching her heart tightly with her fingers. She looks around for a certain display of messy dark hair, her knuckles turning white every passing second. When her eyes couldn’t see what it sought out but meet a pair of amber orbs, she lunges forward onto its beholder.

He’s wearing his favorite navy blue shirt with gray linings on its sleeves, both of his hands clasping a book. His eyes turns back to it, she presumes, as she settles down in a leathered sofa in front of him. He’s seated on the loveseat, half lying on it even; his back resting on one rolled arm, his feet relaxing on the other.

She looks at his face and straightforwardly asks, “Why did you do it?”

He — who understood the question right away without any needed explanation from her to clear what could be a misinterpreted query — simply supplies, “I don’t like the way you look at it, or the way your fingers last a little more unnecessary than it should when you trace it through. I wanted it off right away the moment I couldn’t take it anymore.”

But you love it, she almost whispers. He used to, her mind takes in on account. “Are you okay?” she chooses to inquire.

He only looks at her, his amber eyes slowly mirroring an ember fire. He stands up and closes the material he was reading. She can hear her fingers tapping on her knees. Or maybe it’s the walls pleading in soft creaks. Or it’s her heart, with its great desire to come off of her chest and run away.

She wants to run away from the burning heat of her lover’s stare.

After a few minutes, she finds herself lost in a blurry surrounding. She focuses her vision and sees herself in the same sofa, her hands bleeding from how tight she was holding the end of her dress. Like how she’s holding her pieces together, just for it to not clutter and break into smaller ones.

But when she raises her gaze and find him at the edge of the stairs, she finally lets go.

And when he quietly murmurs an “I’m okay,” she decides she didn’t want to pick herself up. Her wounds will only cut deeper.

He didn’t even ask if I was, she thinks. Later, she stops thinking.

(eusie.)

ˌdedəˈkāSH(ə)n/

There are tears buried in between these sheets, ones that kept us awake with deep cut hearts. There are tinges, hidden from plain sight, ones that came from our blood stained fingertips. There are marks and tiny scrapes across these papers, ones that were caused by the scars of our skin.

But there are giggles running around through each space. There are whispers of hopefulness in each page. There is love felt by each letter dripped in nightly ink.

This is a collection of shards from our war souls. This is a recollection of the strands of what we fought for.

There is a piece of us in this. This is us. This is for us.

— “Cheers to ourselves”, The Researchers

(eusie.)

a feeling: “nothing lost but something missing”

my throat tastes of rust and i'm drunk on my tears

my cries dance on the rooftop and i'm a high tide on this silent night

there is a rustling inside of me that doesn't stop

and sometimes it ends up as an aching a yearning for an unknown

this skin keeps on burning and i’m still hurting

but i don’t why

(eusie.)

Here’s to someone, pt. 3

Dear (h    n),

You should know by now that this is about you

But if you’re not in love with me too then I doubt that you do

There were no fireworks or violins playing beautifully the heaven didn’t open its gates and set out its angels to sing love songs

No when my eyes first landed on yours I got stranded on the crooked smile on your lips and on the calm sea surrounding you

I think that’s when I realize that I might end up sinking that I might end up drowning

And I didn’t know if I should be afraid

But this feeling this magical feeling each time I saw the sparkle in your eyes when I glanced at you

But this feeling

I knew it won’t run away from me but stay and hide in each of my veins and my heart will explode with this feeling of you with this feeling of wanting you

I knew I knew I would fall for you

The second time my eyes landed on you the crooked smile was back but the calm sea was now a storm

And I was already sinking

And and and then

You said my name

I think that’s when I realize that I might end up drowning next

And I still didn’t know if I should be afraid

But this feeling this magical feeling was still there each time I saw the sparkle in your eyes when I glanced at you and as if you stitched my soul my heart craved and craved for your attention and for you to say my name again

But this feeling

I knew it won’t run away from me and my heart will explode from every word escaping your lips each time you speak to me with every hair on my skin you lit up each time you smile at me my heart will definitely explode with this feeling of you with this feeling of wanting you more

I knew I knew I was falling for you

The third time my eyes landed on you

I, I, I

I think I was already crazy but there were fireworks there were violins playing on the background and the heaven opened its gates to let the angels sing their love songs

And with the clouds smiling at me and the wind whispering a happy melody

I got stranded I sank

And I definitely was drowning and already falling

And I wasn’t afraid

Because this feeling this magical feeling did not run away from me and my heart will continue to explode with this feeling of you with this feeling of wanting you endlessly

I love you I love you I’m in love with you

And you should know by now that this is about you

But if you’re not in love with me too then I doubt that you do

Yours sincerely,

(eusie.)

Probably not a poem

Saying what I feel isn’t easy as breathing but every day, I would want to express it to you as I need to breathe. The first gasp of air I make every morning when I wake up is like a whisper of your name that reminds me that my heart is alive to love you again. Then, the whole day just smells like you, like your scent lingers on the walls of our house and everything that surrounds me wherever I go. This just makes me miss you. While a few minutes later, I'll miss you more than how I missed you moments ago until I just start to yearn for you… until I just yearn for your eyes to look into mine again; for your voice to show off its magic as all of me feels tingly; for your lips to say my name or to make me feel loved; for your hands to touch me and make me shiver… or for you to just hug me so I can feel your warmth that assures me that you won’t leave me. Please, please don’t leave me even if there’s a thousand reasons why you should. I know sometimes (or more often) my words are daggers — my actions too, or even just my silence — and that I probably make you bleed every day. I know that I can never be enough (and I’m sorry for this), and that I can never love you the way you love me (but please know that I love you very much). But keep on loving me because I would want to soak under the rain of your love forever. I love you. I love you so much that sometimes it hurts deep inside that my tears don’t come out of my eyes but they pop out of my blood veins and contaminate me like they’re toxic. But I’m okay, I can still breathe. And you probably feel the same way, hiding all pieces of you that I have shattered every now and then  — hiding them instead of throwing them at me to wound me. But you always say that you’re okay, that you can still breathe. Our love for each other (or our relationship) may not be perfect, maybe all just wounds that turned into scars, or maybe just all bruises that cannot disappear, but I hope… I really hope we can survive it like a ship that succeeded to pass through a lightning storm in the ocean. Let’s remind the world that people can live because of love. So let’s make it through everything with our hands entangled and our hearts connected to every heartstrings of the other. Let’s keep on loving each other... loving all the flaws and pieces of the other all the same.

(eusie.)

i can taste the tears from the way you write and i can hear your heart cracking each time you speak

an excerpt from a poem i wrote and deleted, pt. 1 (eusie.)

And I just let her use me

...she wouldn’t let me kiss her on her lips anymore but she wiggles out a moan every time when i’m in between her legs and she tells me it’s okay

then every time after she walks away with her clothes along with my soul wrapped in her body as she looks at me and say she’ll come back again