Latest Posts by thsdfnngslnc - Page 4
i am not a dreamer. i do not wish upon stars. they will suck every letter of our dreamy words. they let us taste lies from every glimmer they give for our eyes to hold. they look down on us, laughing. they watch us as our grounds shake, as our souls skin out every last smile we own. i am not a dreamer. i am not hopeful. i do not hope for impossible truths. i do not hope for palpable things to become blur. because reality is right in front of us, taking out every pain in between our eyes for us to feel, and we already can’t do anything about it, but to just accept and take everything. what’s on the tip our tongues are mantras we need to swallow. we need to stop hoping. we need to.
eusie., “to the boy who’s in love with the sun” (an excerpt)
I thought of you again
I. I don’t know is not the same as Maybe. I know that you already know this. When you want collide them both just to see their differences, there will be an infinite of numbers — close to millions. But would you really waste your time in doing so? When you can’t even measure out our distance and cut them off just to let me caress your face?
II. I am lost, in which everyone seems to agree but no one dares to give me a map just to find myself, just to help me out of your forest. No one did but still, they search for me, yearn for me, and beg me to come out and save myself from you. Why? Tell me, do you breathe fire? Tell me, will you suffocate me with the words coming out of your mouth? Oh, but it seems to me that I am dizzied with them — every day you feed me with your words, right? You whisper them right through my ear, and sometimes just above my naked skin, you linger your breathing. But no, you do not breathe fire; you breathe dandelions and lilies, and tulips and roses. I am the one who breathes fire. Maybe that’s why you won’t let me get to you; you’re the only who touches me and you won’t let me do it to you. Maybe that’s the reason.
III. There are questions in my head, and they steal all the air in my lungs. Do they seek for answers? Do I seek for answers? Quite, but I yearn for them in you. They are heavy; they make me lifeless and if you weren't around to kiss me, giving me a little life, they’d kill me in a split second. Should I come to you to free them? Or should I just freeze myself, and lock myself away? Since I am scared, I am afraid, I am frightened… of what you’ll say, of what’ll happen because these questions, they might become bullets moving in a flash; they’ll pass through my head in a wink of an eye once you answer something I don’t want to hear.
IV. I am a child; you are my playmate. Picture this: we've been playing happily around for quite some time now, but in times that you leave… I am left behind, waiting for you to come back. Sometimes, you’ll be here after a day, an a hour, a month, a week, two days or five, three weeks, six hours… yes, you come back and you come back with a warm smile, then I welcome you just as equally, forgetting the times I was doubting you wouldn't.
V. It’s because I love you that I always wait for your return, even if sometimes keeping pace with time is tiring that I hope that I’ll stop looking out of my windows for you. And before I know it, my palms are cold and I’ll die of just sweating. Then I’ll remember you again, and I’ll hate you for a while. At some time later, I’ll be back to normal. Yes, I am crazy. I’m sorry. But what I really want to know is when I ask you “Will you ever come back and just stay with me for good?” I hope you won’t give me the words I don’t know or maybe. You should already know why I won’t swallow them. And if everything screws up and you’ll end up in my place, I really want to know… how long will you wait for me to come back? How long will you sing a thousand of melodies just to never bore yourself while you stitch in your crowded mind that you love me; because whenever I wait for you, that’s all I think about but sometimes, I really hope I don’t.
( ayen. & eusie. )
dear winter
dear winter,
just this time, will you please stop making snowflakes? i sneeze a little too often than before. do not attempt to dance outside my windows, i will never come out and watch you. please be gone as soon as possible, i can never get pass through your time.
just this time, i want you to not kill me again because every year when you are here, you kiss me with your snowflakes and i feel bliss even if i know you’re also kissing someone else. you whisper sweet nothings against my windows and every morning i wake up and see them as lyrics of a daylight lullaby; i smile even if i know in the evening, you’ll still give me nightmares. you control me and poison me to just give my every minute to you when you are here.
just this time, please stop… because just when everything comes to the most freezing moments of mine, you leave and i die; i don’t want that to happen again.
so please, just this time…
just this time… i want you to go away.
i am restraining myself on missing you as i run out of breathe each day. come back when i am when i want to feel frozen.
(eusie.)
Here’s to someone
a.k.a. I forgot about you for a while
Play. You were a light with a little bit of blue, and I was almost death. But your eyes smiled at my frown. The wind whispered how you seem to feel, but I will never know if she was lying. I walked away. You didn’t hold me back. And even if we were gazing each other with ignited emotions, we were probably just infatuated — I, with the smell of your organized thoughts, and you, with the brightness of my facade. You were wrapped in blue, and I was burned to ashes. We looked at each other for what seemed to be the last time, but we still didn’t do anything.
Pause. You are fire dancing to the rain, and I am a deep ocean. When you see me, you tame yourself, and I do the same. But a long time ago, I learned that the sea is in love with you, so I know that I will still walk away. And even if our eyes see that our shadows are soulmates, we still seem to be stopping ourselves. You are a structured chaos, and I let myself to be destroyed. I am an incoming storm that you probably don’t want to experience. We wave each other farewell — is this finally the last time? But the wind sings a sweet melody, although I still don’t know if she’s exaggerating.
(eusie.)
Never say never
There is a spot on the ceiling of my room that resembles the scar you have on your right arm, and lately, it became one of the things I forbid myself to look at every time I sleep at night. Just like the paintings you once gave to me that even if most of them were portraits of me, I put them away. Because I couldn’t look at myself smiling knowing you were the reason. And through every one of it that I see, I could hear your voice saying my name. (I don’t know if I am crazy enough to encounter these, but I guess I still love you the same.)
I remember that day you said you would never leave. It was the middle of autumn when everything was tinted orange and leaves kept on falling. Your smile was so bright and your eyes were full of promises I thought you would fulfill. But I swear you were like the sunset to every tiring day that I have had. You were beautiful as it was, beautiful enough to make me cry because I had you. And beautiful enough to make me cry because I lost you, for I believed in what you said that you were never going to walk away. It was when the sun began to meet the moon that one winter night. You held me closer to your broad chest. I felt your warmth beneath me, and your heartbeat lulled me to sleep with a smile on my face. Your breath roaming around my hair was nevertheless one of the many things I have always cherished. And the silence and the space between our bodies were probably one of the best things that I’ll remember even they were just in-between’s or nothing to you.
I kept on holding on to that time between the summer solstice when you said that you’ll never let me go. You hoisted me on your back, and placed my thighs on the sides of your waist. But you couldn’t bear my weight so we crashed down on the sand and we kept on laughing until we have to catch our breaths. (Sigh.)
Maybe, I shouldn’t have eaten everything that was in front of me just because I thought it was all good. Or just because I thought it’ll last forever inside our hearts as we’ll hold on to every moment we have had every day to keep us alive. But how could I have known, right? Yet, I wish you could’ve just said the truth, because to be honest, when you said you were never going to leave, you were never going to walk away, or you were never going let me go, I think that you never really meant any of them. I realized it just now.
Because I believed you said you loved me but then you just said you never did. And how I wish I could say to you personally that you should never use the word “never” if you know that what you will always mean is the otherwise.
( chloe. & eusie. )
You’ve thrown my pieces away — far from my reach that I couldn’t put myself back into whole again. Were you exhausted because I couldn’t pick them on my own? I am lost within the forest you’ve made, while you burned the gardens inside of me and disappeared. You said you won’t leave though, but you did; you left. So why, despite everything, is your voice still my lullaby? But the clock inside my room is louder, that I can’t sleep anymore. Tick, tock tick, tock — it’s 2:58 AM and my surroundings are quite troubling, and everything just seems so plangent.
What happened when you said you’ll never get tired of me? (eusie.)
Where are you?
a.k.a. I’m drunk and I want to see you
With my hands in my pockets and lips full of cigarette kisses, I throw my shadows on the ground and pull them with me as I travel the city’s ups and downs. My eyes paint your face on every wall that sang a lullaby out of your name. I try to recall if your smile had always been like the fireworks on our every Fourth of July’s, or the sun setting on the background of every late afternoon of our summer lives. But the alcohol is making my memories vague that I also fail to know if I have ever felt those I love you’s coming from in between your lips were really meant for me.
The night sky shouldn't be dark blue but that’s how I see it, maybe because I feel the same way. And then the moon, just as I try to keep my gaze lock to its glow, start to dance. Now I realize that I have once compared you to it. I remember how your eyes sucked every constellation in the universe. I remember how they shined so bright once that I suddenly kissed you. But you became out of my reach now. I stop and suddenly lie down on the middle of the street. There are diamond rusts in my throat, and on my tongue, and it makes me miss the taste of you. I want to cry your name. The stars aren't present tonight just as your warmth is by my side. But the city train is awake; it makes everything smoky, unclear yet loud, just as my thoughts tonight, and just as the beat of my heart.
I breathe, “Alexandria…” I’m afraid I’m still in love with you, even if I haven’t figured it out yet if you ever felt the same way too. There are still a thousand things I haven’t told you. There are still a million things I want to show you. There is still a heartbeat throbbing inside my chest and it holds your name. “Alexandria,” I whisper as tears crawl across my cheeks. I think I had kept my doubts locked in my chest, and the key to their jailed bodies was swallowed by my blindness of loving you so much. But they don’t matter right now. And somehow... maybe... right now, it doesn't matter that you loved me or not. What matters is I believed you did. And it’s fine. It’s fine.
Then I close my eyes.
(eusie.)
Thank you for the judgment. I will eat them all till they fill my stomach with nothing but your words. I will let them burn all what’s inside of me till I die, and I will visit you and whisper these things you’ve said so you can eat them too and I will come out of your body and conquer your soul.
January 26, 2014 (eusie.)
Could it be / that besides the moon, / there’s one planet / who also fell for the sun? / Could it be / that she was broken, / and because she cannot bleed, / she cried until she died / while her tears scattered across the Milky Way / and they’re the stars / we see in the evening sky?
April 21, 2014 (eusie.)
to the boy who’s in love with the sun
to the boy who’s in love with the sun (and who also seems to be alike with the moon),
one
i am not a dreamer. i do not wish upon stars. they will suck every letter of our dreamy words. they let us taste lies from every glimmer they give for our eyes to hold. they look down on us, laughing. they watch us as our grounds shake, as our souls skin out every last smile we own. i am not a dreamer. i am not hopeful. i do not hope for impossible truths. i do not hope for palpable things to become blur. because reality is right in front of us, taking out every pain in between our eyes for us to feel, and we already can’t do anything about it, but to just accept and take everything. what’s on the tip our tongues are mantras we need to swallow. we need to stop hoping. we need to.
two
this is what i always thought.
three
i am not a dreamer. at least, long ago.
four
once, i found myself staring at the night sky and it was full of stars — full of hope like ones you see on the eyes of people in love. back then i thought, falling in love is an endless prayer of “please, please, please”. falling in love is picking up pieces that were already thrown away but keeping them in hopes of making them fit into the incomplete you. falling in love is wishing upon stars and endlessly hoping for nothing. and i said, i don’t want to fall in love.
five
but then one day, i saw him.
six
he was standing right in front of me, and the day was sunny. and i thought, he was reality’s human form. he was exactly the reason why people bow down to their knees every single night just to whisper wishful things, like for him to realize that the stars have always been singing for them like church bells. like his dreams finally came true and he was too blind to feel them running around him. he was someone i knew i shouldn't get my hopes up for or waste any time fancying of. but i couldn't help but to dream of his voice even if i haven’t heard it yet. i couldn't stop to want him to look at my way every time i feel him passing through the hallways of my heart. i couldn't stop imagining things. i don’t know if he can feel my eyes as they try to hug him every time i look at him from afar. his hair was the night sky, starless because they were showered onto every smile he gives.
seven
and i thought, maybe he’s in love with the sun for his cheeks are rosy pink, yet he was pale as the moon. and i wish that i used to be in love with him. because i want to give up for i realized my love would eventually go nowhere and burn out. but for the mean time, i want to know his name.
eight
i hope you know you’re the one i’m talking about.
nine
to the boy who’s in love with the sun, tell me your name.
from the girl who once told you to the stars (and who also mentioned you in her every prayer) yet she'll soon stop on wishing, hoping, dreaming and loving
(eusie.)
The deafening silence of winter melodies
Sometimes, the smell of the morning just pushes me to wonder, like how I need to think about everything — all at once — in a moment, and sometimes, the afternoon symphonies tend to capture every little thing inside my head, and eat them all up, until the thoughts of how alone I am in my life are left inside. Then it just starts to get worse because they howl and cry like they’re lost, or like they want to get out, and that’s why I’m wide awake every night. It’s just... so deafening to listen to this silence; it’s so tiring and I can’t help but to silently scream at the top of my lungs — to scream silently inside my heart. I’m exhausted and maybe, I won’t survive this winter and its melody that kills me and haunts me to think of everything I ever loved:
Like how I used to love every detail of the night, how the pale glow of the moon and stars reflect in your eyes; how the wind slowly brush against my cheeks while we lie side by side on my bed; how we serenade by the sounds made by the crickets and other insects outside while we whisper I love you to each other. Like how I loved you, and how I can still remember the every detail of your face, how the mole in your left eyelid look when your eyes are closed in your sleep; how the fringes of your hair fall on your face after you slide your fingers through your head while thinking; how your nose turns to pink when you’re about to sneeze; how the corners of your lips move when you smile; how your breathe reach me every time you talk; and how your cheeks look like they’re burning after I kiss you.
Now, the only thing I love about the night is the darkness in it, and how stars to me, are just shattered promises. When they die they become black holes they consume everything within their reach and I seemed to have become consumed with one.
I can’t stop thinking if everything you said to me was just a lie and if the sparkle in your eyes every time I look at them is just an imagination of mine. I can’t stop thinking of what you really feel about me, of what do you think about when we were together, and of the possibility that when I was in your care, it killed you. I can’t stop thinking if my words ever reached you, and if our words wished upon a shooting star, one night, were just my own wishes.
My once filled dream of our future together had died along with that shooting star. They died right before my very eyes, and all I could do is watch. My forever turned into ashes of piled burnt promises, they stayed under my bed and sprawl into my feet at night; they haunt and broke me over and over. Our laughter and melodies had become a deafening silence that only I could hear. Words left unsaid and rotting inside my head, thoughts about our love lost had caused turmoil of dilemma in my head for those cold winter nights, and the last time that I have seen your face, was the time I know, I had lost you because you had chosen her instead of me. Betrayals and regrets are eating me alive—they cut through my skin and sting into my flesh. I need a way out, I need to escape and stop this excruciating pain.
So on the night of your wedding day, I went outside. On the cold icy night, I wandered and tried to lose you in my head once more. I went to the park, where we used to sit for hours every Friday afternoon. I brought out the blade that I had bought on the day you left without bidding a proper goodbye. I have been thinking about this since day one, and now I know, I have found my way out of this misery you have caused. The pale white snow, soon become stained with a red pigment coming from my wrist and then I knew, this will end soon.
( ayen. & eusie. )
Mga pekeng bulaklak
a.k.a. I hope we were monsters instead
For the first time, I tasted nothing from your lips and it was supposed to make me feel scared. You asked me what it feels like, I replied, “Like fairy dust” — “sweet as a fantasy dripped in purple paint, brushed against the canvass of my tongue.” And I made you smile. And I was supposed to be guilty.
For the 22nd time, your lips still tasted like alcohol. Damn, you just couldn't make my heart flutter. But I asked you what it feels like, and I hear you say — “Like a reckless night that should trouble me but it doesn’t, instead it hushes my clamorous thoughts.” And I gave you a smile. But it wasn't really for you.
(eusie.)
if you can read this in heaven (a eulogy)
i. i won’t tell her name. no, i won’t. but i will tell you about the patterns encrypted on her skin that i have tried to read. i will tell you how it went when i found out she’s gone to the moments i can’t remember anymore.
ii. i didn’t think she is cold as winter when i traced her backbones while she was asleep, i didn’t think that her bones will eat me when i tried to kiss the scars inside of her; what i thought was that she would be happily singing melodies as she shows me the remaining life inside her veins but i am half way between what i think and the truth
iii. because she is an unsent letter written by a star who fell in love with the moon. she is an unsent letter, full of tears, lost and blown away.
iv. to where she landed is where the moon shines the most, it blinded her and let her forget what she was meant to do; to where she landed is where she became a star and she had thought that the moon is the knight of day that saved her
v. so she fell in love, and she fell in love more and more each night. her tears became dusts that continued to blind her and poisoned her to think about forever. she drew a map within her edges, this is for her to look at when she’s lost in the moon’s light. she blew away the words that her mind whispered every day — the words that wanted to warn her. yes, she tried to be new. yes, she tried to become lovable. yes, she wants to be loved by the moon.
vi. but everything didn’t go the way she wanted and now she’s a dead body with a dying soul; the moon never looked at her, only shined for her, that’s why she crashed herself but only ended up being bones and a rib cage.
vii. this is when i stopped reading her like what i always do when i read books. i stopped reading her because i might cry. i said i’ll come back to where i paused and read her until the end but now she’s gone and i can’t remember anymore. no, i don’t want to remember. what i want is to follow her because the sound of her bones cracking and the smell of her unknown stories are calling me.
viii. so if you can read this in heaven, i want you to know that i’m talking about you; i want you to know that i’ll be following you.
(eusie.)
Fourier Series: An Almost-a-year Version
a.k.a. A Series of THIS IS FOR YOU’s
[11162013] Wow. Even the wind whispers your name.
[12012013] Sometimes, when I remember that you would never love me again, I remember to love you in silence.
[01192014] And so I wrote about you while half of my heart was aching.
[02262014] I asked yo to paint me once, but you chopped me into rhymes instead.
[03312014] I should have prepared myself for this. Now you’re stuck between my heartstrings.
[05202014] And I imagine that I can hug the moon, just as I imagine that I can hug you.
[05302014] You look at me and I swear, I almost felt your eyes bleed.
[06092014] I look at you and I swear, I almost felt the monster inside of me falling for you again.
[06172014] Please know that across the room, with 50 pairs of eyes, it’s still yours that I would want to stare at.
[07092014] I try to plaster your smile on my face just so I can fairly say that your smile is still mine.
[07172014] I’m still in love with you but I bet you don’t want me to be.
[07182014] And you’re not in love with me anymore because you don’t want yourself to be.
[09202014] When will I realize that sometimes, love is never having the one you want?
[11012014] Today is the day you died inside my heart. Hopefully.
(eusie.)
I can’t believe...
Half smiles broken wings I am out of feathers When will I ever be whole?
Deafening silence sunken eyes It is not comforting It is not pleasant Shaking voices heavy sighs Should I just let go? Should I just stop breathing? Oh, let me scream let me cry I wonder Why am I still alive?
(eusie.)
Probably not a poem
Saying what I feel isn’t easy as breathing but every day, I would want to express it to you as I need to breathe. The first gasp of air I make every morning when I wake up is like a whisper of your name that reminds me that my heart is alive to love you again. Then, the whole day just smells like you, like your scent lingers on the walls of our house and everything that surrounds me wherever I go. This just makes me miss you. While a few minutes later, I'll miss you more than how I missed you moments ago until I just start to yearn for you… until I just yearn for your eyes to look into mine again; for your voice to show off its magic as all of me feels tingly; for your lips to say my name or to make me feel loved; for your hands to touch me and make me shiver… or for you to just hug me so I can feel your warmth that assures me that you won’t leave me. Please, please don’t leave me even if there’s a thousand reasons why you should. I know sometimes (or more often) my words are daggers — my actions too, or even just my silence — and that I probably make you bleed every day. I know that I can never be enough (and I’m sorry for this), and that I can never love you the way you love me (but please know that I love you very much). But keep on loving me because I would want to soak under the rain of your love forever. I love you. I love you so much that sometimes it hurts deep inside that my tears don’t come out of my eyes but they pop out of my blood veins and contaminate me like they’re toxic. But I’m okay, I can still breathe. And you probably feel the same way, hiding all pieces of you that I have shattered every now and then — hiding them instead of throwing them at me to wound me. But you always say that you’re okay, that you can still breathe. Our love for each other (or our relationship) may not be perfect, maybe all just wounds that turned into scars, or maybe just all bruises that cannot disappear, but I hope… I really hope we can survive it like a ship that succeeded to pass through a lightning storm in the ocean. Let’s remind the world that people can live because of love. So let’s make it through everything with our hands entangled and our hearts connected to every heartstrings of the other. Let’s keep on loving each other... loving all the flaws and pieces of the other all the same.
(eusie.)