Latest Posts by thsdfnngslnc - Page 3
"She's not pregnant."
I remember when March whispered your name to my ears.
The sky is burning, and I’m beginning to think I’m going to die if I don’t go home already. But the wind hugs me tight, and it hugs me even tighter with every step I take; I keep going. The city is growing louder than usual as the day is starting to fall asleep. I begin talking to the afternoon lights as I pass by them, and I didn't worry about a thing.
That is, until I suddenly see someone we both know. She smiles as she laughs my name. Her voice resembles yours, I think. And the aroma of barbecue being sold nearby tickles my nose. I think of you again, and of our memories that the three of us have — memories of when we were still in high school.
We used to go home late, stay at the city park, and eat street foods. We used to laugh our heads off, and smile like every second was something to be proud of. We were glad, and even if the sky was on fire every time we were together, we knew we weren't. Each of us is our wings, and each of us taught each other how to fly. We were best friends. We are best friends. We just lost communication with each other after high school. But I know we still are.
I paste a smile on my lips — the one you particularly taught me — and ask her how her life had been. Even without saying that we missed each other, our voices are full of felicity that brings out the message for us instead. And the tears at the corner of our eyes catch them.
She says that she’s good while she answers back to the smile I give. Then I ask her about you. That’s when her face illuminates a bit disappointment, but all the while, a bit of concern. I wonder if should jokingly ask her why the long face. After a few seconds though, she smiles at me, and says just above a whisper, “Have you heard the rumors?”
I furrow my eyebrows at her question, and I swear the stars that are absent tonight explode in her eyes, like all at once. I want to ask you, what did you do to make her tear up like this? What did you do?
I mumble, “I think I know what you’re talking about, but I don’t believe it at all.” And I almost think that everything is now okay. Almost. Because she freezes, and I can feel the night getting colder with her smile hanging on her face like death has finally come for her and she’s still not ready.
“She’s not pregnant,” she says. “No, not like what everyone is saying.”
“Oh, that’s good then —”
“Because she already has a baby.”
“Oh.” Oh. And that is all that it took for my heart to squeeze itself. I don’t know what to feel exactly. Should I be mad at you? Should I pity you? Should I? What should I do? What should I feel? Tell me...
The night shows its sympathy with its howl serenading the fuck out of us. I hug her, just as I also want to hug you. Because I bet when you were lying on your bed, with the whole world judging you, you felt alone. So this is what I feel right now. I feel sorry, not because of what happened to you, but because you probably felt alone and sad and angry and maybe you cried yourself to sleep every night thinking you’re a disappointment. I’m sorry we weren't there.
This is when I promise myself, that I won’t be like the others. My heart didn't rip itself just to make you do the same when we’ll let you know that we know. I will still love you, and I will be here for you. This is what I remember that happened that night. And I will tell you this the next time we see each other. And I will make sure the universe will bow to smile on your face and claim that it’s what you deserve.
(eusie.)
let’s give up
the ground quakes with our frantic prayers writing our blood on billed papers during wars can you hear the cry from jeremy’s brain? our eyes meet and we know — do we really know? this battle ground will end with the sunset’s kiss but our eyes… our eyes still weep can you hear these troubled hearts’ wails? our eyes meet and nothing — “let’s give up”
(eusie.)
“you wrote that?” / “you asked me to.”
a.k.a. i’m in love with allen’s love for lu
*
i can feel it as it slowly decays this isn't love anymore last night, the sky was starless could the moon still be enough to light up the darkness?
**
i can feel you slowly drowning away are you still in love? last night, i heard you crying could i still be enough to stop you from aching?
(eusie.)
Midnight thoughts sometimes are murderous
Then suddenly, you find comfort from the aching inside your heart,
and that’s when you start questioning yourself.
You realize You’re —
Like a ghost, lost in transition, dizzy from all the city lights, and hurting because soulless;
who are you really?
What do you want to happen?
What do you want to do?
Electric, and pounding like a patriot’s howl against the moonlight, then you lose yourself again.
(eusie.)
But I think you write great?
Oh. Hi. Thanks. IDK if this is how you meant to write this compliment(?). But with that question mark at the end, I think you’re even questioning yourself if I really write great. Lol. But if you really mean it, then thanks, like seriously. Good evening
MATUTULOG NA AKO TAPOS PAPAIYAKIN MO AKO. WAG GANITO BES. MAMAMAGA MATA KO. ABA. SUSME. MAGSUSUOT AKO NG SHADES BUKAS NITO. PERO SALAMAT KULOT. LECHE KA. DI NA AKO NAG ENGLISH
PERO KAYA PALA DI KA MAN LANG MAGREPLY SA MGA MESSAGES KO. KALOKA
SAKA AYOS LANG YAN, NAIINTINDIHAN KO (the books part). ALSO, ANG GANDA AT ANG GALING BES. SHET. LOVE YOU XX
PS SIGE. PAGBIBIGYAN KITA NA MAGANDA KA. LOL. MAGANDA KA NAMAN. IN YOUR OWN WAY, PERO BES BALANG ARAW, MAY MAMAMANGHA SA KAGANDAHAN MO. PROMISE YAN
A promise
She smiles.
Time itself stops.
She feels like a good music.
A song in the wind.
A good song different (in) every single phrase.
Happy 21st birthday, you, mother of three dragons. HA! I just want to say that this is my first black-out poetry and it is about you (and you should be thankful). This is my way of telling you, I am lucky to be your friend and I am thankful that I am beautiful. oops! hahaha What I’m trying to say is, Happy birthday to you, my friend. I will always be here, Raphabelle (@thsdfnngslnc ).
Love, Khayonardo :)
PS. to answer your unasked questions, Yes, this is my book (from Every Day by David Levithan page 11), and yes, this edited. I love you but I love my books, too. I know you understand that. HAHAHAHAHA
pieces by pieces, pt. 1
i kiss your name to the stars / and i write your eyes on my skin / i wish i couldn’t smell your lips every time they curl into a smile / because even if i can’t taste your love, these feelings just wouldn’t sink / i end up with a pair of dead lungs from breathing too much of you / but too much is never enough, and so i desire more / if i need to be brutally honest, i hereby confess / there isn’t anything in this world i’d rather take in but the endless melody of the pain of you / you’re way too out of reach, these hands of mine are knocked out / and there’s no need to call out your name, you wouldn’t hear me anyway / but still, when i close my eyes, it feels like you’re close / echoing how you love me even if you don’t / your shadow is my moon on a dusky night / along with the dancing smoke coming from your cigarette kissed lips / but your walls are tremendously and sensibly high / will i ever see the sunrise from your eyes?
(eusie.)
an interview with my neighbor
part 2: macy edwards-johansson
i knocked on the door with a force that could break my knuckles as if my heart isn't enough with all its pieces crumbled to the tiles of the doorway
please don't let this one break me again
macy wasn't always home she looks for it in certain places and from a number of persons i wouldn't want to know
"home shouldn't be about the t.v. going nuts as you rest on your couch after a long day “so you sleep instead and it should be okay “home shouldn't be being aware of the bloody smoke coming from your cigarette that will blind you from living “but you choose to give in anyway because damn it, you're already dead from all these shit happening in your life “home should be sitting on the bottom of stairs with no one to calm you down “but the walls lull to you that it's okay to cry so you cry “home, to me, is when you want to be fucked up “so your home fucks you up, but in the end, it stays beside you, unbroken and full to cope up with your brokenness and emptiness"
she wants to be loved so fucking bad i don’t know if she’ll ever get to find someone who’ll make her feel home
macy didn't respond on the first to three banging on the door
i hoped she's somewhere inside sleeping peacefully and not anywhere hugging her fingers on bottle necks, getting damn wasted
i shouted her name and then her house shrieked her door slowly danced open, revealing macy with droopy eyes
before i can even drop a phrase, she whispered gently — and i saw the universe glowing in her eyes —
“i finally found my home”
and that was all i needed for today
(eusie.)
i exist
you ask me if i’m fine. i say i’m fine. you look at me with one eyebrow raised, but you didn’t do anything after that. all these nights when you feel like shit, i swear i can feel your soul tearing apart with just one look at you. and you give your heart out as if you’re making love to me. but i know it’s only your sadness flowing out. and it’s not about the fact that you’re actually falling for me, or that you actually like talking to me. i ask myself what did i ever do wrong to be treated and feel this way. i ask myself what would i give for you to at least show that you care even for a damn minute, or a damn second. i just want you to know, i really need you to know... i exist; this heart inside of mine is beating. and it used to scream your name, but now it only stutters out each letter with so much pain as if with every one, one of my heartstrings break. i exist; the love i feel for you is real and it’s not made up. i exist; yes, you acknowledge that. but not entirely, only when you need someone when the one you actually need doesn’t want you. and yeah, i only exist during those times. am i fine? no, i’m not. but you wouldn’t know, because you wouldn’t care. i exist; i am human, and i have feelings. don’t break these pieces of my heart and shutter them more than they already are. i exist; can’t you see? (eusie.)
Louis T., 2013. “Always” (p. 28, para. 9)
a.k.a. This is actually about the day after we got married
An aftertaste remains permanent on my tongue like the kiss stains on my hair. The curtains keep calling out for the sun to get out of the room, and you notice I do the same. But you still travel your fingers on my naked skin. The night before shines on your eyes and I already miss your moans. You get up and scare off the sunlight, scolding it that it’s hurting me. I hold out my hand and caress your shadow dancing on the bed sheet. I hear you whisper, “I’ll make breakfast.” You make your way to me and pass the stars on your lips to the skies deep down my throat. But you didn’t move at all after that. We keep on tracing the constellations on our mouths. The bed creaks loudly, but I can hear the smile forming on your face as you fix yourself beside me again. “Have me instead,” I mumble, then I grin. I’m happy. You’re happy. We’re blissfully staring at each other’s eyes, knowing that finally, we won. But today is another day, and so is tomorrow. There will be mountains to climb again, and I know we both need each other to keep our feet chained on the ground. I wouldn’t let you sail off without me. You wouldn’t let me drown without you. “I love you,” you sing to me. And I hum, “Always.”
(eusie.)
This is not a poem but this quote reminds me of you. "She is so lost in her sadness that she has no idea how visible it is. I think I understand her—for a moment, I presume to understand her— but then, from within this sadness, she surprises me with a brief flash of determination. Bravery, even. " – David Levithan, Every Day // I can't promise you a poem or story, but someday I'll write about you. ~k
But why do I think that the quote reminds me of you, and not of myself? Haha. Thanks anyway, K
No need to rush though, keep writing about yourself first, and of course, about him. Haha
you should spread your smile on my neck, and eat me like i’m your favorite breakfast. then i'll bite the crumbs on your shoulder blades; baby, you're the sweetest dessert
on the table (eusie.)
What does your URL mean?
Do you know the band, Mayday Parade? If yes, I bet you know their song, “You Be The Anchor That Keeps My Feet On The Ground, I’ll Be The Wings That Keep Your Heart In The Clouds“.
My URL is from its lyrics, the part in the chorus that says, Does this deafening silence mean nothing to no one but me? This like, spoke to me, or something.
Anyway, my original URL was supposed to be deafeningsilence but it was already taken so I removed the vowels instead. And I got dfnngslnc. If you know my other accounts, this was always my username.
But, at some point or years ago, I left tumblr. I deactiviated, but eventually I came back. My old URL though is not available anymore. So I added ths, which is “this” without the vowel i, and that’s how I got my URL now: thsdfnngslnc.
Old ones
Four years, and (almost probably) four months — later, used to be clear, now just more than a blur; twitching every time these eyes are caught, too many stories etched, and not even told; hushed pleas are not pleas at all, so why?; loading bullets to a gun, waiting for the blow, of a mention of a name, of anything at all…;
Muffled screams inside these (five) throats — saying, old ones sure are gold, but old ones rust; bombs threatening to fall, each close distance, when will they decide to bury these bones?;
But, so far (it’s alright), it’s alright
(eusie.)
tell me if it doesn't suffocate you when you see his lips dance with someone else's
i’m telling you, i know the feeling (eusie.)
How to spell?
She starts to talk about Mississippi, and across these ill-painted walls, I hear a whisper. You’re a fool for her.
I remember when my mother used to say, “Don’t use all of your heart,” and “Leave a little bit of love for yourself.” I always rolled my eyes, because I didn’t know back then. And now, if my mother would yell at me for being this close to giving myself up just so she can say she loves me back, I wouldn’t care.
Fighting the urge to caress her cheek, I fond over her smile. She continues to go on about attending her favorite band’s concerts. Her eyes burning like she’s on fire. She says she’s excited to wear her tight black dress if she ever has a chance to go. I notice how her face’s suddenly painted in crimson as she longingly looks to a distance. Then she says, “I want to be kissed by someone as we listen to my favorite song being sang live.”
I could feel my soul closing in on her and kiss her lips, as if I’m the one that she wanted to be with her. But I know she doesn’t. So I pull myself back, and try not to feel hurt.
I return into trance when she mentions my name. That’s when all of my insides dry. But fuck. Her voice is like my blood, and the way the letters of my name slip from her tongue, I would think that she was the one who weaved my being. I ask her what else does she want to talk about.
And if I lose myself once again with just by her presence, I wouldn’t want her to know. I’ll just let her continue to tell the things she dreams about, even if I’m not one of them.
I’m a fool for her. Yes, I am.
(eusie.)
Version -4.9.2.19.13.6.20
a.k.a. You’re another word for “Oh”
He is the ocean, but you are the sky. I can see the horizon in your eyes. Even if your soul failed to reflect his bright smile, your own smile blinded me. Don’t worry if you remind me of him. I may say that you made me remember how he looked like, but between the two of you, I would choose to memorize the features of your face. If my hands suddenly caress your skin, take a breath and let the warmth of my touch soak inside your veins. And you’ll know, that even if he is the ocean, you are the sky. You are the sky and the ocean mirrors your color.
Hello, it isn’t me.
I don’t know when I started to feel the coldness of my bed. But these sheets beat me when it comes to the realization of the absence of your warmth. It took me days to understand that you won’t march back in with all the stars in your eyes. I never tried to open the lights after the day you stormed out, for I don’t know if I can stand to not see your shadows moving in to hug me from behind. Or to sneak downstairs at dawn just to let me wake up to the smell of pancakes or macaroons. I left the kitchen sink on, just so I’m not the only one who continuously fill one’s self with wasted tears. The house is a mess just as I am. Everything is flooded with our memories, and I feel like I was blinded by the smell of your breath every time you mention my name.
I guess, I just really miss you. But I won’t admit it yet.
(eusie.)
19:34
My lips fail to be in sync with my heart’s desire, so I relied on my hands.
But with every paper filled with smudges from my fingertips, I have realized,
I can never write everything down the same way I used to…
when I was a chaos but my heart wasn’t.
(eusie.)
And I just let her use me
...she wouldn’t let me kiss her on her lips anymore but she wiggles out a moan every time when i’m in between her legs and she tells me it’s okay
then every time after she walks away with her clothes along with my soul wrapped in her body as she looks at me and say she’ll come back again
hey isla. is it alright if you write me a poem? hindi ako makapagsulat ngayon eh, but i really want a poem right now. you know who this is, although we're not really close, so it's okay if you don't want to. good evening -uc
Hello UC! :) I hope you’re doing just fine. Here’s your poem (:she lies in her bed tonight staring at the ceiling, clutching her chestshe’s thinking of the last time when someone cut her chest openwith lies and false promisesbut tonight she’s afraid;she’s fragile and weaksomeone’s gonna cut her open againwith kisses leaving heartaches and the poor girl knowsshe’s about to get hurt
Half-finished Love Affair
a.k.a. To Dean (before I found out your name was actually Liam), from Nicole
I once told you that I can hear the words “I love you” from your every smile, but you laughed and shut my words away to evaporate in silence. I was so in love with you that time that I didn’t took your sexy laughter as a warning of what was the real deal. I was too blinded by the sun in your eyes that I turned into your every own sunflower. I was too hooked with the taste of night skies on your lips that I painted myself with stars. I was too creamed by the mayhem of your fingertips that I became a catastrophe. I was too engrossed with every melody of your voice that I started to write you a love song name after you. I was so in love with you. And it was too late when I realized that you have been feeding me with thorns and I was a fool for swallowing them. You have been giving me promises that were already shattered that my palms bleed when I hold on to them. You have been poisoning my body that I couldn't go on with my life because I am intoxicated. It was too late when I realized that I was a joke for you when you were real for me.
(eusie.)
an interview with my neighbor
part 1: mr jameson coles
frozen cookies are his favorite snacks; he said he likes his heart cold. he even likes to fill the path to his house with burned out roses. “because no one likes a love dwindled to nothing,” he replied when i asked why. sad love, sad love, sad love, i heard his eyes whisper. my heart ached. he always met sunrises with cold coffee which he made every night before. and he didn’t care if his shower won’t work anymore. “where do you take baths then?” he answered that his soul keeps wandering around anywhere but here. he likes the smell of nails. and he said he knows what everyone thought of him. the paintings in his living room always sing to him in a melody that resembled a voice in his past. he didn’t tell me a name. but he said his past liked every time it snows. “do you like it when it snows?” he then asked me. then there was a story behind his eyes that echoed out memories. sad love, sad love, sad love, i heard myself whisper. he secludes himself; he said it’s because he’s waiting. for a future he planned long ago with someone who’s not here anymore. the room surrounded us with an atmosphere that felt like i was traveling backwards. a howling wind screamed pain throughout as he looked outside the windows. then slowly, but tearfully, he murmured, “a sad love, isn’t it?”
(eusie.)
I don’t know what to do anymore
1. It's 3:29 AM; please let me sleep. My eyes are your prisoners, even my mind is still hanging at the tip of your tongue. I am out of tears, and my throat is dry that I stopped calling your name since midnight, because I know you wouldn't hear me. You painted me transparent. Please, I want to stay alive. Can you share with me the air you have in your lungs once again? Please take back what you said on leaving me. Look at me again. Look back. Undo everything.
2. Why did you give me up?
3. The phone rang a few times this morning. But I couldn't have the courage to pick it up, because I'm afraid that when I find out it's not you who's calling, I might collapse. I'm afraid that when it's someone we know who goes asking about what happened, I will be speechless. I'm afraid that when they ask about you, when they mention your name, I could yell at them. How can they say your name so easily? Because when it comes to me, I cry at once at the sound of the first letter.
4. I tried to kill myself last night. But when I got hold of the gun, I started crying for hours.
5. People kept telling that I shouldn't be like this. They say they understand me. But I know they don't. They wouldn't even try to, because they don't know how it felt to be thrown away.
6. I miss you. I miss you to the point that I hear your voice coming out of my mouth whenever I speak like it's my own. Sometimes I sing to myself with my hands clinging to the air because I imagine you dancing with me. But that makes me yearn more of you. I want you here now beside me. I want you to be here staring into my eyes while I stare at yours. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you.
7. Mom said she threw your favorite book. She didn't know later when evening came, even when it was raining, I swam across our garden and crawled all the way to where we keep the garbage. I tried to find it hoping that when I do, in the morning, you'll find me. I failed.
8. I remember when my friends said to me, "What's the worst thing that could happen?" And that time, I wanted to believe that there will be none. But now, a few days later, I realized, the answer to it was me.
9. A friend asked about you. I answered that you were dead. Maybe because I thought it would hurt less but instead, it hurt more. Maybe because you weren’t, you’re still alive but you’re gone and out of my life. And I’m the one who’s dying. I’m the one who’s dead. I’m a living corpse.
10. Where are you? I want to come to you.
11. The radio is playing ‘Chasing Cars’ again. Every now and then it makes me think of you. After each song, I cry until the night dies. You’re stuck inside my head again. It’s painful thinking that my thoughts are full of you and yours aren’t full of me. Do you know that the part where it says, ‘Those three words are sad too much. They’re not enough,’ is the one that affects me the most? Not because it’s exactly what you said to me but because I realized it was true. And I realized that ‘I love you’ doesn’t always mean ‘I’ll love you forever.’ You’re the one who taught me that. But I keep on asking myself, why did I do to make you stop on loving me?
12. I am corrupted by you.
13. Every day of my whole life since you were gone has been dark. Every day seemed to be always night. Perhaps because of the black hole inside my chest that you left.
14. I saw the letters that you’ve written months ago. I tried to kiss them one by one but they all turned to ashes. And they got inside my eyes. I cried again.
15. I am scared to look at the mirror. I am frightened to look at myself, and get a sight of myself but see a whole lot of you. I am terrified to see the remains of you that you left in me because it only means you’re totally gone and you took my soul with you. I fear that I’ll finally admit to myself that when I lost you, I also lost myself.
(eusie.)