"I Felt There Was No Point In Telling Anyone Anything That Was Happening Inside Me."

isnt it funny how calling people out on their shit makes you the bad guy?

ayo like this or hmu if you wanna rp some kazuscara, i don’t mind which character i play. dead dove welcomed. discord only.

how do you tell someone “i’m not ignoring you i’m just disconnected from reality right now and the days are all blurred together and i feel completely apathetic towards everyone/everything around me so it’s really hard for me to maintain a conversation” without saying that

·̩̩̥͙＊*•̩̩͙✩•̩̩͙*˚ RP Finder ˚*•̩̩͙✩•̩̩͙*˚＊·̩̩̥͙

Hello, folks. I’m writing another RP finder as I have a never-ending suspire for more.

About me: Fluent English, literate/advanced literate, 18+, and I write on Discord. I am down for any kind of plot, this includes controversial topics.

What I’m looking for: I prefer to play MxM or FxF. The characters I play are written in purple:

Genshin: Razor x Bennett, Gorou x Heizou, Xingqiu x Chongyun, Kazuha x Scaramouche, Tighnari x Cyno

Arcane: Caitlyn x Vi, Viktor x Jayce, Jinx x Ekko, Jinx x Vi (platonic), Jinx x Isha (platonic)

Yuri on Ice: Yuri P x Otabek

Wednesday: Wednesday x Enid

Sk8 the Infinity: Langa x Reki

Haikyuu: Kenma x Kuroo

Overwatch: Hanzo x Cassidy, Hanzo x Genji

AIB: Chishiya x Arisu, Chishiya x Niragi

Please either like this post or DM me and we can plot something together. I love head-cannoning, sharing fanart, and becoming friends OOC. Please consider! Thanks ˶ˆ꒳ˆ˵

maybe all the signs were there-

maybe i just refused to see them.

after all, red flags just look like flags when you see them through rose colored glasses.

-why did i believe you when you said you'd never hurt me? c.r.

I'm so fucking sad it hurts. I honestly don't remember the last time I truly ever felt happy even as a small child. I remember feeling depressed but not knowing what that was. I felt such satisfaction from traumatic things, inflicting pain and violence, self torture and hatred. I don't know if I truly deserve to be happy I don't know what to do.

Purple: Rambling #2

16th April 2022, 23:42

Well, I suppose I should start with one of my bad thoughts. There is this girl in my class who is the embodiment of a queen bee. I absolutely loathe her. Not only is she self-centred, she is patronising and slanderous. I am sick and tired of being slandered. I know I think of bad things, but I never enact them. She is a vile human being. Her personality makes me want to shoot staples through my eyeballs. Talking to her is like talking to a brick wall. She is so unbelievably narcissistic. Don’t get me wrong, I’m incredibly narcissistic myself, but I deserve to be. The way I see things is that because I have had so much wrongdoing to me, I am allowed to be egotistical. I tried to be a good person, I tried to be nice, and what did I get in return? I got kicked to the dirt. I am not dirt. I am better than every other human being. I will do anything to achieve my full potential even if it is to the detriment of others. This girl, however, is nothing but bacteria. In fact, that’s offensive to bacteria. This girl is a waste of space and that’s saying something because the universe is humongous. This girl wastes human resources. She wastes food, she wastes energy, she wastes water, she wastes the air that we breathe. There is nothing magnificent about her. She would be doing the world a favour if she died. I hope she does. I would love to watch it myself. I would love to wrap both my hands around her neck and watch the flame slowly burn out behind her eyes. I want to see the fear in those eyes with my reflection prominent across. I want her to gag, to choke, for her tears to congeal with the snot from her nose. I would sit on top of her and use the sole of my boots to keep her wrists pinned down. I would strangle her until her face turned purple. God, isn’t purple such a lovely colour? She should have known better than to mess with me. Too many people have messed with me. There is only so much more I can handle before I finally snap. It would be so wonderful to watch her die, to watch her feel the pain that she inflicted onto me. How dare she pain me? The audacity she has to even look in my direction! I am above her. She is nothing but a worm. Karma is coming.

~ 化け猫 (Bakeneko)

Contradiction: Rambling #3

16th April 2022, 23:53

I am a walking contradiction. I am in constant battle with myself. Sometimes I’m a boy, sometimes I’m a girl. Sometimes I’m a top, sometimes I’m a bottom. Sometimes I’m attracted to boys, sometimes I’m attracted to girls. Sometimes I want to get better, sometimes I want to see how worse I can get. Sometimes I want to be a good person, sometimes I want to kill people. Sometimes I am empathetic, sometimes I am apathetic. Sometimes I feel like the smartest, most beautiful person alive, sometimes I feel nothing short of a disgusting failure. That’s why my username is tokidokioki (sometimes okay). These are just a few examples among many. I don’t know what is wrong with me. Am I two faced? Do I have multiple personalities? A split personality? It is because I am a gemini? I feel like I’m faux, like I am an imposter. I don’t feel like I have a real personality because I’m always switching and swapping between things. I just want to know who I am. Who am I? What am I?

~ 化け猫 (Bakeneko)

It shouldn't be humanly possible to feel this low and alone.

Easter: Rambling #7

17th April 2022, 15:29

Easter is definitely one of my least hated celebrations. That goes alongside Halloween. I don’t like Valentine’s Day, Christmas, or New Year. I think that is because they’re all about love and family, and I barely have those two things. There are two points, however, that I dislike about Easter. The first is all the chocolate. I have difficulties with my eating. I want to be the thinnest in my friend group. I want to look unwell, pale, and bony. Sometimes I don’t eat to try and achieve this. As of now, I am the thinnest in my group and my family. This feels like a great achievement. Secondly, I don’t like all the middle class things I have to see being broadcasted across media. I hate the little Easter caricatures, or the community Easter egg hunts. It makes me feel sick. How dare these people enjoy life when there are others out there, including me, who can barely walk five steps without feeling like I’m about to be swallowed into purgatory? My mum didn’t do much for Easter this year. Usually she would hide chocolate eggs for me or make me a treasure hunt. I instinctively started looking around when I came downstairs. Of course, there was nothing there. I was disappointed, but I couldn’t blame her. She’s depressed and suicidal at the moment. On the one hand, I love her and I wish I could help her more. On the other hand, I still feel betrayed over the fact that she didn’t defend me when I was being abused. I was completely alone, isolated, and she allowed it to happen. That’s something I will never forgive, no matter how wonderful of a mother she has been to me and all the things she has helped me with over the years. Easter also reminds me of the disappointment I felt as a child. My sister and I were so excited. We waited upstairs for hours, waiting to be told we could come down and see what Easter Bunny had left for us. We waited so long that we had to call down and ask if we could come down. They said yes. We ran downstairs and were met with nothing. Nada. Zilch. The sadness was immeasurable. My father was surrounded by beer bottles. He told us to take the dog (who is now dead and sadly missed) for a walk. We obeyed. When we came home, there was chocolate for us. Of course, I knew what had happened, but I didn’t want to believe it. I acknowledge it now as an adult. My mother had bought the chocolate and left my dad to hide them around the house and garden. My father, instead, got drunk and fell asleep. I feel bad for the effort my mother put in. This happened two years in a row. They divorced not long after that. Not because of Easter, just because my father was an abusive piece of shit. I didn’t deserve what happened to me. My sister didn’t deserve what happened to her (I will stand by that, despite the fact that my sister was incredibly abusive towards me). My mum deserved to be happy, and now look at her. She’s so depressed that Easter has reverted back to my childhood. What a shame.

~ 化け猫 (Bakeneko)