So Am I The Only One That Gets More And More (silent) Panic Attacks When I Get Emotionally Extremely

bpd culture is daydreaming 24/7 as a coping mechanism and wishing i could just sleep forever already

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What even is love?

I don't know how it feels.

I only know the feeling of obsession.

I LOVE you for some days, but then there is NOTHING. I feel nothing.

I don't know if i love you, i don't want to hurt you.

At some point you make me feel safe, on the other you scare me.

Fuck, i don't know what to do.

Episodes

First of all, English isn´t my first language. Secondly, please be aware that every Borderline Personality Feels different. Lastly, Triggerwarning! i am not sure how this affects others.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------ "I can handle your Episodes!" They say,

Until they experience the first Depression episode, realising that i may accept their hugs but won´t feel better. Perhaps trying to say nice words, unfortunately triggering a Rage Episode.

They realise, that they actually can´t really help and that (surprise surprise) Episodes do change the Personality. Until they experience the first splitting episode, realising that i won´t insult them or hurt them physically. They will feel like i hate them, because with this episode having the upperhand, i do.

until they realise that i am not the girl they started to like anymore, perhaps i don´t even know myself who i am at some points. And if i get back to the person they got to know first, back in the infinite emptyness i found comfort in and have my own mind back, feeling guilty and sorry. Are they able to handle it? every single day?

because i can´t. i am trying to help myself, get therapy, taking meds. i don´t want them to suffer because of me, i am scared of getting emotionally attached again. scared to loose them before i even got them.

But i don´t judge them for leaving again neither, because i am aware of how rough it can get. Yet i can´t change it, everything getting numb with a new episode. My own head yelling at me, insulting me on the worst way possible.

How could they understand without having it themselves? the feeling of fire inside of you, the pressure, the pain, the helplessness, the anxiety, the overwhelming emotion rolling over your body, daring to crush you.

so much the touch of others scares you to death, scared they would let you explode, their voices blurred and seemingly only there to judge even if they aren´t.

Its just to much.

Do they still think they can handle my episodes? even if, do they truly want to?

------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Maybe, just maybe we all can figure our way out of hell alive some day. Find a person who can handle any of our personalitys, without letting it crush themselve. Don´t give up. Thanks for reading, have a nice day <;3

Since i got my first tattoo i wanna have more (impulsive ones) 😭

Someone stop me i'm broke.

Plus, I found to much comfort in that pain oop~

Sometimes wonder how things will be if I manage to do it until I am like, 70.

Like, i would probably be a hated, grumpy old women and would still have bpd. Like.

It really does never leave.

Hm, i don't want to get that old anyway but its kinda weird to think about that, also I am pretty sure the old days would be extremely hard to deal with, constantly reminding how your body is to old to do the things you loved to do.

Something bad is 'bout to happen to me I don't know it, but I feel it coming.

Might be so sad, might leave my nose running.

I just hope they don't wanna leave me.

Don't you give me up, please don't give up

Honey, I belong with you, and only you, baby.

This song is so bpd related.

I hate you, but please don't leave me.

I'm so tired of life, of not knowing who i am or how i am. Lately i can't even feel pity if someone tells me something sad.

I can't see people as white anymore until Splitting is suddenly over. I only splitted during being depressed for a long time now and since yesterday i feel like I never was depressed and i feel some weird euphoria and nothing at the same time.

Friday during therapy I got really pissed at my therapist for constantly asking me how i feel or why i feel like that because i don't know myself. I wanted to run away. I said sorry afterwards tho.

How long will it takes her to drop me?

Or actually helping me heal?

Because i don't know how to help myself anymore.

Talking about healing-

I see rarely people talk about how wrong it feels to let yourself getting healed, getting help. it is not wrong at all of course, its good.

But it feels wrong.

Like, its hard to explain. Speaking for me, i struggle with myself (as far as I remember) since i am 6/7 and it only got worser.

And now you wanna tell me i can drop most of it?

Something inside me doesn't believe I can be happy. I can't find things that makes me happy for longer than a hour, max a day.

Something inside me doesn't want to.

Because i found to much comfort in my own suffering. The only thing that always was with me, that never left, are the feelings that came with my mental illnesses.

I just don't understand how i am supposed to feel like. To think like.

I want to heal myself, to get better, be better for persons around me. I want to learn to control my bpd.

But I am really scared.

Its easier to live for someone else than just for me.

Me, looking in the mirror: hm i don't even look that bad.

Also me, 5 mins later: nevermind.