the problem is I'm craving for men's attention... I always see myself as a whore.
Being surrounded by men makes me feel secure and...wanted
Alongside, people who do not reciprocate my feelings are more attractive than those who do otherwise.
I'm that ungrateful girl as I'm still seeking other men (or women) while I have one who is willing to accept my true self.
the issue here lies between I need external validation and i love being the center of attention
I love it when ppl say I'm pretty, a good kisser, the goddess on the sheet, a motherly figure, smart or independent. they define my self-worth. however, it comes to my subconscious mind that - sadly - I'm attempting to fit men's conventional standards. You can guess where I lead to be? yes, that pick-me-girl type
Been aware that my childhood has shaped me into what I am today and fixing is a loooooong journey. i dont make any improvement yet. it's so fckin hard to be consistent and disciplined. see? im still struggling.
in reality, I really understand the reason why I was cheating or seeking other opportunities is to find security. my birth chart said that I can grow if I have been in a stable environment. stable here means in a secure place literally - figuratively. yet, i can confirm this is 100% accurate.
how can I create this safe place on my own? everyday, i have battles to win for
how can i be independent?
how can I stand up for myself?
how can i stay loyal and be grateful for what I have now?
do I feel enough?
Sedang asyik menikmati keseloan Yogyakarta, tiba-tiba dapat kabar Bendungan Hilir (Benhil) terkena banjir. Tingginya sudah sepaha orang dewasa.
Berbagai skenario muncul di kelapa eh kepala. Dari skenario kos tergenang sampai skenario yang akan terjadi saat saya tiba di Jakarta. Konon, Benhil kawasan langganan banjir, jadi, tidak heran lagi. Tapi momen Jakarta banjir di awal tahun ini cukup mengundang reaksi gaduh. Banjir kali ini juga "menular" ke Bekasi, Tangerang dan Bandung. Pada tanggal 1 Januari, teman ayah menelepon bahwa ia harus kembali ke Bekasi dari lawatan di Yogyakarta karena banjir di rumahnya sudah mencapai 20 sentimeter. Tak lama kemudian, sahabat saya mengabarkan bahwa kompleks perumahannya aman dari banjir, namun tidak di area kakak iparnya. Kakak iparnya harus dievakuasi. Kabar ular yang ikut berenang di Bekasi bukan isapan jempol belaka karena tak jauh dari sana, sudah ditemukan ular-ular kecil berenang bebas santuy.
Tak kalah pentingnya adalah sorotan media perihal kebijakan naturalisasi sungai yang dianggap gagal. Singkatnya ada perbedaan pendapat antara Anies Baswedan dan Badan Nasional Penanggulangan Bencana (BNBP). Menurut Anies, titik hulu menjadi fokus penyelesaian masalah (ini sebelum banjir terjadi). BNBP tidak sependapat karena permasalahannya bukan di hulu atau hilir, melainkan hulu dan hilir. Dua titik itu yang harus diselesaikan bersama-sama.
Saya sebagai penumpang di Jakarta hanya bisa berdoa, semoga banjir di semua titik bisa surut supaya kami bisa beraktivitas lagi. Ya meskipun menurut BMKG mengatakan bulan Februari dan Maret puncak-puncaknya hujan, tapi semoga kita berada di lindungan Sang Kuasa. Aamiin.
Akhir-akhir ini suka mencari scented candle yang fungsinya meningkatkan produktivitas. Kebetulan saat belanja di PIM tadi, Bath & BodyWorks sedang ada promo, harganya menjadi 290 rib.
Setelah tanya-tanya ke pramuniaga, akhirnya aku memilih varian ini. Aromanya seperti sabun Cussons dan lembut. Mungkin karena baru sehari, efek lilin inj belum begitu terasa ke produktivitas. Namun bisa aku jamin, baunya tercium hingga jarak setengah meter. Akan aku edit pos ini bila ada perubahan bau
"ekwɪˈlɪbriəm/ [uncountable, singular] a state of balance, especially between different forces or influences.
have we reached that? or.. did we really head there?
I've invested my priceless assets: heart and mind. Something that you mocked me for being unrealistic. but im proudly say my talent is falling in love deeply, I could even win some prizes due to my holy mastery.
probably, our love languages are different, we just have another view on stability, or the most important one: how we prioritize and we merely leave it under the rug
Semoga kita mencintai dengan berani
In 5 seconds, you can close that Instagram tab in your laptop and regain your focus back.
VATH, the focus one
Ingrid Bergman in Stromboli (1950) dir. Roberto Rossellini
If you’re avoiding something that scares you because it feels like too much, you never learn to overcome your fear and live more freely. Some forms of avoidance cause additional problems also; for example, binge drinking regularly whenever you’re sad can have some lasting consequences.”
(Psych Central)
Kebahagianku hari ini sesederhana mencium aroma apel di kamar mandi.
i need cuddle :(
She/ her; A quiet one with loudest mind. Uttering any thoughts and recounting.
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