Insecurity - Blog Posts

kill your insecurities

I just reada really good fic but halfway through I realized "oh shit this is really familiar.... didn't I write something like this once?" And as I kept reading I kept predicting what happened next and the further I went the more convinced I was that they'd ripped off my story-

like, copied the ENTIRE plot and re-written it, just better than I had? The characters were more fleshed-out than mine were, and the POV was more interesting, and the pace made more sense- but it was MY STORY?

So close to the end I was like "holy shit.. do I message them? Ask if my story inspired theirs? Should I be angry? Flattered?" Cause their tags and description didn't mention me AT ALL, which, sure, it's fanfiction to begin with, but if you're using my work than at least credit me as inspo, right? Just to be courteous?

But I get to the end of the final chapter, and it's not finished, and I'm kind of disappointed cause I never finished my story and I was really immersed in their version now and had been looking forwards to seeing how they tied up my loose ends- so I scroll to the bottom to leave a comment, and.

It's MY URL.

IT WAS MY STORY THE WHOLE TIME.

THE ONE *I WROTE*.

In *2013*.

And FORGOT ABOUT

BECAUSE I WAS SO INSECURE ABOUT MY SLOPPY, SHALLOW, AMETEUR WRITING

And I'm just sitting here now staring into space thinking about every shitty story I've ever written now like

IT WAS ALL GOOD?

IT WAS GOOD THIS WHOLE DAMN TIME??

I'M A GOOD WRITER?????

I need someone to care like this. I need someone to mourn me.

pov- When you feel actually pretty and then remember you have a body.

Having a husband who is constantly expressing his love and how attracted he is to me is so wonderful 😭 having struggled with weight and just not feeling my prettiest the last few years because of it has been rough. But never once have I had to question my husband's feels about me ❤️ I wish I could see me the way he see me because I would never have a single insecurity again

"you're safe with me babe, you can sleep. i'm not leaving, you know..." they just smiled while staring at you getting active again. you wanted to believe them but how? what if they needed someting and needed your help to find it? what if they couldn't sleep? it was the first time they were coming over to your house after five months of relationship. "are you sure?" you asked. they didnt even repond. simply wrapping their arm around your waist and then they hugged you tight against them. they put their head on your back and sigh hapily. you were feeling so calm for the first time since so long, too long. tighly squeezed against them, feeling their warmth spread throught your body. honestly, you just knew that this relationship wasnt gonna last. they were going to leave you so you just wanted to enjoy this pure moment of happiness. yeah they were gonna leave you, because you were not like them. you weren't really smart, not pretty funny either and certainly not pretty. you often think about the fact that they maybe do not even love you, that this is a bet given by their friends to make fun of you. but five month is pretty long for a stupid bet, right ? you didn't know at this point, staring blankly at the wall. you wanted to cry. great, here you go again, always getting so fucking emotive and for nothing. of course they were gonna leave you, you were just so damn boring.

but you just wanted a hug.

It’s like 1:00 am and I keep having these weird thoughts so I’m just gonna post them here because I feel like if any site is gonna get me it would be this site. I keep having these weird thoughts because I’m super insecure but I’m also super nice so my brain sometimes just puts me in weird, impossible situations. The most common though I have is if I ever met someone who looked exactly like me or if I ever met another me that was the exact same as I am now how would I react. My brain typically does this when I’m being self deprecating and I’m overwhelmed so my first thought is typically that I’m ugly but then my brain starts berating me for being mean to this not real person who looks exactly like me. I then go in circles about this for about an hour until I force myself to sleep or I get distracted by something else.

My first pride month (sorry, there's a lot text here)

Last October, I started questioning my sexuality. I was (and still am, really) an insecure person. So when I started questioning that particular aspect of my personality, accompanying thoughts began to creep in: "Seriously? You are already 20! You never questioned yourself before, but right now decided to? Why? Got bored because of the large amount of free time? Have you forgotten, that you study at the university?! You must focus your thought on this, not that! Why don't you get back to the box, where you exist as a standard girl, who is confident at least in some parts of her identity? Where everything is more simple."

Summarize of my personal experience:

I got interested in R-rated content only because I thought that I was lagging behind the others: "Okay, my classmates got interested into all of this stuff 2 years ago. I guess I should too. That's what teens usually do, right?"

I had crushes (on fictional characters, celebrities and a few classmates), but it was more like an admiration, appreciation of their aesthetic beauty (like a sculpture or a painting) or love for their personality. And I never wanted to "bone" them. Seeing an image of a favourite character on a dakimakura was feeling like: "Oh, okay. I can see the creator's train of thoughts. I appreciate the quality of work. I don't mind other people wanting to buy something like that. But it's not something I would like to have. Seeing a character half-naked seems like I'm violating their personal space. Too intimate. I would rather have a pin or a poster." I am more into fluff. Also like the idea of being buddies with the favourite character and being happy for their happiness with someone else.

When I became an adult, I understood, that I never want to act flirty around guys, or anyone really. For me it feels out of character. And never want my body to be sexualized. Icky.

My view on relationship was either a "hopeless romantic" one, or a "trying to logically or mathematically figure out how relationship work" one. It took me time to believe that two people can barely know one another to "jump right to action" and/or to start dating. I saw that in movies, read about that in book, heard about that in real life, but couldn't believe it or accept it. Because I always thought that choosing a partner takes time and "the thing" is one of the ways to show them your love for them. Like a catharsis, a quintessence of love. Something special for someone special (I'm and idiot, I know).

However, I always saw these things as a prove that I just have a childish outlook on life. That I'm just a dumb kid, who tries to understand the world of adults. I wanted to understand, why I felt that my experience differed from the people who surrounded me; but I couldn't identify myself as ace because back then I knew only about demi and grey. I didn't know that this spectrum has more labels.

I've finally found the answer to my question. It feels releaving and scary at the same time. And yet I feel happy.

P.S. I want to say "thank you" to two of my friends in real life, who supported me, after I came out to them.

Thank you mom for critisizing me for weighing my food. That definitely doesn't make me feel any more insecure and stupid 👍

"Dude, wdym?? You're super pretty!! What made you feel so insecure about your figure?"

Answer: the way fat people are portrayed in movies and scenes where they eat themselves half-blind like literal pigs. Having to watch them as a child started it all.

I can easily tell most movie directors think fat people's only personality trait is eating 24/7 and it hurts.

So I’ll try to get better lightning next time but for now I think this is the best I can make out of it. (there’s a lot of smoke that’s blocking the sun here because of forest fires and the indoor lights aren’t the best either). Anyway I’m sure people already came up with this idea but I wanted to do my take on Deceit’s scales. The headcanon here is that scales pop-up the more you lie to yourself and others. And of course the sides try to hide it at much from the each other as possible because they think they’re the only ones, they are insecure and various other reasonable well explainable lies reasons. Which only makes it worse. I guess this is basically considered angst for all sides woops.

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I’m hoping I didn’t tag anyone that didn’t want to be tagged if so please inform me.

Bringing this back because I feel like I don't have the talent for storytelling or drawing...

There's this one series (Lunette Precure) I had that I want to bring back as a novel but I'm not sure if I should due to the toxic experience I had with making a series, I remember I had this precure fanseries called dream skies precure when I was 13-14 and the experience I had while trying to make it was awful, a lot of people bullying me into changing the character designs, people calling it terrible when I never even got started with the first episode (and they could've ignored it if they didn't like it), stealing my characters just to make hateful shit and more (and there was very little criticism to help improve it btw), I was like 13-14 with low self confidence and decided that i should just cancel it and nothing changed.... Nowadays when I come up with a new series, I always worry if it's not good enough and that I need to change something about it (I'm 17 now and still struggle)

There's this one series (Lunette Precure) I had that I want to bring back as a novel but I'm not sure if I should due to the toxic experience I had with making a series, I remember I had this precure fanseries called dream skies precure when I was 13-14 and the experience I had while trying to make it was awful, a lot of people bullying me into changing the character designs, people calling it terrible when I never even got started with the first episode (and they could've ignored it if they didn't like it), stealing my characters just to make hateful shit and more (and there was very little criticism to help improve it btw), I was like 13-14 with low self confidence and decided that i should just cancel it and nothing changed.... Nowadays when I come up with a new series, I always worry if it's not good enough and that I need to change something about it (I'm 17 now and still struggle)

So I made a sander sides oc/person! I introduced to you Insecurity! i Haven’t come up with a name for them yet so there just insecurity for now. But ya he sad bo/ bean that just needs a hug. I will make there symbo next 0w0