This Is The Most Amazing Feeling, It Really Truly Is. And When You Find A Person Who Gives You That Experience,

“Anger is a signal, and one worth listening to. Our anger may be a message that we are being hurt, that our rights are being violated, that our needs or wants are not being adequately met, or simply that something is not right. Our anger may tell us that we are not addressing an important emotional issue in our lives, or that too much of our self–our belief, values, desires, or ambitions–is being compromised in a relationship. Our anger may be a signal that we are doing more and giving more than we can comfortably do or give. Or our anger may warn us that others are doing too much for us, at the expense of our own competence and growth. Just as physical pain tells us to take our hand off the hot stove, the pain of our anger preserves the very integrity of our self. Our anger can motivate us to say “no” to the ways in which we are defined by others and “yes” to the dictates of our inner self."

-Harriet Lerner, The Dance of Anger

i mean, but also, knowing your limits and knowing when you need to step back so that you don’t act resentful or stressed out by your own kids, is part of being a good parent.

everyone has limits. getting to take a break can make you a better parent, because you’re a little refreshed when you get back, and you’re actively glad to see your kids, and it makes you happy to be with them! they can see that stuff clearly, too.

it’s OK to recognize that you as a parent need more support and more time to not-always-be-parenting. to retain your sanity and self-perception as your whole self and not just the parenting role. burnout is a real thing, and shutting down people who are grappling with this particular stress isn’t going to help them acknowledge or move through those feelings — or figure out ways to help themselves de-stress, recharge, and nourish themselves in spite of their life pressures.

no human can be 100% on, 100% of the time, and that doesn’t change when you have a kid. this is a huge part of why extended families and local communities are so important in child-rearing (‘it takes a village’) — having support makes you, yourself, a better and more patient parent, because you aren’t constantly running on fumes.

speaking from personal experience, my parents raised me without any help. it was really hard on them — and on me, because that just isn’t how children are meant to grow up. but it’s not how parents are meant to parent, either.

i understand that better now that i have kids myself and, hey, i’m still autistic! my limits are clearer than most people’s, and maybe as a result i need more help (=auxiliary carers so that i can take care of myself). it sure has made me aware of this balance.

of course, yes, it’s absolutely not okay for your kids to think or know that you resent them/parenthood, or that you don’t want to be around them. and they REALLY DO know much more than others guess. (again, i was one of those kids. a lot of us were, i imagine.)

but the best way to prevent that whole mess from happening is to handle your feelings yourself, so that you can engage in parent-child interactions better. (with calmness, affection, wisdom, humility, blah blah.) but that requires time and energy for self-care, which is obviously in short supply. aaannnd it also helps not to be judged by strangers on the internet.

sometimes venting to an adult is how you meet your emotional needs enough to leave that stuff aside, and go be genuinely present with your kid, with gratitude instead of resentment.

self care skills are parenting skills. ❤️

“An honest examination of your beliefs is a lot like cleaning house (I’m using creative imagination here because I never clean my house). You have a lot of stuff in your house and it can all seem like very necessary stuff. But if you buy every item that catches your eye and take it home with you, it will pile up, block your doorway, and cut you off from the rest of the world. But if you regularly hold each item up to the light and ask, “why do I really have this? Is it helping me? Is this meeting my needs? Did this ever meet my needs? Do I really need to keep this or is it adding to the clutter and preventing me from being able to find the truly useful things I already have or could replace it with?” then you will live a life where you can breathe more easily, enjoy what you have, and freely invite people in. You clean your house and you move forward with the confidence that you own your stuff, and your stuff doesn’t own you. Stop letting your beliefs own you. Examine them closely. Keep what is honest and useful, throw away the clutter, and repair what is valuable yet damaged. Your beliefs are important, but they are not permanent. Remember, you didn’t always feel this way — about anything.”

— You Must Understand Why You Believe What You Believe (via brutereason)

I’ve always struggled with social anxiety and self-confidence in different areas. It waxes and wanes in amplitude, but it’s always there. This affects my ability to do research as I struggle to do things like use the phone, send emails asking people to do things in a timely fashion, and finish work due to perfectionism.  It was really bad a couple of years ago, during my PhD. We had official annual meetings with a member of staff to check on progress back then, which were a good idea but terrified the students. I always had mine with a member of faculty a lot of people are scared of. I’m not sure why, maybe because their courses were very difficult and they was a strict marker? I’d heard they’d mellowed over the years so maybe, like a fear of the dark, students’ wariness passed down the generations.  Whatever the reason, I’d never been scared of them, and always saw them as a fair mind when it came to assessing my progress. I wouldn’t believe myself or my friends mostly, but I’d trust them to tell the truth. On my last meeting they knew I wasn’t very well. I always cried in these meetings through stress/lifting of stress, so true to form the box of tissues were ready and they offered me a fruit tea. I had the summer fruits. It was really sweet and calming, and I didn’t need the tissues that year. We spoke at length about why I was struggling within myself when my work seemed perfectly fine, even really good in places. And we got talking about anxiety when not at work. Turns out both of us have similar social anxiety problems! We both struggle to go in a shop with no or few other customers, because we hate being watched by staff. It’s really specific but I bet it’s common haha. We both hate using the phone, even ordering take away is difficult! Maybe this is why I wasn’t scared of them?  At any rate, it was great to know I wasn’t alone, here was a full professor with the same problems I have, still doing science! But, I asked, how do you do it? How did you get this high up the ladder and not quit, or not take it out on yourself? How are you not anxious all the time? Oh, I am anxious, they said. I was really bad for years. Wouldn’t use the phone at all. But then I was made Head of Department.  That’s terrifying! What did you do? Well I was still anxious, about using the phone for example. But I realised, the Head of Department uses the phone to call people to get things sorted quickly. And at the moment, I’m Head of Department. That’s the hat I’m wearing. The Head of Department picks up the phone and the Head of Department speaks to people to Get Things Done. That’s a role I’m performing, that’s all, and people expect me to be the Head of Department. And it helped, and now I can use the phone because I’m used to it.  Hearing them say that was a bit of an epiphany. They weren’t saying “just suck it up”, it’s a complete reframing of the interaction. 

YOU might not like using the telephone to ask so-and-so to do something, but Scientist-In-Charge-Of-Making-This-Thing-Work DOES call Collaborators to remind them, and then Collaborators can respond that they forgot, or they have it scheduled in for next week, because it’s their role to do something. 

YOU might be scared of going into that shop, but a Potential Customer does go into shops and look around. Potential Customer might be asked by Sales Rep whether they need help, and Potential Customer can say just browsing. Sales Rep may watch Potential Customer browse, but that’s okay, because they’re waiting to perform their role. And when Potential Customer leaves the shop, they aren’t that role anymore, back to self. Interaction done. 

YOU might not want to email that person to ask them for a reference, BUT a Final Year Student DOES send the email, because part of their role is to get a reference at the end. And the person receiving the email also has a role, and that is Someone Who Sometimes Gets Reference Requests, that they can response Yes or No to. Then Final Year Student can get their reference about Final Year Student or can move on to someone else. Interaction over. Slate clean. Sometimes we get so caught up we forget that many of the things we do are divorced from our own self, and we worry about judgements from other people. But in a lot of our interactions, especially at work or school, we have a set of roles and rules. When it’s getting really hard for me to do things like email, phone, or go somewhere, it helps me to think of that Professor’s first day as Head of Department, them sitting there with that weight of responsibility and internally screaming as they pick up the phone the first time, because that’s what Head of Departments do. If they can do it and normalise it, I know I can too. One day! :) 

Listen, all you folks out there with AvPD: you’re amazing.

Every day, against all odds, you show up on my dash.

You live in a world that has taught you to feel unwanted, defective, unseen. But you keep on existing anyway.

You’re all warriors. And you are beautifully fierce.

Don’t listen to the voices – those around you, or within you – that say you’re weak or incapable. You aren’t. Because every single day, you are here, fighting and winning. Even in the moments that feel empty and unnameable, you are learning and growing and gathering strength.

I see you collecting these little things that feed your soul. Assembling the tools you need, for the hard work of staying alive and being well.

You are astonishing, and brave, and powerful. Someday, you’ll carve out a life where you can finally become yourself.

You are real. You matter. And you’re not alone.

Adult realization: you will make mistakes, you will act irrationally. You will commit some wrongs that cannot be fully righted. People will dislike you and misunderstand you for all sorts of reasons. None of these make you a bad person. All you can do is try your best to be kind and just to people, grow and learn.

i just wanted to say that your response to the post about finding a job if you have avpd was so incredibly helpful to me. I was getting really down on myself for not being able to go out and "just get a job" like everyone else, and this trulu helped me. thank you so much for giving me insight and hope for the future. You're awesome (im sorry im shy and on anon)

Aw! You are so welcome, friend. Thanks for taking the time to let me know!

It’s really hard to live in a society that says a person’s value depends on their being “useful” – as if there’s even a way to say someone is objectively useful. Not everyone is able to function that way, and we are still just as worthy as anyone else.

I just want to reassure you (& everyone who struggles with mental health) that Yes, this is super extra hard for us – other people make it look easy *because for them, it IS easy.* If life was a video game, we’d be playing it in “Hard” mode.

We shouldn’t ever be ashamed of our lives. It might not look like other people’s success, but it’s OUR success, and it counts. <3

Fuck being "cool"! Fuck being "normal"! 2020 will be all about being genuine and kind while learning to respect and embrace our own and other people's harmless differences even when they go against social norms.

Anxiety Relief/Calming Gifs

I saw a few people who needed this so here you go. I hope it helps. 

You’re ok. I know you’re all stressed out, but try to relax a bit. <3

Anxiety Relief/Calming Gifs: Part 2

Hi! Sorry to bother you, but I'm almost certain I have AVPD and I'd like to explain it to my parents, since they've gotten upset over symptoms of AVPD that I've expressed and I want to tell them why I act like that. But they don't really think that PDs are a thing that exists. so how could I explain it to them so that they understand? thank you in advance !!

Hi there anon!

Wow, there’s a lot to unpack here. The most important is probably:

What you want to accomplish by telling your parents

What your relationship with your parents is like

Would you mind sharing a bit more about the situation? You can write more in asks, submit something or just message me, that works too! (And don’t worry, I won’t publish your username either way <3)

Or if you aren’t comfortable with that, I’ll see what advice I can scrounge up as-is =)