I Just Wanted To Say That Your Response To The Post About Finding A Job If You Have Avpd Was So Incredibly

There’s no secret or magic solution to your mental health. Some days will be rough even when you’re doing your best and practicing all the coping techniques you can. Don’t despair, it happens! Things will get better again soon. ♡

Chibird store | Positive Pin Club | Webtoon

one of the more valuable things I’ve learned in life as a survivor of a mentally unstable parent is that it is likely that no one has thought through it as much as you have. 

no, your friend probably has not noticed they cut you off four times in this conversation. 

no, your brother didn’t realize his music was that loud while you were studying. 

no, your bff or S.O. doesn’t remember that you’re on a tight deadline right now.

no, no one else is paying attention to the four power dynamics at play in your friend group right now.  

a habit of abused kids, especially kids with unstable parents, is the tendency to notice every little detail. We magnify small nuances into major things, largely because small nuances quickly became breaking points for parents. Managing moods, reading the room, perceiving danger in the order of words, the shift of body weight….it’s all a natural outgrowth of trying to manage unstable parents from a young age. 

Here’s the thing: most people don’t do that. I’m not saying everyone else is oblivious, I’m saying the over analysis of minor nuances is a habit of abuse. 

I have a rule: I do not respond to subtext. This includes guilt tripping, silent treatments, passive aggressive behavior, etc. I see it. I notice it. I even sometimes have to analyze it and take a deep breath and CHOOSE not to respond. Because whether it’s really there or just me over-reading things that actually don’t mean anything, the habit of lending credence to the part of me that sees danger in the wrong shift of body weight…that’s toxic for me. And dangerous to my relationships. 

The best thing I ever did for myself and my relationships was insist upon frank communication and a categorical denial of subtext. For some people this is a moral stance. For survivors of mentally unstable parents this is a requirement of recovery. 

Mindy is a kind name. Mindy is a peaceful name. It's just soothing to say, even. Mindy sounds like fairy lights and cool breezes and a gentle smile at soft music wafting over the night.

Ah, this made me cry 💜 Thank you

This January is not only a new year but a new decade, and so there is even more pressure to “start fresh,” change your life, and simply transform into an idealized version of yourself.

Please don’t feel pressured by this. Life is already difficult enough without stressing out over metamorphizing into a new person overnight. The best change comes slowly, so keep trying to add little bits of goodness and happiness to your life here and there, and most of all, be patient with yourself.

This is definitely something I experience, and I identify with AvPD very strongly.

I also had obvious social anxiety before I even knew about AvPD. To me, it’s pretty easy to differentiate at this point, because “social anxiety” feels, you know, like anxiety, but my AvPD stuff feels like shame, and the fear of shame.

I experience it like:

social anxiety =

physical tense buzzing wariness

imagining the Bad Thing happening (messing up, being laughed at, humiliated)

catastrophizing

panicky

wanting to escape the danger.

(The danger is a thing Outside of me, which I can be safe from as long as I get out of this situation.)

AvPD moments =

a cold knot of sick shame in my stomach

feeling exposed, seen, defenseless, inexcusable

not having any shields or masks left to hide behind

wanting to flee and be alone / unseen, or

to disappear (dissociate) and be invisible.

(The danger is a thing Inside of me, which I can’t escape ever because it is Me, but which I can avoid having to face as long as I get out of this situation.)

So, the self esteem tug-of-war.

For me, it’s because although I started from a point of being totally incapacitated by AvPD symptoms/self hatred/etc, I’ve spent years rebuilding my self-esteem and creating a sense of who I am. So on good days, I believe in the thing I’ve spent so much time carefully growing – the feeling that I’m an OK person, that I’m likable, that I deserve to have a full life and to enjoy things. (Notice, when I’m in this healthy mindset, I’m not even thinking about “whether other people can see me/how they will judge me”.)

Then sometimes I will be in a lower mood, or something will trigger me into old/negative thought patterns, and I’ll find myself spiraling in “I’m so terrible,” and “any kindness/positivity from others is meaningless, for A, B, or C reasons,“ and “I will be revealed to be Horrible sooner or later, and then I’ll lose every positive relationship I have.”

So I definitely think it is possible to believe you’re worthy and unworthy at almost-the-same-time. Having this kind of push-pull struggle between feelings of adequacy and inadequacy is entirely possible, and it’s probably very normal if you’re in the process of recovering from poor self esteem.

(1) hi, i have really severe social anxiety and i've been wondering if it's possible i actually have avpd. i saw the ask about self-esteem and i kind of related but kind of not if that makes sense? i honestly don't know how i would rate my self esteem. i think i'm a person of worth who is intelligent and talented but i'm always terribly worried that i'm lying to myself and my perceived self is just an ideal i've created and i'm not actually as smart or funny or interesting as i'd like to think.

(2) i guess to rephrase, i think every life has inherent value and that logically applies to my own life, and i have a sense of identity, but i’m scared that it isn’t real. and as ridiculous as it sounds, i’m insecure that this carries into my relationships with other people as well. like with my boyfriend, i worry that i’ve fooled myself into thinking i’m interesting and maybe i’ve somehow managed to fool him, too. i guess i’m wondering if this sounds characteristic of avpd to you at all?

Hey.

It’s hard to say whether this sounds like AvPD or not because low self-esteem can exist with almost any mental illness, or even without it. It can exist with Social Anxiety Disorder (SAD) and it can exist with AvPD. I can’t give you an answer to that, unfortunately.

I would recommend you have a read through the links on our Resources page, but specifically these two links:

AvPD Criteria (in-depth). 

 AvPD or Social Anxiety Disorder (SAD)- Avoidance (forum). 

These should help give you a better understanding and should help you determine whether you have AvPD or SAD. Keep in mind though, you can have both. SAD is very common with in people with AvPD. 

I know personally, my SAD was a pre-cursor for my AvPD. 

- Jay. 

Sorry for being vague. Well, I have a pretty good relationship with my parents, but they get irritated and sometimes angry because of my sensitivity and how hard it is for me to approach someone and hold a conversation, or do something simple like order food. They tell me that I need to get over it and act appropriate for my age. I want to talk to them about my AVPD so that they might better understand why I act like this and possibly be able to help, or at least not put as much pressure on me

Thanks so much for clarifying! I’m glad you did, because this turns out to be a very different post than I was planning to write.

First of all, here’s some really good clinical descriptions of Avoidant Personality Disorder: Cleveland Clinic, and DSM.

The most fundamental thing:

You don’t experience the world the same way your parents do.

You live in the same world, of course. But the way you perceive, interpret and experience it, is very different. It’s like your brain applies a different filter.

You have certain specific needs, ones that your parents do not have.

That means they can’t rely on “what works for them” as a guide to what will work for you.

(Further, excellent reading: the Usual Error.)

The fact is, certain things are actually harder for you than for most people. And certain things are actually damaging to you, even though they might not damage others.

It’s a real issue. Your parents need to understand that you can’t turn this off.

It got built-in, which is the whole problem; everything grew around it. It’s integrated with your entire personality and the way you exist in the world.

You can’t choose which parts of your life it affects or doesn’t. By definition, a PD harms almost every aspect of your life, whether you want it to or not.

And this fact doesn’t change just because someone is mad at you or is being inconvenienced by your difficulties.

Becoming un-disordered is a very, very intricate and painstaking process, and it does not happen by force.

Personality disorders are complex.

AvPD is part anxiety disorder, part codependency/boundary problems, part emotional dysfunction; and like other PD’s, it’s viciously self-reinforcing.

(Social anxiety could be a helpful frame of reference for your parents. AvPD is like social anxiety, but different & more complex, so it’s tougher to deal with.)

It is very hard to get out of the PD cycle. That’s why every one of us needs a lot of help before we can find our way out.

Personality disorders mean inflexibility.

Part of that is, we take the same approach to all kinds of different problems. Even when a different solution would work better, we cling to avoidance.

Other people can watch us do the same thing over again, even though it was a disaster the last three times, and wonder why we can’t learn.

It’s not that we don’t know how things “should” be, or how we “should” act. We’re already perfectionists! We don’t need you to tell us.

And when people announce that we’re failing, or point out what we’re doing wrong, or how to do it better, that makes it worse. 

It directly feeds our perfectionism, our fear of criticism, and our avoidance.

Knowing doesn’t fix it.

It’s not that kind of problem.

That’s why nobody can “snap us out of it” or make us “get over it.”

What we need is, to be given the chance to heal and grow.

We need to be cared for, accepted, and supported.

People with AvPD especially need help to get out of it. Avoidance keeps us in an ever-tightening loop of limited experiences. And then we have fewer opportunities to try new things; fewer chances to become more flexible.

It’s reallllly hard for us to “accidentally” get better.

Recovering from a personality disorder is a process of slowly untangling all the messed-up stuff in our head, and learning good useful stuff to replace it.

It’s kind of like “remedial” emotional education.

This is where therapy really shines – that’s what it’s for. A therapist can teach you about emotions, how to deal with them, and how to get your needs met.

But even further than that …

The relationship you have with a well-matched therapist is a corrective experience for you.

The things that led to this disorder, whatever they were, happened in the dimension of relating to others. You have emotional learning from that. It can’t be changed by thinking about it, or by willpower.

It has to be overwritten, by a new, healing connection with another human being.

Great therapy can do this. Certain great friendships or other relationships can too, if you approach them consciously and carefully.

But again: This doesn’t happen by accident. Your parents need to know that they can’t just ignore this problem and hope it will go away, because it won’t.

If you’re close to someone with AvPD…

… the very best thing you can do for them is make sure they know that you accept who and how they are; that you support whatever they want to do; and you love them unconditionally – there’s nothing they can do that will end your positive regard for them.

And then, prove it in actions. Even when it is not easy for you to do.

Having one little safe corner in our lives can help us cope, a lot.

And, Anon, that sounds like what you’re asking for. Hopefully, your parents will be patient and sympathetic enough to give that to you. <3

(Some more stuff specifically for/about them, under the readmore.)

So, your parents need to know that this isn’t new.

The fact that you’re only now telling them about it, doesn’t mean it just started happening.

This is a thing that has been there for a very long time. It is your “normal.” The only difference is, now you (and your parents) know there is a name for it.

Denying the name or denying that you have any problems …..isn’t going to remove the problems.

Your parents are probably going to have a lot of feelings about hearing this.

It’s hard to learn that your kid is struggling, that they have a real problem and you can’t make it go away. It is normal to wonder if it’s your fault or try to figure out what you did wrong.

It’s OK to have emotional reactions to this news. Absolutely fine.

But your kid needs you to be present with them right now, and they need you to listen to them, and take them seriously.

They need you to believe them.

If you need to go sort out your own feelings about it before you can do that, tell them so, go do that privately, and then come back to continue the discussion once you’re able to be supportive.

Be patient. Try very hard to be open-minded. Be willing to learn.

It is a huge act of trust for them to tell you about this stuff. Don’t let down that trust. Honestly, you’ll probably never get it back.

Here are some typical reactions when somebody finally gets diagnosed, or discovers there’s a name for what they experience (self-diagnosed).

Understandably, when you find out that your problems are a Real Thing, you’re pretty delighted. And you want to share it with the people close to you.

You are like, “yeah, woo! Finally, there is a name for this! There is vocabulary to express how it feels! There are other people who have this thing too! It’s not uncharted territory! I’m not alone!!!”

And then you are like, “Wait. People have gotten mad at me for the things I’ve done because of this problem, and that wasn’t fair. That hurt me. It wasn’t my fault, and I’m not a bad person. I’m not broken or defective. I’m not lazy. I’m not selfish. I’m doing the best I can to survive my own mind.

“How can they complain about getting splashed from standing next to me, when I’m the one getting the bucket of water dumped on my head?”

These are all, totally normal reactions to finally getting a diagnosis/finding words for what you’re dealing with. They are OK to feel; they’re just feelings, not moral judgments; and they are not anybody’s job to fix.

Generally, there’s two basic things you want to hear from your family.

First: “Wow, I had no idea you were experiencing this. That must have been so difficult and lonely. These issues aren’t your fault, and I never should have blamed you for having a hard time doing things. I’m sorry. What can I do to help you now?”

Second: “I am so happy for you! You’ve had to work so hard just to get by, and now you know the reason. Now you can actually figure out how this works and how to have a life and be happy! This is amazing, we are so proud! Tell us how we can support you so you can have an awesome life!”

And then you tell them what you need, which often comes down to: “Right now I just need to be reassured that you still love me, and then I want to discuss this again once I’ve figured out what to ask for.”

It’s a hard adjustment for a family (or a couple, or whatever) to make. And it’s scary, for everyone.

But if everyone remembers to breathe a little, to not assume the worst, and try listen to each other – you can get through it. And it can turn out to be a really good thing.

Hi! Sorry to bother you, but I'm almost certain I have AVPD and I'd like to explain it to my parents, since they've gotten upset over symptoms of AVPD that I've expressed and I want to tell them why I act like that. But they don't really think that PDs are a thing that exists. so how could I explain it to them so that they understand? thank you in advance !!

Hi there anon!

Wow, there’s a lot to unpack here. The most important is probably:

What you want to accomplish by telling your parents

What your relationship with your parents is like

Would you mind sharing a bit more about the situation?

Being Kind doesn’t mean becoming a complete pushover. You can be kind and have very clear boundaries about what is and isn’t acceptable to you.

Hey, I just want everyone to know that what the world is going through is a legitimate trauma. Full on. It fits the “official” definition and everything. This is a traumatic event.

That means that it’s normal and expected to find yourself using coping mechanisms that you thought you were done with, to find yourself numbed out, to be on the verge of constant panic attacks, to be acting impulsively and compulsively, to engage in very old patterns, to have wide swings of every behaviour especially regarding sleep, food, and sex.

The research shows that people in a traumatic situation who most often develop PTSD (which I would say we are all at risk of) or have their existing PTSD/C-PTSD intensified are folks who cannot or believe they cannot do anything about it the trauma event.

So, if you are able, look for a place in all of this where you can feel that you can do something. Harass a company not doing enough for its employees, sign a petition, check in on a neighbour, set alarms to remind yourself to eat (it’s on my own to do list for today), intentionally spend time every day doing straw breathing to shift your sympathetic nervous system response. You don’t have to become some social media hero, or spend all your time improving yourself. But if you can find something that makes you feel like you can do something for yourself that decreases the trauma load on you, it will greatly benefit you going forward.

If anyone has any questions about this, my asks are open, or you can message me. (I cannot do any online therapy, I am happy to share information about trauma itself and any tools that I know)

It is okay to reblog this.

- Registered Clinical Counsellor, with 10+ years specifically working with trauma