Sirius X Severus - Blog Posts

One of my favourite genres: Severus finally breaking under pressure, Sirius having to deal with "Severus Snape is a human person too" understanding 🥺🥺🥺

It's interesting in both directions I saw it: when they hate each other and it forces Sirius to see human in Snape or when they are already on kinda friendly terms (at least they tolerate each other) but Sirius doesn't see how much pain there is inside of Snape and has to finally see it to full extent.

These guys' hurt/comfort scenes are always a gourmet dish but it gets too salty from my tears too fast 🙃

Marauder’s Era Snack where Sirius quite often has to reassure Severus that their relationship is not some intricate prank scheme because Snape for a long time reacts to any hint that it is in a "I knew it, what else to expect" kind of way and Sirius can't even blame anyone but himself 🙃🙃🙃

Love fics where their relationship develop in a slowburn way and all their canon backstory doesn't just disappear, because, hell, it's such an interesting thing to untangle and try to make work 🥺

another one of favourite tropes for these two: when in OOTP Sirius just doesn’t want to let Severus go to Voldemort 😭

i made several sketches while drawing my previous art with sirius and severus and i decided to finish some of them because they are cute 🥺🥺🥺

Sirius: Are we fighting or flirting?

Severs: I'm pinning you against a wall with my hand around your neck-

Sirius: Your point?

Sirius: I want to wake up with you every day for the rest of our lives.

Severus: I wake up at 4:30 AM every day to brew.

Sirius: I want to see you at some point every day for the rest of our lives.

Alright! Chapter one is done and up! The title is 'Severus Snape, Harry Potter and the annoying gryffindor's' (I couldn't think of a good title) anyway here's the link (please give me feedback)

Y'all remember that post of me wanting a sev x marauders baby harry time travel au? Yeah I'm making that shit now it's gonna be on ao3 I've already got most of chapter one done. It's set in their 4th year so shit's salvageable, I might make other fic's tied to it like a before and after, I really wanna make the playlist into fic's so I'll be adding that.

¿Would anyone read it?

Y'all remember that post of me wanting a sev x marauders baby harry time travel au? Yeah I'm making that shit now it's gonna be on ao3 I've already got most of chapter one done. It's set in their 4th year so shit's salvageable, I might make other fic's tied to it like a before and after, I really wanna make the playlist into fic's so I'll be adding that.

¿Would anyone read it?

Regulus: What did Severus do this time?

Bellatrix: More like WHO did Severus do this time?

Sirius: Enough! How dare you mock me in such a manner!?

Severus: Well. How would you like me to mock you? I take requests.

Severus: I don't need to go to bed. I'm not tired, I'll be fine.

Remus: But, darling, I'll be so lonely without you. Come curl up in my arms so I can feel whole again.

Severus: O-oh. Well. Are you trying to seduce me into healthy sleeping patterns??

Remus: Is it working?

*I like this one ⤵ too*

Sirius: I don't need to go to bed. I'm not tired, I'll be fine.

Severus: But, darling, I'll be so lonely without you. Come curl up in my arms so I can feel whole again.

Sirius: O-oh. Well. Are you trying to seduce me into healthy sleeping patterns??

Severus: Is it working?

Sirius with a wand to Severus's head: What happens if I Avada you? Heaven?

Severus: Bold of you to assume I'll go to Heaven.

So I made a Severus Snape playlist, I had some dreams of Hogwarts marauders era and I had music playing,I can't sleep without noise, and in my dream young Severus Snape was singing and dancing with the other Slytherins, they were sorta like a band the they being (Severus, Lucius, Regulus, narcissa and Bellatrix), so it was like a flirty, angry sad and in love Severus Snape and he was just singing his thoughts and emotions the things he felt and a lot of the lyrics were altered to best fit him. And now I can't get it out of my head so I made a playlist with my dream in mind, I quit like it. You can imagine him singing about anyone, to anyone, any ships or friendships you want, ect.

✨let me know what you all think✨

More incorrect quotes

{With some, they will be out of character}

**************************************

Regulus: What do you think Severus will do for a distraction?

Lucius: he’ll probably, like, make a noise or throw a rock. That’s what I would do.

*Building explodes and several car alarms go off*

Lucius: ... or he could do that.

**************************************

Regulus: Why are you on the floor?

Severus: I'm depressed.

Severus: Also I was stabbed, can you get Lucius, please.

*************************************

Lucius: Naturally, we are on the cutting edge of technology.

Severus, amazed: Wow...

Regulus, to Severus: Well what does that mean?

Severus: I don't know.

Severus, to Lucius: What does that mean?

************************************

Lucius: Are you the big spoon or the little spoon?

Severus: I'm a knife.

Regulus, from across the room: He's the little spoon.

***********************************

Regulus: Fitness tip: never stop pushing yourself. Some say 8 hours of sleep is enough. Why not keep going? Why not 9? Why not 10? Strive for greatness.

Severus: Next time you’re working out do 15 push ups instead of 10. Run 3 miles instead of 2. Eat a whole cake instead of just a slice. Burn your ex’s house down. You can do it. I believe in you.

Lucius: There were so many mixed messages in that I can’t-

**********************************

Lucius: What if I press the brake and gas at the same time?

Regulus: The car takes a screenshot.

Severus: For the last time, get the fuck out.

*********************************

Sirius: So, what, now I’m just supposed to do anything that Severus does? I mean, what if he jumped off a cliff?

Remus: If Severus were to jump off a cliff, he would’ve done his due diligence regarding the height of the cliff, the depth of the water, and the angle of entry, so yes. If you see Severus jump off a cliff, by all means, jump off a cliff.

Sirius: You jump off a cliff!

Remus: Gladly. Provided Severus did first.

********************************

Sirius: I told Severus his ears flush when he lie's.

Remus: Why?

Sirius: Look.

Sirius: Hey Severus! Do you love us?

Severus, covering his ears: No.

Remus:

*******************************

Sirius: Sometimes I drink milk straight out of the container.

Severus: The cow???

Sirius: What?

Remus: Severus, W H Y?

******************************

Sirius, at a restaurant: You guys should get the orange soda, it's amazing.

Severus: Okay

Waiter: Can I get you guys anything to drink?

Sirius: Orange soda, please!

Severus: I'll have the strawberry soda.

Remus: Me too, strawberry soda.

Sirius:

*****************************

Sirius, driving Severus and Remus: So how was your day?

Severus: We almost got surprise adopted!

Sirius: What?

Remus: We almost got kidnapped.

Sirius: Oh, okay.

Sirius: *slams on the breaks* WAIT WHAT?!

****************************

Severus, texting Sirius: Sirius! Help I’m being kidnapped

Remus: Where are you?

Severus: I’m with some strange person. In a car. Help.

Sirius: I’ll call Remus.

Remus, answering their cell: Y’ello?

Sirius: Where’s Severus? He texted me that he was being kidnapped.

Remus: Severus? Whaddya mean, he's right next to me-

Remus:

Remus: I’ll call you back. *hangs up*

Remus: THE NEW HAIRCUT ISN’T THAT BAD!

Severus: WHO ARE YOU?!

***************************

Severus, holding a python: Guys I impulsively bought a snake, what do I name him

Sirius: You did WHAT–

Remus: William Snakepeare

**************************

*The squad is having dinner together*

Sirius: Remus, can you pass the salt?

Remus: *Throws Severus across the table*

*************************

Sirius: If I accidentally sat on a voodoo doll of myself, would I be trapped forever in that position, doomed to starve to death?

Severus: How am I supposed to know?

Remus: You say, as if we don’t use you as a source of knowledge of the occult.

Severus: *sighs*

Severus: You wouldn't be trapped.

************************

Severus: Dandelions symbolize everything I want to be in life

Remus: Fluffy and dead with a gust of wind?

Severus: Unapologetic. Hard to kill. Feral, filled with sunlight, bright, beautiful in a way that the conventional and controlling hate but cannot ever fully destroy. Stubborn. Happy. Bastardous. Friends with bees. Highly disapproving of lawns. Full of wishes that will be carried far after I die.

Sirius: edible

***********************

Sirius: Hah! 69! You know what that means?

Remus: What?

Severus: That you're a child.

James: HOW'D YOU GUESS MY IQ!?

**********************

Severus: Care for another sundae, weenie?

Remus: I am not a weenie!

James: Relax, you’re among friends. *raises his drink*

Remus: My friends don’t hang out at Weenie Hut Jr’s.

Sirius: You tell ‘em, Remus! *sips their drink*

Remus: Sirius, what’re you doing here?

Sirius: I’m always here on Double Weenie Wednesdays.

*********************

Severus: There is no future. there is no past. do you see? Time is simultaneous, an intricately structured jewel that humans insist on viewing one edge at a time, when the whole design is visible in every facet.

Remus:

James:

Sirius:

Everyone Else At Severus’s Surprise Birthday Party:

Remus: All I asked was if you wanted to cut your birthday cake first.

********************

Lucius: What did you guys get in your yearbook?

Severus: 'Prettiest Smile'

Regulus: 'Nicest Personality'

James: 'Most likely to start a bar fight'

Sirius: 'Least likely to start a bar fight, but most likely to win one'

*******************

Sirius: Why cant trees give off something important like wifi??

Severus: So fuck oxygen, I guess.

******************

Severus: ...This is one of those moments where it doesn't really matter what I have to say, isn't it?

*****************

Regulus: This is horrible! This is the most humiliating thing to ever happen to me!

Severus: Oh-? Even more humiliating than-

Regulus: We are not doing this!

****************

Lucius: Come on Severus, do it for our friendship. You can't put a price on that...

Severus: Yes I can, dear. Fifty Galleons.

***************

Professor: Your child was in a fight.

Remus: Oh no, that’s terrible!

Severus: Did they win?

**************

Severus: I am very small and I have no money, so you can imagine the kind of stress that I'm under.

*************

Severus: You gave me up, you let me down, you turned around, and deserted me.

Remus: But did I make you cry?

Severus: *cries on the spot*

Remus: ...Shit.

************

Severus: I don’t think the therapist is supposed to say ‘wow’ that many times during their first session with a client, but here we are.

***********

Remus: Are you really planning to shoot the demon?

Severus: Don't worry, it's a holy gun.

Remus: How so?

Severus: It makes holes.

**********

*James holding their baby*

Severus: Oh God, I can’t believe one of us actually has one of these.

Sirius: I know, I still am one of these.

*********

Severus: Some people are like slinkies.

Remus: What?

Severus: Not really good for much but bring a smile to your face when you push them down the stairs.

Remus:

Remus: Please don't push James down the stairs.

Severus, pushing James down the stairs: Too late.

********

Demon: Hey, I took your soul last month and-

Severus: No returns.

Demon: *sobbing* But it's making me sad...

*******

Sirius: Guys, I didn’t memorize my lines!

Severus: Just use your lack of common sense! Everyone knows the characters in plays are dumb as fuck!

*During the play*

James: Hey! You finally made it! Did you get the donuts?

Sirius: W-what’re donuts?

******

Sirius: Let me copy your homework.

James: I was gonna copy yours.

Sirius: Well, shit.

James: Guess I'm not doing it.

*****

Severus: Is anyone going to tell me what's going on in here?!

Lucius: It's kind of complicated, but Regulus-

Severus: Got it. Forget I asked.

Severus: Time sensitive question how flirt boy.

Regulus: Throw rocks at he.

Sirius: Hot Dogs.

Remus: Kill him.

Severus: Thanks guys.

****

James: I want to kiss you.

Severus, not paying attention: What?

James: I said if you die, I wont miss you.

***

James: Think you can answer some questions without the usual level of sarcasm?

Severus: If you can ask the questions without the usual level of stupid.

**

Sirius: Severus, my old friend!

Severus: I think you tried to kill me at some point.

Sirius: That was obviously just my way of getting to know you.

*

I'm gonna start posting one quote at a time instead of doing this

This time I used

perchance.org

Incorrect Quote Generator

I want a Severus X marauders (excluding Peter) where it's like those jeverus fics where baby harry goes back in time and then shocks everyone by being the child of James and sev.

Like this⬇

Dumbledore finds baby harry and baby harry tells who his parents are and for his own amusement during lunch in the great Hall he makes the announcement that a baby has traveled back in time and that his future parents have to take care of him till they can figure out how to send him back

Everyone is silent waiting for home to announce the parents "Harry's Father's-" whispers "fathers? " "what-? " "was it an affair or? " "I wonder who-" "SILENCE" ".... " "as I was saying Harry's fathers.. Yes more than one harry has three fathers and one mother. It was not an affair it seems that the three fathers had fallen for the same person and that person loved them all and didn't wish to choose. So they all formed a relationship. " "..wow" "I will now call each father to come up here to meet little harry" (shush he wants drama that's why he's making the come to everyone's view" ".. James Potter" ! James walks up to Dumbledore and instantly loves harry "Sirius Black" Sirius looks surprised but goes up next to James and looks at his future son "he looks a lot like you James" "I know! " *ahem* "and the last father...Remus Lupin" Remus freezes before hesitantly going up and looks at harry "wow... I didn't think I'd have a kid"-R " I didn't think we'd all have a and kid and relationship with the same person! "-J " well we always share"-S "and now for Harry's mother.. " everyone is quite then Severus, who wasn't interested, starts to leave and harry See's.

Harry perks up and runs from his fathers toward Snape and screams "MOMMY!" Sev feels a tiny body ramming into his leg, he looks down at harry shocked he goes to tell him that's absurd but his heart melts as he looks at harry clinging to him and instead picks him up and smiles at harry and softly talks to him, without realizing it he instantly went into mommy mode, while everyone is silently flipping their shit, Remus being the first to calm down goes up to sev and harry

And you can make up the rest. I just wanna find a fic like that 😢🥺

More incorrect quotes

******************************

Severus: Start talking!

James: Well, I-

Severus: Shut up!

*****************************

James: This date is boring!

Severus: This isnt a date. I said I was going to the store.

James: Then why did you invite me?

Severus: I didnt, I specifically said "dont come with me" then you said " fuck you Severus I'll do whatever I want!

****************************

Severus: Bro-

James: No, no, hold up, rewind.

James: My tongue was down in your throat just a second ago and now you're calling me bro??

***************************

Sirius: Oh, my God. Do you know what this is?

Severus: It’s a book. There’s a lot of those in here, this is a library.

**************************

James: Can I ask a dumb question?

Severus: Better than anyone I know.

*************************

Remus: Why should I make my bed, when I'm just gunna unmake it to sleep in it anyways?

Severus: Why should I feed you if your just gunna die anyways?

Remus:

Remus: I'll go make my bed-

************************

Severus: Remus, get that hidious thing out of the living room, would you?

Remus: Sirius, Severus wants you to get out of the house.

***********************

Remus, bursting into the room: You two are having sex!

Severus, not looking up from their book: Really? James, why didn’t you tell me? I would have put my book down.

**********************

Sirius: It’s impossible to make a sentence without using the letter a.

Severus: Despite your thinking, it is quite possible, yet difficult, to form one without the specific letter. Here’s one more to further disprove your theory.

James: Fuck you.

*********************

Sirius: Severus, I am questioning your sanity...

James: I never questioned it, I knew their sanity was missing from the start.

********************

James: Remus, I’m afraid.

Remus: Just stay close to Severus.

James: That's why I’m afraid.

*******************

Remus: And now for a gay update with Severus and Sirius.

Sirius: Getting gayer.

Remus: Thank you, Sirius.

******************

Remus: H-how do you ask someone out?

Sirius: Well, first-

Severus: Don't ask him, he asked me out in a McDonalds parking lot.

Remus: ...And you said yes?

*****************

James: When you work at lush and a customer comes in and bites the soap because they think it’s cheese... this happens way more frequently than you think.

Severus: If you stopped literally presenting soap as deli food this wouldn't happen.

James: Who goes into a bath store and thinks something covered in glitter is cheese?

Remus: Who goes to the store and just takes a bite from the cheese?

****************

Sirius: Let’s watch Sharkboy and Lavagirl.

Severus: Okay.

Sirius: And make out during the scary parts.

Severus: Th-

Severus: The scary parts.

Severus: Of Sharkboy and Lavagirl.

***************

Severus: Look, last night was a mistake.

Sirius: A sexy mistake.

Severus: No, just a regular mistake.

**************

Severus, after getting a job as a life guard: Hmm... I wonder what those things at the bottom of the pool are..

Remus: THOSE ARE PEOPLE DROWNING!

*************

Remus: *angrily presses Severus against a wall* WHERE'S THE CHOCOLATE?!

Severus: ...

Severus: Are we about to kiss-

************

Severus: You know you've made it when you see your picture everywhere you go.

Remus: Those are wanted posters!

***********

Severus: Okay, I’m going to get the wedding cake.

James: Perfect, while you do that I’ll check on the ring bear.

Severus: ...

Severus: You mean ring bearER, right?

James: ...

Severus: Look me in the eyes and tell me you are not going to bring a dangerous wild animal to our wedding.

**********

*James and Severus looking at a locked gate into a park*

James: Aw. :(

Severus: You know what they say.

James: Please don’t-

Severus: BE GAY DO CRIME! *hops gate*

James: Fuck-

*********

Severus: Watcha doin?

James: Stealing my neighbour’s cat.

Severus: Scandalous.

Severus: Can I help?

********

James: I got grounded for a whole week just because I came home late.

Severus: Well, you deserved it. I mean, getting everyone's hopes up like that and then showing up again.

*******

Severus: What's gone wrong, James?

James: Hey! That’s one hell of a thing to say to a person. Just because I’m calling doesn’t mean there’s a crisis.

Severus: That’s technically true, I suppose. Why are you calling?

James: Well... There’s a crisis.

******

Severus: I’ve never been in a snowball fight before. I don’t know the rules.

James: What?

Severus: Is there a point system, or is it to the death?

*****

Sirius, dramatically: They called me a fool.

Severus, sick of Sirius's shit: They weren’t wrong.

****

Severus: I truly go into housewife mode when I'm someone's soulmate- like, I'll make you pancakes and bacon every morning.

Sirius: This is a lie.

Sirius: I'm literally dating them. This is a lie.

Sirius: THEY DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW TO COOK A PANCAKE, WHAT IS THIS.

***

Severus: You shouldn't be using a straw.

Sirius: I know, I know, it's bad for the environment and stuff.

Severus: Yeah, but I mean... it's a weird way to eat spaghetti.

**

Sirius: We all have our demons.

Sirius, grabbing Severus: This one’s mine.

*

Sirius: What goes up but never comes down?

Severus: The amount of stress you're bringing this family.

I decided to use an otp prompt generator and these are what I got (someone please make these into one shots) +(some NSFW)

Your prompt: Severus and Remus are walking home from school; work; etc and on the way to their house, Remus picks up a stick. All of the sudden, Remus runs up to a tree and starts to hit the tree with the stick while yelling Quit hitting yourself! Quit hitting yourself, and Severus starts to laugh until they cry.

******************************

Your prompt: NSFW Severus is tied to the bed. Remus leaves them there for a while with the promise of really pleasurable, hardcore, bondage fucking. Severus is so horny and can’t stand waiting to the point where they’re literally screaming for Remus to just do them already.

*****************************

Your prompt: Severus and Sirius are fooling around and Sirius says "Oh shut up! I know you love me!" to which Severus responds with "I'd sell you to Satan for a single corn chip.".

****************************

Your prompt: NSFW

Sirius: Hey I think my dick died.

Severus: It died?

Sirius: Yeah, can I bury it in your ass?

***************************

Your prompt: James has an online buisness meeting with someone important who lives across the world so they stay up until 12:00 for the meeting. Severus doesn't want to leave James alone so they grab a blanket and lay in James's lap as they attend the meeting. Bonus if: Severus accidentally smacks James on the face in their sleep and everyone in the meeting says that they're cute.

**************************

Your prompt: NSFW Severus's wearing tight yoga pants that accentuates their ass and James is trying their hardest not to jump them in public. All bets are off once they enter their house though. What happens next is up to you.

*************************

Your prompt: Remus tilting Severus's chin up to get a better look at their face and the evidence of the fight. Remus delicately thumbs away a streak of blood from Severus's mouth, saying nothing as they examine it. After a breif pause, Severus's heart skips a nervous beat as Remus looks them dead in the eyes. Their voice is quiet and tense. Their anger barely restrained.

"Who did this to you?"

************************

Your prompt: NSFW Remus ties open Severus's legs and goes down on them for hours, making Severus cry out from cumming so much that it leads to overstimulation and Severus is begging for Remus to stop. Remus wont stop until they are satistfied, ignoring Severus's moans of pleasured protest.

***********************

Your prompt: NSFW Severus wants sex but Sirius is feeling naughty and makes them beg for it.

**********************

Your prompt: Sirius holding Severus's hands when they are shaking.

*********************

Your prompt:

James: *Gets 8 hours of sleep MINIMUM each night* "I am so awake and ready for the day! The sun is beautiful and I am so happy to be alive!"

Severus: I've had 30 minutes of sleep for the past five days and now I can smell sounds. Please kill me.

********************

Your prompt: They meet when Severus sees James walk into a street sign.

*******************

Your prompt: Severus is baking cookies and has to split their attention between watching the timer and fighting off James, who keeps trying to steal cookie dough from the bowl.

******************

Your prompt:

Severus and James: *At a basketball game*

Severus and James: *Gets on the Kiss Cam*

Severus: *Blushing like crazy, covering their head*

James: *Making and obvious no gesture*

Crowd: *Boos*

Severus and James: *Kiss Cam comes back to them several times during the game and both object*

James fed up with this bullshit after the millionth time: OH FOR CHRIST'S SAKE!!

James:*Grabs Severus by the collar, kissing them*

Crowd: *Cheers loudly*

Severus: *Sits quietly for half an hour, staring ahead blankly in shock*

Severus: I wonder why the camera kept coming back to us?

James: *Shrugs and continues to watch the game*

Sirius and Remus, slipping a hundred bucks to the nearby cameraman: Thank you, my good sir.

*****************

Your prompt: Sirius lightly kissing Severus on top of a freshly formed bruise.

****************

Your prompt: NSFW Severus and Sirius as the main leads in a play. There's a sex scene in the play, and they get so into the moment that they end up going off the script, and talk dirty to each other, before having real sex on the stage. The audience all think they’re just acting, and the reviews commend them for their realistic take on sex.

***************

Your prompt: Police Officer AU Sirius is a police officer with a K-9 companion and Severus works at the donut shop that Sirius visits every morning with their dog. Severus first falls in love with the dog, then the person who parents it.

**************

Your prompt: NSFW It's a Winter night and it's snowing pretty heavily outside. Severus complains that they are cold so Remus picks them up, grabs a blanket then walks over to the fire. Remus proceeds to wrap themselves up with Severus and they cuddle by the fire. A few moments later, Remus starts to kiss and bite their way down Severus's neck. Severus becoms flustered as asks what Remus is doing. Remus just replies with "I'm warming you up, Severus" in a seductive voice. It soon leads to slow, steamy sex by the fire.

*************

Your prompt: Imagine Remus running up behind Severus and quickly picking them up and spinning them around, setting them back down and placing Severus's head on their chest and Remus's chin now resting on their head. Before Severus can ask what has got them in such a good mood today, they whisper, "I just realized how in love I am with you and it feels fantastic."

************

Your prompt: NSFW Remus and Severus the morning they have had sex. Severus decides to go shower and Remus notices *fluid* runnning down Severus's legs, Aroused again, Remus follows Severus into the shower where they go again.

***********

Your prompt: Imagine that Severus was in an abusive relationship before they were with Remus. One day, Severus accidentally breaks something (a plate, vase, etc), and while Remus isn't mad at all, Severus starts crying and whispering Please don't hurt me over and over again. (Because in their past relationship, breaking something would have resulted in abuse). Remus gently wraps their arms around Severus and tells them in a kind voice that they would never hurt Severus, and that Remus promises to keep Severus safe at all costs.

**********

Your prompt:

Severus, is playing piano: Maybe one day I can play at your wedding.

Remus: Gross, I don't want you playing at my wedding.

Remus: How about you stand beside me instead?

*********

Your prompt:

Severus: God give me patience.

Remus: I believe the saying is 'God give me strength.'

Severus: If God gave me strength, everyone would be dead.

********

Your prompt: NSFW Remus pinning Severus down, locking their gazes together for a few moments, and then slowly trailing kisses down Severus's body. They get encouraged by the soft mewling Severus makes, and it ends in sweet, slow and romantic sex.

*******

Your prompt: Remus having to help Severus undress after an injury.

******

Your prompt: NSFW Imagine Sirius and Severus sitting at a table in a public place. They play a game, unknown to the people around them, in which Sirius gradually moves their hand up Severus's leg under the table. The game is to see how close Severus can let Sirius's hand get to there between their thighs before they chicken out and stop them.

*****

Your prompt: NSFW Sirius making Severus dress in really kinky underwear and later takes their sweet time to enjoy the view as Severus blushes heavily and is quite embarrassed.

****

Your prompt: Severus and Sirius were supposed to go out for a date but a snow storm hits and they get snowed in. Sirius is really sad about it so Severus builds them a blanket fort so they can spend the evening snuggling and watching Christmas movies together.

***

Your prompt: NSFW Severus is a virgin and Sirius practically worships their body the first time they have sex, giving every part of them attention in order to make it enjoyable for Severus.

**

Your prompt: NSFW Sirius teasing Severus with sex toys.

*

Your prompt: Severus screams at the top of their lungs and when James comes running to them, they find Severus standing on top of a chair screaming about a spider. Bonus: James is also afraid of spiders.

You can change the characters to ones you think work better

ScatterPatter incorrect quotes generator

Sirius: What time is it?

Remus: I don’t know; pass me that saxophone and we’ll find out

Remus: *Plays sax loudly and extremely out of tune*

Severus: WHO THE FUCK IS PLAYING THE SAXOPHONE AT TWO IN THE MORNING

Remus: It’s 2 am

*******************************

Remus: Severus, stop! This isn't you, you've gone mad with power!

Severus: Well of course I have.

Severus: Have you ever tried going mad without power?

Severus: It's boring.

******************************

Remus: What is your biggest weakness?

Severus: I can be uncooperative.

Remus: Okay, can you give me an example?

Severus: No.

*****************************

Severus, watching the news: Someone tried to fight a squid at the aquarium today!

James: *walks in covered with ink* Well, maybe the squid was being a dick.

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Remus: WHY. why did you give Sirius a KNIFE?!

Severus: I’m sorry. They said they felt unsafe.

Remus: Now I feel unsafe!

Severus: I’m sorry.

Severus: ... would you like a knife?

***************************

Sirius: Hey, Remus? Can I get some dating advice?

Remus: Just because I’m with Severus doesn’t mean I know how I did it.

**************************

Severus: sirius and I were crossing the street, and this dude drove by and honked at us

Remus: *Sighing* What did Sirius do?

Severus: he chased him to the next red light, then reached into his window and...

Sirius: Who wants a steering wheel?

*************************

Severus, in a high voice, holding barbie: hey ken! I was thinking about going back to school and starting a career!

Remus, in a deep voice, holding ken: nonsense, barbie. you’re staying home and having my kids

Sirius: what the fuck are you guys doing?

Severus: playing systemic oppression

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Severus: Come on, I wasn’t that drunk last night.

Remus: You were flirting with Sirius.

Severus: So what? He's my boyfriend.

Remus: You asked him if he was single.

Severus:

Remus: And then you cried when he said he wasn't.

***********************

*Severus is cooking*

Remus: Any chance that’s for me?

Severus: It’s for James. I’m planning on making some bad choices tonight, and I need him on my side.

Sirius: I never realized the forethought that went into being a disappointment.

**********************

James: On a scale from “damn Daniel” to “fre sha vaca do”, how are you feeling?

Remus: In between “it’s an avocado, thanks” and “how did you defeat Captain America”, but as a solid answer I would say “I don’t need a degree to be a clothing hanger”. How about you, Sirius?

Sirius: Probably “road work ahead”.

Severus: I speak many languages, and this is none of them.

*********************

Severus: You are now one day closer to eating your next plate of nachos.

Remus: That's the most hopeful thing I've ever heard.

Sirius: But what if I die tomorrow and never eat any nachos?

James: Then tomorrow is nacho lucky day.

********************

Severus: Why is Remus so sad?

Sirius: he took one of those “Which Character Are You?” quizzes

Severus: And...?

Sirius: he got James.

*******************

Severus: You wanna see how hardcore I am?

Severus: *punches wall*

Severus:

Severus: Take me to the hospital.

******************

Shapeshifter: *transforms to look like Severus*

Severus: Okay, are you like BLIND? You look nothing like me. First off, I'm way taller. Secondly, I DO NOT look so sleep deprived and lastly, if you could drag comb through that hair you're like a 7 on a good day and I've been told I'm a constant 10.

*****************

Severus, threatening the others with a paintball gun: Listen... Life comes at us fast. We don't know what life is gonna give us... And today, it's gonna give you... a paintball!

****************

Severus: I was born for politics. I have great hair and I love lying.

***************

Severus, about Remus: Apparently we’re getting someone new in the group.

Sirius: Are we stealing them?

James: New or used?

Severus: Wonderful responses, both of you.

**************

Severus: *Screams*

Remus: *Screams louder to establish dominance*

Sirius: Should we do something?

James: No, I want to see who wins.

*************

Severus, setting down a card: Ace of spades

Remus, pulling out an Uno card: +4

Sirius, pulling out a Pokémon card: Jolteon, I choose you

James, trembling: What are we playing

************

Severus: How did none of you hear what I just said?

Remus: I’ve been zoned out for the past two and a half hours.

Sirius: I got distracted about halfway through.

James: Ignoring you was a conscious decision.

***********

Severus: Tonight, one of you will betray us.

Remus: Is it me, Severus?

Severus: No, it’s not you.

Sirius: Is it me, Severus?

Severus: It’s not you either.

James: Is it me, Severus?

Severus:

Severus, mockingly: Is IT mE Severus?

**********

Sirius: Why are Severus and Remus sitting with their backs to each other?

James: They had a fight.

Sirius: Then why are they holding hands?

James: They get sad when they fight.

*********

Severus: Dammit, Remus!

Remus: What?! It wasn’t me!

Severus: Sorry, force of habit. Dammit, Sirius!

Sirius: Not me either.

Severus: Oh...Then who set the house on fire?

James: *whistles*

********

James, banging on the door: Severus! Open up!

Severus: Well, it all started when I was a kid...

Sirius: No, he meant-

Remus: Let him finish.

*******

James: Everyone, synchronize your watches.

Remus: I don’t know how to do that.

Sirius: I don’t wear a watch.

Severus: Time is a construct.

******

Severus: You lying, cheating, piece of shit!

Remus: Oh yeah? You’re the idiot who thinks you can get away with everything you do. WELCOME TO THE REAL WORLD

Severus: I’m leaving you, and I’M TAKING SIRIUS WITH ME

James, picking up the monopoly board: I think we’re gonna stop playing now.

*****

Severus: Remus, I'm sad.

Remus: *Holds out arms for a hug* It’s going to be okay.

Sirius: James, I'm sad.

James, nodding: mood.

****

Severus: Listen, I can explain...

Remus: You’re making $500,000 and you’re only gonna pay me $30,000?

Sirius: You’re getting 30 grand? I’m getting $1,000!

James: You guys are getting paid?

***

Severus: I just ended a four year relationship.

Remus: Oh, I’m so sorry. Are you okay?

Severus: Hm? Oh yeah, I’m fine. It wasn’t my relationship.

*Sirius and James fighting from across the room*

**

Sirius: Truth or dare?

Remus: Dare

Sirius: I dare you to kiss the hottest person in the room

Remus: Hey James

James, blushing: Yeah?

Remus: Could you move? I’m trying to get to Severus

*

Sirius: Yo is James sleeping or dead?

Severus: Hopefully dead, I hated their guts.

Remus: Yeah, so did I.

James: Okay first of all, fuck you-