Tw Self Loathing - Blog Posts

Tw: eating disorders and self harm

The monsters in my head. They won't leave.

An empty stomach. A grave where I live.

Scars on my thighs. A strange relief.

A disconsolate existence. A sigh of grief

My shattered childhood. It haunts me still

Whimpers of pain. A broken will.

Venomous family. Full of greed.

Begged you to stop it. It never did.

Tw: self harm, ed

Alternate universe

In an alternate universe,

I am 14 and alone in my room,

And my hands haven't harmed myself yet.

In an alternate universe,

My mom isn't emotionally dead,

And my dad isn't the monster yet.

In an alternate universe,

I still have her by my side,

I haven't screwed everything yet.

In an alternate universe,

I don't flinch when I look in the mirror,

There are no scars on my thighs yet.

In an alternate universe,

I still eat like a normal person,

I haven't ruined myself yet.

Sometimes even when you try really hard to get yourself to focus on a certain thing and learn it, you just won't

It sucks, doesn't it?

Uhm,, trigger warning?? Its vent art so it's not gonna be good, scratching and strangulation u know the deal

Sorry for the bummer art, it's the only one I drew so

I figured I'd post it

I really am trying NOT to harm myself further than I have already had, and that's good progress to me.at least

I wanna learn to trust myself, and I think I'm getting there

It's just bad vibes day

So… long time we don’t see each other here, huh…?

Warnings: i am going to talk about some topics about suicidal thoughts and… a little bit of self loathing because sadly i am built like that…

First of all, i wanted to thank my most loyal and supportive friends:

@salmonlover955 , @malin5520 , @cabasasa , @cherry-bombs-thingss , @dreamcloud12/@dreamdoll-12 and @terroristis3638…

For… you know… worrying about me and… checking up on me…

I would also like to apologize for making you guys worry about me so much… sometimes i… feel like i don’t deserve any of this kind of… attention…

But nonetheless… I am grateful for that… so… thank y’all, you guys are the best and i know one day (if you aren’t already being recognized) you all will be just like our idols: Jencil and Fluffpillow… talented and amazingly awesome…

With that out of my chest… let’s… talk about… the not so great stuff…

You know? It… was very, very… hard for me to come here and… explain the stuff that is happening on my life…

One because i… felt like if i did… i would be bothering you all with… unnecessary drama that you all clearly are going through worse than me…

And, btw, i may not have said a single reassuring word to any of you when you guys vented… (and i am deeply sorry for that…) but just know that… i am always praying for you all and… sending my best vibes and encouraging energy to all of you… (even though i am not in the best moment of my life mentally myself, haha…)

And two… well, here goes nothing, i guess:

I am currently 21 (still living with my parents, but that’s really not THE problem… the problem is… i just sometimes feel like… a useless lazy ass… that i am an adult (even though i am still trying to process this… let me ya: it’s hard…) and… “technically”… i would be considered a loser because of that… that i am not trying “hard” enough to be truly a “true mature” adult… you guys… get… the idea…) 12 of July of this year i turned 21… (i wanted to make a special headcanon/Fanfic for you all regarding my birthday… but oh well, surprise, surprise… i was too… “lazy” to do it… like i always am…), i have a brother who has Down syndrome (who i worry so much and care about his future… like… simple things like: having a wife (not husband because he only likes women), having independence, having… you know… a life of his own… and… sadly… he’s 6 years older than me and… doesn’t have any of that yet…), i (thankfully) have a “dream job”… like… where i work on they are very inclusive and friendly with me… (but sometimes my traumatized and paranoid self thinks everyone on my workplace are only “nice” to me because i am autistic and secretly, they all hate me… i am not saying that’s the case for everybody… but… I just can’t help myself…) but… they are also very, VERY strict and demand PERFECTION…

I work on a restaurant in Brazil… they are getting very popular around the whole country and… they… sometimes… forget that I am autistic and expect me to act like I am not…

Now, now, I definitely wish them all the prosperity and good luck in the world and I am DEFINITELY not trying to paint them as the “villains” and playing the victim here… (this part i am trying to convince myself that…) because they are also human and i am THE first diagnosed autistic employee working on their restaurant… so of course they are going to… make some mistakes…

Like talking to me very sharply when there’s almost 100 (and this is not a stretch, really, sometimes it’s even MORE than that…) people coming over to our place…

(This was a one time occurrence but… it still haunts me…): when one of the owners “humiliated” me in front of another client… (context: i said very calmly after he told me to check one table if they were served by the waitress/waiter… btw, it was THEIR job to check on the tables… i was the hostess that my only job was to guide others to their table… but i’ve given up a pass because one: he’s my boss and two: i was still on my early stages of learning to work there… but after I’ve told him that they were only waiting for someone else to come so they could order (a very common occurrence), he simply gestured me to come closer and, in front of a friend of his (which is another client), he ranted about how i couldn’t defy him like “that” and that i should just do as he tells me to do… you all may not feel the fear and anxiety that i felt after his “little” rant… but i certainly felt… more explicitly: i felt like shit…)

Hypocrisy… a lot of it… like, my supervisors tell the other employees that we shouldn’t have some small talk with other departments of the restaurant… but ThEy CaN tAlK aLl ThEy WaNt! (Sometimes they even forget they are working and start talking about their life problems to others…)

Or, or! When they tell us to not get late, but guess what? They CAN get late to work! Ain’t that nice? :)

And you may be wondering… “but Mochi! If you’re unhappy there, why don’t you find another job??”

Well… i don’t know if you know this but… here in Brazil… we, as a nation, are suffering from a wave of extreme unemployment…

People younger than me are having a real hard time trying to feed their families… all of us are suffering from the extreme inequality…

And…

Here it comes my dilemma, self loathing and suicidal thoughts: i like my job… i have strong connections with everyone there… they are like a family to me! (Well, don’t really know for sure if they feel the same for me but… i do…) but… sometimes i feel like i am in a more “semi-toxic” family than a true healthy family… but at same time, if i leave… i fear i will disappoint them… disappoint my REAL family… disappoint… basically… everyone… and that i am going to come off as a little ungrateful piece of shit… that after everything they did for me (my workplace family) i left them… and i am simply going to be easily replaced… like i wasn’t even someone but… something…

I daily think about stopping existing, stopping breathing, stopping… living… and just… end it all… but (i don’t know if i should be thankful for that or not but… eh…) i guess i am too much of a coward to end myself… (thanks for my phobia of how i am going to die… i don’t fear dying… I fear how will i die and if that’s going to be painful and scary…)

I… have stopped doing what i most loved doing… writing, reading and drawing… because of my work… first, it was school… now work…

It’s… almost comical really, how i am seen by many as a robot to now serve people and only do that… (and with a BiG sMiLe On My FaCe!)

Even when i get home… i can’t stop thinking about work… when i am with my friends… when i am with my family… it’s always there… haunting me… my mind reminding every single second that i am now an adult and i should just fake it till i make it… but how long? How long till i collapse and let out a desperate scream? A cry for help?

When i am having my few happy moments… i sometimes wish i could rewind them over and over again just so i don’t have to remember that i am seen by many as just another machine to make them richer…

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Okay… maybe i should stop trauma dumping on you all and get to the real important stuff…

I promise i will answer every question of you guys on my inbox and… today i am going to make a lot of posts just so i feel like i am not being a useless and bad friend to you guys…

And the fanfic of the Charlie and the chocolate factory is on hiatus… if that wasn’t obvious by my long absence… i really don’t know when i am going to finish that… but i promise, especially for you @cabasasa, that by the end of the year i am going to post the full AU…

And that’s it…

Now back to the normal schedule…