Unmasking Autism - Blog Posts

(* >ω<)

The last weeks were somehow mentally heavy. I mean, I know why, it’s just that I always hope, that this time my body and mind will be used to it. But the only way how we are used to it is to not see it until some weeks in the situation already. It sucks, honestly. I now have to, again, make up a new routine with little to no knowledge about my working hours at the internship, pretend like everything is fine there and then spontaneously change the plan every time someone else wants it changed. I didn’t know that an internship in a theater can be THAT autism unfriendly?? Sure, was clear that it will have some chaos, but really not having no palm at all and not even trying to give the interns some sort of knowledge? Nobody even told me upfront “hey btw we are a theater that has no scripts or anything, we just do stuff in the process, so you need to be prepared for changing hours and not knowing more than one day ahead”. It would be horrible news but it would be better than to find it out on the second day (on the first day nobody told us anything really).

I really really need to stop giving a damn haha

But how when Disability bE DiSaBiLiTing?😭🥲🫠

P.s. it’s a so called “inclusive theater” btw and yes they might be mostly good to the acting group but I am also Disabled can someone include me please T___T

In the Summer 2023 I started my jurney of ✨re-wiring my brain ✨ to learn again how to read, how to draw, how to write. How to LET MYSELF do those things. I had a huge blockage in my head for many years due to reasons. You know, trauma alters brains. Also, when you work through Traumata or masking or similar, you might “delete” some connections which leads to #skillregression. Skill regression is a real thing, look it up. And we can sometimes alter it as well by re-learning, by creating new connection. Also, learn something that was “lost” to skill regression. I wish people would research it more, it actually could help so many folx to be able to do things without suffering or do things in general.

So, anyways, since summer 2023 I have been trying to teach myself to read again. I could only read scientific stuff and stuff for my uni (not always, but sometimes) and never finish anything, it was super duber hard labour, my anxiety was yelling and I was trying to concentrate on words in a text while being screamed at by different parts of my brain the whole time. Very tiring. But yeah, it worked, I can sit down and read when the brain fog is not very strong and on some days I can read the whole book in one sitting. Or two books, depending on the size.

So, I just wanted to say, that since then (summer 2023) untill now (March 2025) I have read 38 books of different nature. Sure, some people read 52-60 books a year, but I am not some people. I have issues :) and my Disability is disabiliting 24/7, sometimes more sometimes less. So, I am super proud of myself. I did not believe that it was possible, but it worked. And there is a loooong way to go to learn doing other mostly fun things without feeling like I actually went through an underground passage where everyone is crying, screaming and yelling in fear and despair. That’s how reading felt like 2023 and beginning oh 2024..

(In the last pictures are not the books i‘ve read but I did finished most of them)

Who up macing they cheese rn?