CW: Light Misogny. Not Intended To Be A Hypnosis File.

Assuming there are any CNC elements or other Dom controlled mechanisms approved for pushing through a sub’s expressed or body language displayed reluctance within an agreed D/s structure, it is always important for the sub to have some “opt out” safe-word freedoms clearly defined into the structure for times when they are self-harming by having the Dom force them forward when they are not actually engaging in the agreed on energy. A codified “get out of jail free” card if you will. When a submissive has difficulty with resisting the draw emotional self-harm has, safe-wording might be a type of activity you have to consciously and frequently practice in order to normalize a sub’s experience using their safeword amidst a CNC or other pushed through type of scenario.

Practice together in order to figure out the simplest way for a sub to use a safeword so that a Dom can develop trust that a sub will use it. Take the time up front to figure out what that method is because it is absolutely essential where CNC and pressed forward elements are part of the agreed energy.

When a sub doesn’t use a safeword when they should have, then they directly violate the Dom’s trust and undermine not only the enjoyment and success of the experience they are having together, but the entire Dom/sub element of the relationship is damaged because of the trust violation that has occurred, and the emotional callousing the sub develops that makes being present and progressing their enjoyment harder to access.

Not safe-wording functionally imposes a role of abuser on the Dom which by default is happening without the Dom’s consent. It is an act of self-harm for a sub to not honor a Dom/sub safeword agreement, and it is an act of relationship harm, as well.

So, what does practice look like?

Well, it is really just like other trust and relationship building exercises. Pick something very comfortable for you both AND pick a type of derailment that is obvious. For example, let’s pretend for this example that you are both comfortable with spanking, but maybe you both have a soft limit against drawing blood. A soft limit without permission to use it as a fantasy either, because that means you can discuss it outside of an scenario/experience, but you are supposed to not do it or bring it up as part of a scenario. For this exercise you are going to agree (before the scenario) that you u are going to use these specifically to practice using the safeword.

So you have a scenario (spanking) and intention set (overt practice of sub safewording)

The Dom does their best to spank the sub in a way that aligns with normal enjoyment of the spanking. Then, the Dom does their best to be believable in their prompting to get you to safeword. Maybe they increase the severity within normal limits in a way that wouldn’t in itself trigger a safeword at all, but still a marked increase in stroke severity. Along with maybe the second stroke at that severity they say, “Do you know when I’ll be done spanking your sexy little ass?” and then follow up whatever your reply is with “No… I’ll be done when I’ve cum all over your belt bloodied ass cheeks,” or some other appropriately escalated COMMENT (not actually bloodying the sub, just talking about doing it) that breaks both of the partners’ soft limit rules. This then should immediately trigger the sub safewording.

Again, that is just an example. Practice should follow that same general template, but should vary in circumstances some so that the practice becomes flexibly used. A Dom can also practice safewording with the sub using examples of scenarios where they might be engaging in self-harming via allowing a Dom to push them forward when they should have stopped. Demonstrating the body language requires self awareness and contemplative action toward it by the sub, and it is an instructive practice that a sub should be able to enact for a scenario where it is spelled out ahead by using a Dom pushed activity that isn’t a limit violation but otherwise is engaged the same way as the other example. Except instead of the sub safewording the sub goes along with it and displays one of the discussed body language elements that a Dom should pick up on for a Dom to safeword. This same practice can be used for sub body language that might just call for a yellow safeword check-in rather than a full stop red safeword. Etc…

Practice is what builds trust and this is the starting point where D/s practitioners should begin their journey together. Revisit it from time to time.

Your account is so lovely, do you have any recommendations/advice for aftercare specifically suited for after heavy verbal degradation? <3

Hi @sweetsirenmasochist, thank you for the kind words and the question. Aftercare is absolutely essential, so I'm very glad you asked about it.

Aftercare ideally involves a calming intimate comfort and the deconstruction of the roles that the scene's participants were playing. It should make you feel whole and more like yourself. Everyone is different, and I can't tell you what will work best for you and your partner(s), but I can give you questions to ask yourself:

After a scene, what makes you feel loved and appreciated? What helps you feel like yourself instead od character or role you were playing? What are some of the negative feelings your specific kinks can cause you to feel during a subdrop or domdrop (e.g. guilt, insecurity, dissasociation)? When you do have those negative feelings, what helps you combat them and feel better?

Generally, for aftercare the standard recommendation is cleaning each other, cuddling, massages, intimate touching, and reassurance.

I would also recommend gently discussing the scene that just happened, asking each other what worked and was enjoyable, as well as what could have been better and if anything was miscommunicated. This encourages trust and open communication (the key foundation for any dynamic), and builds excitement for future scenes by creating a sense of a constantly improving dynamic. The goal with this type of talk isn't to be critical of each other whatsoever, but should instead be focused on honest emotional communication.

I hope this is at least somewhat helpful, thank you again for your question.

The Fake Dom Problem

How submissives are misinformed, misled and taken advantage of by people pretending to be a "real Dom".

I'm writing this, because I know from experience that there are many so called 'fake Doms' out there. These are (mostly) men who pretend to be a dominant in the BDSM culture, often claiming having lots of experience, while in reality they are simply men looking to take advantage of (often) young and inexperienced submissive females, who make an easy target to be taken advantage of due to their submissive nature.

A couple of things that usually stand out with fake Doms, is that they quickly assume the "dominant" role, or at least, what they presume to be the dominant role. Very often they'll have the submissive female refer to them as 'Sir' or 'Master', sometimes even from the start, even though no consent has been given, and the "Dom" knows little to nothing about the submissive in question.

They'll often quickly continue with online role play, start asking submissives what clothes they are wearing, or demanding they do as they tell, because they are the "Dom", and they (incorrectly) assume a submissive must always tell whatever a Dom tells them to do. This often leads to submissives being incorrectly informed, taken advantage of and being misled, sometimes even abused.

Often these are just men looking for sexting, or online role play, and have little to no experience or knowledge about BDSM or being a "real Dom". Some of them might simply be looking to get themselves off, or sometimes are just looking to score nudes from their victims.

A real Dom however will never start demanding things from a submissive, until consent has been given from both sides. A real Dom will never ask you to call them 'Sir' or 'Master', until you both have agreed upon it, and preferably not until you both know something about each other, what both of your desires and limitations are.

A good Dom will always first try to get to know a submissive first, to try and understand their needs, desires and wishes, as well as their limitations, current circumstances and hard limits. This is of key importance, not just to built trust, but also to prevent crossing the line and leaving the submissive with a bad experience.

So please, be careful when you meet a new Dom online. Make sure you get to know each other first. Don't send pictures until you feel comfortable. And my personal opinion would be, not to send any nudes or sensitive material, until you have both personally met each other face to face, so you know that he or she is the real deal and not a fake Dom.

Don't let yourself be fooled or pressured into things because some online Dom tells you to. A good Dom respects your limits and respects you. I know this might sound weird for those submissives that crave to be humiliated and degraded, but only someone who respects you can truly humiliated and degrade you the way you want to. After all, if there's nothing to be respected, there's nothing to humiliate or degrade.

If you have any questions, want advice or just want to talk, my DM is always open.

Let's create a safer and better place for both Dom's and submissives, with less fakers and more real people looking for the real thing.

Please share this!

@dominantbimbotrainer

I like this, although I also like the varying intersecting m/f symbols used as a venn diagram of play interests, although that is less covert.

do you really want it?

One of the most common pitfalls I see in D/s dynamics, especially for submissives, is the tendency to focus too heavily on personal wants that don’t simultaneously benefit their Dominant. Don’t get me wrong, we all have individual desires in life-like that must-have book or a killer pair of shoes. But within the context of a D/s relationship, the essence of submission lies in prioritizing what pleases the Dominant.

True fulfillment for a submissive often comes from serving, fulfilling their Dominant’s wants and needs, and finding joy in the act of giving. When our focus shifts too far toward personal whims, it can disrupt the balance that makes a dynamic thrive.

Interestingly, I’ve noticed that many Dominants fall into the trap of over-prioritizing their submissive’s desires. They become overly focused on ensuring the submissive’s happiness, sometimes at the expense of their own. While this might seem like the ultimate expression of care, it can unintentionally lead to a dynamic where submission begins to fade. Why? Because submission, at its core, thrives on structure, leadership, and the natural flow of power—not on a Dominant constantly catering to the submissive’s every whim.

The key here is balance. A healthy D/s relationship is built on mutual compatibility and shared goals. Finding a partner who aligns with you fully. Not just in terms of D/s style but also in life goals, sexual compatibility, and long-term vision. This is crucial. When the foundation is strong, there’s less friction between the Dom and subs wants and needs, because they naturally align.

When a submissive’s wants already resonate with the Dominant’s, and vice versa, the dynamic becomes less about one person serving the other in an uneven way and more about mutual growth and fulfillment. That’s the beauty of finding someone who checks as many of your boxes as possible. It ensures that both partners are uplifted and fulfilled without compromising the power exchange that makes the dynamic so unique.

Ultimately, success in a D/s relationship comes from understanding this delicate balance and nurturing it. When both partners are on the same page, the connection deepens, the submission thrives, and the Dominant leads with confidence. And isn’t that what we’re all striving for?

FRODO: I can’t do this, Sam.

SAM: I know. It’s all wrong. By rights we shouldn’t even be here. But we are. It’s like in the great stories, Mr. Frodo. The ones that really mattered. Full of darkness and danger they were. And sometimes you didn’t want to know the end. Because how could the end be happy. How could the world go back to the way it was when so much bad had happened. But in the end, it’s only a passing thing, this shadow. Even darkness must pass. A new day will come. And when the sun shines it will shine out the clearer. Those were the stories that stayed with you. That meant something. Even if you were too small to understand why. But I think, Mr. Frodo, I do understand. I know now. Folk in those stories had lots of chances of turning back only they didn’t. Because they were holding on to something.

FRODO: What are we holding on to, Sam?

SAM: That there’s some good in this world, Mr. Frodo. And it’s worth fighting for.

Just to repeat myself

I've been seeing a recent influx of followers so now is a good opportunity to repeat a post I've made before:

This blog is not a safe space for nazis, trump supporters, right wingers, transphobes, homophobes or actual real life misogynists.

If any of the above describes you, kindly fuck off.

Acceptance of your sexual identity as a submissive with extreme kinks means, in part, being able to have pride and resilience against what negative things you imagine others might be thinking about you and your choices.

Celebrate yourself.

This isn’t difficult.

Women are equal to men.

Period.

If a woman chooses to give the gift of her submission to someone that does not make her unequal to him. It does not make her inferior. It only means that she has given, likely and appropriately subject to certain terms and conditions, consent to explore certain scenarios.

Even if those scenarios include degradation and objectification of her as lesser, she is never actually lesser.

It is an exercise in the suspension of disbelief so a certain energy flow is able to be experienced.

No matter how much she likes that energy flow or how constant or even permanent the desire to experience in it is. She is always actually and in all ways equal.

Kink misogyny is fun. Trump misogyny is fucking killing people and people who believe in it deserve to have their nuts ripped off

exactly this ^^^^

don't message me expecting me to be happy about the orange fucker and his supposed "policies"

I'm a submissive woman but being a woman will always take precedence over being submissive