Do You Ever Think 'how Did I End Up Here?' Like You Are In A Maze And Totally Lost And It's All Your

Silence

You don't know what battles I am fighting

You don't know the ones I am winning and losing

You don't know if my breakfast is sweet or bitter

You don't know if I am returning to a bed of flowers or nails

You don't know if I am having nightmares

You don't know if my mornings are even fair

You just know I speak less

You don't know that each of my actions are shouting ahead

You don't know enough because I am not willing to tell

You don't know enough because you are not the risk I am willing to take

I am an introvert, you think I like playing safe

But you don't know even privacy is like a fire play

I don't want to be perfect

You want to be perfect my psychologist said

It was the problem usually left unsaid

It's been years

But I still remember her saying it again and again

I dismissed all thoughts

Because she was actually my teacher and teachers never know it all

But today I sit and am ready to contemplate

I don't think it's late

The problem is still that I don't believe her

Although from I don't want to be perfect

To do I really want to be perfect I have grown some thoughts

But still I am clear as a crystal ball

And I internally never wanted to be perfect is the feeling that stands tall

I realised by now

That I was just wired like that somehow

No one ever told me that being imperfect is good

I was just growing up under their hood

I always thought that's how you get love

I never wanted to join the unwanted club

There were only two statements I usually heard

I am proud of you always sounded warmer than that person is better than you, bud

Each mark lost in exam made me shattered

Because I knew it was deciding how much I mattered

Maybe that is how everyone is wired

And it's funny that nobody is getting tired

I guess the tireds join the unwanted club

And we are not taught to talk about them in this hub

I don't blame anyone

Because choosing this life was already done

But I might not have the pace

That is required to win this rat race

Although standing behind and alone

Means your chances of affection are blown

The problem is that we are not pushed towards self love

We are just pulling ourselves with self bluff

I was never behind perfection

I can say it loud and clear

I was always running behind affection

I mumbled with a tear

Sometimes it hits you exactly in your core. The realisation that you just not have that one person with whom you are never going to be angry, the person who gets your mood even before you realise, and someone to whom you can rant everything out.

Someone asked about my ideal type and I didn't know what to say.

I only knew a single name that I didn't want to take.

20s is about being everything

I have never been a person who had any big plans for my 20s. Honestly, my plans have always been about life in general, like I should ultimately become this, I should have someone who loves me and I should travel a lot but no goal like I should achieve this particular thing in my 20s. Although now when I am really in this stage of my life I have realised how much I have to do and how much I am doing. It's really a life changing phase, you are no more a kid and you are not even a responsible adult. Your time to make 'n' number of mistakes is over but yet you are clueless about the best decisions for yourself in more than 99% of occasions. You have people to support you but you don't have people to walk with you on difficult paths.

I am in my 20s unaware of what is right and what is wrong. Adulting at my own pace usually seems slower than others. Deep down I know I am growing, I appreciate how far I have come but on the other end it doesn't seem enough. I have learnt a lot, I am different from what I was in school. I am stronger but yet more fragile than before. I am confident yet afraid of others' perception about me as a whole. I am surrounded by people yet alone for long. I want to be loved romantically yet I am afraid of commitment. It's complicated but still clear. Maybe 20s is about being everything, being a super hero and a weakling together. It's about feeling everything so that ultimately you know what you want to be. It's about living different lives with single soul. It's about experimenting everything so that in your 30s you know which experiment had the most successful results.

It doesn't need any planning, it's just about living in the moment, going on a road trip without a map but with hope of reaching the destination. It can be a successful and joyful ride, it can be a painful and rough ride but in the end where ever you reach will be far away from where you started and would be indeed more lovelier than what you plan.

I tell everyone that I write when I am sad but actually I write when I am 'the perfect amount of sad' like a little bit of extra sadness makes what I write sound weird and a little less can just shut my brain.

P.S. I don't know what that 'perfect amount of sad' is... Haha

It makes me, me

I was waiting for my feelings to go numb

I was waiting for that day but I was dumb

I thought that with each day the wound would grow old

I expected that each day would make me cold

But little I realised

And very little I was surprised

With each passing day

My feelings started spreading like a ray

It reached ever nook and corner of my existence

But I was still hoping with persistence

It was so difficult to feel

The reason I thought time would heal

Soon I had a lot of opinions

Surprisingly they made me cry more than onions

Soon the tree of feeling got a strong hold

Now I knew nothing was going to get old

All experiences and incidents

Were giving my wounds new dents

Crying became a constant part of my lifestyle

Funny enough that it was just a more defined form of my old style

I didn't know what to do with so much going on inside

Never realised it would be so much more than what was going outside

Checking and rechecking all emotions

Hide and seek with everything was in motion

Defining the ideas I had was important

Knowing I was right was like a reinforcement

I knew the wounds are not going now

But still adapting raised the question how

Connecting dots was a daily routine

Adulting is much more difficult than being a teen

Sensations, feelings and emotions are always going to be difficult for me

But when I introspect I realise it makes me, me.

To the hopeful soul

The world is pretty miserable around but recently I found some hope, it was not some mental thought but a person. We tend to derive positive emotions from the people who are close to us or those we love but this person was actually nothing more than an acquaintance, he was neither my love nor my friend or family. He was just an acquaintance, a person who was around me because he was supposed to be. Now coming to why he was a ray of hope. While growing up we start losing our innocence, our happy vibe and energy, we get burdened by responsibility and so on but this person was different, he was in his 20s but his eyes were innocent as a 2 years old, he was also going through enough but his smile was enough to wash your pains. This feeling I got while being around him was different, he was warm as a winter sun. It never felt like things would go wrong around him, I know I was in a different place then but he was enough to give me hope.

It's so intimidating to see myself in a mirror because I see me and then this another person who is not me. A person who is just an amalgamation of my mother, my father and my grandparents. A person who is not one but many. And it is so amazing and frightening at the same time. The fact that like every other thing, like every other incident, and person, you also hold the potential to be beautiful and scary not only to others but to your own self too.

The wish to be alone is so wierd, you try to forget so many people and end up remembering so many things at once.