Reflection: Everyone Is Broken In Some Way. Why Is Being Broken So Bad?

03/25/2025

Tired school days pass by the quickest... Finally sitting in front of my laptop at 10pm to do more schoolwork (according to my planner), and once again, I wonder how my brain wandered off to a different space and time since 6pm.

Current mood 🙃:

Completed

✅ Doctor's appointment

✅ Classes

✅ Part-time job

✅ Food

✅ 30-min nap with my dog

✅ Randomly listened to an audiobook ad on YouTube for 1 hour...

✅ Clinic note

✅ New semester survey

✅ Check school email and reply

✅ Group project highlight

✅ Group paper section outline

To-Dos (still...)

⏹️ At least 1 hour of thesis writing

Venting: It's hard to not feel disappointed in myself for not working on any actual thesis writing in the past 2 days, especially when I keep telling myself that today is the day. I seriously just want my brain to not run away from my thesis because I feel like time is running out. I'm so exhausted both physically and mentally at this point that I just want to sleep for a whole day before doing anything. But I'm not sure if this is actually feasibly. I just feel so stuck in my brain right now that I just want to dump all my anxiety and fears out so my mind can shut up and do the actual work. Why is it so hard??? Ugh, and now I feel like I am not being kind to myself... But I really need to complain a bit. Life has been rough recently with school and it's not something that someone can solve for me.

Realizations

It hit me that studying is a lonely process.

No matter how much you connect with others on the topic of studying or study with others in the same place, it doesn't take away the fact that the learning process is a solo act.

Sometimes no one even knows when you are working hard. It is not a glorious process, but so many of us continue to do it day after day.

Maybe studying is how we will get closer to our goals and success. Maybe it gives you meaning. Maybe it gives you strength.

To be alive and still capable of learning. A lonely process but connects you with academics from the past and future.

04/13/2025

Tapped out the past 2 days because depression is hitting me and I think I'm having pms. It feels really difficult to do anything when the end of the semester hits. Like there are so many tasks and assignments I need to get done, and I don't even have more time to do all of them. Ugh... why is life hard sometimes? Thankfully, I pushed myself to reach out to my friends and partner. I feel better today =)

Not sure if this happens to people or not, but I find myself starting something that gives me instant dopamine when I'm the most stressed/overwhelmed. Like this Friday, I told myself I needed a day to relax, and I ended up starting this 24-episode cdrama and y'all I'm on the last episode today... I'm so committed when the thing makes me happy and gets me hooked.

Anyway, I hope to continue updating my progress so I don't just give up. Thanks for giving me a space to feel supported and safe (even in the not-so-great times) 🩵

Completed

✅ Walk my dog ✅ Yoga (Haven't done it since the accident and it actually felt nice) ✅ Breakfast ✅ Watch Perfect and Casual (Such a simple and cute contract to love story! Definitely a rewatch when I need something wholesome and heartwarming💖) ✅ Clinic notes x4 ✅ Discussion post

To-Dos

⏹️ Thesis: revise section paragraphs ⏹️ Clinic report results x2 (hopefully I can get through more if I have the energy)

Let's trust that I will get through another day feeling at peace, relieved, and proud of myself 🩵

[End of day: 12:30am] I basically lost motivation after reviewing my advisor's feedback on my latest thesis draft... He wants me to revise my writing and add more details and find more updated citations. I feel like I just want to pull my hair out. I don't know how I'm going to do this, and I'm already exhausted at this point. I feel like giving up because this thesis seems never-ending... I wish I could just escape into the drama world and call it a day.

Transitions are hard...

Like I know I got diagnosed last year with ADHD, but I haven't felt like this in so long? Seriously, I don't know how I've functioned so well in college, and now in PhD, my brain is starting to give up on me.

I wish my school or someone had taught me how to use a neurodivergent brain growing up. Maybe it would be less difficult right now.

It feels like I make a plan, and then the next thing I know, my brain chooses not to follow it cause it's not exciting enough. I wish I could just work 4 hours a day and then rest and recharge using the remaining time. I know this is impossible with my current workload and commitment, but I can't wait for that day to come when I can create my schedule and I don't have to worry about not having enough income each month.

Good luck my pals who are also neurodivergent ~

Middle of Day 2

I can't believe I actually did it. I actually started working on my thesis writing in the middle of the day!

Usually, I wait until it is dark, and I use guilt to motivate me to start writing until midnight. Then, I end up feeling exhausted and groggy the next day. But it seems like that's not today. And I am grateful for myself for this =)

04/16/2025

Another day, another log ✨ It actually feels nice to have this check-in every day to see how I'm doing mentally and academically. Still not sleeping a lot this week because I call this month the "finals month" of PhD... Have a lot to finish, still have new tasks that get added each week, and I'm not even sure how many full days I have to take a break from it all after this month and in summer =/ Not the best situation, but at least I still get to do some things I like in the meantime 🩵

Current mindset:

Completed

✅ School ✅ Case presentation (woohoo!) ✅ Part-time job ✅ See clients ✅ Get an oil change for my car! ✅ Get gas for weekend traveling ✅ Phone call with partner ✅ Client plan ✅ Phone call with a friend ✅ Watch Everyone Loves Me ✅ Dinner ✅ Clinic notes x2

To-Dos

⏹️ Clinic report - results 6 part 2 ⏹️ Clinic report - results 7 ⏹️ Clinic report - results 8 or Thesis - bullet points ⏹️ Shower?

[End of study: 12:18am] I got frustrated with the cdrama so I ended up skipping through some episodes and stopped doing work for a bit... Ngl I'm getting tired so I think I'm gonna speed through one more episode and call it a night. Good night, lovely humans 🥱

04/05/2025

I just want a freaking free day!!! 😤 Do you ever get so tired of studying and school that you don't know how you're going to last another 30 days?? That's why I am right now. I can't. I just can't right now.

I so want to just say f it and go take a break for a day, but I also feel like I can't. I also don't work like most people, and nighttime is my friend. But then, I can't even enjoy a relaxing night because I need to do work... Make it make sense. Why do I feel punished in society simply by being a night owl? That's not fair.

Grievances aside, only 1 more day of this workshop, and I seriously still don't know how much I'm learning. I'm not sure if this will feel worth it in the end. Maybe I need to reevaluate tomorrow morning before I decide to go.

Me feeling angry (also exhausted and frustrated) at the whole world rn:

Completed

✅ Full-day workshop ✅ Check and respond to emails ✅ Clinic note revision ✅ Grocery shopping ✅ Phone call with partner ✅ Dinner and snacks ✅ Watch Me Before You (I cried my eyes out for this 😭) ✅ Phone call with parents ✅ Clinic notes x4 ✅ Add article summaries to class notes ✅ Read research articles for thesis (30 minutes - that's all the energy I have for today) ✅ Shower (finally!!!)

To-Dos

I cut out some original plans cause I overestimated how much energy I had lol. Full-day workshop is a energy-drainer... Time for bed 😴

04/03/2025

Decided to take it chill today. And truly, I keep reminding myself that I deserve it. Yes, I can study more, always. But do I want to not let myself take a break and rest after finishing 2 group projects? No. I need to take care of myself and relax before I can keep going, especially since the semester ends in a month and not a week.

Me seriously needing a facial and massage to take off some stress:

Completed

✅ School

✅ See clients

✅ Part-time job

✅ Nap

✅ Dinner

✅ Play A Little to the Left

✅ Check and reply to school emails

✅ Go to bed before 12am (finally!!)

Hope you are giving yourself permission to rest as well 🩵

Day 1 End

I'm so proud of myself!

I actually did some thesis writing tonight. It took me a little bit to start, but I think I have a clearer direction now that I know it is just small blocks that build up my entire paragraph, and then making up a section.

Tracking my progress is nice. Thanks for this space!